My mother is Non English speaking. I have been helping her since I was a child, paperwork, and as an adult even more (medical, organizing services, basically everything apart from housework). She is a known verbal abuser. I'll keep the history brief; she's known for major lies, never apologizing and poor boundaries. She has alienated others, friends, family, over time.
She's 80. She spent many years alienating my kids from me. The full extent of this has only recently been revealed.
My plan was to become qualified as an accountant and run my own business. I was a past IT person working long hours for a company. The plan was that this would allow me to attend to mom's medical and other appointments, and set my own schedule for work - more flexible. I had read books about still doing the right things for difficult parents, because it's good modeling for your own kids and other reasons. I was also trained, from childhood, to "attend" to her needs.
I have my own home, but it was a while away from mom, and I had to complete an accountancy placement where I met with clients via Skype during covid, and sometimes in-person. So, I stayed with mom at her house for this, because the in-person part was very close to mom's house. I also made regular trips to mom, but because she's 1.5 hrs away, I would often stay for a few nights. She will NEVER come to you, and on the rare occasions she did, all she did was find something to criticize.
During my work related stay, she kept opening my door despite briefing her that I was at work from 9 to 5. I eventually got in trouble by my manager for this. Additionally, she would never let me sleep; she would make noise between 10pm to 1am, including after she came home from the poker machines (gambling).
One night, after having worked a 14 hour day, she yet again woke me up at midnight, and I had been asleep for 3 hours and woke up in sleep drunkenness mode and yelled at her for 10 seconds. I went back to bed and completely forgot about the incident.
A few days later, I was arrested by police for trying to kill her. She told them this. Luckily another party was present and confirmed I had not done this. BUT, I complained to police about having been arrested, and they took a vendetta against me and then gave me 3 bogus charges which were all Struck Out by the court eventually.
Mum also had me kicked out of her home a few days after the police arrested me. I then spent one year in the courts, administrative hearings, and when the actual proper hearing eventuated, again, the judge said this should not have come to court. I failed all my subjects and now have to re-do my course from the start, and I lost $50, 000 (I did get my legal fees paid back, but I also had a job and I lost my job and had to live off my savings for over one year now). I then suffered many health issues, all documented.
I admitted I had yelled to police straight away. I explained the constant disruption my mother was causing me, esp to sleep, as it's a survival need. I know the yelling was poor behaviour, but even mom said to police that it was a "one off". No physical altercation occurred, to be clear.
One year and three months have passed, and today I got a postal letter from mom "demanding" I go back to her and provide her help. Apparently she can't cope and has no-one left. I am the only person whom ever helped her (I'm an only child). No apology, nothing (I saw her police statement and it was 80% lies, nothing about money but other lies such as "she never helps me" despite having list after list here of the help I've given her for a lifetime). Had another person not been present, as a testimony, I could be in jail for trying to kill her.
Her letter demands I go back there and help her - that was it, basically nothing else.
I am not going back.
Has anyone else suffered this level of issues ? And do you have any opinions.
Stay away, live your own life free and clear of such terrible drama, and silently wish your mother well with her life. Do not respond to 'demand letters' to return to care for her. It would be a very risky proposition for you to do so. Remember what you said, "Had another person not been present, as a testimony, I could be in jail for trying to kill her."
For that reason ALONE, you cannot deal with your mother anymore.
Wishing you the best of luck sticking to your guns about caring for YOURSELF now!
Short answer: Seems wise.
Long answer:
Stepping in again to help.. if you want to be rational about it - what would a risk analysis show for the following *Adverse Events*?
- Verbal abuse?
Frequency: High.
Effect: Medium-High? (damage to relationship + increase stress)
- Financial risks?
Frequency: past once, but future unknown ?Med
Effect: Severe
- Legal risks?
Frequency: past once, future unknown ?Med
Effects: Catestrophic
Risks of NOT stepping in to help?
Frequency & Effect of stepping out will depend on your thinking. Possible thoughts/feelings of guilt or regret... or maybe not. Maybe acceptance you did what you could. Acceptance it is time for Mother to find other solutions now.
You have no obligation to accept her abuse. She can figure it out or fail, that is what her choices have left for her.
As far as demanding help, HA, not gonna happen. I always tell people that use that crap on me, 1 year old to 100 doesn't make a difference. I can't hear you when you use that tone. Either ask politely or I can't hear you. Your mom, as mine does, thinks she has the right to be ugly, nope!
You got this, keep your boundaries and don't buy into her ugliness or pleading. She has shown you that she would happily destroy you, believe her and remember, she CAN NOT BE TRUSTED, EVER!
I'll add -- Move, change your phone number, and disappear entirely. You don't even want her to be able to call the cops again and give them your whereabouts.
Don't help her
She can demand all she wants but you don't need to respond. Pick up your life and move forward. She had shown who she is and you can't live with that. Never live with that.
Thanks so much, yes RETURN TO SENDER, will be the plan for any other letters xxx
Thanks so much !! xx
If she doesn't speak English, then how did she report you to the police? Through an interpreter?
I wish you could get some of that $500,000 to make up for what she did to you.
She's not in contact with anyone else in your family? What kind of help does she need exactly? I'm just trying to get a clearer picture of her capabilities.
What help does she need? All paperwork, including reading all paperwork that comes her way. Being picked up from the hospital (which I did each time). Understanding her medical issues - I hold a phD in science so I always was her medical helper - explaining her conditions and organizing her help. I suspect she has an Intellectual Disability too.
She cannot read nor write English, so she was dependent on me, and I did everything she needed, including organizing local council support for her, cleaners, window washing. She bought a new car, I was there yadda yadda. The list is pages long of the help I provided.
She had water leaking into the house, I called the roof guy, she got angry at me for that too, saying "you always think something bad". The water would still have been leaking had I not intervened. This type of thing happened basically each time I got her help - she would throw it back in my face.... she wanted me to get her a plumber, I did, then she called me abusing me that night - she was not happy with the plumber.
She dragged me to be her POA in 2017 (her idea)- she got the lawyer to call me to say "your mother is worried you will leave her on the street". I then held a meeting with them saying that 1) POA not my idea 2) if you don't trust me, then I won't sign 3) not once did I dip into her finances, AND I do not even know where her bank book is, she hides it. POA was removed by me shortly after this incident happened.
I hope that explains things?
NOW, without me, she knows she can't cope. NO, no-one else to help her. Her nieces do not talk to her anymore.
Most times when I picked her up from hospital, there were times she was constantly in and out, she would yell at me in the car and take out her frustrations on me. One time, I had a full day at work (I'm single, no partner to support me) , I left 2 plates in her sink, then she went right off at me yelling "you couldn't even wash these 2 plates" (and I audio recorded her on this occasion bc she was just getting worse and worse, and in the recoding she says "you have never worked nor earned a dimme" - I hold a PhD and have worked like a dog since 14yrs of age). No thank-you, only abuse.
She had the police kick me out, and now is pleading "prego" is the Italian word, for me to go back. This is what she does - IMPULSIVITY, then does a complete turn around. The boy who cried wolf. She has also lost 2 homes due to gambling addiction, while I've been slaving away year after year at work, only to now lose money and health.