I have not posted for weeks. I have been overwhelmed with the sadness my mom is experiencing over not hearing or seeing from her son who lives in the same city! I have started to tell "little white lies" saying that he is working or he has a new girlfriend. The nurses agree that the little lies are better that mom worrying about him. Family from Europe are now calling me to find out where her son is and why is he not helping. I desperately need to talk to someone. My husband is terrific but does not want to hear about the situation any longer. He listens to the "cute or funny" things that mom says. Mom's dementia has gotten worse and she remembers me but no one else anymore. I have started to write a story about covid-19 and how it is making it impossible for me to go and visit her. I have now started to say "hopefully next year" It concerns me that the home that she is in has started to allow garden visits and there are 2 elderly friends that visit once a month. They need to be brought to the home to visit so it cannot be more frequent. These 2 ladies have taken mom's clothes and opened them in the back so that they are easier to put on. They send cards and notes, when they visit they bring items that mom might need like socks, powder etc. They bring pureed home cooked meals that the staff heat up. The church has gone once. I have been as patient as possible with my B but will no longer tolerate his vulgar, threatening texts full of his self pity. I have not heard from him for over 2 months now. Even the Trustee is concerned and fed up! The trustee has put all of my B stuff and now my mom stuff into storage but B will not respond to the Trustee to make arrangements to pick it up, nor will B pay for the storage. We have pictures and lists as both the Trustee and myself know that B will accuse us of "stealing" items. This has been 7 months of worry, sadness and anger. I phone mom and the staff daily. They are aware of the situation and are very helpful, there is just no other family involvement. How very sad for mom who has just celebrated her 100 Birthday. How do I cope without losing my mind?
I predict that if he has any money left to him he will make sure he will be found. I suggest when Mom passes you just let him go. May be trouble u don't need.
I couldn't agree more - let it go, "Butterfly72" doesn't need to be the go between anymore; let the adult brother answer for himself when relatives call.
You cannot make anybody do something they don't want to do - heck, sometimes I can't even make myself do something I don't want to do!
And yes once mom is gone, she needs to let him go to protect herself from a brother who may not only be trouble but, seems to be troubled himself.
I am very sorry for all of this grief, but you will have to let go of what you have no control over. Look up the Serenity Prayer. While I am an atheist, the truth of these poetic words cannot be denied. What you suffer from seeing the long slow decline of your Mom cannot be helped. But what you suffer from a brother who has disengaged from his family, whatever his reasons, is something you can control by not attempting to control it (if you know what I mean). You cannot fix everything.
He rarely visited Mom after that, when she moved to AL he didn’t visit, didn’t answer his phone or respond to messages. Even his daughter was frustrated..
Brother died 2 years ago and I still don’t know why he pulled away. I can only imagine he just didn’t know how to deal with seeing our parents age and grow infirm. I think too, that he was the least successful of us 4 children and was resentful. So sad, I still miss him.
How sad for everyone involved even your brother if it was what you thought his reason could be - not knowing how to deal with seeing your parents age and decline.
I'm so sorry that this was the way things played out at a time when your parents needed his involvement in their lives the most.
I'm know you still miss both your brother and dad.