I’m 52. My mother divorced my father who adored her 40 years ago. She has anxiety and depression but coped through living in nice hotels around the world. We fund but she has done it reasonably and gets best deals. I haven’t lived with her for 40 years and only seen her about 10 times since age 19, when she called me daily at college to tell me she was lost. I developed severe ocd about her and thought about her 5 hours a day. I moved away and it got better. Then it happened again and she would call me all the time about her horrors, no place to live. Around my age 35 we started funding her fully. Things got better (by better I mean I never wanted to call her but was able to call her once a week and only obsess about an hour a day. Now over the past few months, things have gotten worse and my ocd is skyrocketing. Writing posts like this, talking to anyone who will listen. She is impossible to talk to. She won’t budge an inch. We asked for one hour of help a week from her to help us and she said no during the pandemic. Not one hour. We asked for a planning phone call or we weren’t going to send her funds and she just threatened to kill herself so finally we sent to stop the torture. Now at 77, I have limited contact and trying various treatments but she still slams on me about her misery. She doesn’t have a home and cries about that. Then we offer to buy her a home in Florida, Phoenix and she says she doesn’t want a dumpy home. Then we offer to buy her a nice home and she says she doesn’t want to be alone. The issue is she has no family that cares about her. My sister and dad don’t care if she is dead. Neither do her brothers. We care and I feel devastated for her, but I can’t have her in my unit because I don’t have space (2 bedroom for 3 people already). I don’t want her here because I am
obsessjng hours a day as it is and she will continue to manipulate me (I didn’t find her a husband, I have a husband, she doesn’t want to live and just wants to be hugged, I didn’t give her a solution to live overseas and have a home base in the United States, her life didn’t meet her dreams). As background, she sounds insane saying that 35 years ago she stayed with me when my father had a brain tumor and was in life threatening surgery. She tells me she missed a meeting and got in trouble. She was never there for me - didn’t come to wedding, graduations or when I got I’ll. But she gets into my head. Now I can’t make her go anywhere. She won’t call a suicide line, she won’t pick a place to live but will just email me until I break. Yes, the problem is with me, sf is very expensive and I can’t fund her here but moreover this is not a retirement community. She need to make friends but won’t. Only daily emails that she has no hope. Everyone tells me to not read her emails. I am so scared. By the way, I have an amazing husband and son…can’t even focus on them. Can you help me? Small part of me wonders if I need to open my arms and just love this shell of a human. I can’t solve it. Do you have resources?
starting with affirmations to reprogram that it is not my responsibility and am getting counseling and seeking other options. I don’t know if she will be okay but she still doesn’t seem to care if I’m okay so I’ll have to get over that!
Just a comment and please don't take this the wrong way:
When you write a post, please use some kind of punctuation. I could barely follow your train of thought (tho I did certainly feel your anxiety!)
Mom is not going to change.
You can tell her until you're blue in the face what she 'needs' but it will fall on deaf ears.
77 is NOT OLD.
You and your family are doing FAR TOO MUCH for her and this is just feeding the monster. This has to stop. How much do you fund her? Her entire monthly bills?
Her constant threat of suicide is a manipulative behavior and trust me, she has NO intention of hurting herself. (My mom did this for years and years. I finally told her 'go ahead, mom, please just don't leave me a mess to clean up'). She never once made any attempts beyond verbal threats, If she did it now she would be immediately taken to the ER and we'd Baker-Act her.
Your co-mingling or her life and depression is something that a good therapist could help you with. I read such despair in your post. You spend up to 5 hrs PER DAY feeling overwrought with guilt and anxiety? How can you think that's even remotely OK for anyone?
Sorry to be so blunt. I think you can handle it.
If you do nothing, nothing will ever change.
Your mom is a super-case of Narcissism. Like, one of the worst I've ever read about on this site. So many people will have better answers than mine---and I truly do care for your situation--you sound positively frantic.
Before you do anything else--get YOURSELF to a good psychiatrist and see if some AD's would help you to function better. And a good therapist to walk with you on this journey.
((Hugs))
No, you can't solve your mother's problems, which you've been trying to do, unsuccessfully, for your whole life. Yet you're still trying to. Stop doing that and start trying to solve YOUR OWN problems in life. Which is all you can do: deal with your own issues.
Your mother is 77 years old meaning she can live another 2 decades, inside of your head, where she's been dwelling for your whole life. Do you want that? Or do you want to be an independent adult who lives your life free of all this drama and obsession about a woman who's taken up WAY too much of your time and headspace thus far? It's up to you. She's had a good life, living in hotels for crying out loud, yet can't see the forest through the trees!
Change your email address and get rid of the old one she's been using to contact you at. Change your phone number too, while you're at it. Start over, fresh, today.
Call a therapist or a psychiatrist who can prescribe meds to help you with the OCD thought patterns you need to get rid of. Start a whole new life for yourself free from the burden this ONE person has placed on you.
