Where to begin. I have been really overwhelmed lately and am hoping I can get some support here.
Little background: My mom passed away in 2019 due to mental health challenges. I went back to school, got my prereqs for medical school, aced the MCAT, and have now been accepted into medical school to start in 2024.
Separately, my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's (my parents were not together). I also found out he had not saved for retirement at all and was in serious debt (100k) with the IRS.
At first, it was only me helping my dad. I got him the appointments with the neurologist, traveled to my home state to make sure he was going to them, got him prescribed meds, was calling social security often to figure things out, etc.
Then my aunt became involved, and ended up giving my dad $20,000 to pay off the IRS. He didn't ask for this, she just did it. She has also given him money to pay his bills. I had met previously with a financial advisor who advised me to set aside some money for my dad's future care, about $10k, which I have almost spent all of now. She cajoled me into sending her $300 per month to pay for his expenses, then it was $500. Then this summer she began asking me to send her money for her bills and I said no, because my savings was set aside for my dad.
Eventually my dad began to take our social security and got on disability, but he does not budget well at all. For example, he spends $500 per month on gasoline, and eats out at every meal. His home is very dirty, he has several cats that soil his carpets. I'm not sure what to do about this, it's not new behavior. I remember as a very young kid, I went to his trailer and there were mice and cockroaches.
Things have come to a head recently, as my aunt is refusing to send me any of my dad's tax documents that I need to submit to financial aid to be considered for scholarships/grants. She told me that going to medical school is selfish and I need to come back home and take care of my dad. My dad does not want this. He raised me to be independent, to enjoy science, math, ect. No one in my family took care of my grandparents (their parents), but also, they had saved up money for their retirement. I have planted the seed in my dad's mind that he can come live with me and my fiancé anytime. I can't afford to give up my career to become a caregiver, and my fiancé also has a career that he needs to continue.
I've also received the advice from my therapist that when people leave careers they worked hard for and enjoy, they become resentful and depressed. Moving back home would be extremely hard for me, as I would have no job prospects (it's a smaller town), and would be giving up so much opportunity. I already resent my aunt for the expectation that I should essentially become a caregiver and leave behind my career, the possibility of having a family, the great opportunity I have to make a stable career for myself and grow my own retirement fund. I just, I guess, don't know how to navigate these relationships and what to focus on. Any help is appreciated.
I would love to read your comments, because from what I can tell they are good. But I cannot possibly read anything without punctuation and capitalization.
Up to you if you continue to write in this manner, but I think much will be lost in our missing your good comments and input.
Welcome, and have a great New Year.
I forgot to address this is my previous post. IMO your Dads income has nothing to do with you at the age of 29. You have been an emancipated adult since the age of 18. Even though I worked and was ready to put my kids thru 4 years of college, I don't think it should be a have to thing. At 29 I don't see where Dads income should come into you furthering your Eduation. Have you no income of your own since you turned 18.
Is it just these grants and scholarships need to see you don't have a rich Dad? Really, I don't understand why at 29 your income is the only one needed. Who paid for your Education up to now? If u, don't see how Dads income means anything.
Please PLEASE realize that no University can make the parent or family of a student pay for the students tuition or fees. The parents or parents extended family can have their names on a frickin building on campus but ZERO that financial aid office can do to force them to pay tuition, fees, books, etc once that student ages out of legal dependency under IRS regulations. It’s age 24 for taxes and age 26 for health insurance. Your 29 well past any of that.
Any fin aid who is telling you this is blowing smoke up your skirt.
OR is used to only dealing with the usual 20, 21, 22 yr old college junior or Senior freshly accepted into medical school for next year.
At 29 you are a real outlier for entering med school. Really try to find a fin aid person who understands that you are basically 30 with no $, no resources & need to borrow tuition, fees, books & living costs X 5 yrs. It’s going to be mid 6 figures $$$$$
Very serious borrowing. Life altering if it goes wrong.
It’s not the maximum 4 years of Stafford loans kids can easily get for college at under 28K all in for 4 years.
At 29 the cost on borrowing to go to professional school is all on you and if you get married then onto your spouse should you default.(Personally I would not get married.) & this is why I’m asking if this is a private medical school as they are beyond way way way higher in costs and not necessarily on par with State medical schools on ranking. You see it in how successful they are in match day & then on fellowship placements.
