My father does not like to cook. I make sure he has easy to make meals in his freezer for the times we might be going out to dinner or over to a friend's house for dinner. He lives in a father in law house that is attached to our house. 95% of the time he has dinner with my husband and I and is included when we have friends over for dinner. On the rare occasion we decided to just have my husband and myself and friends over to our house he feels I need to explain to him (give him a reason) why he is not being included. Even after I have explained it is nothing personal, we just feel that sometimes we want it to be just us. That is not good enough for him. I am afraid that I have created this monster and I need help in getting a part of my life back. I do want to be sensitive to my father's feelings but at the same time I do not feel that I need to explain myself. I felt bad telling him he was on his own for this dinner to begin with, he just made me feel worse by questioning me as to why he wasn’t being included. I am looking for ideas on how to handle this type of situation. Thank you
I'm wanting to have her stay a week at an AL facility for respite since we are considering facilities anyway. That way she can try it out and see if it's a good fit.
I'm having the same problem with not knowing how to tell her she can't come on vacation with us. I've thought about cancelling but hubby and I and family really need this.
Sounds like you too need to have the alone time with just your hubby and friends. I understand though about wanting to be sensitive. Sometimes with parents it's like we're teenagers again, having to sneak out.
Don't be at all defensive or apologetic when explaining this to him. Call the time you go out "date nights." You can explain/discuss this with him once or twice. Didn't he like to go out with just your mother sometimes? Then don't discuss it again. Just announce that you have a date night scheduled on Friday; he has that good bean soup in the freezer.
Do something similar with the times you have friends over. Perhaps call it Couples Night or Friends Time or Social Evening. Think up something that fits and use that term consistently to mean having friends over without other family there. Again, explain the need to socialize with people approximately your age, without an older audience. If he sometimes did social things without including your mother (poker, golf, hunting, etc.) remind him how nice it is to have time with friends, and that it certainly doesn't mean you like your family member any less. After a couple of explanations, just announce that you are having a Social Evening on Thursday, and suggest he might like to invite a friend over and order pizza in his place.
You could also mention what you are planning for the next meal, to remind him that he is still included. "We're having a date night Sunday morning. Don't eat too much while we are gone because I'm planning beef stroganoff for dinner."
Does he have any friends in your neighborhood or reasonably close? Encourage him to have his own social evenings (or afternoons, etc.) Perhaps you could offer to make a special snack, or simple meal for them (and not join them, of course). If he is at an age where many of his friends have died or moved out of state to be with their children or if moving to be close to you meant he left friends behind he can feel isolated. If you are his only social outlet and you are excluding him, my gosh, what is he going to do! Does he have his own social life now? Encouraging some activities that don't include you might be a good idea.
You'll likely be in his shoes someday.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
Let him know you know it’s hard but we never lose the duty to seek out our own companions. Say you’d like to work on this together; find social centers, church groups, or morning coffee meetups at cafes nearby. It’s natural, a lot of older folks just find it easier to have one ‘built in’ social group, but it isn’t enough.
Gosh, since her 60s Mom has tried to ramrod me into being her social everything, and we don’t even get along that well. She’d just like to hide from the social vulnerability of trying to connect with others. When she has a fit at my not agreeing with all her opinions or she says ‘You don’t know where I’m coming from,’ I say ‘You’re right! That’s why people seek out peers, more shared viewpoints!’ It’s a big reason why he should seek out a few nice people his own, to my mind.
Good luck! :)
I think the core issue is either a reluctance to set reasonable boundaries - Father has his own suite and doesn't (shouldn't, for your own peace of mind) need to be enmeshed in every aspect of your life - or Father's refusal to accept them, which is really all about establishing the ground rules of living together so that you (and importantly, your spouse) don't end up feeling like your home is no longer your own.
Sure, being excluded from the odd meal isn't anything to get worked up over, but seniors are often socially or physically limited by what they can do and They Know It...your father might be bundling up worries about abandonment, you not 'really' wanting him around, even missing his own friends he no longer sees.
Be firm but compassionate; your father doesn't NEED to be involved in every single meal, but you're right in wanting to be sensitive about this.
I usually just go out and eat and not make a big deal of it. She always has meals in the fridge.
It’s hard because they are lonely at this point in their life, but it’s hard to change that.
Your life and time is just as valuable and important as his. Realize he’s going to be upset but establishing boundaries helps.
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