She has her own bathroom, but no way to take a shower in it. The hallway bathroom we had conveyed to a walk in shower for her. She has told m, several times, she almost fell, or had horrible pain in both legs and back and struggled to get out safely. Yet she refuses to shower when we are home, stating there is nothing wrong with her mind. It isn’t her mind we are concerned with. I told her she could fall and lay there for hours and she said, “I hope so!” I told that doesn’t mean she will die, she always states how she wants to die because she can no longer drive herself or cook. She refuses to try to do anything else, she sits all day and watches tv, the neighbors and reads. And complains.
It also sounds like someone needs to guide her into the shower and help her by standing by while she showers. (also making sure she is actually doing a good job of it) You can hire a Shower Aide but a Caregiver during the times when she is home alone would be the safest option.
Getting her into an Adult Day Program would also be a good idea.
Might improve her quality of life.
My FIL and mother were the same , refusing help in the shower . Eventually they stopped showering altogether out of fear of falling and then later could not even recognize the need for a shower even when told . My FIL used to say same thing “ there is nothing wrong with my mind “ . He used to shower alone when told not to in assisted living . He kept wanting to prove he was “ independent “. Then he eventually stopped showering and could not understand he needed to shower , just kept saying he didn’t need help .,
Is your MIL on an antidepressant ? It may help make her a bit more cooperative . Sounds like she needs one. Is their adult daycare by you for some socialization, some of them will do showers .
If this becomes unmanageable at home memory care is the next step .
She could use some outside stimulation, like a companion aid (who could help get her to shower), or a day program. Eventually she will need more and more management, so maybe consider looking into good, reputable facilities nearby, or understanding that more in-home aids will be necessary.
She needs to be in MC where staff will assist her with showers or other paths to cleanliness in a professional manner despite her feelings about it. This is a broken brain in the sense that "feelings" and "wishes" and "wanting" no longer figure in the equation. Often the very worst approaches are those by well-meaning family. This adds to the struggle. I am so sorry. I think you have decisions coming up soon for a whole mind-body approach to her care that isn't familial.
There are some older folks who start to feel claustrophobic in a shower, so leaving the shower curtain/glass door opened half way at the end of the shower can be helpful. Baths are a bit safer but getting out of the tub can be a challenge at times (I know).
I wash my hair at the kitchen sink which is so much easier then using a shower. I found with the shower putting my head back would make me feel dizzy.
If someone is using a soap or liquid soap that contains a moisturizer, that can cause the floor of the shower/tub and even a bath mat to become very slippery.
On the market are items similar to baby wipes that one can use between baths. A nice smelling wipe is delightful :)
my Dad went thru a stage of it and I was shocked as he was akways super clean and took pride in his appearance
we devised a plan
gst a bowl of warm water and flannel
put a little disinfectant in it and somewhere pref in her room for her to wipe down
liquid soap
they even do no rinse soap
a flannel did the body and one for face
allow her to have a wipe down
of she’ll let you help - help her and give her some pride and turn around or leave the room fur her to wipe personal areas
leave a towel
that will deal with washing and then you can slowly work in a shower every Fortnight or month
and lay fresh clothes out for her
it worked for my father
And he’s nice and clean now
a lot if the time it really relates to the pain and effort it takes changing ( and washing)
my father would love his soaks in the bath then said he nearly slipped and wouldn’t use a bath again
for the shower try and get a chair fur her to sit on
we have my dad in clean boxer shorts and we help him wash then leave the room fir him to wash personal areas then return to help him dry
again leaving room for him to sort out private area
and the procedure became routine and gets quicker now
it was all about making the process easier?
good luck
Or maybe that was a joke (?)
Regardless of which door, yes, you need an aide to help her with showering.
Lock the door? What door? Why?
Does she live with you?
If she is uncomfortable showering, it is probably unsafe for her to do alone. She needs help. She needs a shower chair, and possibly an aide to assist her.
Not sure what you are wanting help with. Maybe just needed to vent?
My advice is to avoid getting into a battle of wills with her. You don't need to argue about the way she is choosing to spend her days. Her feelings are valid, and she has earned the right to live as she wishes, which may well be very different from her earlier days, and may be very different from your expectations.
If she is able and willing, try finding an adult day care program to get her out of the house and socializing with others. An alternative would be to have a companion aide come to the house to spend time with her. They could give her attention and do little things to help her with things she struggles with.
Also, talk with her doctor about prescribing an antidepressant.
Lay down the law with her. Either she showers twice a week with the assistance of either a homecare aide or you and your husband, or she no longer lives in your house.
Never allow the refusal of basic hygiene in your house. Or any other kind of unhygienic mess like food in bedrooms or garbage left around. Don't allow this.
Believe me if your MIL has it together mentally, the threat of going to a "home" wil be enough to get her regularly showering.
Not 'consider' facility living. It's either accept assistance to shower twice a week or you're moving out.
When you live in someone else's house you comply to what their house rules are.
The people whose home you live in don't have to 'work around' how you choose to live. You work around how they choose to live.
Basic hygiene is not an unreasonable demand to make as a condition to live in someone's house. It doesn't have to be a shower twice a week. You are right it can be getting washed up several times a week in the bathroom. Whatever works.
No one gets to stink up another person's place because they don't want to wash up. No one gets to make a mess and start a hoard in someone else's home either.
Let me tell you something. Just the threat of getting put in a "home" is often an effective cure for senior stubbornness.
I was able to wash my mum's hair using a couple of flannels and a little shampoo, as she was unable to bend her neck at the sink. I filled a bowl with hot water, massaged the shampoo bubbles into Mum's scalp, then used the flannels dipped into the hot water to remove all trace of the soap. It worked surprisingly well.
NB: Mum had quite short hair and it wasn't thick.