Mother has COPD and father is leaving town for work. I told him I couldn't care for her a month ago after hospital stay. He keeps asking.
I took care of my mother 3 years ago and took two months off of work, losing pay, to do so. She does not take care of herself and does not listen to anyone, she is very headstrong . It ruined our relationship to the point where I don't call as often or go visit for fear that I will be sucked into something. My father is 70 and should be retired, but he is very energetic and runs a business that is busy during the summer. This means that he has to go out of town. My mother wasn't expected to survive a hospital stay in May after they took her off a vent. Surprisingly, she did okay and went home under hospice care, having recently been released from hospice care and on her way to "getting better." She says what the doctors want to hear during her appointments and acts like she has it all together, but then gets home and doesn't do anything to better herself. Now my father is going out of town for work and he is asking my aunt and myself to spend the night at his house with my mother just in case. My response was that if he didn't feel confident leaving her he shouldn't be leaving town. He didn't answer that comment and instead tried to say how great she was doing, and how mom may not even need someone with her in the next 10 days when he leaves town. So he asked if I could stay one night and if my aunt could stay another. I told him he wasn't giving me a choice, even after I told him two months ago that I was not going to be her caretaker again. I have numerous health issues myself, and it angers me to see her not taking care of herself and constantly being catered to. I try day in and day out to better myself and work 40 hours a week while Mom gets to sit home and do nothing. I'm sure it's a miserable life, but at the same time she does nothing to better her health. She is a queen and is used to everyone catering to her and I can't be that person as I'm getting up in years myself.
If he gets upset tough, he doesn't want to change anything for his wife, hes the one that promised to love and protect through sickness and health, time he honor that promise and stop trying to make others responsible.
I have a difficult time helping anyone that won't do all they can to be as well as possible. It's completely unfair to ask others to care more about you than you do.
I would not explain anything to either of them. No is a complete sentence and you are a grown woman that is entitled to her own decisions and choices.
You, and maybe Aunt can back u up. need to tell Dad , this is ur last time. You have already taken care of a DH with no ones help. You had to change ur lifestyle to accomadate ur husbands illness. Your Dad will need to change his lifestyle for his Wife. He, like u, took vows. In sickness and in health. Mom is his responsibilty. You have to work for your future. He has had his "future". He cannot rely on u for everything. He needs to set up care in the future.
You say if your father isn't confident your mother will be okay, he shouldn't be leaving town; and you are right. Not without putting a reliable, proper care structure in place, he shouldn't, anyway. Roping in family members here and there for the odd night is not a proper care structure, it's a seat of the pants job.
So never mind whether you or your aunt happen to be free that day, happen to be around, happen to be willing to be cajoled into it. This is about your father's taking responsibility for planning his wife's care before he goes off on his jaunts.
Good for him for keeping busy! Good for him for maintaining his individual life alongside caregiving, and being prepared to delegate. Those are all good. Just one more thing: he needs to delegate to appropriate people, and you ain't them.
I assume this aunt is your mother's sister? How does she feel about it?
You are going to get Daddy mad when you eventually put your foot down. If you intend to eventually refuse his requests (do you?), then the sooner, the better.
Seems like both my mother and I like the comforts of our own home. I feel bad that I was firm with her. I still can't seem to be that way with my father like I need to be. I think it's because my father tries more than my mother does, with the entire situation. This exchange with my mother is prob a blessing in disguise because I know she'll tell my father how "rude" I was. Lightbulb moment for him, perhaps? I think I'll "call out sick" for Father's Day, too. I do need my rest because I'm legitimately sick as a dog and this stress isn't helping. It's hard for me not to care, though. I may even skip staying over Monday night. Mom can call me if the power goes out from a storm. She keeps saying she's getting better, but shes not.
This is just ridiculous. I feel so much guilt but I can't take this on. ☹
It is also a classic example of a person behaving badly and then blaming the person they've treated badly for the bad behaviour. Your mother would rather take up your time than take responsibility for her own amusement, were she to travel with your father. She attempts to double the benefit they've already claimed from you, and then thinks you're rude to object? Just keep in mind who is actually the miscreant, here - you, or your parents?
I think you should consider cancelling your arrangement to stay with your mother on the grounds that your kindness has already been abused and obviously will be taken advantage of even further. I mean - what happens if your Dad just doesn't come back, and it turns into five nights?
Do it now, and that leaves 48 hours for your father to find a suitable agency. Alternatively, he will have to rearrange his business engagements. Both of those things are a) entirely doable and b) his problem, not yours. He can't say you didn't warn him.
WHAT have YOU got to feel guilty about???
When they can respect you and your life, maybe then you can help, but only how and when you are willing.
Can you imagine sharing whatever you have with your mom. Would you ever hear the end of it? Not worth potentially making someone so frail ill. Tell dad that you have to stay away so you don't share. Sorry dad, stuff happens and that's why an agency that can send a fill in is the best option.
You have done nothing wrong, stop feeling guilty for standing up for your wellbeing.
Learn to establish healthy boundaries. Telling your father to hire help for *his* business trip might be a good start. Is your dad paying you to stay with your mom while he goes off earning money?
By the way, I'm thinking of getting this on a T-shirt:
YOUR LACK OF A PLAN DOES NOT MEAN THAT I AM THE DEFAULT PLAN.
I think that is applicable in this situation as well as your cute saying. We could sell t-shirts.
Good news Cindy, take care of you and get better soon !