Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
She has mobility issues that prevent her from doing it. And if I can convince her to have someone to come clean how do I find someone that will clean up human sewage?
"Mom I can't stand this and it makes me sick to visit, so we get someone in here or I can't visit anymore" nuff said. Then call a cleaning place that works with insurance companies after disasters.. they have seen it all, One is called Scene Clean, but I am sure if you call your insurance agent they can recommend a local company.
Has your mother been diagnosed with any cognitive decline? are you mom's POA? If mom is competent and you are not (or somoene else is not) POA that should be taken care of in case the need arises. Self neglect is reportable as "Elder Abuse" so you could take that route and see what happens, would a "non family" person get through to her that she needs to change her living conditions? The other solution would be have someone take mom out for the day and hire a cleaning crew to come in and clean the house/apartment. (when you hire cleaning crew thell them the situation that they will be tackling.) Be prepared to have to do this again and again if the conditions do not change. She obviously needs help and if that help is not accepted nothing will change.
If you could convince here there are special companies that do toxic waste removal. Search "Feces/Urine Cleanup Services" = $$$
But you already stated she won't allow anyone to help clean, so why exhaust yourself thinking she'll magically be a different person if you present her with a different solution?
Does your Mother have a medical diagnosis of dementia? Does she have a PoA? If not, it may be best to just contact APS and report her. They will take care of her mess and find a facility for her.
Yes, yes, yes. Do this. My brother was living in this sort of condition, but we didn't know, as he wouldn't allow anyone in his house. We only found out after he called an ambulance and was taken to ICU with massive infection and heart failure. We called a company that cleaned his sort of mess. Pretty much the entire upstairs had to be gutted. He never went back home. Maybe you can save your mom from what my brother suffered.
Anyone who allows herself to live in such conditions is clearly not in her right mind. That means (probably) advanced dementia or mental illness. You might as well stop trying to reason with her because she can’t understand . She’s sick. She needs more help than cleaning her house.
I'm not her POA. My brother is. But he lives 600 miles away. I don't think she has dementia. She's very sharp. But she also has not left her house in 2 years. She claims she's afraid to be that far away from the bathroom. Which I get that but still, everyone needs to get out. Thanks for the help. I think this has all evolved so gradually I didn't see the decline.
Um, not to point out the obvious, but living in your own feces and being fine with it is NOT the mindset of someone who is OK. Not by a long shot. It may not be dementia, but it's certainly unhealthy thinking.
And again, not to be argumentative, but if someone said to you "My bathroom is covered in my fecal matter" you could not, in good conscience think that they are OK and 'still sharp'. A sharp mind doesn't think this way. A sharp mind talks to her dr for advice on what to do, and does it. They don't live in their own waste.
This is unhealthy by any standard and if APS saw this, they would remove her from her home.
As far as cleaning--I would NEVER attempt to do that on my own. I'd hire a professional cleaning co. that will come in full Hazmat gear and also charge a small fortune (well worth it).
Mom needs to be evaluated and treated for the incontinence and yes, she may end up needing in home care at a pretty high level--or she may be able to recover her bowel issues.
She needs to see her doctor about her fecal incontinence.
This happened to my mom. She was self-medicating with both laxatives and Imodium and had developed a blockage. Loose stool was squirting out around the blockage.
Consider calling 911 and getting her to the ER for evaluation of this issue. That's what it took with my mom. She wouldn't discuss it with her regular doc.
Time for a call to APS or the health authority in your town who will visit and if this is unsafe living condition will remove your mother for examination; she may need placement. Begin to decide NOW if you wish to be her POA (assuming she's able to confer it with competency testing) or her guardian (assuming she isn't competent.) If you wish the state to take over your Mother's guardianship let autorities know you cannot function as her guardian. It's a difficult job with uncooperative elders.
You would be astonished at what some people will endure from fear of shame.
You've got two issues to deal with, made trickier by the need to save face. One is her continence care, and I'd suggest a referral to a specialist nursing team for support with day to day management. Two is the state of her bathroom: I hope nobody's having dinner, but could you describe the situation in more detail?
