Follow
Share

My grandmother has been in the nursing home for almost a year now; she has dementia, and today my mom called to tell me that she is receiving hospice care and that hospice told her that my grandmother is "actively dying." I am away at college but am trying to get home tomorrow to see her. What does actively dying mean? Does she have days left, weeks, hours? Additional information: my grandmother hasn't been eating well for quite a time and has lost a lot of weight over the past few years, but she has lost an alarming amount of weight in the past few months. My mom couldn't really get a straight answer from the nursing home about how much food she's been eating recently, but from what I have ascertained, she has barely eaten the past few days. When she was able to, she signed forms stating she didn't want anything like a feeding tube or being hooked up to a machine. Currently she is receiving morphine and diazepam -- I think they started the morphine today. My mom says that her breathing sounds difficult and is rattling a little, and she's mostly unresponsive; they are wetting her mouth every so often, as she lays in bed with her mouth open. My aunts and uncles that live far away are coming to see her. Although I know it will be extremely hard, I want to be there to comfort her and let her know she is loved. My grandmother is my best friend. She was always there when my mom had to work late, and she basically mothered me, and I love her so much. So I guess my question is: what should I be expecting? Are these her final few days?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
and people need to share in a time like this. The responses are not to the grandmother necessarily but a need to share...lighten up. There's a world of knowledge inside folks.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Grandma 1954--The OP might not read the new answers (hopedly the issue has been solved by then), but the responses are sometimes interesting to others. However, you are correct that there may have been updates in the subject itself, such as new treatments and perhaps even new laws. I suspect that "old" questions are archived, but hopedly someone can confirm one way or another.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

The fact that the person that posted this and then posted in another post that her Grandmother had died is a good reason that there should be a way to no longer allow people to post answers. I get very frustrated when I see a question or a response to a question and then notice that it is 2 years old. It would seem to be better to get newer posts, newer questions and newer answers. I doubt that anyone goes back and reads 2 years worth of answers. There should be a way that old questions and answers could be "Archived" the questions and answers would be there for someone to read and gain knowledge but posting a new question specific to the case might get better, more complete answers. Not to mention that information has changed and treatments evolve.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

THE OP's GRANDMOTHER HAS PASSED AWAY:

www.agingcare.com/questions/i-didnt-get-to-see-her-before-she-passed-on-435936.htm
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

As has been said several times, the lady is dead already.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Your Grandmother is dying. Don't wait go as soon as possible. Her passing may be a few hours or a few days but the dying process has already started. If she liked music play the music that she would like. When my sister was dying I played 'How Great Thou Are" by Elvis Presley. She was grasping for air & as soon as that song started playing her breathing started slowing down. The song played for 3 minutes & at the end of the song she was gone. Your Grandmother will be dehydrated. Make sure you have cool cloths to wipe her down with. The morphine helps with the pain from the dehydration. Make sure she gets that and the diazepam on a regular basis. God love you & your family.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

dkentz72: I just have to say your post was one of the most beautiful I've read on this forum. Thank you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

missionmorgan: I am so very sorry to read of your grandmother's passing. I am sorry that I posted before without reading the whole thread. Thank you for pointing that out cwillie!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

People, the woman is dead.

THE OP's GRANDMOTHER HAS PASSED AWAY:

www.agingcare.com/questions/i-didnt-get-to-see-her-before-she-passed-on-435936.htm
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I'm so sorry.... She could go within a day or last as long as a week - go now. Don't wait.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Missionmorgan
I am so sorry to read about your Grandmother.

I was raised in the Pentecostal faith. My great-grandmother was a minister and other family members too.

I only tell you this because from the time I can remember, we always helped members by sitting bedside with their family member so as to give them a time to rest.

We, as the grandchildren of the starting minister of our church, were also required out of respect to sit with the deceased during visitation; Mom and other ladies would clean their homes and cook so the families could focus on what they needed to do.

My husband and all of my in-laws are Jewish....great combination of faiths!

My husband never ever had to deal with the situation you're describing. Trust me when I tell you that they were all shocked with the things I did to help his grandmother and mother during their "active" dying phase.

I sat with Nanny and talked with her. She would come "awake" and be talking with Gramps and 1 of her 2 children who had died years ago.

She would also talk with her sister who had died very young too. My husband's family didn't understand what was happening. I told them that those who loved her most were there to help her leave us. They thought I was nuts!

We received that same call a day or 2 later and to get to the nursing home. Nanny was trying to say something, but my husband didn't understand and couldn't stay in the room.

I stayed, so did our daughter, and I talked with Nanny again. I asked her if Gramps was there and she nodded even though we were told she was pretty much in a coma.

