When people come for advice, sure tell them the truth, but maybe with a smidge more common decency. My husband and I took care of his horrible grumpy father, lived to 94. Because we didn't check the will, some ambiguous sentence gave the only sibling male half the value of the house. Please check the will and make sure you won't be screwed over before the family parent passes. My husband's brother did a complete reversal in behavior. Ghosted us until the finalizing of the will. Now he's getting 70% and we're getting 30%. Even though our whole 45 to 55 age years are gone. It's extremely painful, so make sure the will is clearly written. I'm so sorry for anyone who has had and will go through this...money always wins. It's soulcrushing.
Me I refuse to let inheritance be an equation in my care giving. I don't expect a penny or want anything. I just do it because she is my mom. If anything Id like her to sell everything for her to get better care in a nice AL . No amount of money is worth doing what I'm doing or my mental health
God will get them all, one day.
Caregiving is HARD, even when the person being cared for is kind and appreciative.
SMK, I can't imagine caring for someone horrible and grumpy for 10 years. I hope you and your husband are able to find healing and happiness going forward.
I'm sorry for the disappointment you experienced. The problem with caregiving is that there is so much one should know before entering into it. And we don't know what we don't know. Few people know what questions to ask upfront. I wish I had found this forum back in 2016 when both my broke inlaws were imploding at the same time.
The Executor of an elder's Will has no obligation to disclose what is in it to anyone, nor should they. The forum participants will always recommend a written caregiving contract, even between family members. Based on what I'm continuously learning on this forum my husband and I created a trust and are making it very clear to our sons, trustees and PoAs that our money is meant for our care so that they don't have to do much or any of it. They've been informed repeatedly to not expect an inheritance. I now know I don't want any son or PoA making caregiving decisions for me based on an assumption about money/inheritance.
Our good friend likes to say, "an expectation is a premeditated disappointment". Few things are truer than that. May you eventually come to peace with your experience and learn from it so that your own journey has as good a finale as possible.
Is there any way you can contest the Will? You and your husband? If it was changed in the last few years favoring the brother and the father had to live with the two of you because he needed care, an argument could be made that he had dementia.
I'd take that 30% you're getting and roll the dice by trying to break the Will. I'd do it out of spite for the brother.
The making of such a contract protects the family and protects the senior, who otherwise may be paying things and have it boomerang when they require Medicaid help in that it will be considering having "gifted". The family is then compensated as they give care.
As to wills, they can be changed without your knowledge in a second. One can hope that the family who provides the care will get the home, but that isn't what often happens.
Welcome to this Forum. By being here you help inform others who are giving care, and even those requiring care. It's a great place to make use of all you have learned.
If compensation is wanted or needed then a contract should be written providing compensation for caregiving. Compensation for caregiving is not done after the person dies.
Do the work now to get a future gain. The future is unknown. So it will be Do the work NOW to get a POSSIBLE monetory gain lalateror even, Do the work now but I don't care what happens later/I'll forget later/I'll be coerced into a new will later.
Currently, after decades of helping with little to no assistance from family members , they are trying to push the medical directive onto us for MIL. Whom has tons of health issues and can't drive, walk without assistance and is abusive with her diabetes. An on going health diaster laced with nasty, disrespectful behavior, except when after something,
Some family members lose sight of what is most important. First and foremost, the money should be spent on their parent’s care.
Parents worked hard for their money and so often undeserving children end up with it. It is sad when the caregivers don’t get their fair share.
It is especially sad when a sibling coerced a parent to change the will.
I know someone who did this shortly before her dad died. Her sister was the caregiver. Her dad had a brain tumor and she convinced him to change his will to screw her sister.
Her sister fought back and contested the will because of their dad’s brain tumor.
I sure hope karma gets him!