Mobilty can really impact getting to a bathroom in time. Grab rails, walking aide, good shoes. May need all that.
Managing clothing can be hard too. Need easy options eg elastic waistbands - no zip flys, no panyhose.
Diet may need a real look at.
Alternating constipation & diarrhoea can be a real problem. Or both (as Barb mentioned). This blockage + leakage situation happens a lot the Doctor told me.
Medical direction may be needed to get regular again.
Can be a 'gut bug' too. Stool specimens can be done.
Has Mom seen Doctor regarding her bowel problems?
If not, why not? What's her reason not to?
I presumed my LO was too embarrassed to bring up the the topic of incontinence with the Doctor. There was denial (I don't have a problem, not very often etc). Reality was Every day + Every night.
I said I was concerned. I warned I would bring it up - then did so. A referral to a specialist continence clinic was arranged. While a cure was not possibe, great advice on how to manage was given.
Then when bowel incontinence arrived & became more frequent, again, I suggested seeking medical assistance. Again denial. Finanally convinced by home care aides to seek help.
Tests ruled some issues out & some dietary changes have given some improvement.
Staying in denial was a giant red flag to me there were cognitive problems.
Thank you all for your help. This is my first time seeing this forum. I'm so grateful I found it. Just a bit of clarification, she has had the bowel incontinence for years. She refuses to seek medical help because she doesn't want to do a colonoscopy. She says she doesn't have the strength to do the prep. Things got worse during Covid. She's in horrible shape and wasn't able to breathe well with a mask. She basically gave up leaving the house. She has not left her house since fall 2021. She no longer sees a doctor or gets haircuts or any other self-care. Her mobility is getting worse so yes the issue is she can't always make it to the bathroom on time. She has accidents and is unable to clean it up well. So there's feces smeared all over the floor and toilet. I think she's embarrassed to have anyone help. So she's in denial about how bad it is. She's never been much of a housekeeper. The rest of the house is dirty. The kitchen counter is covered with dirty dishes and empty food containers. She doesn't eat well. She never has. She lives on white carbs- English muffins, crackers, cookies and ice cream. She can't stand long enough to cook anymore so she relies on frozen meals for dinner. She insists that she's tried to eat healthy and it makes no difference so she may as well eat what she wants. She's mentally very sharp. She insists that's she's happy living the way she is and should be allowed to do what she wants. She does seem content. She's an avid baseball fan. She spends her days watching games and talk shows about sports. Im torn between letting her live her life and getting her into a healthier situation.
You can reassure Mom that at 88 no doctor will put her through a colonoscopy; in fact it can be dangerous at that age due to the fragility of the tissues of the bowel. But that there are things to try such as citrucil (not metamucil which ferments in the gut differently and creates a lot of gas and more explosive diarrhea). Once a day will give more form to the stool and better once daily elimination. She also clearly has other issues with not cleaning, and there may have been hoarding? Which means she really requires placement. Again, call APS and ask for their help.
The issue here is not finding someone to literally clean up the sh*t. Every homecare CNA and HHA has cleaned pee and crap off of walls, floors, furniture, clothing, and people.
Your mother cannot be on her own anymore. You say she doesn't have dementia, but a person willing to live in a dangerous bio-hazard there's some serious mental issues going on here. Granted, it could be mental illness but at 88 it's probably some form of dementia. Or both. Whatever it is she not coping and if care has to be forced on her, do it.
So now is the time to make some choices. If she will not be compliant with help coming in then things will go one of two ways.
Either she will have to be forced into a care facility by APS and the state against her will where she will live out the rest of her life, or you (or another family member) will have to petition for conservstorship. Then it will legally not be her decision to make whether or not paid caregivers are hired.
You're not the first person to find themselves in this kind of situation with an elderly parent and sadly you won't be the last. So many people are dealing with a stubborn senior who won't "allow" help to come in.
Here's the thing though. When they're living in unsafe filth and crapping all over the house what they will or won't "allow" is irrelevant because they can't make the decision anymore.
