I'm 32 years old, I'm a survivor of childhood emotional abuse and neglect as well as physical abuse, which in turn lead me to have a low self worth and ultimately, lead to my decision to get married in my late teens (adult) of course. I married had children and this turned out to be a very toxic marriage, I'm now a DV survivor. I worked very hard to get some level of independence. However my mom has been my first abuser for years and not only that but she's made it nearly impossible for me as an adult not to need her, from trying to brainwash me that everyone that's not her is only coming in my life to destroy my life, to every single man on this earth is a Jeffrey Epstein she has an unhealthy obsession with predators, we all know they exist and I myself as an SA survivor I know what to look out for and the proper precautions to take, but this seems to be her way of keeping me from getting in a relationship or ever getting married again. I'm in no rush but I noticed she works extra hard to make sure I have no time alone that I always have at least one child with me and they have to report back to her everything. Im 32 and I still don't have a driver's license, where I live it's unattainable without someone kind enough to let you borrow their car and driving schools don't allow their cars to be used for the road test, it wasn't a priority for my mom to teach me when I was a teen, and my toxic ex husband refused to allow me to drive, so I've been in this decade long fight trying to get a driver's license on my own, Im unable to keep jobs or have any stability due to this and co workers quickly lose respect for me when they see me being picked up and dropped off by my mom and my kids all in the back of the car. I had one opportunity to buy a proper running car during the pandemic but because I was staying with her due to a move she begged and begged me to not buy a car, and unfortunately where I live from my knowledge you cant buy a car without a license I had no one to register it with. I'm really in the dark about car buying I try to figure it out but I have no help, but the fact she begged me to not buy a car knowing I'm a single mom made me question her intensions? I worked and worked over the years busting my a** on min wage jobs losing them due to transportation issues mainly, and my final straw was after my mom met me after work after I Uber'd home and she beat me with a heavy duty tripod upside my head striking me multiple times until I collapsed and that wasn't good enough she had my brother who very large in height and weight pin me down so that I couldn't escape then when I somehow managed to get out of it, she told him to go and get the gun to shoot me with(he didn't). All of this occured after a bad argument we had and I told her I was leaving and that I was taking the kids with me after she called social services on me and then lied and said the neighbor did it, and told several different stories, whatever narrative she tried to spin, and whatever response they had sent her into rage, but idk how true her story is, or if by me saying I was leaving and taking the kids , it sent her into a rage. I'm permanently traumatized 4 broken teeth later, she really made sure to try and disfigure me. the assault left me painfully hurt, confused and I had to resign from my job, we moved out a month later, fast forward it's been almost two years since that happened and me distancing myself trying to get my life in order, but a struggle with no access to transportation, I occasionally rely on her for rides or I'm forced to have to report to her if I use ride share which is rare, she is constantly trying to find opportunities to be a part of my regular daily life, using things that I would have normally said yes to out being necessity, but I will pay double on grocery delivery, I've been unemployed on snap benefits almost a year, all she talks about is me getting a job and her watching my kids or us going to work the same job togeth
It might help to keep your responsibility to your children at the forefront while moving ahead. Some would say it is downright abusive of you to continue to allow them to see you so abused. Remember JustMyOpinion’s comment, very important!
”Your children will learn it is ok to abuse people and that bad behavior is ok to give it and to get.”
Please tell us how you and your kids are faring!
Just like Burnt said below, take responsibility for yourself. Your story sounds a bit like mine. I had an alcoholic mother who would get violent at times, and I moved back home with her until she died. I was in the situation where I couldn't just up and leave my disabled sister; so, I took on that responsibility as well. My father had married the woman he was cheating on my mother with, and they wanted us out of the house and wanted me to buy the house on a less than minimum wage income. LOL Plus I was buying groceries, working temp assignments because my job had laid me off. Later I realized it was a blessing in disguise. I was allowing people to push me around and realized that I must be making these crazy choices in my life. I was on automatic pilot in letting life happen to me instead of taking action for my own well being and my child's well being. We got out of that situation three years later after mom died. I got sick of being pissed on and bullied by my older sister and my dad, so I had my sister placed in a day program, and eventually, she was accepted into a group home. By the grace of God, I found an apartment in a quaint neighborhood and moved in two weeks before my sister was placed. I told dad that I was leaving and he would need to move back home for those two weeks because I had put a deposit on my apartment.
Also, I found a stable position before moving out of the family home, and retired from that job in 2020 due to the pandemic and my job was outsourced. I did okay for awhile on severance, so now I'm back in the game again of looking for full time employment or at least land a job that offers more stable hours than what I'm getting now.
