My mom is now bedridden and incontenent. My dad is showing similar signs that she did like forgetting everything, misplacing items daily, and repeating everything over and over again. I am the only child and live with them to help with care, but I work full time and won’t spend my retirement caring for them.
Apologies in advance if this does not work for you. I was curious how Ai worked, so my dH asked Ai for me: Here is AI's answer:
"AI generated answer:
It's understandable that you may not want to take on the role of power of attorney for healthcare for your parents. Here are a few suggestions that may be helpful in this situation:
Consider hiring a professional caregiver to assist with your parents' needs. This can help to alleviate some of the burden on you and allow you to continue working full-time.
Look into local resources that may be able to provide assistance, such as adult day care centers or in-home nursing care.
Reach out to other family members or friends for support. They may be able to help with caregiving tasks or provide emotional support.
Consider joining a support group for caregivers. It can be helpful to connect with others who are in similar situations.
If your parents are still able to make their own healthcare decisions, it may be helpful for them to appoint a durable power of attorney for healthcare. This would allow them to choose someone they trust to make healthcare decisions on their behalf if they are unable to do so themselves in the future.
I hope these suggestions are helpful. It's important to remember to take care of yourself as well, as caregiving can be a demanding and emotionally draining role. "
If we hadn't chosen to help my MIL early on, the mess would have been very hard to ignore or avoid personal impact since we lived in the town next to them. I helped them almost daily for 1-1/2 yrs but at least I got to control what was happening and when, since I was a partner in our famiy business working full-time with 3 young sons and my own elderly Mom living next door. I don't regret jumping in early because I know it would have been so much worse.
Below you posted, "I live with my parents..."
My point being that PoA will allow you to minimize the impact of your parents' decline on your life -- unless you can walk away and be stone-cold uninvolved. Not sure how this will happen if you live with them. Also, remember this experience as you plan for your own declining years and exit.
but the only thing worse than POA is not being POA.
Are they going to hire a guardian? (Very pricey!!$$$$). Would they prefer you use a different family member in that role?
The trouble comes when the POA they choose instead of you doesn’t, in your opinion, follow their wishes, or do what you would do, using your best judgment.
Would that bother you more than being POA?
There was a time when my mom in the moment changed her own “wishes.” She was very sick and wanted some life-saving measures. The hospital really didn’t want to prolong her life. I had to fiercely advocate to get Mom what she wanted. If I hadn’t been POA, her own wishes would not have been honored.
Although the role can be painful, not being in that role would have devastated me.
Your profile says that your parents are living with you in your home.
You have responded to Alva that you live with them.
Which is it?
If you live with them, move out and move on with your life. How old are you?
Are you familiar with Council on Aging? They can do a needs assessment for your parents and determine what options are available for them.
Your profile says that your mom has Alzheimer’s disease. Facility care would be the best option in my opinion. She isn’t going to recover and will require more care as time goes by.
Best wishes to you and your family.
i am POA for my parents (Dad Passed) and I am so glad I talked to them about this. They figured all they needed was to be POA for each other.
their needs got to the point that they couldn’t write a check, sign paperwork etc. by the time my Dad passed Mom was bed ridden, my brother passed etc. and I was able to take care of everything without jumping through hoops and spending tome in court.
When my Dad passed I went back to the lawyer and he made sure Moms estate wouldn't go into probate. The first thing he told me to do was be put on her bank account for example. I never would have thought to do that.
my long winded reply is simply to say, make life easier on you.
This is a tough situation living alone with autism. I have no survivors but will not trust just any stranger to help me.
Looks like I will have to contact a social worker and an eldercare attorney if I get to the day that I feel I require assistance to avoid expensive court fees.
What happens if no POA can be available, or the only relative cannot do this responsibility? Will a lawyer then act as an agent if no one is available to handle a recipient's affairs?
I once knew someone over 25 years ago who was truly destitute and had absolutely no one to cover her affairs, so she used an attorney to act as her agent until she passed.
I had no intention to do hands on care for my folks which is why I wanted those POAs in place originally. My intent all along was to get them into IL and then AL when they became unable to live alone in IL. I needed to have the ability TO make those decisions FOR them, and that's why POA was required. Also to make all those financial decisions as to how their money would be spent over a 10 year period when they could no longer manage their own money. As financial POA, I was NOT responsible for any of their bills.........just for how their funds would be SPENT, that's important to note.
