He had a mini stroke in February due to uncontrolled diabetes and heavy smoking. He was barely able to walk, but has worked hard to get that back. Now that he is walking and gained functionality back he’s reverting to his old habits. Doesn’t wear CGM and is up to a pack of cigarettes a day, easily. There’s nothing I can say to change his behavior. He just gets furious. The idea of what the next stroke could bring has me so stressed and I feel so un-cared for. My strategy has been ignoring him and that is just causing both of us stress. How can I deal with this? Is there a way to think about this that isn’t personal ? Am I being selfish?
Your profile says that you are caring for your father in law and grandmother as well? How are you managing all this?
With regards to your husband, do you think he's experienced some cognitive decline due to his stroke?
Does he acknowledge that his habits may lead to a further decline in his health, and that this is making you scared for the future?
My husband is kind of a "magical thinker" when it comes to his health. He doesn't accept that his very sedentary life style will inevitably lead to a decline in his overall health.
Have you considered seeing a therapist, like a licensed social worker, to help you manage your anger and disappointment in your husband?
So do something about it. Bring in help.
As for your husband. He's a grown man and he's going to do whatever he wants.
I quit smoking a few years ago when I got Covid. I had been a smoker since I was a kid. I had two husbands nagging me about quitting. I broke my boy's heart every time he saw me smoke because he knew it was dangerous. My nasty bully of a mother never shut up about it. My entire life.
None of it got me to quit though and none of it will get your man to either. I was so sick for so long with Covid that I didn't even really have any withdrawl symptoms. So when I recovered I figured I'd try to keep it going and I have for almost three years now. It's a struggle though.
How you can deal with it is get separated or divorced. That's an option if living with him is too stressful. I understand where you're coming from because my first husband was an alcoholic. He was a wonderful man and I loved him very much, but I left. I couldn't live with him drinking himsef to death which is what he did.
Ignoring the problem won't help either. Tell your husband straight that his smoking and uncontrolled diabetes will result in something catastrophic happening then his life will not be in his control anymore. If he doesn't die from the next stroke, he will be living out his days in a nursing home. His life will be beyond your control too.
You have to make him understand this. If he refuses to then your best bet would be to leave.
Diabetes is different. Does he know enough about where it will all lead if he ignores it (dialysis) and other health problems? Has he considered a support group?
I agree with BarbBrooklyn that couples therapy would be the first strategy as a shot over his bow if he doesn't start making some changes.
I also agree with BurntCaregiver that you need help with the other care receivers in your life. IMO to help your marriage you may need to consider finding alternate care for them, not from you. Burnout will not help your relationship.
In the end, your hubs is an adult who's had his whole life to plan for his senior years. You will need to decide what you're willing to tolerate and what's the dealbreaker. If he knows what this is for you, and still does nothing to improve, then he's making the decision to throw it all away and maybe be alone. Don't make threats you aren't willing to act upon. I wish you much wisdom and clarity as you work to save your marriage.
I had a woman I worked with that her husband had a bad heart. She was on him all the time about his diet and smoking. Finally she told him she was not going to say anything anymore. If he did not care, why should she. She would miss him when he was gone.
This is what is going to happen with your husband. I had two friends who were diabetic, one juvenile and one type two. My GF had a heart attack in her early 50s. By 60 she had half her leg removed because of circulation problems causing gangrene. By 63 her kidneys gave out and she passed. She took care of herself. My other friend was a man who really didn't care for himself. He was very overweight. He ended up having half a leg removed and had to go on dialysis. He chose to quit dialysis and died at 70. Neither smoked.
Smoking puts strain on the heart because the veins constrict. This is what my Dad was told after receiving a heart valve and 3 bypasses. At 65 after 53 yrs of smoking he went cold turkey. He lived until he was 79. I would tell husband what he has to look forward to. I would then say, I will not be caring for you when u become wheelchair bound (both friends were in wheelchairs) and cannot do for yourself. You will need to go into a NH. You really are not being fair to me. Never bring it up again.
But I think you mean "he'll".
Is he frustrated? Scared? Angry? A combination of these? Does he get support or advice from his medical team - beyond "stop smoking!" "watch your sugar numbers!" and "here's some medication"? What sort of medical team does he have? Does he see an endocrinologist about his diabetes? A nutritionist? Does he even have a clear understanding about what foods might cause his sugar to rise, and what he can eat safely to keep his numbers in check? Had he been working hard at making changes and then STILL suffered a mini stroke, leading to a "why bother?" mentality?
Either quitting smoking or changing lifelong eating habits are two very difficult things to undertake successfully, and your DH needs to do both at the same time. That's tough. Even with tons of support, he will need ironclad willpower. Do you think, realistically, he has that in him?
I'm not trying to be negative or nasty. You asked how YOU can deal with this. I'm sorry to say that if your DH has made up his mind to ignore his health issues, then the only thing you can do is set your limits and stick by them. It would not be unreasonable for you to tell him that if/when he becomes "too much" (and you have to decide what that line in the sand is) you will cease to be his hands-on caregiver. And whether that means placement in a facility or home-based care by outside caregivers is a decision you will have to make, based on your own resources and tolerances.
