I dread calling her every morning and seeing her as it’s just a litany of criticism and negativity
im almost 61 and she’s always been self centred
I suffer from depression but she never asks how I am
I do everything to make her happy but nothing works
My brother and his family estranged from her 10 years ago due to her behaviour
As I’m all she’s got I put up with it but am feeling more depressed and dreading Christmas Day as she keeps saying how much she hates Christmas
I just don’t know how to cope with her constant negativity and criticism
She was due to go for a Christmas lunch today with her lovely friend but cancelled as said it will be too crowded
Soon she will have no friends and become more reliant on me
What do I do for my own sanity??
I know this may be easier said than done but if you were reading this post from someone else could you honestly suggest that more time should be spent around a person who exudes such negativity. If she complains further than tell her she is causing you stress and sadness that is affecting your overall health and well being.
That is my advice to you, for you to have YOUR lightbulb moment right now. Back off and leave your mother to her own default future; one of her OWN making. She's going to be miserable no matter what you do or don't do, so start looking after YOURSELF now. Vow to enjoy Christmas this year, for once, and let her stew in her own juices about how the restaurant will have been 'too crowded' and yada yada. Just one more excuse not to do something FUN then look for reasons to blame someone ELSE for her own poor decision. Not this year, ma! This year I vow to be happy and leave YOU to pout. Have at it.
Stop calling her every morning and get rid of that pit in your stomach (the same one I lived with for YEARS until I said NO MORE!)
Stop expecting her to look further than the tip of her own nose b/c nothing exists past that point. It's all about HER and nothing else matters. That's what a self-centered person does: they live life as if it centers around THEM 24/7. Show her that it does NOT by calling her every other day to start.
As soon as she starts in with the negativity, you've got to GO. Oh sorry ma, there's a knock at the door! Oh sorry ma, silly me, I forgot I have an appointment I'm late for! Oops, there's my water boiling over on the stove, gotta run! Talk to you later when hopefully you are in a BETTER MOOD. Make sure to say those words so she understands WHY you are getting off the phone. WHO 'hates Christmas' for crying out loud? Self centered and egocentric people, that's who. And you no longer live to please those people, even when they are your MOTHER.
Take it from those of us who have been there/done that..........and back off on mother a bit. Focus on yourself and making YOU happy for a change, b/c no matter you do, your mother will not be happy. As my husband loves to say, "Some people love misery so much, they meet it half way." Your mother meets it three-quarters of the way.
Enough.
Enjoy your holidays.
Please also quit calling her every morning. Why continue to start your day with all her negativity? Surely you can think of more positive ways to start your day.
It sounds like you have yet to learn how to set the much needed boundaries with your mother. And you know that boundaries need to be set. I would recommend you read the book called Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
And if she "hates Christmas" let her alone with her negativity on Christmas and you go out and enjoy yourself with your friends, or go volunteer at a soup kitchen or the like. Something that makes you feel good.
And if she asks why she didn't get to see you, be honest and tell her that until she starts changing her ways that you will no longer be subjecting yourself to her negative ways. And when she starts being negative on your now weekly call instead of daily, tell her that you you're going to hang up if she doesn't change her tune.
You can do it! You're stronger than you know, and you must now do what is good and healthy for you and your life.
God bless you and Merry Christmas!!!
She is the same person she was 47 years ago when I met her, only more intensely so. She cannot speak kindly of anyone (her own kids included). I sent her a $200 gift box from Omaha Steaks for Christmas and signed it from my DH, b/c if my name was on the card she would have dumped the box in the trash. The last gift she gave me was an EMPTY envelope, when all the other adults got a $100 bill. Talk about a slap in the face. Also, not even very passive aggressive in her book. We actually laughed about it.
Since I will not go with DH to visit her, under any circumstances, he goes alone and can stand her for about an hour, the comes home and goes to bed with a pillow pulled over his head.
He's accepted what I accepted years ago: she won't change. She's hateful and spiteful and mean. IDK why. I have tried to understand her and I am still baffled by her behavior.
Dh has finally learned to keep his visits short and not engage in her anger. When she starts in with her "Poor pitiful me" Dh walks out the door. I don't think that even resonates with her.
People like that--there's really nothing you can do. At 92, she's very set in her ways, to say the least.
We just let her serve as a terrible warning.
So, to take care of YOURSELF, you need to back off. Do not do things you dread. Call her every morning? Nope. Or if you feel you need to do so, keep it short and sweet. If you're just really doing a wellness check, then once she answers the phone and you know she's "OK" then you can beg off. Tell her, just wanted to make sure you're ok. But I'm not interested in listening to all your complaints. Talk to you tomorrow.
Too bad for her if you're all she's got. She's reaping what she's sown. Just because you're the last man standing doesn't mean you have to put up with her negativity.
Tell her since she hates Christmas so much that you and her are going to ignore it. No celebration, no gifts, no talk of it being Christmas. NOTHING. Of course that will not make her happy either. She does not WANT to be happy. And it is NOT your job in life to try to make her happy. That's her job and she's failing miserable at it. Not. Your. Fault.
So, for your sanity, you limit your interactions. Don't engage into her negativity. Don't argue, don't cajole. Just limit your time and ignore her baloney. She's not going to change so you can only change how you react to her.
Look into grey rocking and setting boundaries.
mannnnnnnnnnnny daughters are in this situation.
(did i mention, many?)
1. your mother will NOT change.
2. she will continue dumping her negativity, criticism on you.
3. it makes her feel good. the worse you feel, the better she feels. it's literally like dumping garbage on you. she feels lighter. you feel heavier. she feels less depressed. you feel more depressed. you will try to lift her up. she will criticize that.
4. it's reverse empathy.
5. she will continue to try to drag you down.
6. no matter what techniques you try (grey rock, ignore, less contact, whatever), it WILL affect you. negativity WILL affect you. and she'll continue dumping it on you until she dies.
Ok, time to bring out a sense of humor. I know it won't be easy. When Mom says she hates Christmas, just tell her ok all she is getting a lump of coal in her Christmas stocking. If she criticizes how you do things, just agree with her, otherwise she will just add more fuel to the fire. This is all reverse psychology.
The ball is in your court, she won't change you need to change you and your behavior.