Keep your chin up. I was a young bride and found myself in my thirties floundering around. When I was job hunting I wore out five pairs of Payless shoes on that concrete. Eventually, I did find my nitch and worked for a very nice supervisor. I realized that there were some civilized people.
As for getting your teeth fixed if you haven't done so already, try some of the dental schools that can probably fix your teeth for a fraction of a cost. Sign up for medicaid and snap for yourself and children.
But my advice is you have to be ready and willing to do the work.
I've tried helping people in different ways, quite a few said they wanted help, but wouldn't do the work.
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink so to speak
Good luck, 988#
1. You may drive off the paved roadway to pass another vehicle:
a.If the shoulder is wide enough to accommodate your vehicle.
b.If the vehicle ahead of you is turning left.
c.Under no circumstances.
2. When approaching a railroad crossing with no warning device, the speed limit is:
a.15 mph.
b.20 mph.
c.25 mph.
3. Parallel parking is when the:
a.Front wheels are turned toward the street.
b.Vehicle is in line with other parked vehicles.
c.Rear wheels are touching the curb.
4. When you are merging onto the freeway, you should be driving:
a.At or near the same speed as the traffic on the freeway.
b.5 to 10 MPH slower than the traffic on the freeway.
c.The posted speed limit for traffic on the freeway.
5. Dim your high-beam headlights to low-beams within ______ feet when a vehicle is coming towards you.
a.200
b.300
c.500
Take your children with you. Once you have arrived, take a parenting class.
Register for help in your new area with victims of domestic abuse and a therapist.
Get a new phone and block your mother's calls. Never call her.
Remove her number from your children's devices.
Do not announce you are leaving. You may need to go underground, even with visitation by the children's father.
Contact the Domestic Violence people to access the supported underground.
Get an understanding that you are not thinking clearly, for so many reasons.
You may have a traumatic brain injury from your mother's assault on you. See a doctor about getting on disability.
You may not be able to extricate yourself from your mother without help.
(The D.A. social services, a doctor. an attorney-free legal advice).
However, if you cannot, do call child protective services who will protect and remove your children from her influence.
When it comes to obtaining a driver's license, it is something an adult does on their own, no matter how hard it is.
The Witness Protection Program relocates people whose lives will truly be in danger if they testify against them.
The OP needs to get a job and move away from mom. Then sever all ties with her. The only way that's going to happen is if she gets her act together and does the hard work.
Your mom is slowly turning up the heat, please find away out
When you have been abused it actually changes your brain chemistry, to where you can't even think on how to get out. So find away to get out and get a therapist asap
Life is what you make it, my friend. I too married my first husband when I was a teenager (no kids) and I have a mother very much like yours. Really though, it's time for you to grow up and take some responsibility for youself and your kids. Mom "brainwashing" you and other assorted nonsense is just that. Nonsense.
If your mother violently assaulted you, have her arrested. Then go to an abused womens' center because you're living in a dangerous domestic violence situation. They will help you. It's a safe place and they'll get you into programs that can help you get a job and take care of yourself.
You say your kids live with you. Where is their father or fathers? They should be living with their other parent because you have them in a dangerous situation. So take some responsibility for their sake and get them away from your mother.
If you have minor children you are no doubt receiving child support for them and your SNAP benefit also extends to them. So you have some money to work with. Also, if you're unemployed, have kids, and are on SNAP you are eligible for job training through that program and it's free.
You have to take some steps to help yourself here. So stop complaining about how your mother is ruining your life and call your SNAP case worker and ask how you can get enrolled in some job training. Good luck.
She will not let go, ever. She will never respect or love you. She enjoys hurting you and taking her craziness out on you. She is mentally ill and you can’t fix her. Give up trying on that.
YOU are the one who has to let go.
Forget sparing her feelings or making nice. You need to stop contacting her and relying on her in any shape or form. That is when you can start healing from all the trauma you’ve endured all your life, and be a better mom than yours was.
There has to be a means for you to get a drivers license. Call the DMV or local driving schools. You keep explaining why you can’t get a DL, like it’s out of your control. It isn’t. You’re scared to buck mother’s authority because she raised you that way. Now it’s time to raise yourself. You were strong enough to dump your ex-husband, you can take charge here too.
If she is ever violent with you again, call 911 and have her arrested. You have to for everyone’s safety. It’ll be hard to do but remember it’s HER actions, not yours, that caused the situation.
At this point the choices you make are your own.
That includes the choice of whether or not to allow a 56 year old mother to continue to abuse you.
If you find that the habitual patterns formed by childhood are impossible to break I have two suggestions:
1. Move 1,000 miles away from your mother and limit calls to once a day; hang up as soon as the call is in ANY way negative.
