My husband is a type 2 diabetic and is not taking care of himself. His choices aren't just hurting him.

I had a friend whose husband had a very bad heart. He had two heart attacks before he was 60. She would be at him all the time about smoking, what he ate, etc. She was about 8 yrs younger. She got tired of stressing out over it (she worked fulltime) and told him she was tired and if he wanted to kill himself that was his choice.

I think that is where you have to get to. You may want to tell him there will come a time when you will not be able to care for him. Since you can't afford an AL and really don't want to live in one, it will be Medicaid and a nursing home. Tell him you have looked into it, and as a Community Spouse, you will not be made impoverished.

Just a quick explanation concerning Community Spouse. Your finances will be looked at. With GFs parents, they had 60k in the bank, SS and pensions. Not sure how the SS and pensions were split, but the 60k was split in half. Her father needed NH care so his 30k had to be spent down and then Medicaid took over. Each state is different as is each situation but that info is basic. If u have a home, you will be able to stay and have one car.

You know...you can't change stubborn.

I don't believe there is anything you can do for him or anyone else who won't listen to #1 -their health care provider or #2 - a spouse or other l.o. about a very serious illness such as diabetes. Does he know about the future problems of uncontrolled diabetes like debilitating foot pain and possible amputation; kidney and heart disease? These may very well lead to his being housed in a long-term care facility / Nursing Home as AL may not offer enough care. Please see Care Topics/ Diabetes/ Articles on this site.

My late neighbour Al, did not take care of his diabetes. He had weeping ulcers on his legs, was grossly overweight and ate crap. His wife had enough and moved in with the adult kids in a town 2 hours away. Al knew he would die of complications of his diabetes and after his wife left, he took even less care of himself. I would go visit him and he would have all sorts of sugary treats and regular pop at his desk.

You are not obligated to stand by and watch your husband commit slow suicide. You can leave, split the family assets and live the rest of your life without worrying about him. He does not care, so why should you?

He is an adult and you are not responsible for making his decisions, he is choosing to ignore medical advice, that is not your problem.

My grandson's grandfather on his Mum's side is another man who chooses not to manage his diabetes. He will lose his feet and likely his legs from the knee down sooner than later. He also smokes constantly and I doubt he will see our grandson's 5th birthday.

You do not need a handicap accessible van, you need a car large enough to pack your bags and get out of Dodge.

If you DID run away... your at wit's end joke... Where would you go? What's YOUR life plan?

To me, it sounds like you don't really WANT to leave your DH, just unhappy with his choices. As others have said, I don't think you can really stop him. I do wonder at the long term effects of hyper/hypo damage, the brain is permanently changed. The apathy you describe is like stroke or vascular dementia. Have these ever been mentioned?

If he does get to the point of amputations... It may be possible to manage at home with a lifting machine & wheelchair IF you are fit enough, get extra help in for bathing etc AND you are committed to this level.

A friend's diabetic Dad did as he wanted, not as advised. Became double amputee. Went hospital-rehab-NH from there - as wife had already decided that was her line in the sand.

This IS a sort of default plan.

And it's OK to not do it ALL for him. A NH close by, you can visit frequently while starting some new hobbies & interests of your own.

Note I mentioned NH, not an expensive AL that leaves you nothing to live on.

You may benefit from elder care legal & financial advice to work through the options, to be more prepared.

Is his bad habit just about eating? If so, can you have no inappropriate food in the house, or else in a locked cupboard? ‘Stay at home’ could actually help by restricting shopping. It may not be what you want, but healthy sugar-free food won't hurt you either, and it will take the situation right up to him.

My mother has always struggled with her diagnosis of Type 2 diabetes.
Three years passed before she went to any diabetes education. She always said it was ok to cheat on her diet, not take her blood sugar, skip her meds etc. I could go on and on...it was a nightmare. Twenty years later she has caused a lot of damage to herself and lives in assisted living. You won't like this but you will probably be in assisted living with your DH if you don't do something. Talk to his doctor, don't buy unhealthy food, attend diabetes education classes to learn about the disease. Contact the American Diabetes Association. Get help for yourself because you can't make it your problem. Then you can make a plan for what you want to stay or leave. He likes you doing all the work for him-time for big boy pants. Gotta grow up sometime.

So much is up in the air these days with this awful virus. I would question whether your rental is very affordable depending on where you live. Could you look into an Independent Living facility for you both? I realize they can be costly but there can be ranges of costs and how might that compare with your present rental,utilities costs etc. Generally you might be likely to get some help for him when needed as many of those facilities are adjacent to ones where more care is needed. Costs can vary just as rental costs vary according to parts of the country. I feel housing in general will have to become more reasonable with the economy that is rapidly changing. I can see a difference in the area we left last year. On one hand you are fortunate to not have to sell in a possible declining market. It is selfish of your husband to put his health in such jeopardy and cause you many issues with this behavior. I would hope that there might be someone who could level with him. I can't imagine continuing to live a life that could result in amputations. You are in essence living with an addict and there are resources to help those in that position.

