This is so out of character. He is kind and gentle but simply refuses to see the destruction this relationship is causing or even recognize this as an affair.
It should be humorous at our age, so adolescent and laughable but I am so distraught I don't want to be around him. He has memory problems and medical problems and could not be safe if he or I moved out.
I found that with my mother's dementia, most people didn't know she even had it, so it's entirely likely this woman doesn't realize it either. My mother could carry on a conversation with others just fine, and she even convinced a visitor that she'd remarried just four months after her husband of 66 years died. That visitor trotted off and told someone else of Mom's new hubby, described their sleeping accommodations in the nursing home(!), and having never even seen the new (imaginary) husband, convinced people to the extent that the wedding news was published in the local Rotary Club newsletter.
Start with a call to your friend explaining the facts, and if she doesn't immediately cease all contact, remind her of the possible legal repercussions. I feel certain she'll drop him like a hot rock.
(I hope your finances are covered with him no longer having access to them.)
Our inside joke about her stories that she told was, ‘Fact or fiction?’ 99 percent of it was fiction!
This old man's gf needs to be read the riot act, whether that's taking the high road or not, who cares? The friend horning in on her friends husband is the issue!
If this is a computer connection only and his wife knows about it, that’s not what I consider an affair.
Have you actually spoken to him about this friendship? Or have you mentioned it to your children so that they are fully aware of what is happening?
Your husband has dementia so you really can't blame him for his behavior.
Does the old "friend" have dementia? If she does then you should have a talk with her family and recommend they restrict her computer use. If she doesn't have dementia then she is to blame and is responsible for her actions.
If such is the case and I were you, I'd visit this old "friend" personally and tell her in no uncertain terms that she is never to contact your husband again in any way. No calls, no visits, no emails, no letters. Then demand she delete him from all of her social media sites too. No communication means no communication. This means everyone's friendship is now over.
If she refuses, ruin her to her family and on social media. Don't let this b*tch make a fool out of you like she is with your husband. Oh, hell no.
Perhaps this situation is stirring up other emotions that you are feeling. It’s understandable that you are concerned about your husband being alone without your help so you don’t want to leave him. I do hope that you aren’t doing all of the hands on caregiving yourself.
You say that he has “memory problems” along with other medical issues.
I understand that you don’t like this situation but his behavior isn’t unusual for someone who has dementia.
He no longer has the capability of discernment to realize that his behavior is hurtful to you. What will you do if he has to be placed in a facility and this continues?
Why don’t you speak with his doctor about this behavior? Maybe then you can realize that sadly this is a symptom of his dementia declining.
You could ask the woman to stop communicating with him if you like or simply block her.
Wishing you peace as you continue on this difficult journey.
What's the deal with the other woman/friend? Does she have cognitive impairment as well?
Now your "old friend" may be a different story. If she doesn't have dementia then shame on her and I would confront her and tell her to stop taking advantage of your husband.
I would block her from any and all communication from him.
Then please educate yourself more about the disease of dementia, as you will discover just how very common this is.
One of the ladies in my caregiver support group often shares the story of when her husband was in memory care and she would go visit him he would be sitting with another woman holding her hand. His wife would just go sit on the opposite side of him and hold his other hand.
She said that it actually brought her comfort knowing that he had found someone there at the facility that brought him some joy.
You can't hold this against someone with a broken brain, but you can however hold it against someone whose brain is not broken.
Wishing you the very best as you travel this very difficult road with your husband.
I can see that it’s upsetting, but I don’t really go along with the suggestions for legal threats and general nastiness (unless you genuinely think it’s scam related). Unfortunately old men who go into nursing homes are not unknown to have ‘love affairs’, with holding hands in the common areas etc. That occurs even when their actual wives and family visit them.
If you can treat it as a bad joke, you could be doing everyone a kindness. Let’s hope it fades as quickly as it blossomed. Alternatively, let’s hope that the phone/ computer develops a mysterious defect.
Have courage. Old age is a bugger.
There is one lady in particular who always wants to hold my fathers hand. He lets her and my mother gets so upset. I guess I would also.
She is not at their table so it’s not a frequent occurrence and I don’t want to make a huge deal over it with the staff.my mother puts her in her place, that’s for sure.
So sad that this is yet another indignity that needs to be endured.
This likely will worsen.
It's time for an assessment, and consideration of where you should be living independently at this time.
I do not think, your husband being no matter the man he was at this point, that it is very realistic to worry about his online behavior. And he may not be able to work a disabled computer, or fix it.
I agree with Fawnby, MeDolly, and Lealonnie in all they say to you.
You do not have to stay there, you can leave, or you can place him in a facility, which is probably where he needs to be anyway.
Send her a text, tell her to back off, as he is mentally impaired, if she doesn't, have your attorney send her a registered letter.
Time to play hardball.
So this is an online affair? What makes you call it that? This is an old friend with whom he's corresponding, right? Maybe write to cheer each other up and pass jokes back and forth?
Unless they're cooing sweet nothings via email and sending pix of their private parts to each other, nothing amiss is happening. Lots of people are online friends, but that doesn't mean it's an affair.
As we get older, our circle of friends diminishes and we have a longing to keep the ones who are still available. Cut him some slack and be grateful that he's not following you around all day repeating the same sentences about having rats in the attic and looking upset. His online contact is a hobby. They're not going to sneak out and meet in the back seat of his old Chevy.
If you are distraught about this, I can't imagine how you're going to handle the later stages of his "memory problems." It might be a good idea to find a counselor to whom you can express your concern.
Good luck.
I'd either disable his computer or set up parental controls on it to prevent him from talking to this other woman. I'd also call the skank on the phone and tell her to immediately discontinue this nonsense with my husband or she'll be contacted by my ATTORNEY. That he suffers from dementia and you'll file a document with the court for HER to take over his care and management from now on, including his incontinence briefs and daily suppository management for constipation which often results in blow-outs she'll need to clean up.
He'll never hear from her AGAIN, guaranteed. 😁