My father is in the ICU with heart failure and COPD and I fear it's the end. How do I cope with all this guilt and sadness?

We all have regrets, we all had ups and downs with our parents, we've all said things we wish we hadn't. That's life.

What your dad does know is that you took him into your home for all these years, were with him through his multiple health crises, and you're there with him now. He's no dummy -- he knows you love him.

This exact moment isn't about you and your conscience, though. Don't stress him further by burdening him with your regrets. Smile at him, talk gently to him, and tell him you love him. He'd probably like to say some things, too, but since he can't, it isn't fair to assume he doesn't love and forgive you, too.

Later, get some therapy if this is too much for you to handle on your own.

Yes, and I too feel similarly with what my parent and I have been going through. Although this is all so difficult, I'm so glad to know that I'm not alone like mj1929 said. Caregiving is a huge sacrifice. I used to read about care givers getting sick and dying ahead of the person they are caring for, Now, I understand why. We (unknowingly at first) place such responsibilities and then guilt upon ourselves. I'm also constantly having to work on accepting everything to come. I believe they also know we love them unconditionally.

First I have to say that I hope you have hospice involved at this point, and if you don't, please call them now.
Then I will say that it is important to say the things we need to say to our loved ones when they are still alive, as once they're dead, it's too late and we can be left to deal with the guilt of not saying what we needed to. So please say whatever you feel you need to. He already knows how much you love him, so don't worry about that.
Hospice should help you walk through all your feelings and help guide you through this process. I wish you peace as you walk through this time with your father. God bless you.

I have heard the word "comfort care" a lot lately for those in the hospital. Not sure if its a Hospice agency involved or the Hospital takes over giving the meds to keep him comfortable. Morphine will help with his breathing.

Keep doing what ur doing. I was close to my Mom too but she was not perfect. None of us are. Guilt is self imposed.

Do you know what a therapist would tell you? Two words, “Forgive yourself!” Whenever I lived in doom and gloom and got stuck there my therapist said that everyone, even therapists, make mistakes or say things that they don’t mean when they are frustrated and it is important to forgive ourselves.

Don’t think for even a moment that your dad doesn’t forgive you. My dad saw me as his ‘sweet little girl’ until the day that he died. I was a woman in my 40’s when he died. He loved me all my life, even when I wasn’t perfect! No one is perfect!

So, I will tell you one last time, ‘Forgive yourself.’

Shelly,
It’s perfectly normal to get short tempered sometimes as a caregiver…& you seemed hands on …living with you & husband. I don’t advise you to bring up anything emotional in past …just hold his hand.

just this morning (my mother’s private pay caregiver day off) my mother tells me how ugly I am…so I get upset …& walk away to get away from her for a few minutes…she is 94 with dementia…& sometimes says very hurtful things…I also have to manage her meds for agitation. I got her much calmer than she was a couple of weeks ago…but it’s still stressful.

So don’t feel guilty as every caregiver gets stressed out…some adult children don’t lift one finger & you did so much more.

Praying for you 🙏🏼 …
Hugs 🤗

Hi
The only thing that matters now is for him to hear how much you love him, respect him for all he did for you, and that when the time comes to say good bye, tell him how much you love him, and you will miss him but you know he needs to become an angel(term I used for my Mum) and that you will be okay....dont' get me wrong you wont be, I wasnt but in that moment they need to know you will be okay and its okay for them to leave...it's been 1 year 8 months, I have should have could have would everything. I second couselling for grief because it may hit you in different ways, sadness, anger....hearing is the last sense to go, so you may want to play music he loved softly, hold his hands and simply tell him that you love him...give him permission to leave I think is important when the time comes...just my thoughts...you will need emotional support, grief couselling is the best self care you can give yourself. Thinking of you,

The news on my computer this morning includes a ‘human interest’ story about a young lesbian’s difficulties with her father. She said “Though we have a fractured relationship, it's still a relationship that I still place value on and is a big part of my life”. I could say something similar about my relationship with my second daughter.

Your losing it under pressure in the past is nowhere near as bad as a serious estrangement. Any resentment your father felt at the time is almost certainly nowhere near as bad. It’s not important now, anyway.

Forget the guilt, and leave your own worries for now. The sadness should be for the end of a relationship that you have both valued. Do your best to make it as good as it gets for your father, make that something to be proud of.

Don't burden you dad with all the details of past hurts on both sides or even just your side of the ledger. If you feel it necessary, just giving him a simple I'm sorry will be sufficient and cause the least stress to your father - He'll know. Follow this up by telling him how much you love him. Only God knows that none of our relationships are smooth going. I wouldn't think there isn't one of us out there who hasn't said or done awful things or had awful things done and said to us - or had that perception. We must learn to accept our failings and strive to do better next time and the next time and the next time. We must forgive those and ourselves who hurt/wronged us in order to let go of the poison it leaves in our life and find joy.

You may not be ready to let your father go but know that his end of life is soon; if he is suffering, he may feel it is time to go and he may be waiting for you to say it's ok to go. Sit with him and be at peace, hold his hand and continue to let him know you love him (in your mind let the past wrongs go and feel the peace descent).