I asked her if she was tired, she nodded again. I told her that Gramps was there to help her go through the light. That she would be met by her children, parents and all her family. That she didn't need to stay if she was ready to leave. Everything would be ok, but she would leave us knowing that we loved her and would miss her, but her family has been waiting for her and they had been missing her too after all these years.

I kissed her; our daughter did too and told Nanny how much she loved her. By the time we got to my Mother's-in-law house (less than 30 minutes) she had passed. The nursing home told us it was less than 15 minutes after we left.

My Mother-in-law did exactly the same thing a few years later. The immediate family was there, but they were talking like she wasn't even there or why they were there.

I took over the duties that I could from the nurse and asked her what the signs were that I should look for to call her.

I was appalled that these in-laws were telling me that what I was doing was something one did not do in the Jewish faith. I was the only one holding a conversation with her, keeping her mouth/lips moist and placing chap stick on her lips.

She died the next evening. I called my Mom, the hospital was about 5 minutes away, to come and sit with me until the mortuary arrived. Our daughter sat with her grandmother and held her hand. My one time sister-in-law was aghast that our daughter was holding her dead grandmother's hand and told her that she needed to stop. My daughter, in middle school at the time, told her that this is her grandma and she wasn't going to let go until she had to do so.

My Mom got to the hospital and went to my Mother-in-law and told her how sad she was that she left us and held her face in her hands. OMG!! Sister-in-law almost fainted.

Apparently, morticians are considered a necessity BUT their job is considered very low on the job list. That THEY are the only ones that are to touch the dead and that's the reason that shrouds are placed over the open casket. In my faith, you comfort from start to finish.

I couldn't get home when my Grandmother died. Mom's brother called her to tell her that grandma was waiting for her; it was Christmas, our daughter drove Mom to the home. As soon as Mom got there, our daughter kissed grandma/told her how much she loved her. Mom held her Mother and told her that everything was forgiven and that she loved her and it was time. Grandma died in her arms. She was waiting for Mom to get there to say goodbye to her children.

Long story a little short, please have your Mom talk with her and tell her that you're on your way to say goodbye. She'll wait for you and telling those who are ready to take her will wait.

Her so called unconscious reflexes are her holding on for you.

Not that any faith is better than an other, but I have seen these things happen so many times.

Mom's cousin, also a minister, had come home after suffering a heart attack; took a shower, came out from the bathroom, held his wife in a hug and told her that his parents, great-grandma were there to take him home. He died right there in his wife's arms in the hallway.

THIS is active dying. Many medical people do not believe that these things happen; it happens every day. That is most likely the reason the nurse could not explain it.

Those caregivers who do, have many stories about what they have experienced.

The author of Little Women, Louisa Mae Alcott, talks about how she actually felt her sister's spirit leave her body and that she saw her go through the window.

Bless your Grandmother on her new travel to meet family members waiting for her.

The person who you have loved the most in this world, will be at the front of the line for you.

I know mine will be my great-grandma; she's already come to visit me once and had the most beautiful blue aura. We talked, not with our mouths but with our minds. It was a very calming feeling. I still don't know what she meant telling me that everything was going to be alright. Now, I think she was talking to me about my Mom and that I will be the one to help her at the end etc.

BTW, we live in a 100 yr old house here in TX and have 2 spirits who reside with us. When I walked into the house before we bought it, I felt a warm hug and a voice telling me that I was home.

There were 2 other offers, but the sellers accepted ours, I knew they would.

Everyone on our street know about these spirits and/or have seen them. Haven't seen them, but things happen in the house for no reason.

It's going to be very heart breaking for you, but remember she's trying to tell you she's going to fine and so will you.

She'll see you when it's time for you to come to her.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

My heart goes out to you. I hope you can get there on time. Long story short from experience, you might want to try to Facetime with her in case she passes before you get there. You will be glad you did in case you don't make it there on time and hearing from you might be the closure she needs.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

THE OP's GRANDMOTHER HAS PASSED AWAY:

www.agingcare.com/questions/i-didnt-get-to-see-her-before-she-passed-on-435936.htm
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Active Dying is the final phase of life, which is usually measured in months, weeks, days or hours. Once a person has entered the actively dying phase, the focus of their care shifts from aggressively treating medical problems to providing comfort or palliative care.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Please go to your grandmother, if you want to see her and say goodbye, she may be waiting for you.....but yes, she is dying, and dying very very soon.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Actively dying does NOT mean months and years, it means exactly what it sounds like, the body is beginning to show symptoms of shutting down. This is NOT the same as qualifying for hospice.