Have you considered getting a divorce to save yourself? Instead of spending the rest of your life catering to him, you could be off on your own and taking care of your own needs. It might actually benefit him; he might be compelled to care for himself, and figure out all these things on his own.

Talk to his doctor about bariatric surgery. It might extend both your lives.

I'm not kidding when I say that you might consider getting a consult with an attorney. Try to find one that does Estate, Elder Law AND family law, so you can know your rights and responsibilities as a wife and caregiver. The fiances would be of particular concern. For me, having the information makes me feel more in control. Then, I can make my decisions.

Properly managing Type II diabetes is a huge job. A lot of people don't take it seriously. Many ignore it and eventually, it catches up with you. I'm a Type I diabetic, which is different from II, but, I have no choice, because, if I don't devote ample attention around the clock, I will die within hours. I have a pump.

One thing that I would consider is if your husband is REALLY able to manage his diabetes. Does he have cognitive decline? My cousin, FORGOT that she had Type II and went about with her life. Sad things followed her though. She forgot she had hypertension too. This can cause small strokes, that in turn causes the dementia. So, there is more that can happen than organ failure, amputation and blindness. It's very real and scary. But, if he is able and wants to work on it, there are ample online programs, webinars, websites that help one manage diabetes. Often it involves medication. Does he take medication?

Seems your husband is passive aggressive with you about his health. If you are the "responsible one," please try to create a balanced meal plan that you can both follow. I know you can eat more refined carbohydrates and sugar, but he can't. It is hard to resist when you see loved ones indulging in goodies you can't have. (I face this with popcorn and most sugary treats since I have a allergy to corn and all its derivatives.) As a side benefit, your health will be better on his ADA diet.

Also see if you can get him to do exercise-type activities with you: walking in the neighborhood, bike rides, dancing (which my hubby loves to do with me) are all within the range of most folks.

Hopefully, he only needs you to remind him to take his medication. If he is not compliant with medication and lifestyle, he is at risk of all kinds of cardiovascular problems, difficulty fighting infections, and shortening his life. Be prepared for those eventualities if things do not change.

I just lost my husband. He was the same way. In the end he had so many underlying conditions from his unchecked diabetes that there was no telling what actually killed him. I tried not buying junk food and he would just order it via InstaCart. Your husband knows perfectly well the consequences of his actions he just refuses to acknowledge it or else he's so deep in denial that he'll never emerge. He also knows that it affects you. However, he's fine with it. Maybe he's kidding himself by thinking you enjoy taking care of him. Maybe he's thinking that it gives you purpose in life. It's a hurtful thing to face but you do need to face it and plan for yourself while taking care of him, because he probably hasn't made any provision for you after his death.
My husband went through toe amputations, diabetic ulcers and neuropathy. He had heart attacks, bypass surgery and was into kidney and liver failure and had become a 24/7 job yet I still had to work full time. After a series of falls he was released from the hospital to a NH with a physical therapy program. The next day, the facility went on lock down. Long, sad, story short, I never got to see him again in person. We would video call, but the last hug I gave him was when he was admitted. He lasted 32 days in the NH before everything caught up with him and I got the call that he'd passed unexpectedly.
So I know where you're at. You don't say how old your husband is, or if his diabetes has started to kill his organs but if he is Medicare age I suggest you look into Medicare advantage plans during the next enrollment period. It is complicated, and confusing but well worth your effort. Medicare has a good comparison app on their site that is priceless. The thing with Advantage plans is that they are strong in different areas. There were years of me picking a different plan each year to get the one that paid for whatever crisis he was having at the time. One year it was one that had a good drug plan because he was on so many meds, but stable. The next year, his feet had started to have ulcers so I found one that had a low co-pay for his podiatrist. This year it was obvious, to everyone but him, that he was going to soon be having hospital visits so I went all out and I found a good one that paid for all his hospital stays and 100 days in a NH. Yes, it cost an extra $300 a month. But that was less than one day's deductible in the hospital for some of the cheaper plans and was just barely doable with a tight budget.
I strongly suggest that you research and contact an attorney who specializes in Medicaid filings. They will be able to advise you of the intricacies of your state's Medicaid system and what you can do to minimize your losses. Many offer a free consultation. In my case, if my income had been low enough then I would have gotten his social security even while he was in a NH. Half my retirement account (that I had pre-marriage) had to be spent down, but it could be spent down to pay on the house, or even a dependable car that isn't extravagant (mine is quite old.) It could even have been spent to buy an immediate annuity. They don't count money that is producing income. They couldn't touch my 401K either since it isn't available to me unless I quit my job. Of course, YOUR state may be different, but you won't know until you speak to an attorney. Medicaid is extremely difficult to navigate by yourself.
My husband passed before I had progressed too far in the application, but I got an education nevertheless.
One other thing, get a burial policy for him. My husband didn't qualify for life insurance but anyone can get a burial policy. I was able to get a $10,000 policy for $66.00 a month. Lesser amounts are cheaper. That's pricey for the coverage and he had to live for two years after I started paying, but he lived for two and a half years. That money has come in very handy because after losing him, I lost my job too. Start planning NOW.