I’m not talking Colombia, Brown, Harvard, Grossman level of private medical schools. There are lesser private schools out there. None of the privates have costs capped except - as far as I’m aware - for the privates in Texas (like Baylor which is a top ranked) as Texas under State law has a cap on professional school tuition but has a tight OOS limit (& why junior year kids switch into TX Uni’s if they want to go into medical, dental grad schools as the tuition is way lower, it’s strategic grad school gamesmanship).
On living costs, if this is an older medical school, it may have an off campus fraternity with its own building. If so perhaps look into that for a place to live as they tend to have a older huge HUGE home that’s divvied up into dorm rooms with a kitchen with staff so there’s daily meals, a library (it’s a bar), a reception room (usually w pool table, gaming, WiFi), parking and usually a pretty nice pool as well. Are now co-Ed. Phi Chi is the bigger one with chapters all over. (My first hubs was Phi Chi & AOA). It’s really cheap housing and walkable to medical school. Their alumni seems to really support chapters. They are NOT at all like frats in college like what TiKis or KA is. Absolutely not college Greek at all.
I just want to call attention to the fact that these schools do require the financial information of the parents. Here's a link for proof from Duke for example:
https://medschool.duke.edu/education/health-professions-education-programs/doctor-medicine-md-program/financial-aid-doctor
They basically acknowledge the fact that it is crazy expensive and say that it's a "family decision" to attend a private MD program - which is BS in my opinion. It's basically encouraging nepotism in medicine....which is wrong for so many reasons.
I mostly have this figured out now, thankfully. I was able to pull my dad's tax transcript from the IRS website, which is basically a differently formatted copy of the tax return, and the schools are willing to accept this document. The loans will be expensive of course, but I am hoping that since I will be going to an at least top 25 program in the country, I will have no issue matching into a competitive residency program.
I haven't talked to my aunt since she got mad at me and I wrote this post. I talked with my therapist (several times, lol) about the whole thing and my emotions surrounding her disapproval. I'm beginning to feel better about setting boundaries with her. I have realized that out of everyone I know (all friends, all other family), she is the only one who is not supportive of me. She also has a bad track record with the rest of the family. Many family members don't talk to her anymore, she has loaned my cousin money and they got into a lot of drama years ago.... so this isn't an isolated issue. My therapist basically told me she is projecting big time.
Relating to my dad, I talk to him on the phone a lot to see how he is doing and am going to visit him back home in a few weeks. I guess the biggest issue I am grappling with is whether or not to call Adult Protective Services.
The issue with me calling APS is I would feel so guilty :( My therapist suggested that I hire a CNA/RN home health caregiver to come over to his house and provide companionship....and then if they think APS needs to be called, they are mandatory reporters, so they could make the call. Then I wouldn't feel guilty.
I found a home health agency and am planning on meeting with the RN manager, with my dad, on Jan 22nd at his home. The plan is for her to assess what kind of care he would need and go from there. I don't know what to expect with that.
The biggest fear is that I will be "on the hook" for paying for in-home care for many years if I start it now. My other aunt (not the bad one, this aunt is on my mom's side), told me not to start paying for the home health, and to try to have my dad pay for it out of his social security. Realistically, i can't pay for it right now, but the issue is that I don't think I can *force* my dad to pay for it either, and he's in denial that he needs help.
So if anyone has advice on that, I am all ears :)
"Just Say No"
Walk away.
Do not argue.
Focus on your own life / development / goals
No need to explain yourself.
Everyone is responsible for themselves, including your father.
If he spends $$$ that he doesn't have, then he suffers the consequences
OR
perhaps he needs to get a conservator from the state to manage his money.
This is up to him to decide. And that person is NOT you.
You are 29 and taking responsibility for your life and decisions.
Your relatives are DECADES older and are not, and trying to dump this responsibility on you.
Do Not Allow Them To Do It.
Stay in therapy and focus on your own self development.
And feelings of guilt or whatever comes up.
Realize that your aunt's expectations are HERS. She needs to own her feelings and 'expectations.'
You are not involved nor responsible for how she thinks.
This is her stuff.
Learn to set boundaries - as you are (wanting / trying to do).
Love and respect yourself.
Love and feel compassion FROM A DISTANCE for others. Don't allow yourself to be sucked into their psychological dysfunction.
Gena / Touch Matters
Your aunt does not understand how women today need education, career and there is nothing selfish about it.
Just imagine if you become caregiver, 20 years from now, your career, family, marriage. Would you have it all at 50?
Sure, some of their scholarships could be for lower-income students, but by the medical school level everyone is going to need help with tuition and no parent is obligated in any way to assist a 29-year-old with tuition regardless of how wealthy they are.