Your brother having POA from 600 miles away is completely useless. You're also not alone in a parent choosing the distant son over the local daughter. The daughter can manage all of it and so the work. The son can get the praise and look after the money. Sounds familiar? I bet it does.
Get the POA changed to you. Then your mother must be made to understand that either she accepts paid help coming in, or APS will put her in a nursing home. This is what happens and once they get involved it will not be her choice or her family's.
Trust me because I know. I was an in-home client caregiver for 25 years.
I've seen many a stubborn elder removed from their homes and placed against their will and against the wishes of family because the filth and squalor of the home was unsafe. More than a few of those cases were reported by myself. I was mandated to report if a client's home was unsafe or if abuse was suspected.
I always gave a stubborn elder a chance to get compliant with care and a family some time to clean a place up before snitching to APS. I'm unusual though. Most caregivers call it in on day one.
Get in that house. Call a cleaning company to handle it. Then get your mom to her doctor and get that POA changed over to you. Start here.
I'm glad you found this group because you'll find a lot of good people here with good advice.
“Your brother having POA from 600 miles away is completely useless. You're also not alone in a parent choosing the distant son over the local daughter. The daughter can manage all of it and so the work. The son can get the praise and look after the money. Sounds familiar? I bet it does.”
Sure does sound familiar! The golden child syndrome.
I would not even try to tackle it. I would call APS . Mom is 88, there is some mental decline at 88. She is not thinking reasonably. She needs to get to a hospital for evaluation. She then needs to be placed in LTC or AL if she can afford it, unless you or brother want to care for her. It is no longer what Mom wants but what she needs.
We all get elder and don’t know what our “condition” may be. Trust me I know the “stress” that comes with a “demented” mom so I not judge you in any way for your feelings but it’s our parents,if she is not well and can’t help her self make the right decisions,it’s you have to make the best decisions for her,whatever you do please let it be out of love! All will be well
Those who advised you to call protective services have never read “How the elderly lose their rights” in New Yorker 2017 https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/10/09/how-the-elderly-lose-their-rights Involving the authorities is irreversible, you can’t take it back
You can’t wave POA over your mother’s head - she won’t care - as she is the one who gave it to you - she could take it back or worse yet - give it to some unsavory individual who is after her assets/social security check or government money they will be getting for your mother - now “their client”- the people which you may bring home to her…
You don’t know what type of people you bring into your family and what they are capable of doing to your mother, her assets if she had any or even to you - accuse you of neglect and take restraining order against you or charge you for supervised visits to your mother in her home?
First, what is your goal? Do you want to place you mother in the facility so YOU THINK that now she is taken care of? So you don’t have to deal with her? If that is the goal -then sure - who we are to judge?
She will be just in the same filth - only now in the nursing home - getting UTI and dementia like symptoms from unchanged on time diapers, unable to go to the bathroom without a nurse - who comes with 40 min delays or never and during night shifts in particular.
I know of some horror stories - the residents are neglected, robbed, stolen from, even beaten and raped .The YT is full of hidden cameras videos.
The nursing stuff is limited due to availability or often on purpose- to have higher profits and the ones who are available - could be uneducated, cruel and unsavory members of the society who are working for low pay (profits) How do you feel about that?
Solve the problem: hire a shower lady and cleaning lady. Use the APS as a threat as an alternative What creates “filth” besides her bowels? Is it more of a personal hygiene issue or is she spreading poop over the walls? Bedding?, If the latter - she may have some type of dementia, unless the spreading is accidental - then the memory care could be the answer
How does she occupy her time? Can she hold a conversation? Does she have any enjoyment from the food? Reading? from her activities if she can do any?
People have different standards of cleanliness - what is filthy to you could be just something she had to get used to and tolerate as she can’t do it anymore and doesn’t want strangers interrupting her day?
Perhaps, the fact that she isn’t mobile is the cause of the filth and smell? Older people have anosmia quite often and can’t smell themselves.
If she has some bowel disease - she may not make it to the bathroom on time and if she can’t clean herself - then that is the problem to solve.
And you can’t expect the immobile 88y.o. to vacuum, dust and clean.
