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A fter 5 years of me doing 24 hour care went to his VA Doctor and ask for help big mistake. So it took 6 months but got a company through them and within 4 months my husband has kicked me out took away my car and gave it to is hired caregiver has given her money every month and paid her rent this month my husband is a Veteran and we live on a fixed income this woman is totally doing the sweetheart scam and I can't do a thing about it I've reported it to her company the VA and because I'm just his wife I have no say who cares for him what.can I do please help

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Your husband is elderly (I'm assuming this because he has a VA Dr.) and is on a fixed income? And he has MS? There's no other money or trusts or anything like that laying around? I ask because I wonder why a caregiver would have an affair with a man with these health issues unless he had money. How can he afford to pay her rent and give her money while on a fixed income?

So the caregiver is doing the 24/7 care now?

I don't know what you can do. The VA and the healthcare company aren't going to get in the middle of this. Do you have a place to live? How long have you been married? Your husband just kicked you out and moved the caregiver in? I think there must be more to this story.
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Yes we were having problems I was burned out and he is a very demanding person we have been together for 32 years married for 21. I was tired of cleaning cooking the whole nine yards because I was getting no help so it was real bad with us when she entered the since and he just wanted someone to pay attention to him because I was so burned out I just couldn't do it and his family was no help so Yea he fell for her because it was someone who only focus was him
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I think you need a lawyer to protect your financial interests. You need to get your car back, for one thing.

I am very sorry about the emotional upheaval this all entails, and the total lack of gratitude for your own caregiving. Seeing a lawyer won't address all that, but it is also important to not be victimized here.

Is your husband in his "right mind" at this time? Or has he started having dementia related to his MS?
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Some what in his right mind. He's got everyone believing it and Yea I've got to get a lawyer bit I got.to go out of course try for that one don't trust any of them in this town
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Can you fill in your background please it helps people here to know a little more about you.
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I would like to add, the Care Giver Company can fire her. A reputable company would never put up with anything like this! And as other's have said, if you want out you can get out. It's sad to say most women are more likely to put up with crap from their good for nothing husbands! My prayers are with you, and I hope you will follow some good advice and get a lawyer, has to be somebody you can trust.
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Hey wilywom, move out possibly? You don't need that kind of abuse? If you know her name and the company she works for ... you can vent in my opinion if you are comfortable with it. Theyneed to know. She is possibly committing fraud?
It sounds like you have gone over and beyond taking care of your annoying ex military bratty spouse. Who needs an attitude adjustment. :-/ in my opinion?
What a jerk in my opinion.
Move out and make up for your lost lifestyle?
Good luck....
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First off.. Because your husband is a veteran, this is why he has VA doctor. The very fact that he has had such a drastic change in behavior, could mean he is having issues making rational decisions where this "woman caregiver" is concern. I would go back to the VA doctor and explain the situation to him. Make sure you are doing this out of concern for your husband , not out of vengeance. The woman caregiver was through and agency, or just someone who placed an ad? If through an agency, she can lose her job, for getting involved with a client in such a way. Reputable companies will not want such a scandal where their company is concern! As his wife, you do have rights where your husband is concern. Not sure what state your in, but where I live, a wife is allotted half of her husbands income and assets in divorce and can also seek alimony on top of the half allowance of all their assets together. He can't just throw you out and move this woman in. I suggest you get a attorney, and go after your husband and this woman's COMPANY. I agree it sounds as if their is much more to this story. I sincerely hope you take the advice of getting an attorney.
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If you are legally married to this man, you have rights. See a lawyer immediately, you may be able to get some free legal aid. You need to file for separation- a portion of his income will be yours automatically, especially after all those years. As to the caregiver, if she is working for a company, they have to be licensed, they have regulations to obey and they are responsible for their employees. Report them to the state body that oversees in home care. If they are legitimate then they cannot afford being accused of fraud. You do have options.
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See if you can get power of attorney over his finances...see a lawyer about it...pronto.
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Wileywom, good luck, u do know you deserve better than this right? :)
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If you are legally married he can't kick you out, or take your car. There has to be more to this story. Without more information people can't help. But the best advice you've gotten is see an attorney. And don't leave your home. You have every right to be there, she does not.
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I'm having a little trouble following because there is no punctuation, but it seems like there are 2 separate issues going on. If you have been together that many years, I have friends that are only in their 40s or 50s because they were HS sweethearts, and you don't sound that old. If sounds like, with mentioning being 'burned out' that there were marital problems, and it sounds like your husband is not completely out of it [as some of our 80 year old fathers are that marry chicks they meet on their deathbeds. I know a few of those; one married my husband's best friends dad in his 80s, another the woman was a caretaker to an old man and he got diamonds and moved her stripper daughters in, but these men were totally senile]. You need a lawyer, and you need to have her fired from her agency. if SHE is the one entirely to blame [and I think there are 2 other parties], had I been an innocent victim in all of this, I would have called my attorney first and her agency second. I don't see how YOU got kicked out as a wife; YOU have rights, and many states are joint property, so why did YOU let them have all this power? Or was the marriage over and he thought the grass looked greener with this gal. There seems to be a lot missing, but I would NEVER give up my rights with someone I built a life with, not without getting help for a fair settlement and treatment to me, as his wife, not his concubine. This isn't the Middle Ages, King Henry VIII can't put one wife in prison and the next in a castle anymore...
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wileywom, one question, who is doing the Caregiving when the Caregiver isn't there? I doubt she is there 24 hours a day, or is she? Eventually she will get burned out and move on to another patient.

