This dementia has seemed to altered her personality. She wasn't always the sweetest person, but in all of my years of knowing her, she's never barked at me or raised her voice.
I call her every now and then, since I no longer visit. She barely answers the phone. I send her care packages every now and again. She used to send me a thank you by email, but no more.
I called her recently. She didn't answer. I tried again and she picked up and barked at me. "Why do you keep calling here?" I was taken aback. I said I was calling to see how she was doing. She barked back, "If anything happened to me or something was wrong, someone will get in touch with you!" I abruptly said, "Ok. Fine. Bye!" She yelled back, "BYE!" And hung up.
I kind of feel like I'm 💯 done with her. I've done so much for her and I still care, but she's not the aunt I knew. It hurt my feelings to be spoken to like that by her. I know she's going through a lot, but there's only so much of her nastiness that I can stand.
She had knee surgery and I think she was hoping to be her old self again, walking, but she's still not.
I'm not sending her any more care packages and I won't be calling her again. The visits long stopped and so will every thing else from me.
How does everyone else put up with the disrespect?
FYI, the interaction you wrote about is *nothing* compared to what may come out of her mouth to you in the future. You should have heard what one of my Aunts with dementia said to me in front of other people. You can't do it if you aren't educated about it, or have a thin skin.
You did the right and best thing by giving up PoA and staying away. May you receive clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work through this.
It appears, given your conversation, that she feels the same.
She is in care.
Send a lovely card once a week with your phone number included telling her if she is having a good day and would love to contact you please to do so.
Then get on with life.
The only solution was to cut off all contact with her as other family members had already done.
I suggest you stay distant from your aunt and refuse to engage in anything that she can latch onto to hurt you. My sympathies over your situation.
She is incapable of change. Her brain is dying. She has no control over what parts of her brain get activated and how she reacts.
You, however, have total control over how you respond.
The idea of being offended when someone has no control over their brain is bizarre to me.
Dementia is horrible, and so is having to deal with our loved ones who suffer from it. Unless we're ROBOTS, we're going to feel the wrath of their words. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.
Now, get on with your own life and let auntie get on with hers. She's shown you how she feels, believe her.
I made the mistake and asked about a person who would come and visit. I was met with nastiness and was asked why was I asking about so and so? It is none of your business. Now the lady I was asking about was someone we both knew. Even though the brain is broken, it does take us by surprise.
My last day with this lady, she told me that I was not a good aide and that I was not doing enough for her, yadda, yadda, yadda. I couldn't take it anymore. After she blocked me on her basement step with her walker and threatened to call and report elder abuse if I tried to move her, I was done.
Now mind you, I had waited out in the cold until someone came to let me in her home when she had taken codeine to get some sleep. Sometimes I was out there for about an hour at the longest. Another time, I was told to go home and come back because she had a ride to the bank and didn't want me in her house. A couple of times she had fallen and I had gotten her off the floor because she yelled and screamed that she didn't want me to call the paramedics to get her off the floor. And so on. Everyday, it was something different. I had cleaned her room, bathed her, cooked for her, did her laundry, took her to doctors appointments, did medication reminders, and took vitals just to name a few. Let me tell you, this can be one thankless job! And people just expected you to give more and more of your time.
Finally, all I could muster up was told her to have a nice life.
Afterwards, I had a problem with my blood pressure and went to visit my doctor. It was within stroke range after that case. So, even though we can act as cool as a cucumber, this type of abuse does hurt us. I didn't work for awhile afterwards. I needed a break from these types of entitled people. The agency tried to get me to go back, but it was obvious this woman needed to be in some sort of MC to at least figure what was going on. We had scheduled her for a doctor's appointment and they just gave her more pain killers and sent her home. Not once did she display any bad behavior during this doctor visit, but a day later I was out of there from a horrible episode. It is mentally draining to be a recipient of this ongoing behavior.
Sometimes our people will showtime that takes a lot out of them. Their brain is broken and they are trying to act in a normal range that is acceptable to people. It is a lot of energy for them to keep up this charade. Even though they act in a manner that can be hurtful to others, it is hard for them. The disease is frightening to them and not knowing when they are going to have a time that they will not be able to recognize what they are doing or saying what to whom. Our egos get hurt, and we forget that these are not the same people we knew a year or maybe ten years ago depending how long they've been stricken with this horrible disease. It's a disease that present many challenges to both the caregiver and to the care recipient. The sweet aunt, and that sweet old grandma who used to bake cakes and knit us sweaters have become people we no longer recognize. It is sad and frightening to us as well.
She's my aunt and I love her but when I try to call and she doesn't pick up because she's blocked my call or she gets nasty with me telling me to leave her alone, what can I do? Thanks for your story.
This breaks my heart that you'd abandon her because your feelings were hurt and you didn't get a thank you note. Imagine what she must feel when someone she cared about suddenly cuts off all contact and her broken brain doesn't understand why.
There is a reason why the relatives where Aunt lives will do nothing for her. She thought she could manipulate you to being her caregiver. She had expectations you could not fill. Thats her problem not yours. People who expect things from people are usually disappointed and unhappy people. Your Aunt has probably turned away the only person who cared. Her loss not yours.
We put are feet in there shoes, aging, scared pain, sad, lonely, and loosing all of are friends, and neighbors to age related illnesses.
We really have no clue what is going on in there head, a black paintedstrip on the floor could possibly be an endless scary black hole, that they may think will devour them. We don't know, and most of the time can't know.
And they absolutely make us crazy, hence why we are supporting each other though this.
Sence your aunt just had knee surgery, the operation my have made her decline worse.
And yes I absolutely do take things personally and it's hard . Sometimes we just have to walk away and do something for are selves.
You can always check on your aunt but avoid speaking to her if she isn’t receiving any pleasure from hearing from you.
My godmother was similar to your aunt.
I would go see my father in the hospital and on the way home I would stop by the nursing home to see my godmother.
When her Alzheimer’s disease advanced and she went blind due to her macular degeneration, she would scream out, “Who are you?” when I spoke to her.
I would tell her that I was her godchild but that meant nothing to her by that point.
I realized that the kindest thing that I could do for her was to stay away because she became annoyed by my visits.
I didn’t forget about her. I would call the nursing home to check on her from time to time.
Sadly, she had an unhappy life. She was a widow at a fairly young age. My godfather died many years before her. She didn’t get along with one of her sons and the other one lived several states away and was only able to visit once a year.
Honestly, it was a relief when she died. I knew then that she was finally at peace.
If visiting your Aunt or calling her is confusing/disturbing her, then stop. Send a greeting card every now and then. Hopefully when the brain has a more clearer loop, your Aunt may look at that card and remember you.