Are her shower facilities adequate - meaning she enough room that she could get in there with no barrier? have grab bars to pull herself in there? Have enough room for a shower char to sit so she wouldn’t fall in there? Is anyone available to safeguard her?
She might simply be afraid to fall if she is unsteady- falls in the bathrooms is one of major causes of death for elderly in their homes.
If not - that is a problem you need to solve first. - reconstruct the shower in her home or - hire CNA who has 1 job - to give her shower 1-2 times a week (that how often they cleaned in the nursing homes)and show her how to clean herself in the CNA absence using fecal incontinence products like anal fecal plug https://products.coloplast.com.au/coloplast/continence-care/peristeen/peristeen-anal-plug/
TLDR: if your mother have any quality of life left at her home and isn’t severely demented - just hire regular cleaning and buy fecal incontinence products to help her stay clean. Use the treat of APS - but you don’t have to - she isn’t strong to fight you or them - just tell them to ignore her outbursts if any.
Get POA status and, make needed decisions for her safety and well being in her home. This sounds like a biological hazard and, that you may need to simply call 911 to come transport her to ER for further cognitive assessment and other potential illness. Or, Get in touch with her PCP, tell PCP the observed behaviors and household conditions; ask PCP for referral to social services to have case manager social worker come to the home to further assess your mother , the dynamics and home. Or, you can call APS, Adult Protective Services, make a report anonymously if you wish , and and them visit the home , assess your mother and take it from there.
If your mother can cognitively comprehend and retain information, you can try if you want to explain the above options to her and potential consequences. Perhaps she may allow cleaning services. However, if there is human waste in the home, it sounds like you need to go with calling 911, or calling APS, or get social services involved thru her PCP.
Perhaps your mother is embarrassed by her bowel problem and that is why she does not allow anyone to help her clean up. Is there anyone living with her who can help her to the bathroom since she has mobility problems? Perhaps she can’t get to the bathroom fast enough and that is why the mess is everywhere other than in the toilet. Speak to her PCP as I’m sure he will recommend a remedy for this problem.
In the meantime, you will need to hire professional cleaners to clean up the sewage as this is a biohazard. You can Google “professional cleaners” then pick the best one from the list.
If it’s possible try to clean up the worst while she is sleeping. You can also pretend to use the bathroom and spray the toilet, sink and tub then use paper towels to clean why the sink is running. Be quick. Also I find it helpful to find out the trauma of why it is what it is. A lot of older people have a past they don’t tell. And it affects them. But I hope things work out for you and your mom. All the support in the world sometimes is more valuable than a sparkling home.
You can't let this go. You have to intervene and either remove your mother temporarily and hire professional cleaners. Keep in mind 2 weeks later you don't want the same scenario to replicate itself.
Should mother be living like this from here on in. It sounds like there are problems with "Activities of Daily Living". They know something is wrong, perhaps a bit of Dementia is coming or more likely a UTI from hygiene issues.
You need to fumigate. You didn't further explain, is this a house, apartment, what type of dwelling. I would your mother's Primary Care Physician for an Assessment a Homecare (VNA, Cleaning, Custodial Care, etc.) and keep them in place as long as you can.
They need someone to step in whether they like it or not.
Mom needs to be in a nursing home and in diapers. Living in a feces covered house is a recipe for infection and disease. It's not like you can clean once or twice a week either because most people take a crap at least once a day.
Get your mother to the ER if you can . Have them check her bowel issues as well as get cognitive testing done . If her cognitive tests determine that she is not safe to live alone , she can be placed in a facility right from the hospital . Speak with a social worker at the hospital . Don’t let them try to make you take Mom home with you . You tell them you can not take care of her . If you can’t get her to the ER either on your own or by EMS . Call APS, or your local Area of Aging to help .
Pat9278: Adult Protective Services will have to be called for this deplorable living situation. Something seems to be amiss because a person who "is mentally veey sharp" should not be living in such an unacceptable fashion.
