Looking for some advice because at this point, I am mentally unwell from stress and having issues making decisions.
My dad passed away and left me his house and I allowed my mother to stay in it if she kept up the mortgage.
2018 my husband lost his job, so we lost our house and moved back into mine as the mortgage was much more manageable.
This house is 1,060 sq ft with two bedrooms.
My mom shortly after that developed cancer and went on disability due to developing adrenal issues from cancer treatment so she stayed with us but has been cancer free for 6 years.
She still lives with us but only contributes $200 a month and will watch our kids if we have appointments and fold laundry/dishes sometimes. For some reason she gets extremely annoyed if my husband and I ask her to keep the kids so we can go out and do anything like a date or dinner, so we haven’t in years.
She is extremely miserable and feels entitled to special treatment for some reason.
If we ask her not to do something or things don’t go her way, she will walk around all day slamming stuff and making everyone miserable.
She has slept on the couch for the last 5 years and I finally asked her to put a bed in the garage as there is a portable AC unit out there.
I have severe chronic medical issues and 2 kids with autism that I homeschool and I’m exhausted.
She has a brother that lives 5 mins away that has 2 empty bedrooms, but he has a girlfriend and she said she doesn’t want to inconvenience him by living there and it makes her uncomfortable.
She also has a sister with a large house an hour away but makes up excuses to why she can’t go there.
Whenever my kids have meltdowns, or my husband and I aren’t getting a long she packs her stuff and say she’s going to leave but never does.
I have tried sitting her down to have a conversation with her, but she gets aggressive and takes off.
I have her on a waitlist for housing but gets annoyed when the subject is brought up.
This all sounds so juvenile but she is relentless.
I feel terribly guilty and don’t know what to do at this point.
Would I be a terrible daughter forcing her to leave?
She is 62 and gets a small check for disability but I don’t understand why she doesn’t want to inconvenience her siblings but will stay in my 2-bedroom house with the 4 of us and eat our food while my husband is making a tiny salary now.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I’ve held this in for a long time but I’m starting to really suffer and needed somewhere to vent and get advice.
Thank you in advance!
Mom doesn’t want to leave because she still feels like it is her house. If you are now living there as well, I don’t think Mom should have to pay the whole mortgage , especially since her choices are the couch or the garage to sleep .
I’m a bit perplexed as to why your father left the house to you and in effect making his wife homeless . It’s hurtful to make a spouse homeless . Or were they divorced ?
You moved in, crowding Mom with your challenging family issues and Mom got cancer. That had to be stressful for everyone especially Mom .
Your father made Mom homeless , Mom knows you want to kick her out , yet you don’t understand why she’s in a bad mood if you also want free babysitting .
You don’t want to be inconvenienced yet you expect another relative to be inconvenienced by Mom living with them.
I’m sorry but I believe your mother is depressed from her life being upended by living with your family .
I know it’s your house , but see it through Mom’s eyes , how your financial problems resulted in your mother having to live on a couch or in the garage like Cinderella.
Prior to that Mom was told she could stay there so long as she paid the mortgage .
Telling your Mom to live with another relative is not the answer . Getting Mom help for her depression that she is suffering from living with you and not even having a bedroom for some private space is the answer . This will help her to be more independent . Also it would be nice to help her find a place to live .
I feel more sorry for your Mom .
You make very valid points that were overlooked by everyone on this thread including myself.
It was okay for mom to stay so long as she paid the mortgage, was a babysitter for the two special-needs, autistic grandkids (I would not take that on for all the money, artwork, jewelry, and treasure on earth), and be content to sleep on a couch or out in the garage like the family pet. We don't expect our dog to sleep outside in the garage at night. Our dog gets treated better treated than this OP's mother. Then when grandma stopped living up to her daughter's demands and needs she wants her gone.
I totally agree with you.
Only one difference though. The father/husband did not leave her homeless. She left herself homeless. No matter how much you may love or trust a person, NEVER pay a mortgage and live in a house that doesn't have your name on the deed. You don't drive a car that isn't in your name either. What ends up happening is the person who does own these things can pull exactly what the OP pulled on her own mother.
When I helped my mother out financially, I made sure my name was legally on the property. I insisted, otherwise I would have let the bank foreclose. Never play this game when it comes to property like cars and real estate.
The OP's mother is at her mercy and that's sad for the mother. I hope the woman will consider relocating for her own sake, not her daughter's.
Since she will NOT discuss it, I am afraid it is time to take action.l
Your mother's cancer is now cured or in remission.
It is time for your mother to be given a "lawyer letter" (any attorney can do this, but landlord/tenant is best) telling her the date of her eviction. This should be airtight and professional.
You have made many mistakes here. Given you painted yourself into a tough corner by making YOUR home your Mom's home, you have complicated matters.
You make no mention of her finances, but she is likely too young to collect SS, even at early retirement age. She may have to get a job.
So given you did this it will take a while to unwind. Seems to me that 6 months is a reasonable time. Encourage her to get a job and begin to save to a room she will rent in someone else's home.
There should be no argument or discussion after the letter is delivered. Only reminders of the date you will begin court action to remove her.
Good luck.
If you want her to go and she isn't serious about leaving, serve her with eviction papers. Then she will have to move.
