My father was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer 4 years ago. He is still monitored by his providers and has other health issues. I am missing out on time with my spouse staying here for my father but feel obligated. I am starting to become resentful towards my father.
I understand your wish to put being a wife first. But I’m not sure choosing this time to move over an hour away from your dad right now would be in his best interests. Have you spoken with him about your plans and wishes? I might suggest Assisted Living to him and wait until he is settled to move. But, if he is grieving the loss of his wife, he should be allowed time for this.
The Assisted Living facility where your dad is, do they have another close to where you are moving? If so ask if he would like to move as well. Or is there another that he would consider? You could bring him for a visit to your new place and do a tour of a nearby AL.
But..if he is doing well where he is and he does not want to consider a move then tell dad you are going to move. 90 minutes may seem like forever when there is an emergency but to travel once a week or so to visit it is not that far and funny as it sounds it seems the more often you drive it the shorter the distance becomes.
And anyway, wait? Wait for what? For your father to be fine? His life *will* gradually get better, God willing, but it will never be the same again. You'll wait 'til Doomsday for that.
90 minutes is not so far that you will not be able to visit him often and regularly. You also put in place a clear schedule of calls, and research beforehand what services and support groups might be helpful to him.
Should your father's health deteriorate, or should he be unable to recover from his grief (far too early for that) even with appropriate support, then you move *him* closer to you.
Write down a pros and cons list. Sometimes seeing it in black and white will help you see things more clearly and if the cons outweigh the pros, then push any guilt aside.
Best wishes for you and your family during this difficult time. Hugs!
Either move him or leave him - I moved my dad into my front yard in a new mobile home which he was able to pay with his pension. Dad was only 3 miles away from us but even that became a burden. He lived happily in my front yard for 5 years and I no longer had to worry about who was stopping at his house. He lived independently and when he had to do dialysis, I cooked for him because he was tired those 3 nights. It worked out great 👍
You sound so thoughtful and reasonable. I can tell how much you cared about your dad and your husband. They were blessed to have you in their lives. I always feel your love when you post a comment.
Just read your profile. You’re a southern lady like me. I’m not too far away. I’m in New Orleans. Hattiesburg isn’t that far of a drive.
My daughter’s friend just graduated from the university in Hattiesburg with her nursing degree. She loved their nursing program.
We are friends with a couple in Lumberton, Mississippi. That’s not too far from Hattiesburg. They have acres of land and love it! They actually moved there years ago when they got tired of city living. I haven’t seen them in years. I have been tied down with caring for mom. They are a sweet couple. I would tease them about the ‘country life’ when we would visit. They grew all sorts of produce, had all kinds of animals! Hahaha. I used to call it their Funny Farm, like the Chevy Chase movie. Love that movie!
Talk with your dad and his providers about ways to stay connected when your move. I use Skype and Facetime with my children. We use monthly phone calls with my MIL in Hawaii and her caregiver. Also talk with care providers about how they should contact you about critical changes in dad's health.
We're trying to keep a little money set aside in savings for the "last trip to Hawaii" when my MIL passes. You might want to consider something as well for last goodbyes.
We do care, deeply. It’s not as simple as you are making it out to be.
For one thing, some people are living much longer. My mom will be 94 in November. She did not care for her mom or dad because they died at a much younger age.
There are many many more variables too. My mom was a full time homemaker as was my grandma. Women today are working! I have given up my job to care for mom. It’s harder not having a second income for our own expenses. Cost of living is high today.
Women got married and had children earlier in life years ago. Today, women focus on careers to be able to support themselves, not relying on men for all of our needs, when they marry and start families it is much later, so then you are dealing with the ‘sandwich generation’ too.
I could go on and on with other examples but I am sure you get the point.
A dear friend of mine just passed away from cancer. When she got her diagnosis a year ago, she knew it was dire. She let on to very few people; instead, preferring her time with them be spent focusing on the positives of life. Her sons + families lived 11 & 16 hours away. She was adamant they, too, focus on the positives in life & move forward with theirs. The only adjustment made was quick nightly calls from them, upbeat & always ending with I love you. Her joy during this time was them sharing with her on those calls the happenings in life — from the mundane to the extraordinary.
When she was put on hospice, she still insisted they focus on their lives. She wasn’t thrilled, but was grateful, when one of them cancelled a family vacation; instead, all of them came “home” to be with her during her last week. Truly, an angel I am honored to have called my friend.
Wonder what the future of medicine will be like? Better or worse? Insurance, better or worse? I wonder if we would be shocked if we had a crystal ball to look into the future with and see what future generations will be dealing with.
Look into the past. Look how many people just died before treatments were available. Ever wonder if they were better off?
I remember reading 1984 (Orwell) in high school and thinking it was so far fetched. Zoom ahead and I lived it. I did in vitro fertilization three times! None successfully, but many attempts have been successful for others. When I read about test tube babies I never ever thought that it was in my future. Strange, huh?