My Dad is 95 with progressing dementia Alzheimer's. For a long while My Dad refused to let me clean his room or ensuite bathroom (I think he was embarrassed). I was able to convince him that it was unsafe and unhealthy for him not to let anyone clean up for him. I had to get a little angry with him and told him I'd have to have him placed in a nursing home if he didn't let me help. He now where's diapers full-time, several waterproof pads on his bed. I clean his space daily including his toilet (because he misses sometimes) Got him an elevated seat which helped a lot! It wasn't easy but I didn't give him a choice. There wasn't feces everywhere as you stated with your mom but his space definitely needed a good santizing. He's happier now and enjoys his space and can even have his coffee and pie in his room while he watches his favorite westerns. I hope you find a solution quickly. Sometimes we just have to take charge and tell them to go sit out in the garden for a while so you can go in and clean up the mess! Keeping it up daily is a huge help as well. My Best Wishes to you and to your Mom!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
are you mom's POA?
If mom is competent and you are not (or somoene else is not) POA that should be taken care of in case the need arises.
Self neglect is reportable as "Elder Abuse" so you could take that route and see what happens, would a "non family" person get through to her that she needs to change her living conditions?
The other solution would be have someone take mom out for the day and hire a cleaning crew to come in and clean the house/apartment.
(when you hire cleaning crew thell them the situation that they will be tackling.)
Be prepared to have to do this again and again if the conditions do not change.
She obviously needs help and if that help is not accepted nothing will change.
But you already stated she won't allow anyone to help clean, so why exhaust yourself thinking she'll magically be a different person if you present her with a different solution?
Does your Mother have a medical diagnosis of dementia? Does she have a PoA? If not, it may be best to just contact APS and report her. They will take care of her mess and find a facility for her.
Start by involving social services. Good luck.
Also, you don’t ask her to agree to having someone come cleanup. You tell her it’s happening.
Get an estimate of the cost.
Present this as a plan to your mom, along with the cost.
If she refuses, you really don't have much choice but to step back and call Adult Protective Services and let them evaluate how she is living.
She is allowed to make bad choices.
Thanks for the help. I think this has all evolved so gradually I didn't see the decline.
And again, not to be argumentative, but if someone said to you "My bathroom is covered in my fecal matter" you could not, in good conscience think that they are OK and 'still sharp'. A sharp mind doesn't think this way. A sharp mind talks to her dr for advice on what to do, and does it. They don't live in their own waste.
This is unhealthy by any standard and if APS saw this, they would remove her from her home.
As far as cleaning--I would NEVER attempt to do that on my own. I'd hire a professional cleaning co. that will come in full Hazmat gear and also charge a small fortune (well worth it).
Mom needs to be evaluated and treated for the incontinence and yes, she may end up needing in home care at a pretty high level--or she may be able to recover her bowel issues.
This happened to my mom. She was self-medicating with both laxatives and Imodium and had developed a blockage. Loose stool was squirting out around the blockage.
Consider calling 911 and getting her to the ER for evaluation of this issue. That's what it took with my mom. She wouldn't discuss it with her regular doc.
You've got two issues to deal with, made trickier by the need to save face. One is her continence care, and I'd suggest a referral to a specialist nursing team for support with day to day management. Two is the state of her bathroom: I hope nobody's having dinner, but could you describe the situation in more detail?
How long has this been a worry, by the way?
Managing clothing can be hard too. Need easy options eg elastic waistbands - no zip flys, no panyhose.
Diet may need a real look at.
Alternating constipation & diarrhoea can be a real problem. Or both (as Barb mentioned). This blockage + leakage situation happens a lot the Doctor told me.
Medical direction may be needed to get regular again.
Can be a 'gut bug' too. Stool specimens can be done.
Has Mom seen Doctor regarding her bowel problems?
If not, why not? What's her reason not to?
I presumed my LO was too embarrassed to bring up the the topic of incontinence with the Doctor. There was denial (I don't have a problem, not very often etc). Reality was Every day + Every night.
I said I was concerned. I warned I would bring it up - then did so. A referral to a specialist continence clinic was arranged. While a cure was not possibe, great advice on how to manage was given.
Then when bowel incontinence arrived & became more frequent, again, I suggested seeking medical assistance. Again denial. Finanally convinced by home care aides to seek help.