Have you tried having a joint meeting with his doctor? Or perhaps counseling? Have you attempted to remove yourself as his decision maker? It will be d8fficult to do but it might be enough to shake him into awareness. I have to ask: has he ever had a concussion, or hit his head? Is his IQ in the normal range? Perhaps a neuropsycholigical evaluation is in order. This evaluation will provide a lot of information about his insight,judgment, and cognition. Good luck.

My uncle was the exact same way; diabetic, obese, immobile, and refused to move off of his recliner. He did everything there in that recliner, while my aunt enabled him to do everything in that recliner. Including poop his pants and she'd clean it all up. Day in and day out, that's how they lived. She allowed it. I'm not sure why, except that he was a very mean individual; hateful with words, abusive even, verbally, because he was unable to really move........but boy howdy, he could sure have a loud hissy fit from that chair of his. Maybe she was afraid of him, I don't know.......but she stayed with him for 30 years. He was eventually diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver (not alcohol related) and hospitalized; he passed away after being there for about 3 weeks. My aunt sold the condo and moved away, closer to her children, and now has a nice life. She wonders why she didn't leave him sooner and why she wasted the good years of her life the way she did.

Selfish choices never hurt just the person making them. There are ugly consequences to many, unfortunately.

Your husband expects you to make his decisions for him and to do everything because that's what you do. It's what you've done, and so it's what he now expects. If you want to change that, then change it. Give him a list of responsibilities you will no longer be in charge of, and let HIM handle them. Be prepared to have everything all screwed up, however...........so then you'll throw your hands up in frustration and say Forget It! I'll Do It Myself! And he wins again. Back to square one. Put your foot down and KEEP it down, that's my suggestion. Stop doing so much for him.......he can do for himself, he just chooses not to.

As far as taking care of himself goes, you can't care more about him than he does. He has to WANT to practice healthy behaviors or else he won't. He will bring both of you down, like my uncle did, and that's the sad truth.

If you can afford to place your husband in Assisted Living, why not do it? The trouble with moving in with him is the size of the space. It's very small for 2 people, generally, and the costs are much higher for two than one. I had to move my parents into Assisted Living in 2014 after dad fell and broke a hip. My mother wasn't really too badly in need of assistance herself at the time, but after 68 years of marriage, my dad felt like he couldn't live without her. So she begrudgingly moved in with him and wound up liking it there; she went downhill pretty fast and needed a LOT of help in short order, so being in an AL turned out to be a good thing.

I don't blame you for wanting to run away.......but why do you have to dye your hair? :)

All joking aside, maybe you can go stay with one of your children or a relative for a couple of weeks and leave DH to his own devices for a while. When you get home, he may have changed his tune after seeing what it feels like to be alone and on his own. Just a thought.

Wishing you the BEST of luck in a difficult situation, my friend. Sending you a big hug and a prayer for peace.

It is IMPERATIVE that you discuss this with his physician STAT or as soon as is deemed the protocol for the Novel Coronavirus. He is not only hurting his person, but also you, if he does this and you're stuck being his caregiver. That sounds harsh, but it will be the truth, especially if he chooses not to take care of himself.

My daughter's late FIL was this man and died young - 66 years of age.

Sounds as if you control the finances? Start your own special bank account; word to the wise. Look at all the money he wastes on food and you are not being paid to be his nursemaid and life coach. If you wanted to, you could start a part time job and put that money in your own account as well. It’s your rainy day/ divorce/ dear John account. I did it for about three years before I asked for a divorce: No Regrets!, Unless he is sharp and you have lots of assets to split up, he will never find out about your rainy day account. I’ve been divorced for five years now...no regrets.

You can’t control his food. Perhaps you at least consider letting him eat exactly what he wants, so that he gets his miserable life over quickly.

Has he ever gone for a nutrition consultation with a registered hospital dietician. I have type II diabetes and go every six weeks. I find it very helpful.

"...I am about ready to dye my hair and run away." That's what you should do. But before you do it, see an attorney about legal separation. Legal separation will allow you to maintain your marital status for religious reasons, continue to be qualified for his social security benefits when he dies, and protect your own financial interests as assets and debts acquired during a legally recognized separation are usually considered separate property.

Have you talked to your religious/spiritual counselor? What does he or she have to say about the way your husband treats you?

I've read everything you've written and it seems to me that you do not want to live the rest of your life the way things are now. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life opening his mail and pleading with him about what he stuffs in his mouth?

You do not have a marriage. I'm sorry to be so blunt. Grownups are not married to 5 year olds. By catering to him for as many years as you have, you have enabled him to be the way he is. And because he will not change, you are the one who has to change. You only have control over you; you seem to recognize that.

Living separate lives seems to be your only option to stop yourself from getting hurt by his choices. There are plenty of affordable living arrangements you can find for yourself. Many older women have big houses and empty nests and want roommates. It's like real life Golden Girls, and has worked out well for many women who do not own their own homes.

Legal separation could also enable you to live the life you want to live - it's never too late!

Oh the 'Golden Girls' - I loved them!

I think I could do that, as long as everyone had their own space & respected that. Interesting idea.