You have no obligation to save your dad due to his lack of planning for his retirement. What your aunt chooses to do is her business.
Contact Adult Protection Services and hand over his care to the state. If you don't have power of attorney, there's nothing you can do anyway.
Med school takes four years in which you don’t get paid. Then there’s four years of internship and residency in which you’re paid middle class and also start paying off your 300k med school debt.
Which you’re doing so you can finally earn at least half a million for life.
Another thing is stop enabling him that includes the aunt too. All you are doing is letting him use his money for things when it should be finding himself a place to live with care.
The IRS bill would have went onto his estate.
YOU NEED TO GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL. Don't give that up. You are not responsible for your father's care. You are only responsible for your care take care of yourself.
As far as the tax returns of your father for your scholarships I would tell the financial aid that I cannot get them and tell them that he was owing the IRS. I believe your father either didn't know how to fill them out or he just didn't do them for him being $100,000 in debt.
If you are worried about him asked for DHS or other agencies to do a welfare check on him that may get him in a place faster than you can. That may get him the help he needs.
I am with the others on here don't have him live with you that is asking for trouble.
Take care of yourself and continue to go to medical school. If any of your family was in the military try that route for scholarships.
Prayers stay true to yourself stay on your route for career.
Do not financially support your dad.
Do not have your dad move in with you. If he tries to take you up on it, tell him that circumstances have changed and your prior offer is no longer reasonable for many reasons. He may be disappointed, but that's too bad.
You, OTOH, need to go to med school! Congrats! Take care of yourself. Get married. Work on your schooling and then your career. If you don't put it first you WILL regret it for the rest of your life.
Best of luck.
Caring for someone with diminished capacity is like entering a black hole. It can become all-consuming, and you'd be surprised at how long someone can live with an illness like dementia or alzheimers. My MIL had a series of strokes and sepsis 6yrs ago. She can't do anything for herself, she can barely communicate, and yet she's still here. No improvement and no diminishment. Her mother was diagnosed with dementia 15yrs ago at age 80, and her doctor said she'd outlive us all because aside from her brain, the rest of her was in great shape. She's almost 96yrs old now, and still a handful. You'd be surprised at how long people can live under these circumstances. You can't be expected to help him for the next several years—the years when you can start your career, have kids, or whatever.
His bad life choices, and bad planning is not for you to fix now. You should move forward with your life. Your aunt should respect your wishes, or not, but that's her choice.
Is your dad a Veteran?
If so the VA might be a LOT of help.
If dad is a Veteran please contact his local Veterans Assistance Commission. give them as much info as you can. They can look up his records. There is NO fee for this service.
Your dad is young and may not qualify for some services until he turns 65. But you can contact his local Senior Service Center or Local Area Agency on Aging they may have suggestions for you.
The next thing you need to do is STOP funding your dad. YOU need to save the money you have for YOUR future, your expenses.
If dad qualifies you can help begin the process for Medicaid. I am sure a Social Worker at the Senior Center can help with this.
PLEASE do not move back home to care for dad. It truly is not your responsibility nor is it an obligation you have to take on.
Second, taking care of your father is not your responsibility. His sister is trying to pressure you, unfairly, into taking on the responsibility so she can feel good about it.
He should qualify for medicaid, if he is not already on it. Get him to request a meeting with a Social Worker/Case Manager from the county medical aid services office. You can and should be at that meeting. Often the case manager can come to the home. That person can help you find a suitable care facility, if that is what he needs. Perhaps he wishes and is able to live independently at home for now. Still, it is Not Your Responsibility to manage his care, or to manage his money. If he mismanages his budget and runs out of money, it is not your burden to bear. If the aunt wishes to take on the responsibility, let her.
As far as getting his tax return documents to apply for grants or scholarships, you can go online to the IRS and with Dad's help, request his tax transcripts or copies of his recent returns. If not, you may just have to find another way to finance your education without the benefit of those grants which require his tax information.
Please do not move him into your home. There are other options available to him. That is what the county health services are for. If you try to be his caregiver, you will be drained. You will delay if not miss out on your planned career. You will be financially broke. And you could even lose the fiance. This is a lot of strain on any relationship. You will be bitter, resentful, and physically worn out.
I care for my husband at home. He suffered a stroke at the age of 53, which left him bedridden, and with substantial brain damage. It's been 9 years now. I don't regret my decision. It was and still is the right decision for us. But I am physically and emotionally drained every single day. I now worry that he may outlive me.