Tests ruled some issues out & some dietary changes have given some improvement.
Staying in denial was a giant red flag to me there were cognitive problems.
Sometimes mothers only listen to sons. What would happen if he got very firm with her about this unsafe living situation?
Please let us know what you and your brother decide to do.
Just a bit of clarification, she has had the bowel incontinence for years. She refuses to seek medical help because she doesn't want to do a colonoscopy. She says she doesn't have the strength to do the prep. Things got worse during Covid. She's in horrible shape and wasn't able to breathe well with a mask. She basically gave up leaving the house. She has not left her house since fall 2021. She no longer sees a doctor or gets haircuts or any other self-care. Her mobility is getting worse so yes the issue is she can't always make it to the bathroom on time. She has accidents and is unable to clean it up well. So there's feces smeared all over the floor and toilet. I think she's embarrassed to have anyone help. So she's in denial about how bad it is. She's never been much of a housekeeper. The rest of the house is dirty. The kitchen counter is covered with dirty dishes and empty food containers. She doesn't eat well. She never has. She lives on white carbs- English muffins, crackers, cookies and ice cream. She can't stand long enough to cook anymore so she relies on frozen meals for dinner. She insists that she's tried to eat healthy and it makes no difference so she may as well eat what she wants. She's mentally very sharp. She insists that's she's happy living the way she is and should be allowed to do what she wants. She does seem content. She's an avid baseball fan. She spends her days watching games and talk shows about sports.
Im torn between letting her live her life and getting her into a healthier situation.
Your mother cannot be on her own anymore. You say she doesn't have dementia, but a person willing to live in a dangerous bio-hazard there's some serious mental issues going on here. Granted, it could be mental illness but at 88 it's probably some form of dementia. Or both. Whatever it is she not coping and if care has to be forced on her, do it.
So now is the time to make some choices. If she will not be compliant with help coming in then things will go one of two ways.
Either she will have to be forced into a care facility by APS and the state against her will where she will live out the rest of her life, or you (or another family member) will have to petition for conservstorship. Then it will legally not be her decision to make whether or not paid caregivers are hired.
You're not the first person to find themselves in this kind of situation with an elderly parent and sadly you won't be the last.
So many people are dealing with a stubborn senior who won't "allow" help to come in.
Here's the thing though. When they're living in unsafe filth and crapping all over the house what they will or won't "allow" is irrelevant because they can't make the decision anymore.
Your brother having POA from 600 miles away is completely useless. You're also not alone in a parent choosing the distant son over the local daughter. The daughter can manage all of it and so the work. The son can get the praise and look after the money.
Sounds familiar? I bet it does.
Get the POA changed to you. Then your mother must be made to understand that either she accepts paid help coming in, or APS will put her in a nursing home. This is what happens and once they get involved it will not be her choice or her family's.
Trust me because I know. I was an in-home client caregiver for 25 years.
I've seen many a stubborn elder removed from their homes and placed against their will and against the wishes of family because the filth and squalor of the home was unsafe.
More than a few of those cases were reported by myself. I was mandated to report if a client's home was unsafe or if abuse was suspected.
I always gave a stubborn elder a chance to get compliant with care and a family some time to clean a place up before snitching to APS. I'm unusual though. Most caregivers call it in on day one.
Get in that house. Call a cleaning company to handle it. Then get your mom to her doctor and get that POA changed over to you. Start here.
I'm glad you found this group because you'll find a lot of good people here with good advice.
Sounds familiar? I bet it does.”
Sure does sound familiar! The golden child syndrome.
Trust me I know the “stress” that comes with a “demented” mom so I not judge you in any way for your feelings but it’s our parents,if she is not well and can’t help her self make the right decisions,it’s you have to make the best decisions for her,whatever you do please let it be out of love!