POAs can be your best friend, especially since you do not want to do hands on care FOR your folks during your retirement years. How else will you go about placing them in managed care w/o those POAs in effect? As POA for mom (after dad died), I got her into Memory Care AL due to her advancing dementia; as her POA, I had the power to make ALL of her decisions since she was incapacitated to do so. I was able to oversee all of her care and get all the medical info pertinent TO her care as her POA. W/o that document, only God knows what would've happened!
See an Elder Care attorney who can explain all this to you much better than I can, and much better than anyone here on the forum can. It'll be the best couple of hundred bucks you've ever spent.
Good luck.
It is always good to know one’s limits. Now is the time to start researching affordable care homes in your area and then go visit three of them and be prepared to inform your parents that although you can’t spend your retirement caring for them personally, you will be visiting them frequently and overseeing their care. I think it’s easier if they moved before one passes than if only one parent were left. God bless you and your parents.
Maureen
The fact that you are asking this is a red flag of your frustration with your current living situation. Care providing will only intensify. Get out now so you can build your future.
I honestly cannot imagine what you are going to do now, given you have putt he cart before the horse and have taken your parents into your home. Legally that makes it THEIR home whether they pay rent for it or not
You have painted yourself into a very bad corner indeed. I suggest you see an elder law attorney to find out that your options are now. You have taken on so much that it may be too late to step away without charges of abandonment. You cannot take in people who are nearly helpless, then wait until they ARE helpless and say "Whoops; only kidding. Out you go".
I wish you every luck and I hope you will update us on what advice you get.
As POA, you don't have to be the hands caregiver, but you can help them transition into the right facility. Then you can manage their finances and visit them. As their only child, I'm sure you want them safe and sound.
POA doesn’t mean you personally take care of them, You either hire someone (using their funds) or place them in a facility (using their funds or applying for Medicaid if they don’t have funds). But you can’t apply for Medicaid for them or direct any of their funds unless you first have POA.
See an elder care attorney ASAP, so you can control what happens to your parents. You need to have an understanding of how this system works to make proper decisions.
It does not mean you have to personally care for them.
It means you decide... do you hire, using their money, their assets, caregivers that come into the house OR do you place them in a facility that will meet their needs. That could mean Memory Care or Skilled Nursing if that is what they need.
The bottom line is you manage their money so that it goes as far as it can paying for their care. It means you manage their medical care. That can mean anything from you personally taking them to appointments or getting in home visits, to selecting Hospice to hiring a Care Manager that will report to you. (and parents pay for Care Manager)
We did not have that experience when the doctors decided my brother was suddenly dying.
Fortunately we were able to navigate that disaster with the help of others who understood our need to help our brother.
It is almost three years later and our brother has been making his own decisions again for two years now.
I was also my Mom's Executor, and Health Care Proxy. My siblings were not involved. Each year, Mom and I would review these important documents, including her obituary. We would then sign and date a sheet noting we did this. I wanted to give her a sense of engagment and have a record that she was aware of what was going on. When she passed, I knew what I had to do.
The decline with your parents will sadly continue, and you need to decide what is best for them and for you. Having the POA is a tool to help you do just that. Please see your attorney.
If you are living with your parents, you do have responsibility to make sure they are safe and cared for. Mother is incontinent, do you have a CNA coming in to change her and make sure she doesn't get UTI's or bedsores?
The Assisted Livings may not be the answer if your parents need "skilled" care. You need to form a team--home visits, Church people, meals, camera with text so if they wander until you decide what the long-term plan is. Basically, these things needs to be addressed in the immediate. You cannot do this all by yourself.
I would call a Social Worker and an Elder Attorney. If you go the Assisted Living route everything is "a la carte". Your mother sounds like she needs NH. Your dad possibly memory care--perhaps in the same facility with different tiers.
You can't let this go and I am sure that is why you are on this forum. An only child is tough because you don't have the option of running past ideas and brainstorming with siblings.
You need a plan in place and something in the immediate before the "emergency" happens. You could call your parents' primary care doctor for an assessment and work from there. Go on the portal and keep track of all of your parents test results and appointments.
Are they taking medication? Who dispenses it? There is a lot of info on this forum that will assist you. There is help out there. If your dad was a Veteran you can also put in for Veteran's Aid & Attendance. It is NOT a given but it's worth a try. Lots of paperwork.
There are also day respite programs that your dad could attend so he won't wander.
Hope this of some help...