I'm sorry and hope you, your father and your family are blessed with peace, grace and love.

Let go of what you can't control, which is your what your brother chooses to do or not do at this point! It's on him, not you, whether he chooses to visit his father at this time. That decision doesn't make your life easier or harder because you can't fix the damaged relationship between father and son. Focus on spending quality time with your dad and that's it. There's nothing more you can do, you're not a magician or a God.

Your dad knows you love him so just be with him now. Let him be. If he doesn't want to be cooperative with the nursing staff, involve hospice for comfort care now. No point in furthering his pain or anguish but to keep him calm and worry free from now on. Your only goal is to see to it that he's relaxed and pain free.

Wishing you peace and strength at this difficult time.

I feel the same way Shellb. I'm terrified of watching my mother decline.. especially, when she's having passing out episodes that the drs can't figure out why. No matter what people tell me, it's very hard. I'm with your dear friend. Thinking of you and your dear father. Sending love and prayers...
PS I have the same issues with my brother(s). Like you, I'll be with my mother and carry it all (like I've done for the past 15 years). My mother and I have very rough moments also...

You are with him now, and you are not Jesus walking on water. You are human, and caregiving is hard and extremely stressful. It puts an emotional toll on all of us.

Your mind will go into overtime trying to find some reason to feel guilty. I don't know that's the way grieving is.

We all go through it. Everybody deals with grieving their own way.

I hope you got his estate affairs done and pre-planned funeral or cremation. You will have to deal with that as well after he dies.

If he has any kind of military stipend and Tri-Care you must notify them immediately after he dies. Medicare will not. The funeral home automatically notifies social security, but I would call them just in case something happens. You don't want a check after he dies because you will have to pay it back.
After he dies you MUST notify the bank and give them a copy of the death certificate. If he has a home with home owner's insurance, you must notify them of the death. Why? If the insurance is in his name they won't pay a claim.
If the estate was not planned anything in his name will go into probate. That is a huge legal mess. Death is a business.

POA is no longer valid after he dies. The Trustee is supposed to handle the business end post death.

You may want to talk with your dad and your family and discuss making him a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) because if his heart stops or goes into a fatal rhythm they will do chest compressions which can break his ribs and deliver shocks which are all extremely painful. That's up to your family but I would not want to put my parent in that kind of agony. Death by fatal rhythm is actually very humane. They simply black out and die. No pain. No suffering. With an ejection fraction of 15% he is high risk of that. DNR does NOT mean do not treat--it simply means no heroics.

My mom was on hospice for two years, but she got all the medical care including going to the emergency room many times. I used hospice like a home clinic and I told them to do routine labs, and continue her routine medications. She was DNR the whole time and yes she got treatment. My rule of thumb was this: Do not let her suffer. Keep her comfortable. She was--hospice never had to open that "emergency pack". So yes she got treatment -- just no heroics. ***BUT** I managed my mom's medical management and made certain they treated her. DNR does NOT mean "do not treat".. it simply means no CPR. You will be surprised how many doctors and nurses think "pull the plug and do nothing." I was there to remind them to treat her in no uncertain terms. But once she's unconscious and free of suffering--then let her go. That is what my entirely family agreed upon.

It's been nearly two years without my mom and I miss her so badly. It was quite an undertaking trying to recover from her death. My greatest comfort is knowing we all will die, and mom's ordeal of living is over. Nothing can ever hurt her--not her chronic illnesses and she even transcended death.

I still grieve and that is the price of love--grief. I learned to adapt to her loss, but I never stopped grieving. That's because I still love her -- she was my entire universe. Death does not stop your emotions.

That's it right there--acceptance of things I cannot change. You MUST accept it.

Shellb1087: Perhaps two words, "I'm sorry" are enough at this difficult time.

Shellb, I am glad to read your update that you spent quiet time with your Dad yesterday and that you were able to tell him that you loved him. That he was able to respond that he knows this. You bet he DOES. It wasn't some evil-doer felon caring for him all this time, it was his child, who, no matter she isn't a God or a Saint, or even a Good Fairy with a wand to cure everything in the world, LOVED him to the best of her human limitations. We ALWAYS have words with the ones we love. We always vent our frustrations on those in your immediate sphere. That's where we feel safe and loved enough to do it. What you are feeling now isn't so much guilt, or SHOULDN'T be so much guilt as it is GRIEF. Your Dad has known you a lifetime. The best of you and the worst of you and you have cared for him. Please be gentle on himself; it does him no honor to beat his child to death with accusations.
Tell your Dad how glad you are he could be with you, your could care for him, how much you learned, how much he will always walk with you till the day he dies. Tell him that you and he have built a whole world of memories you treasure. Tell him to rest, to be comfortable.
I am so sorry, I am relieved you understand that this time has in all likelihood come. Work to make it comfortable as you can for him, as peaceful as you can. I am so sorry for you both.