2. Get a VERY good psychologist. I don't mean one who sits and sympathizes with you and then takes your cash. I mean one who shakes your world by pointing out the habitual patterns and paths you are forming and traveling.
There is of course the third choice, because I as an RN often saw abusive elders in their 90s with children tripping over themselves to placate them--said children being in their 70s.
It's up to you.
Also, contact your employment office and let them know you are looking for job training so that you can get a better paying job above minimum wage.
I don't get why you have to keep reporting to her when to take a rideshare such as UBER or Lyft.
Why do you still depend on her when she is violent. You can get vouchers to have someone to watch your kids while you work. Get yourself and your kids to a shelter and get counseling.
I think that you should definitely call 988 , it's a crises hot line. You can
call or text. Please try that. Not sure
ow good it is per state, it's pretty new . But I've heard good things about it
If you can't do it for you , do it for your children! They deserve a stable happier home!
You should have filed charges on your mother for assault over that tripod incident back when that happened. why didn’t you?
You need to figure things out. Your priority is your children. They did not ask to be born and are deserving of a mother who can care for them. Is their father in the picture? If so you may need for him to take them until you get your act together.
You need to figure this out for their sakes. Don’t be a victim be a survivor.
Please contact a shelter in your area. You will meet other women who have been where you are. You will receive a hand up from people who can steer you in the right direction.
I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Please cut ties with your ‘so called’ mother. She is a mother in name only. You don’t owe this woman a damn thing! You deserve to live a normal life.
Wishing you all the best.
Instead of worrying about having a license, move to where there are buses or subways or downtown where you can walk to work and services that you need. There are solutions and you need to cut your mom out and become independent. Start ASAP. You deserve better.
By moving out of her reach.
Maybe this goal has to wait for some others to fall into place first eg more stable job, money & free time for lessons.
I also live in a very car-centric place & I do drive to work & shops, yet I can walk to many shops inc a small grocery store, parks & take public transport to work.
My daughter lives inner city. No licence, takes public transport everywhere. Chose her job & studies that were accessable independantly via transport. She kind of wanted a car licence when younger, but decided the city experience was a higher priority.
A car is important, but just one just part of the big jigsaw of your life.
What would be the top thing you'd change today if you could?
Your mom soon won't be ABLE to give you rides, so I would find a way to work the car, you know? They say we can learn just about ANYTHING from youtube videos now.
I am so sorry. I wish I had some idea to give you. I hope that others do.
Get to your Local Social Service office and allow them to set u up in a place to live. You should get food stamps and Medicaid for health. Once you get set up and kids situated do not tell Mom where ur. Tell no one who may tell her. Ask Social Service about training so u can get a good job. Get that license. There are driving schools that will take u to the test. Maybe they will take payments. Have your mail dlvrd to a UPS box. Once the Post Office has ur address, it ends up on the internet. Ck with UPS if this happens. You must break away completely from ur Mom and brother. You take no phone calls or texts. You block them from ur email. Your children should not be exposed to this abuse. If Mom and brother show up. You call the police. Do not allow them to enter your home. Maybe call the police ahead to give them a heads up.
This won't be easy because this is all you know. But u have children and need to protect them. It won't be easy but you will find a way.
The awful thing is that you have been enmeshed in this a long time, and you will need to take it slowly and step by step, working up to jobs, friendships with those who can teach you to drive and loan their car for testing. You and your very ill mother are now terribly intertwined with one another. You need PROFESSIONAL help.
I would go to any faith based churches in your area. I have never heard of any so benevolent as Geaton's (advice below) but I know her, trust her, and if her church exists perhaps others do as well. At the very least you would be some guidance and phone numbers I would hope.
Your question doesn't really involve elder/agingcare. But I am very glad you reached out to us and I hope you continue to reach out just EVERYWHERE to break the co-dependency you have with your very ill and limited mom.
This is a good website for learning about setting boundaries with mentally ill folks. (your mthr is mentally ill).
There is a good book, available from most public libraries called "Lifeskills for Adult Children". Get hold of it if you can.
You are describing a situation that is extremely dangerous, to both you AND your children! If mom or brother injures you to the point of hospitalization - or worse, they kill you "accidentally" - who will care for your kids then?
A shelter would be safer than this situation you find yourself in! They will not only give you a safe place to lay your heads at night, but likely will have access to programs to help you achieve independence, including, I'll bet, access to a driving school that can assist you in getting your license.
There is help out there for you and your kids, but YOU are the one who needs to be proactive and find it. It won't come to you.
Good luck!
You need to cut contact--ALL CONTACT--with this demon you call "MTHR".