You can do it! Have faith in yourself. Best of luck taking your life back!
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/struggles-supporting-an-abusive-mother-what-should-i-do-476775.htm
Anytime the brain is compromised or a person has a mental illness seems the person will probably suffer from Dementia. At 77, you Mom could likely have Dementia.
What country is she now living in? Is she a citizen of the US? If not, that causes problems with being able to get welfare and benefits like Medicaid. Maybe the first 12 yrs she was here would count as residency. Being married to your Dad for over 10 yrs may entitle her to SS and maybe Medicare. But she seems to fight you with every suggestion you make.
If she is in the US, I would call her County Adult Protection Agency explaining that she is a vulnerable adult. That all suggestions have fallen on deaf ears. That you can not continue to support her. They will investigate and if found Mom needs help take over her care. But if in a foreign country I have no idea what u can do...call the embassy?
You seem to be the compassionate one in the family but your beating your head against the wall and getting nowhere. Mom chose to divorce your Dad, leaving her children behind and living her own life. 40 years ago she was 37. Young enough to start over and plan a life without a husband and children. Find resources to help her and then walk away. Sadly she has made her bed and now she has to lie in it.
Nothing you're doing for her is changing the course of her life. Some people just have rotten lives, and it's the hand they're dealt. They aren't strong enough to change their course themselves, so either they sponge off other people like your mom is doing, or they just exist. The only difference is your mom is existing just like she would, but on your dime.
You have to eventually come to the conclusion that you're a mere mortal like she is, and it isn't in your power to change her life or anyone else's. You chose to take her monkey on your back, and only you can make the decision to remove it. By venting constantly here or to others, you're doing the same thing she is -- trying to get others to take YOUR monkey on their backs.
I'd advise not relying on excuses like OCD and just do what you need to do to ensure YOUR happiness and survival -- eliminate the source of the obsession and cut her loose. Contact Adult Protective Services, change your phone number, move if you have to, and live YOUR life.
The OP lives in with two other people in a two-bedroom apartment. So he/she/they is not funding anything.
If your mother can afford to live in hotels around the world for the last 40 years, she certainly doesn't need you who lives in a two-bedroom apartment with three other people to take her in or pay for her.
You've only seen her ten times since you were 19 years old and you are now 52. So this is not a person you care for or who cares for you. This woman is all but a stranger to you. Don't worry about her. If you want to talk to her when she calls, then you should. If she starts acting needy and giving a drama performance about killing herself, hang up on her. You don't owe her anything.
So my dream of owning villa in Italy on Amalfi Coast, or my favourite South of France, I am EU member and my husband being Swiss we could easily live in France and close to Geneva, and qualify for medical etc.
That was our dream for retirement and living in warm climate for winters somewhere SA then Europe which we did and then disease happened and all of it became unrealistic.
There is life we envision and reality, reality which is harsh and expensive as medical needs increase.
Your mother lives with unrealistic expectations which you are supposed to meet.
You cannot, and you should not, as you need to create solid boundaries and stop obsessing. The best is to help yourself as you cannot possibly jeopardize your family and your health, think of yourself and your needs in 20 years.
She is a type, which I know very well who would never change, narcissistic, selfish, if manipulative they will use suicide. I hope I am wrong for your sake!
She as an adult who needs to take responsibility and it could be not the best solution, if you are willing to help offer one choice.
The problem is not the mother it is the poster who needs some serious mental health help.
I hope that she gets the help she needs so that she can start living her life.
Your Mother sounds like she has been battling mental illness herself for a long long time. Do you agree?
As you said "I can't solve it".
This is true.
Are you paying her accommodation to avoid her becoming homeless?
I'm not sure what country she resides? Where I live, an elderly lady with mental health issues would be provided a Govt funded NH bed. It may be in a shared room, but be staffed, hot meals & activities provided. Certainly warmer & safer than being homeless. Is that option available for your Mother?
Correction: you have CHOSEN to fund her lifestyle
You are allowing yourself to be manipulated.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me THIS many times?
Just shame.
Leave her to rot, she is not your responsibility.
Stop all interactions, and cut this toxic person out of your life.
One of the biggest mysteries of this forum is why the more neglected/abused a person was as a child, the more likely they'll continue to allow that abuse/neglect continue throughout their lives.
Cut. her. off. 100%. If she dies on the street she won't be the first, and she won't be the last. She'll be one of thousands.
My mantra: I am here to help people find a way, not be the way.
If she shows up to your door, tell her "sorry no room". Give her some money for a hotel room and food if u want. Tell her Social Services is in ? town and she can see them about finding her housing. If you Mom is capable of traveling all over the world, she is capable of talking to SS. Be aware too, the State can take over her care if she gets where she cannot care for herself and you do not have to be involved. You are letting a woman who felt no remorse in leaving her family to do her "own thing". She now has no right to go to the same family and ask for help and then tell them they need to fund a lifestyle she thinks she is entitled to. There has to be some mental illness here. You owe this woman nothing.