All will be well
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/10/09/how-the-elderly-lose-their-rights
Involving the authorities is irreversible, you can’t take it back
You can’t wave POA over your mother’s head - she won’t care - as she is the one who gave it to you - she could take it back or worse yet - give it to some unsavory individual who is after her assets/social security check or government money they will be getting for your mother - now “their client”- the people which you may bring home to her…
You don’t know what type of people you bring into your family and what they are capable of doing to your mother, her assets if she had any or even to you - accuse you of neglect and take restraining order against you or charge you for supervised visits to your mother in her home?
First, what is your goal? Do you want to place you mother in the facility so YOU THINK that now she is taken care of?
So you don’t have to deal with her? If that is the goal -then sure - who we are to judge?
She will be just in the same filth - only now in the nursing home - getting UTI and dementia like symptoms from unchanged on time diapers, unable to go to the bathroom without a nurse - who comes with 40 min delays or never and during night shifts in particular.
I know of some horror stories - the residents are neglected, robbed, stolen from, even beaten and raped .The YT is full of hidden cameras videos.
The nursing stuff is limited due to availability or often on purpose- to have higher profits and the ones who are available - could be uneducated, cruel and unsavory members of the society who are working for low pay (profits)
How do you feel about that?
Solve the problem: hire a shower lady and cleaning lady.
Use the APS as a threat as an alternative
What creates “filth” besides her bowels?
Is it more of a personal hygiene issue or is she spreading poop over the walls? Bedding?,
If the latter - she may have some type of dementia, unless the spreading is accidental - then the memory care could be the answer
How does she occupy her time? Can she hold a conversation?
Does she have any enjoyment from the food? Reading? from her activities if she can do any?
People have different standards of cleanliness - what is filthy to you could be just something she had to get used to and tolerate as she can’t do it anymore and doesn’t want strangers interrupting her day?
Perhaps, the fact that she isn’t mobile is the cause of the filth and smell? Older people have anosmia quite often and can’t smell themselves.
If she has some bowel disease - she may not make it to the bathroom on time and if she can’t clean herself - then that is the problem to solve.
And you can’t expect the immobile 88y.o. to vacuum, dust and clean.
Are her shower facilities adequate - meaning she enough room that she could get in there with no barrier? have grab bars to pull herself in there? Have enough room for a shower char to sit so she wouldn’t fall in there?
Is anyone available to safeguard her?
She might simply be afraid to fall if she is unsteady- falls in the bathrooms is one of major causes of death for elderly in their homes.
If not - that is a problem you need to solve first.
- reconstruct the shower in her home or
- hire CNA who has 1 job - to give her shower 1-2 times a week (that how often they cleaned in the nursing homes)and show her how to clean herself in the CNA absence using fecal incontinence products like anal fecal plug
https://products.coloplast.com.au/coloplast/continence-care/peristeen/peristeen-anal-plug/
TLDR:
if your mother have any quality of life left at her home and isn’t severely demented - just hire regular cleaning and buy fecal incontinence products to help her stay clean.
Use the treat of APS - but you don’t have to - she isn’t strong to fight you or them - just tell them to ignore her outbursts if any.
If your mother can cognitively comprehend and retain information, you can try if you want to explain the above options to her and potential consequences. Perhaps she may allow cleaning services. However, if there is human waste in the home, it sounds like you need to go with calling 911, or calling APS, or get social services involved thru her PCP.
In the meantime, you will need to hire professional cleaners to clean up the sewage as this is a biohazard. You can Google “professional cleaners” then pick the best one from the list.
Good luck.
You can't let this go. You have to intervene and either remove your mother temporarily and hire professional cleaners. Keep in mind 2 weeks later you don't want the same scenario to replicate itself.
Should mother be living like this from here on in. It sounds like there are problems with "Activities of Daily Living". They know something is wrong, perhaps a bit of Dementia is coming or more likely a UTI from hygiene issues.
You need to fumigate. You didn't further explain, is this a house, apartment, what type of dwelling. I would your mother's Primary Care Physician for an Assessment a Homecare (VNA, Cleaning, Custodial Care, etc.) and keep them in place as long as you can.
They need someone to step in whether they like it or not.
If you can’t get her to the ER either on your own or by EMS . Call APS, or your local Area of Aging to help .
This is the crux if the issue.
Choice & control.