He can no longer drive, because he was making poor choices, and he reflexes are slow. The other day, He wanted to go to lunch, but I had not been feeling well. He said he would go pick up some lunch. He kept asking why not? I showed him a letter from the neurologist which states that he cannot drive because he has Cognitive Decline. He then wanted to know what that was, and how did they know. I showed Jim reports from his neurologist and a second opinion, both concluding that he has decline and possibly some sort of dementia. The reports both indicated that I had given my observations to the doctors. So, now he is blaming me for telling the doctors that something is wrong with him just so I can control him. I don’t know how to deal with this. The other day he found my hidden keys. I found out when I tried to drive and realized I didn’t have them in my purse. With a smirk on his face, he gave up my keys. Thankfully, he did not try to drive.
basicalky it looks like an ordinary tin of beans in your cupboard but it’s not it’s a safe
about £8
if you had one of those bet he wouldn’t find the keys in a million light years :-) they even sell safe hair brush that you can hide things in and light bulbs -
Firstly, he is not to have access to any car keys. Period.
Once you understand that he has changed and you cannot talk / communicate with him as you used to:
- You need to learn how to communicate with a person inflicted with dementia.
- Google Teepa Snow (or others), watch You Tubes, get books "how to talk to a person with dementia" --- it clearly is a learning process.
What you can DO:
1. Redirect him when he asks you a question.
- Google how to "redirect a person with dementia"
2. Agree and say you'll look into it (= validate you are listening and giving them HOPE to get their needs met)
What you DO NOT do:
1. Use logic
2. Argue
3. Try to explain
All this does is further activate frustration and emotional upset when you want to 'keep the person as calm as possible.'
Realize he is scared of losing his mind (he [may] likely knows it) and losing his independence as he's either known it for-ever and/or believes he has (now).
No one wants to give up 'their self' - they will go KICKING AND SCREAMING ... aimed at YOU. Realize this must be the most difficult place a person can be - in their life - in their mind/head (confused, lost, scared).
Realize, too, that these family relationships, esp between a parent and adult child, have life-long histories, whatever they are.
* The relationship has changed.
* Although your re-actions could / likely still be a younger person responding to her father ... automatic responses.
CHECK yourself and take a moment before you respond to see / realize:
a. Am I talking to him as I used to ... 30 years ago? 5 years ago? 1 year ago;
b. How do I need to speak / respond to him now.
c. Show empathy and compassion while setting boundaries.
UNDERSTAND YOU ARE GRIEVING
* It may not feel like it now although this is what you are going through - losing the dad you have known.
- It seems to be one of the hardest LIFE LESSONS to realize you are grieving the loss of a parent who is, in some ways, still here - yet so very different. Give yourself the healing, time and space, and support you need to get through these times.
Always give him H O P E.
"I'll look into this ..."
"That's a really good idea... I'll think about it."
"I love you Dad."
Learn how to redirect ... change the subject.
And remember ...
Always expect the unexpected.
I should put that on a bumper sticker.
Gena / Touch Matters P.S. I did webinars with Teepa Snow for 1-1/2+ years, years ago. Learn what happens to the brain so you know who you're talking to (what parts of the brain).
It would help you a lot to learn more about how dementia affects our LOs so that you don't waste your time and energy trying to reason with someone who has lost this ability, and also probably their short-term memory. I learned a lot from Teepa Snow (see YouTube) on strategies that at his stage will help allow for more peaceful and productive interactions with him.
You should stop showing him paperwork about his dementia diagnosis as this upsets a person who is no longer able to process and come to peace with this dramatic loss in their lives. Instead use therapeutic fibs, blame it on the tests his doctor gave him. Then change the subject or distract him or walk away. If he insists on going back to the doctor tell him he has to wait for 6 months before he can be rechecked. Get creative and figure out what narrative will stop him from nagging you about it. I'm sorry, this is just how it's going to be for a while.
