My adoptive Mum lives in England and has had a good life. She was really happy with my dad for 64 years. Just before the pandemic they moved into a tiny apartment, planning to stay there for a couple of months, rent it out, then find somewhere nicer for themselves. The pandemic meant they were there for over two years. During that time there was significant decline. They were fiercely independent, but my mum was the caregiver for my dad who was very deaf and it occupied her completely. That was her life.
I live in America and after the pandemic came over to the UK four times in one year to see them. When I last saw dad a year ago he said he knew his mind was going and that he wanted to die and he told me to go back to the US and live, that he was 'finished' and that I should concentrate on my own children. He did die in May 2022 and I spent a month looking after my Mum, staying on her sofa bed in England. I managed to get her to agree to have Home Instead come in every day when I left. At the end of the month she was doing great but I was completely depleted and nearly had a nervous breakdown trying to get her to allow me to do basic things like let me come to the supermarket with her as she kept forgetting her card, and cook. I ended up paying for her groceries with my own money even though she has a lot more than I do. She was rude and mean and told me I was a stupid idiot a lot of the time, and said everyone around her was 'mad'.
By the time I returned to the US I was depleted. I have had Lyme and all the symptoms were back and I was depressed.
She resisted Home Instead and was really against it, then she accepted it. She still wasn't eating or taking her heart meds. We would call and she would be unable to stand. Friends were concerned and she was belligerent or rude with people. "So and so is just boring" she would say about a kind friend who had taken her out. "I don't NEED help!" she would say, after a day forgetting to eat.
Finally she said "I hate the apartment, I am unbearably lonely here, I want to go to a Care Home so I can have friend". So we took her to a really lovely home, kind people, so nice I would like to live there! Now she says she feels like she is in prison and hates it "Everyone is so OLD and DISABLED, mentally and physically! It's AWFUL." She says she is absolutely miserable because they all go to bed at 6. She complains constantly and was crying when I called yesterday begging me to take her home. The problem is if she goes home I fear she will be complaining about being home and much less safe. She can't come to the US for insurance reasons and I am not capable of looking after her.
I find I am dreading calling her as the complaints hurt my heart so much. Honestly she was never very kind to me growing up, but she did not used to be outright abusive. Now she is. My two brothers get shouted at every time they call. It is a miserable situation. We are all grieving our Dad and supporting our own families.
Right now there is COVID in the home and she says she is locked in her room until Friday. She calls her friends at 10 at night and says if they do not come to get her she will throw herself down the stairs or out the window. This upsets her friends, who then call me.
Right now she has been there for two and a half weeks. We keep hoping she will adjust. I will suggest anti depressants for her. I sent her six books. First she thanks me and says they've saved her life - then the next time she tells me "I've read them all - how stupid of you to send books, stop sending them, it's a waste of money." She told me I was a stupid idiot to come over to see her when my Dad died, then the next minute she's almost like herself.
I feel guilty and every time I call her I feel like I've been punched in the heart. But I am a single Mom with two kids in college and I work full time and can't look after her. My brother had a Ukranian family living with him and can't either.
I feel really guilty but don't.
As many on here will tell you, you aren’t guilty of anything. Mom is where she needs to be. From what you’ve said, she sounds like isn’t an optimistic person. Some people just refuse to be happy! And she probably wants her old life back. Since that is not possible, she may be the sort who wants to take everyone down with her. If she feels bad, then she lashes out to spread the pain to others. Sounds like it’s anger, grief, and adjustment to a new place.
Is there a way you can have the home keep her from late night calls to friends? Or set up a time once or twice a week for you to talk with her? I wouldn’t put much stock in her crazy threats to run away. Like I said, she is just lashing out. If she did try to do anything harmful to herself, she’d likely be sent straight to hospital.
Could maybe mail her a gift or something every month? Getting stuff in the mail is a fun distraction!
Anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds would be a good idea. May take some trial and error with the med or dosage, but once she is settled down it can be a HUGE difference.
Your mom sounds lonely and befuddled. Yes, anti-depressants might help. So might being visited by a social worker or someone with a listening ear and the ability to help her sort out what she wants. Does the home have any staff like that?
If mom is threatening self harm, I would let the home administrator know right away. I don’t know what protocol is in the UK; we would say call 911 here.
Maybe what you feel is grief, not guilt, over mom's decline. YOU havn't anything wrong.
They have just locked down my mother's AL due to COVID, happens every time there is a holiday, they visit their family and bring it back to the home.
Let the home know what she is saying, everyone back off for a few weeks, no calls let her get settled in.
The more you listen to her complaining the longer it will take for her to understand that she is not going anywhere.
Keep your boundaries in place, I am sorry that you are having to go through this. Be there, done that.
You get over your misplaced guilt by telling yourself that she's safe, cared for, and her brain isn't working anymore. She can't help what she says. I know it's painful and easier said than done, but you've done everything right, and you're allowed a little pat on the back for that.
Placing a parent, I believe, is the hardest thing we will ever do for them. I bawled like a baby after every visit, for weeks. So, I imagine how hard it was for my dad when I was so torn up by the changes in his life.
You are dealing with the grief of losing your dad and part of your mom. Please do not accept guilt for this awful situation, it is what is best for her. Even though she is very scared and acting out right now, it is what she needs for her well-being and safety.
Have you spoken to her caregivers? My dad had more complaints and issues about everything and anything, it was just terrible there, the caregivers said everything was wonderful and the truth was in the middle. This is a pretty common scenario for new residents.
I found the truth by going to visit, hiding around corners and seeing how things really were. Boy was I surprised the 1st time I did this and saw my dad laughing and joking with others. A far cry from sitting alone, nobody to talk to and mean, negligent staff. Ask staff how she is doing.
I would encourage her friends to stop taking her late night calls and to call or visit during the day. Then I would tell them that you will have to stop taking their calls if they can't or won't help you with her new reality and encourage her to accept her new home. The boy that cried wolf comes to mind in these situations.
I would ask the staff if they could help her make a friend that is similar in abilities to her. My dad and his roommate were like little boys, talking in bed at night and being independent from the rules. They were happy and did things together throughout the day, which helped both of them settle in.
Because you are not local, do you know someone that could fix some special treats, take them over for the entire house and have a midday gathering for everyone to meet and speak? I found this really helpful for my dad to see all the faces he was living with and I was able to engage everyone with introductions and treats, it made him popular and he was able to talk with all the residents.
Stay strong, it takes some time and effort to settle in to a new home when you are completely healthy and have all your mental capacity, when you don't it takes a little longer.
2-1/2 weeks is not long enough to adapt to a new environment. She needs at least 6 months. Her mental health may continue to deteriorate, and know that this has nothing to do with you or your love for her. It's just dementia and the frustration that comes with it.
An antidepressant or a mild sedative may go a long ways to helping mum settle down.
You also just lost your dad, so in a way, you are grieving the actual loss of your dad and now the 'mental' loss of your mom. It's a lot to take.