The fall seems to have made her more confused. Also a family member told her some sad news and details. This must have set her back? She was never tested for dementia but the facility said senile dementia. She can't read or tell the time and can't write. She says she thinks she is going mad that she knows the words she wants to say and what she means in her head but she can't say it. She won't let me see the doctor with her as she said she won't be treated like a child. Her memory has got worse since the fall and can't even remember the fall 3 days ago. When I told the care home doctor she was crying all the time 9 months ago they put her on antidepresants which over that time I saw her deterioate shaky pale and dizzy. On 3 occassions I asked the nurse if it was the pills, she said the dr said no it was not. Finally I asked for a second opinion and the specialist took Mum off the antidepressants saying even if the pills weren't causing side effects they sure weren't doing their job as Mum was crying all the time. Mum stopped being unsteady on feet shakey and pale when the pills stopped. That is why I am reluctant to talk about how worse Mum is now as they could put her back on another antidepressant and they are so busy won't monitor side effects as I had to bring the last ones to their attention. Mum has also become obsessed with tidying her drawers all the time. Constantly and getting upset if anything is out of place. She was doing so well prior to hearing the stress of family situation then the fall the next day. Now she is back to square one. I am so full of guilt she shouldn't have been told but I added my own information when she already knew. I thought she was back to being my Mum again. She has paid the price for my selfish needing of support. I don't know what to say to the staff or doctor as I dont want her to be put on antidepressants nor go through the questions from Dr as she gets stressed and anxious. She always has been a very stressed and anxious personality even in her early years. PLEASE HELP ME HOW TO HELP HER.
"She always has been a very stressed and anxious personality even in her early years."
Anti depressants can, in fact, make some people suicidal. Pills are not the answer. The answer may be sympathy and listening. Your Mom is now grieving. She is very elderly and fragile. She has fallen and likely fears falling again, and at her age she likely WILL fall again. This is still your Mom. And she is as stressed and anxious as she always was, and with even more reason to be so. Tell her you are sorry to have to tell her sad things, that you know it causes grief. That you are sorry for the falls.
It is all you can do. She has refused assessment, and in truth at her age, what would be the reason for it. She has good care. She is simply who she was but more fragile.
As to knowing the words and just not getting them right? Yeah. 78. It drives you nuts. I will go along and think now WHAT is the name of that plant. An hour and one half later I know it was a nasturtium. My partner and I laugh that one of us better not leave the other because it now takes two to know the gas jet WAS turned off and the refrigerator door IS closed securely. It won't get better. I hope to beat it by taking the hand of the grim reaper WILLINGLY and gladly (in fact I have begun to search for him on my daily walks). But this is it for all of us. Your Mom has my congratulations for making it to 91. It isn't about being treated like a child. It is about being watched over by those who love you. She's so lucky to have you.
Not all antidepressants are the same. Can you talk to the care home doctor and tell him moms symptoms and her adverse reaction to the first antidepressant?
Can mom possibly see a geriatric psychiatrist, who might have more expertise?
I see several similarities between your situation and mine. My mom is 95 with Alzheimer's related dementia. Ever since I can remember she has had anxiety and would take an anti-anxiety medication. It might be helpful for you if you could look at the stages of dementia and what behaviors fall under those stages. For example, in the first several years my mom would cry often. At that time, she still had six surviving siblings who all lived in other states. I would encourage them to call her BUT, I asked them not to talk about their problems or upsetting things as she couldn't process them in the same way the rest of us can. I always asked them to talk about "light" topics. When it came to one of her brothers passing away, they called me and I was the one to tell her. Fast forward a couple years as she entered a different stage - she no longer cried at all. So now if I tell her something - there really isn't even any emotion displayed. Also, my mom was always rearranging things in her drawers and apartment. You mentioned that "she knows the words she wants to say and what she means in her head but can't say it". This goes along with the fact that at some point they lose the ability to "express" themselves. I get the impression that she is extremely frustrated and therefore feels like she's going "mad".
As for medications, I've seen it time and time again with people who suffer from depression and/or anxiety - doctors don't know exactly how any person is going to respond to these types of drugs. Unfortunately, it usually is by "trial and error". The brain is so complex - there must be just the right balance of the chemicals in the brain for it to work properly. Remember that doctors are human too, make mistakes and simply don't have all the answers.
Was she thoroughly checked out after each of her falls to rule out any type of head trauma? My mom has fallen five times in the last three weeks and the staff checked her out thoroughly. It is not unusual at all for her to not remember these incidents - their sense of "time" is often askew. When was the last time she had a complete bloodwork up done? That may help determine other issues that could be going on. I know others disagree but, maybe a brain scan would be beneficial as it's possible she may have had TIA's (mini-strokes). That's what my mom had prior to her Alzheimer's diagnosis.
As for your feelings of "guilt" - feelings in and of themselves are neither right or wrong - they just are. We all can find something to feel guilty about in our journey as caregivers but in the end we do what we know at the time and hindsight is always 20/20. You are not selfish for needing support - we all need it. It's what keeps us going. Please reach out to the "Alzheimer's Association" at
1-800-272-3900. They are a 24/7 hotline. The first person you are connected with is the one who takes basic information from you and then if they determine you need to talk to a counselor, they will put you through to one that's available or you will get a return call if one isn't at that moment. There's no charge for this service. Since my mom contracted COVID in April, I've called them many times for guidance, support and/or resources.
I sure hope you can hang in there and get some answers as to how to deal with all of this - this too shall pass! Be good to yourself :)
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For the last week, she's been obsessed with her heat not working, waking up in the middle of the night cold, and then worrying so much she is making herself have an upset stomach. Today, I had her do some stretches, and breathing to get her mind off, and try to get her be a mindful of her own thoughts. It does help, a little, and it's only temporary. We also do some chair yoga, which settles her down for a little bit. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEjiXtb2hRg Maybe you can try this route?