6 months after my DH backed into the side of a garbage truck and insisted the truck ‘sided’ into him, he still brings it up to everyone who visits. “Tell her what happened to my car” he said once again yesterday, in an accusatory tone, when an old friend of ours was visiting. He is now incapable of stringing together the words of his false story himself so is continually asking me to tell my ‘version’ so he can rebut it to others. He’s still really good at rebuttal and denial.
So now life is a series of subject changes and deflections. I assume they will get fewer and further between as my DH’s dementia progresses. It feels ugly and deceptive at first but after a while it is just sad. My hope for you (and for myself) is that time will make this conflict less necessary. I’m sorry - this behavior really hacks away at your relationship, doesn’t it?
You just don't let him drive anymore. If this means you have to keep your car keys in a safe with a combination lock, do it. You can't keep your keys in your purse anymore because he goes in your purse. Keep your purse locked up or start using a fanny-pack that you can comfortably wear all day long.
If the blaming and verbal abuse towards you increases, you should have him put into LTC. Many times the person with dementia is still physically fit, has no mobility issues, and is still strong. This can be dangerous if they are verbally abusive to their spouse or adult child they live with because that abuse usually graduates to physical abuse. You may be putting yourself at risk.
Start exploring some LTC options before your husband's dementia advances even more.
We took her to the doctor, showed the doctor pictures of the condition of the house. He asked her to repeat three simple words. She couldn't remember the words, nor draw a clock of the time he asked her.
In a few weeks, the doctor had her driver's license revolked. That's as far as we were able to get.
While staying with her for a few days, all aunt did was blame my cousin for causing this. Spreading "rumors " that she has dementia. She was blaming cousin for spotting it. We couldn't reason with her. All night and into the morning, she would be calling my cousin's name, angrily, saying she caused this mess, and she was going to get her. It didn't matter that we tried to tell her it wasn't anyone who caused this. It was sad.
I think she may have come around, since she has to depend on her heavily now. Maybe not. It all sounds so familiar and I am sorry you're going through this.
My mom blamed me. She also did not believe she has Dementia. It is common.
There may be meds that will help him be less agitated and confront you less. I would ask his neurologist about it and also keep a log (hidden) because it’s quite common for this combative attitude to escalate.
You don’t mention finances but this is another area where I urge you to start taking control and oversight. If he pays bills, manages the retirement accounts, files taxes — gives to charity— these are all things that he could also start messing up BADLY. Beware! I speak from experience. If he does and you confront him, he is very likely not to see it for the same reason — anosognosia. They literally cannot perceive, understand, or take in that anything is different or wrong. So of course it makes them mad when they are told no, they can’t do xyz.
Good luck!
forget it now
you can’t change wots been said
personally I wouldn’t have shown him any report and def not mentioned words like dementia
they battle down the hatches n go into denial
If it comes up again- you’ve already discussed it and you can’t hide health issues - and walk away
he sounds like he likes mental games
( playing taking the keys) protect your mental health-
the subject needs to be closed down - do it whatever way is comfortable to you - if he’s mentally faster at playing. Games/ then walk out of the room and get busy doing something else. He’ll soon get bored with the no reaction approach
Just keep repeating “ the doctor said you can’t drive “. Don’t mention cognitive decline or dementia . They get angry .
Hide the keys better . Park the car out of sight if possible .
It’s awful . He will never understand .
My ( late )mother , ( late ) father in law , and now my sister with dementia were the same . Even if they were aware early on of problems , as it progresses, they often reach a point that they no longer are aware , and insist there is nothing wrong and blame the people closest to them . I sympathize with you .
You cannot win. Keep the letter copy handy and keep handing it to him with a brief "I am so sorry this happened to you". When he says "YOU did it" just say "Do you think so?" Then I apologize.
Divert.
Deflect.
NEVER argue or defend.
Watch all the Teepa Snow you are able to access (still I think on youtube free).
When you cannot live with this then hubby must be placed. This won't stop. He will become more angry. And it is common to the disease, a hallmark of the disease, not unusual for the disease.
I understand, and sympathize more than I can say, with your frustration. But your husband has a condition that isn't going to change and which hasn't a cure and which will worsen. Not everything, sadly, can be fixed. I am so very sorry.