Also, she is not to blame for why you're stressed, exhausted, and have physical illness. She doesn't own the blame for all of it exclusively.
You should consider making some changes. Like forgetting about the homeschooling for your autistic special-needs children. It's ridiculous and enables you to make yourself into a martyr. Put them in school. They should be around other kids their age and they would be in special education classes. So unless you are a Special Ed teacher and I'm guessing you're not, put them in school.
Once that's done, it will free up some of your time and take a lot of pressure off of you. Next, get a job. Start helping out with the household bills so money won't be such a problem.
Then only if you and your husband agree, make your mother an offer. She can move into the garage and make it her own, or she can be served with eviction.
Whatever the law is in your state to have her legally removed from your home, do it. Get it started.
You’re suffering. It’s time. Get this started on Monday.
In the meantime, ask her to find other living arrangements right away and tell her you are damn serious. Hand her the phone, a pen with a pad of paper and tell her to start calling other family members or places for rent. If she needs the numbers, provide them to her. Tell her in no uncertain terms that her leaving is a near future event and to get her ducks in a row.
Would you be a terrible daughter? Absolutely not. You’ve gone above and beyond at this point.
No more, Sjay. You can do this.
I can certainly see why there is so much stress in your life.
Your post is a bit confusing to me. Please help me to understand your situation.
You say that your dad died and left you his house. I am wondering why he didn’t leave the house to your mom. You must not live in a community property state like I do.
Then you say that you “allowed” your mother to stay in “your” home if she kept up with the mortgage.
Did you have a written contract in place for this agreement? Was your mom working? Was the entire mortgage payment considered rent?
You say that your husband lost his job and your family moved back into your home. I hope that he will find a better paying job soon.
So, your mom was paying the entire mortgage but she didn’t have the entire house to herself.
Your family lived in the house with her. That’s an odd arrangement.
What were you paying? Utility bills? Groceries? Insurance? Car payment? Etc.? Was everything equally divided between all of you?
Your mom had cancer but is now in remission. Can she get a job? She’s not too old to get a job.
Was there ever a discussion about how long your mother was going to live with you? If there wasn’t, she probably assumed that she could remain living with your family.
Tell your mom that you have two children who need you and that you can no longer take on the responsibilities of caring for her too.
Your children deserve to live in a calm household, instead of being around this type of friction between their parents and their grandmother.
You have chronic illness. You are home schooling your children who have special needs.
Of course, you need a break from time to time. You’re exhausted!
The stress in your life is going to make your chronic illness worse.
What did your mom say when you asked her to move into the garage?
Her family members don’t have to take her in. They aren’t responsible for her wellbeing. They will most likely tell her that she cannot live with them.
When do you think senior housing will be available for her? I hope the wait won’t be too much longer for all of your sakes.
Best of luck to you and your family!
My impression is that OP had her own home so Mom was allowed to stay in the home she had been living in as long as she paid the mortgage. Then OP lost her home, moving in with Mom who now pays $200 towards room and board. She is not paying the mortgage now. (I also got the impression that when OP moved in, Mom was suppose to move out but got sick)
You and Dad must have had a weird relationship with Mom for him to leave you the house. You do need to realize that this was Moms house. She cleaned it, she decorated it and then her husband left it to his child. What a slap in the face. I would be one angry wife. All is good and then my daughter moves her family of 4 in and I am now regulated to the couch and are being asked to move out. You really have to sympathize with her.
My suggestion is to go to Social Services and see if she can get SSI which is a supplimental income. I have no idea how SSD goes when ur widowed before the ability to collect Social Security.
Lets say that Mom was not on Social Security Disability. At 60, as a widow, she could start collecting a %. At 62, 75%. If Dad would have been 62 or older now, mom may be due an increase in her SSD. It would not hurt to check it out. Not saying she is due but does not hurt to ask.
If Mom is better healthwise, she may be able to hold down a job and keep her SSD. There is a cap on how much she can make a yr.
To suggest Mom sleep in the garage you must live in a warm climate. Maybe a loan can be taken out to make it liveable. I have seen garages become nice living spaces. A small bath with a shower. Maybe a kitchenette, an area with a small stove, sink, fridge and microwave. Sleeping area and sitting area. Mom could pay on the loan.
I am interpreting this situation as you are seeing it. It is a bit confusing though. I feel like there is a lot more to this story than the OP is sharing.
Maybe he left the daughter the house so she would take care of Mom and Mom was unable to manage the finances herself?
Keeping an open mind. The OP only posted 20 hours ago.
Point of Law:
If a husband and wife are living in their home, and the husband dies...
Wouldn't the wife still be entitled to 1/2 no matter who's name was on the deed? Maybe Mom needs an attorney.
So, technically, Mom owns 1/2 of the house? But could not manage the mortgage by herself. Or, some documents and a will are missing and Mom owns the house and the OP was meant to manage Dad's estate on behalf of Mom? Maybe possession was not meant to occur until Mom's death?
Sjay88 could sell the house, giving Mom her half.
Or, could refinance the house giving Mom her half and Mom could relocate in an independent apartment.
All I have are questions.
Shanna never returned here either:
ShannaJay
Asked July 2017
Working for a family that is abusing self direct pay caring for two patient and only getting paid for one. How can I fix this?
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