In the meantime, let the VA know what is going on... yes, you do have a say. The Caregiver is there to help *you* and your husband, not to be there to have you kicked out of the house and your car given to that person. By the way, who is on the registration, if it is only your name, your husband cannot give that car away without your permission. If your name and your husband's, then half the car is yours.
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Contact an Elder Care Attorney.
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My mother lives with me, 6 1/2 years now
She has had many caregivers with the company
Help at Home. The workers are not allowed
To accept money or gifts, you should contact
The company BBB and report the company.
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1. Engage lawyer and start divirce proceedings based on infidelity/unreasonable behaviour

2. See if you can freeze his assests so he doesn't gift it all away to this woman.

Need to draw a line in the sand here.
Sadly it sounds like the marriage has been dead for a while but you hung on in there doing the right thing for your husband.

Does piss me off when a new 'young' thing ricks up without the encumerance of the barnacles acquired over time in a tough caregiver role (where you work 24/7, and can't close the door on it!)
Plus some people behave better for strangers than for their immediate family, so this woman hasn't seen the real side of your husband yet.

Take this as a gift and chance for your own happiness my love. But absolutely refuse to give anything back that was yours (ie your car!)

And name the carer association on here so folk know they allow their carers to behave in this way. They absolutely have a responsibility in this.
They are running a carer service not a dati g agency. Should vet their carers better.

Good luck! And find the silver lining... I think it is shining very brightly here!! FREEDOM!!!
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I have worked for a well known agency, and I can tell you as long as the money comes in, that is all they care about, as I have seen things that will blow your mind, and have come to realize they are a business and they operate like one. It takes a very long time to get power of attorney without a signature so I would go another route to begin, You are a victim and need to play the part, see a lawyer regarding funds that you are entitled to being married, including the home is as well yours, keep a good eye on the caregiver to be able to find those things that you can go to the agency with and threaten to sue them with, What boggles me is that a caregiver through an agency is never suppose to exchange money with the client, curious as to if this is a private caregiver found through one or an employee.
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You're asking for advice after the cow's well out of the barn. You should never have left your home. He can't "kick you out". You had tenant's rights at the very least. It would have taken him six months and legal action to remove you.

Now? You're going to look pretty unsympathetic, frankly. Husband has MS. You don't. Just sayin' . . .

What would I do? I'd file for divorce.
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I would confront the "girl" and make it clear that you are aware of what is going on and make her very aware that it will stop or you will take all necessary steps.
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As long as he wants here there, there 's nothing she can do. Going to the care taker and making hollow threats isn't going to accomplish anything. Even if she reports her to her employer, the woman's done nothing illegal. I'd venture to guess care givers get gifts all the time from their patients.