Other than giving birth, I can't think of any gift as important as sharing someone's final journey with them. Your Dad knows that. You might tell him how much it has meant to you to be with him through this time. Like all difficult journeys, there are ups and downs. You might encourage him to rest, but let him know if there is anything he would like to talk about, you are there. That you are with him is the only important thing. I think relatives that won't get involved, because, what a surprise, death is a scary, sad business, can be extremely frustrating. Really, they are trying to kid themselves that they can avoid the journey themselves. Doesn't work that way, and it is a terrible journey to let someone make alone. Your irritability along the way was just travel fatigue. Forgive yourself and rejoice in your ability to be as strong and giving as you have been and thank God for giving you strength. He did, even if it didn't always feel that way.

There is no point in discussing your regrets or frears with your father. You would be doing that mostly to help yoursrlf feel better or perhaps hope for your father's forgiveness.

He does not have the energy nor the interest.

Hold his hand, tell him you love him, and don't expect or look for responses from him. You can apologize in passing for your own impatience and harsh words, but don't make a big deal out it and don't expect answers or re-assurance from him. He is busy dying.

Thank him for the things he has done to help you in your life. Tell him you will be okay.

Your just being there will comfort him and he will take from your presence what he needs. If conversation is appropriate, keep it to present moment topics like "It's a sunny day," or " let me put bbq jelly on your toast. "

Stop talking about things you can't undo.

Your Dad is going through a lot.

Only day uplifting things to him.

Tell him you Love Him.

Tell him you'll be with him to be his advocate at the Hospital.

Tell him he looks good.

Tell him he'll be better soon and can come home.

Pray for him where he can here your prayers.

If you're truly sorry,, I'm sure you have already said it before and your Dad knows..

Forgive yourself for your both your Father and your Father in Heaven has already done so.

Just be there for him now and don't bother him with your sorry to help yourself feel better, you're there to help him.

Show all the love and kindness to him and he'll feel the love.

You sound to have been a loving daughter. You do not have to look back on times you could have been better (assuming there even are any and they are not just made worse in your own mind - which we all do if we think we were in the wrong). Just be loving towards your father and give him peace and knowing that you love him, he doesn't want anymore - he knows how you feel, and knowing you love him and support him is the most important thing you can do for him. Hugs to you.

I suggest you reread your statement. Try to refocus away from yourself and remember what makes your dad smile. Let him know that he's a wonderful dad and he's taught you well, so you'll okay when he decides to leave this earth.

Tell your Dad how much you love him. Tell him that you are sorry for the hurtful things you said to him before. Do not engage him in any conversation about what you may have done wrong. It’s too late for that and your Dad does not want or have time to discuss anything negative. You will not change the past, and it’s time to get over it and stop feeling guilty.  Hug him, and hold his hand. That will say more than words ever will.
Peace be with you both.

All you can do is be by his side through this. It will ease your conscience & give him comfort. We must try not to be terrified to lose someone. We all will leave & all we can do is our best. Nobody is perfect but you have something a lot of people don’t & that’s the best of intentions & effort. Let him lead & be there as support & TLC until he decides to go. There will be a new norm afterwards but that is the natural course & the way it is meant to be. Be kind & patient with yourself.

Just tell him you love him. Anything else is mostly you looking for forgiveness. You have nothing to be forgiven for - we all lose our tempers, we all have stress . Trust me - your father (or mother, or husband, etc.) know who is with them and they love them dearly. Most important is not deserting them as they leave this world. Just being there is enough. Should they pass when you have stepped away for some sleep or a cup of coffee or whatever - it is just meant to be for them to be able to let go.

Just finished some prayers for you and your father, Let go and let God... Surrounding you with infinite Love and Blessings... I Believe our loved ones are always with us... (I lost my father at 18).

Belatedly editing my comment from a few hours ago to say I did not intend to write "bbq jelly.". I am typing awkwardly on a tablet while recovering from surgery and I am a careless typist to begin with.

I do still wish for you to just be there with your father when you can be. There is no need to wallow in past missteps. He will understand why you ate there now even if no words are spoken. Probably especially if no words are spoken.

Been there, done that. I would gently tell him you are sorry for things you said and did and hope he will forgive you. Then tell him how much you loved him and thank him for all the good things. That is all you can do. Just tell him in as few words as possible so as not to overwhelm him and let him know how special he is to you. Good luck.

Did not worry about all the things in the past. Love is unconditional. You still love him and he loves you. That’s all you have to remember.

Write a letter to your dad, saying all the things you need to say, and letting him know your love. Sometimes when things are too hard to say or hear, reading a letter makes it easier for both involved. I wish you both peace

You can do this. Be brief. Tell him you love him. Tell him you are sorry for all the times you were angry and hurtful. Tell him you want to have peace between you. Then. focus of enjoying the time you can be together.

You are there loving and caring for him, hard as it is this is or can also be a very special time, rather that hash old hurts and guilt make this time as positive as you can for him by simply being there finding the cheer and joy each day for and with him. Whether it is the end or not making the most out of each day and putting a smile on his face not only says all you want to say but it will improve his mindset, his health and his last days if that’s where he is. He knows you love him and his heart will be full feeling that love, he will and does know your sorry and I’m sure there are things he is sorry for as well, the love you express and share through sitting at his bedside, holding his hand and talking about the day or good old memories expresses that and expresses forgiveness.