But I suggest, before you go the ultimatum route - which doesn't usually help relationships - you have a calm, rational talk with him. If he has just decided "f*** it, I'm tired of trying so hard and just want to enjoy whatever time I have left", you should point out that those questionable medical decisions won't only affect him, but you as well. That's a fair and reasonable statement. But if he is struggling with all of the changes, that's something you can help him tackle, one step at a time. One small change after another, and then hopefully his health isn't so far gone that he can't make many small improvements that will hopefully lead to better health overall.
You are not being selfish. Not knowing his reasoning behind his lack of self-care, I can't even lay selfishness at his door at this point. But an understanding of WHY he's behaving the way he is might help you to at least not take his behavior personally.
Good luck to both of you.
Is it you FIL or father that you live with and help care for? Are both your father/FIL and husband diabetics? How long has your husband known he was diabetic? How far away is your grandmother (yours not your husbands rite?) and what are her needs? Do you have any family help?
I am speaking here of another addiction entirely--alcoholism. But destructive habitual behaviors are all more similar than we know.
I am certain that you told your husband that you feel uncared for. But the sad truth is that this is about HIM, not about you. And about his inability to stop self-destructing. He doesn't want help. He cannot change until he does.
I can't think of another way to approach this but for you to help for yourself from a psychologist or a LSW in private practice. It is going to be crucial ongoing that you don't waste energy trying to change the things that cannot be changed (as the serenity prayer says). Addiction is a tragedy that visits its pain not only on the victim but on entire families, and my heart goes out to you.
It's also a good idea to have information from the long-term care homes in your area so that he can have a say-so in his next-to-final destination. So get that going as well.
When the time comes that he can no longer reach the bathroom in time and you are unable to get him there, it will make it so much easier for you to already have a plan.
I'm being practical and pragmatic. Oh, and maybe get some info for women-only tours that you might enjoy. There's no reason why, once you get him settled in his new place, you can't kick up your heels and have a good time doing the things that you both hoped to do in retirement. Leave this information where he can plainly see it. He may understand what he'll be missing. If not, fine. Your life isn't over just because he's ruined his.
1. Why do you want to speed up the decline of your health?
2. I’m trying to do everything I can to assist you but, I need your help. Can you help me?
1. When you have a stroke again where do you want to be put when there is NO COMING HOME?
2. What do you want me to do with your stuff when you are placed somewhere?
3. Ask him what he wants for his funeral maybe even set it up so that when it happens you can be prepared.
Then put it to him this way I will help you with your diabetes and to stop smoking if you need someone to help and understand you. I will take this journey with you so that we both can be healthy.
I have done this personally with my husband who is a diabetic we have changed our eating habits and the amount of sweets that are in our house. I also tell him if he doesn't watch what he is eating the next medication will be insulin and he doesn't want that. I don't nag him I just calmly remind him that its still up to him.
You have to look after yourself don't let it stress you out because that is a killer too. Anything he does like money, banking and you don't get involved because there will be a time where you may have to take over.
I would also get my will, POA's anything financial and medical all in order since the next stroke could have him in a nursing home or dead.
Prayers that he will listen to you and even listen to us if you read some of the answers to him.
This is a pretty busy household. And you mention you are caring for your grandmother. That is a lot, I hope your husband is very involved with the care of his father. (You do not mention what care he or your dad need though)
You need to accept the fact that YOU can not control what your husband does. But what you should do is sit down and talk to him about the "what if's"
What are the plans for HIM if he does have a stroke and needs care. You can not be expected to care for your dad, your FIL AND him. So you tell him that he will have to be placed in either Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing. AND his dad will have to either go to Skilled Nursing or Assisted Living as well because you can not be expected to care for FIL.
Next you will have to figure out where you will live. Not sure of the dynamics but would you be able to remain in FIL's house if he is placed in AL or SNF?
To sort this all out a trip to an Elder Care Attorney might be your best bet.
Next get him to complete a POLST or "advanced directives" whatever that may be called in your State. (POLST is more detailed than a DNR)
I think talking this all out might be more of an impact than trying to get him to take care of himself.
You are right he will not change unless he wants to make changes,. Maybe a discussion like this might get him thinking.
However, yours is YOUR life to do with as you choose, so what are you going to do with yours?
Pack a couple of suit cases and leave them by your door, so that you always feel free to leave misery behind.
The addiction will trump everyone.
The following may be hard to accept, but I've seen it happen more than once in my family:
Your anger will kill you. So stop stressing today over your husband's refusal to take care of himself and start taking care of yourself before he outlives you, stops his addiction and dances off into his future without you.
Peace.
He would eat junk behind my back. He had a congenital heart condition. I took him to many, many cardiology appointments because he wouldn't go on his own. The doctors would warn him too.
He died of a heart attack. Am sure it was brought on by his terrible eating habits.
I did the best I could. I accept that.
You matter too, and your husband doesn't seem to bother with that fact. He's choosing his path, despite or because of depression or other factors, which is overcomplicating your path.
Ask him and demand an answer from him about what is HIS responsibility to:
- YOU
- YOUR HEALTH, and does your health matter to him?
- His household
- His father
Then ask: Dear husband, what are YOU going to do to fulfill your responsibilities?
The focus on that high pedestal seems to be on what's best for him, but you deserve to be on that high pedestal right along with him. You matter, LorBlyn. You matter very much.
Try hanging in there ❤️