Me, I would give her a list of resouces in her area with phone #s and tell her to call them because the money will be stopping by this date? This woman is her own worst enemy and believe me, you cannot help her.
let her become a ward of the state. She would do the same to you
So to what DOES Mother want, her list of acceptable options goes like this;
1. family to take care of her
2. live near me (impossible)
3. live in Tel Aviv but it is too expensive
4. live in Switzerland but does not have citizenship
5. wants a husband to take of her
Let's call all those Plan As.
Now if NONE of those Plan A options are possible - she has to make a new list eg Plan Bs.
That's how reality works.
She seems unable to problem solve or be able to face reality.
By paying for her past & future accommodation this is providing a giant buffer between Mother & the real world.
I know this can stem from wanting to PROTECT someone... but when protection goes too far, it prevents independance. It can prevent TRUTH.
To me, Mother does not actually WANT to be independent. She wants someone to be look after her.
Honestly, an assisted living or nursing home will suit her - she will get looked after.
She may need either the right councillor to help her gain insight - or a legal 'push'.
Now your own problems: Like Beatty says, “You have CHOSEN to fund her lifestyle, and you are ALLOWING yourself to be manipulated”. So why are you doing this? You KNOW that nothing helps. What is YOUR problem in accepting that you can’t solve your mother’s problem for her?
Once again, like Beatty says, “Mother does not actually WANT to be independent. .. An assisted living or nursing home will suit her - she will get looked after”.
Perhaps your best bet is to wait until she really is desperate, and then offer support to go to a facility. Can you stop worrying until she reaches that point? Can you and your husband get whatever support it takes to set both of you free?
You could tell this doctor who calls your mother daily and keeps calling you because he can't believe you won't take her in, that you've only seen her ten times in the last 33 years. So really, this woman who happens to be your mother is all but a stranger to you.
Like a distant relation that you maybe see every few years or so at a family wedding or funeral.
If this doctor is so concerned for her, then he can take her to live with him. He can be her caregiver and provide for her financially.
Do not take another call from this doctor. Change your phone number if you have to. There's no reason why you have to talk to this person.
You say now that you've been fully funding her since you were 35 years old and you are now 52. You decided to be her enabler. If she was unwilling to give you an hour a week, she couldn't care less about you or your family. That and the fact that she's only seen you ten times in the last 35 years. She's a gasligting manipulator who uses drama and suicide threats to get what she needs and wants. People like your mother know how to skate through life while others clean up their messes, put out their fires, and support their lives. My mother is like this, but to a lesser degree.
Do yourself and your family a favor and no more support to your mother. Please schedule an appointment with your mental health care provider too.
She is a capable person, judging by the fact she can get so much from you financially, with that skills, she would be able to survive without you, it’s just that people can become lazy, why does she want to try it on someone else since you are always there for her.
If I were you, I would slowly but steadily steer away, for yourself and your family, you have to do it, kick the habit, her title is “mother”. But in terms of functionality?
A ungrateful parasite. I apologize if I have offended you.
You are NOT in your mother’s shoes, quite literally. Stop thinking about what it might be like if you were. Remember that if you were, you would be more sensible. Sort out your own problems – you can’t sort out your ‘pretend’ mother.
So what is it YOU need?
Help for how to stop the OCD ruminating thoughts?
Or do you believe you must still fix your Mother's housing problem?
If so, why?
Do you also believe you must fix your Mother's mental health problems?
If so, why?
A real MD is OBLIGATED to get someone with a plan for suicide into psychiatric care immediately. This person is either lying or incompetent.
You cannot save your mother. She needs mental health assistance and will only seek it when she finds she can't manipulate the rest of her "circus".
He would not be calling every family member either. In fact, he would not be calling any if he didn't have the mother's permission to.
The OP has mental problems and should make an appointment with a mental health provider.
her papers and her stuff. Can’t trust her. Yes, crazy that people still consider helping her but this is actually to help us. My husband tried to call her and she is finally willing to speak to him now but it won’t go anywhere. (Yes, I know insane that we are grateful she will let us try to help her.)
A person who threatens suicide if you won't accede to their unreasonable demands is being manipulative.
Please seek out mental health support for yourself.
Your mother is profoundly mentally ill and will not be helped by living with you. She will be miserable everywhere and anywhere because of her demons. You do not have the ability to help.
Is there acceptance that Mother is mentally unwell? Or denial?
You are making yourself ill, genuinely. I don’t know what else occupies your mind in your ‘simple life’, but obsessing about your mother seems to be occupying a lot of your waking time. You need more than simple counseling, you need psychiatric care to stop you going down a really bad path. You cannot control this woman, and you need better control over yourself. Don’t mess about with this!
The difference is that my life is 80% awesome outside of her 20 percent pain and ocd. She truly has nothing. Of course my mindset is also better that I am happy with just seeing my son smile. My husband also wants for nothing.