I wish you the best. Don't feel guilty about making the decisions that are right for you. Anyone who tries to make you feel guilty is only projecting their own selfish guilt.
You say that your father began taking "our" social security and hedoes not budget well.
Why at the age of 29 are you getting social security at that age unless you are disabled in some way yourself? If such is the case, the rigors of what is probably the most intense and difficult degree to get (an MD) will be too much for you to take on.
Don't take your father on either. If he's as poor as you say and is already on disability himself, he is also on Medicaid. So, get him placed in a care facility that can meet his needs because if he has Alzheimer's those needs are only going to increase and get worse.
Then tell your aunt to go pound sand. If she wants to take care of your father and the bills that are not already being picked up by the American taxpayer, then let her know you're happy to let her try.
Also, as for you having no job prospects if you don't continue on in schooling.
If you've been accepted into medical school you likely already have an undergraduate degree in biological studies. You'll be able to get a job with that. Most likely in the research field.
If your father loves you as much as he says and doesn't want to be a burden to you, he will willingly go into a care facility so you can continue your life.
In order words, Aunt names you selfish for not giving her money so she can do as she chooses.
Now I'm not saying your Aunt is evil. She may truly believe she is doing the right thing - helping her brother. Helping to him to stay in his home for longer than his level of independance allows. She may have strong values that 'family helps family'.
It can make people feel good to help, to be the hero.
It's possible that when you examine her motives you may see that flinging guilt at you to fund her wish to be a hero is.. selfish.
You'll be burnt up.
Will that solve anything?
What you should do is connect your Dad with social services for his county. He is close to retirement age so not sure about the possibility for SSDI. $10K savings (if he doesn't blow it) will pay for about 2-3 months in a facility, or a little more help if paying a privately hired person in his home. FYI Medicaid in most states does not cover AL or MC, just LTC and this is for people who basically are bedridden or profoundly ill or injured. A doctor has to assess this need, plus the person has to financially qualify. And the Medicaid financial portion of the app in most states "looks back" 5 years. There may be group homes for adults that are less expensive, if he is willing to go.
"I have planted the seed in my dad's mind that he can come live with me and my fiance anytime."
Because of your youth, you are romantizing the future with him. Moving him in with you will definitely make you a full-time caregiver to someone with ALZ. Please educate yourself on this disease and how it breaks people's brains. You won't be able to leave him alone, he will go through phases, like not wanting to shower, paranoia and shadowing, and he will be like a large child who is physically able to do some dangerous and destructive things. He will become incontinent. Please disabuse yourself of the notion that he can/should come live with you, ever. No, just no.
You (and your Aunt) will need to keep calling social services (APS) to check on him. Eventually the county will acquire guardianship for him and take care of all his needs, including placing him in a facility. There is no way you'll be able to support him even before he needs facility care -- especally not with your med school expenses and loans.
Part of being a doctor is dealing with hard realities -- and this is definitely one. Plus, if you absorb your fiancee into this situation, that wouldn't be wise or fair, either. And he may not stick around for the stress. Many of us on this forum have read posts by "fiancees" who got sucked into the caregiving vortex and were trying to figure out how to escape.
Again: saying no to financing him or living with him does NOT mean you don't love him -- don't let anyone guilt you. If you read some of the posts on this forum of those who have gone before you, you'll learn that trying to "rescue" someone in your Dad's condition is an unsustainable strategy. This is what social services is for... people who are in your Dad's situation. I'm sorry he didn't save money when he could have. I'm so sorry for damned disease ALZ. May you gain clarity and wisdom and receive peace in your heart that there's not much that you can do, especially if you're not his PoA now or legal guardian in the future. Keep in contact with his county. I went through something similar with my SFIL who had Parkinsons and no PoA, no money, no options. I wish you all the best in medical school!
At age 29, why do you need your dad's financial documents for your school? Was he claiming you as a dependent on his taxes...had you been living under his financial care or was he was providing more than half your support in recent year(s)?
If he claimed you on taxes, I would think you have the right to get a copy of it. Try calling the preparer and ask if you can get a copy of what he filed for yourself and him. Or go visit dad and dig through the paperwork.
If you don't want to be a Caregiver, then don't have him move in. Dementia progresses and these people should not be left alone. It becomes a 24/7 job. At his age this is early onset, I think it progresses quickly. I would get him evaluated for 24/7 care. If found he needs it, then he can be placed in LTC.