Wifey has left the home. He needs a caretaker. There's a very uncomfortable bed been made here. Frankly, even if she went to the lady's job? What is the lady doing wrong? It's not breaking any laws to accept gifts from one's patients. In fact, I'd venture to say it's done often.

Her problem is with her husband. Not the care giver.
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wileywom, here's one question that I just thought of... do you want to divorce your husband or do you honestly want to stay with him. Someone with a serious illness can act like a bully because they are upset with themselves and with the illness because they no longer have full control.

Could it be that hubby offered your car so that the Caregiver could run an errand and she took advantage of that offer? Did the Caregiver give a sob story about she can't make next month's rent and thought he was doing her a favor? Sounds like you took offense to what he did, I would have too, and there was a serious discussion that resulted in a major blowup. Words were said, he wanted you to leave because he couldn't.

When was the last time you spoke to your husband? Call when you know the Caregiver isn't there and ask if he is ok, and if he needs any help. Misunderstandings can take on a life of their own.
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Caregivers hired thru an agency are not supposed to get "gifts" it is unethical and ground from termination if she is found out. She is getting paid to do a job and the agency that she works for would not be happy she is getting gifts. If she is a private contractor then it is another story. I think that this sounds like a relationship problem that might have been brewing for awhile and the caregiver stirred it up. Protect yourself legally but if the marriage was failing anyway maybe this is your chance to get out?
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See a lawyer. See several lawyers. Find the best one for you. Someone who will look out for your long term interests and will be your advocate. You may also want to meet with a therapist to create effective strategies for communicating with your husband. You deserve to be treated with respect and should also be respectful. Be careful and do not delay.
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I also agree that agency CGs are not to accept gifts, etc, Our agency is pretty upfrount about this. Our Cg needed gas money recently, mom gave her some, she paid it back.But it could have gotten her fired if they knew. Not even Christmas gifts... we slide them under the table. But then again, our CG is not trying to break up his marriage or take him to the cleaners...
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I have moved back in. I wasn't willing to just walk away. The company is Comfort keepers, and I have told them my concerns and they have either said it wasn't my business or blown me off. So I have gone to the state and federal level a put in a complaint to every agent I could. I am trying to find a lawyer in California if anyone knows of a good one please let me know. Thank you all for the feedback
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Are you in a community property state? If you are legally married half of everything he earns or that which is considered community income and property, is yours...He has a duty to support his wife. He cannot order you out of a home/house without a court order. He must provide for necessities, food clothing transportation shelter healthcare, as he is able. You may have a right to incur debt which he would become directly liable for, to secure basic and reasonable needs. If the car is registered in your name, he cannot sell or strip you of the keys lawfully except by your agreement or court order.
Further, it is absolutely against Federal contractor policies to accept gifts or services from clients. It is not ethical, either from a medical ethics point of view or Federal law. It is a violation of Dept of VA provider requirements as well.
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Are you in a community property state? If you are legally married half of everything he earns or that which is considered community income and property, is yours...He has a duty to support his wife. He cannot order you out of a home/house without a court order. He must provide for necessities, food clothing transportation shelter healthcare, as he is able. You may have a right to incur debt which he would become directly liable for, to secure basic and reasonable needs. If the car is registered in your name, he cannot sell or strip you of the keys lawfully except by your agreement or court order.
Further, it is absolutely against Federal contractor policies to accept gifts or services from clients. It is not ethical, either from a medical ethics point of view or Federal law. It is a violation of Dept of VA provider requirements as well.
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Also, anytime a VA employee or VA contractor is involved in waste, fraud, or abuse, there is a hotline to call 800-488-8244. Email:vaoighotline@va.gov.
There is the Dept of Veterans Affairs Office of the Inspector General.

Courtesy of another Federal employee and veteran promoting honesty and ethics in Federal service
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I would definitely make a report with your local Adult Protective Services and tell them that you believe there is financial abuse taking place. Additionally, you can call your local police department, and a few elder law attorneys and/or family law attorneys for more information and to find out your rights. Attorneys will usually give you a free consultation, and you can find out the names of some local agencies for lower cost or free attorneys if you do not have the money for legal fees. I would act quickly. I hope everything works out well for you.
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