BTW, the OP unfortunately did not make it home in time to be with her grandmother. I've already mentioned this twice today but obviously nobody reads previous posts.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Hola, I am so happy you're able to go be with her at her last final moments, as i was able to see mi very active/beautiful/wonderful NANA, just 1 to 2 weeks prior,and she had transitioned to the other side,rip in heaven suddenly but a full long healthy happy life 2 yrs., only short of 90. I am glad you're able to go and safe traveling to your loving GM." God bless us all.
hugs n blessings. adios.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Hello, Our 85 year old Mother was in a NH receiving hospice care and it took 3 weeks for her to transition. Everyone is different her Dr. told us 1 week or sooner clearly that was incorrect. Her Mother transitioned the same exact way which did take 1 week and she was 94.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I would be there NOW. When you hear rattle sound it's at end. My dad was sane situation we wet his lips etc. I had to give him morphine to help him relax and go. After a full day of it he passed next morning.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

RayLinStephens answer makes sense.

If grandma has any unfulfilled wishes, then do your best to get them done, so she doesn’t linger on.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Actively Dying means the person doesn't want to be rushed to the ER - they wish to allow their body to expire naturally.

This doesn't mean tomorrow - it can be days, weeks, months, years - - - my SIL was on Hospice, actively dying, for about 5 years.

It means not forcing them to eat and generally means no resuscitation.

It is not a time to start neglecting though. If the person is hungry, you are supposed to feed him/her. They are still supposed to be cleaned. Medicines can be optional.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Love1946--It is true that people are put in hospice when they are about to die (assuming they are not already there), but hospice is also designed to provide comfort to anyone who has a terminal condition whose life expectancy doesn't exceed 6 months; that is, one doesn't have to be "actively dying" to be eligible for hospice. Some people may end up staying in hospice considerably longer than 6 months, and some may even recover enough to leave it altogether.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I just want to say I'm very sorry for the pain you and your family are going through. Grandmas are so very special. I lost mine at 8 yrs. old, and still miss & think of her often. I am also in college, so I know the stress of school topped with family sickness. Its not easy at all. I think its wonderful to go be with her now. No matter what, she will know your there. Keeping you and family in my prayers at this difficult time. Stay strong, and keep us updated. love and hugs, kelly
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It is hard to let a loved one go, but in most cases it is more difficult to let them live when they have no hope of recovery. I am glad that my daughter and I were there when my mother and my husband passed on, but I was also relieved that it was finally over for them.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I experienced this...it's when she will no longer eat and very limited with drinking fluids. This was when Hospice came in for my mom. Just to let you know what happened with me, my mom sort of went to sleep for a couple of days, but had one more day where she woke up and we were able to talk to her and have a nice visit but was our last. After this, she was pretty much comatose and lived for 4 more days
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

There are a few on hospice at my moms facility one passed last weekend, they are not put on morphine till the end the death rattle breathing not eating are major signs. Death is part of the life cycle hospice nurses and pastors ease the passing for patient and family.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

PEOPLE!!!!

PLEASE STOP POSTING, missionmorgan's GRANDMOTHER HAS PASSED AWAY.

www.agingcare.com/questions/i-didnt-get-to-see-her-before-she-passed-on-435936.htm
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I am so sorry to hear about your Grandmother. Go see her now and hold her hand.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Yes these are your grandmother's final days or hours. It is wonderful for the family to have hospice services at this time. I hope you arrive at grandmother's bedside to thank her for all she has done for you. If not, rest assured that she knew you appreciate her.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

When my Husband stopped eating it was about 3 days until he died.
He was comfortable.
He did have Morphine.
He was sleeping most of the time but he had been sleeping most of the time prior to this so it was not unusual.
He did have the build up of mucous that causes the "rattle" sound or what some people call a "death rattle". It is difficult to hear but for the patient it is NOT painful. It is important that you do not try to give fluids or food to eat. First the body can no longer process it. And there is a great risk of choking. And do not try to remove any mucous by sticking a swab in the throat to wipe it out that may cause gagging.
Hospice will keep you informed
There are signs that they look for.
Mottling in the skin. That is discoloration.
If she develops a "Kennedy Ulcer" and that can happen VERY quickly usually the time is very short, within 24 hours.

But like everything in life each person is an individual and "Actively Dying" will happen in its own time.
If she is a private person she may not want anyone with her when she dies so she will wait until someone goes to the bathroom, gets a drink, goes to answer the phone....On the other hand she may wait until she is surrounded by everyone she loves.
Just know she will no longer be in any pain
Give her a kiss, hold her hand..
Give her permission to go
Tell her you will be alright, that her loved ones will be alright. You will miss her, that you love her but you do not want her in pain any longer.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter