My FIL passed away in September. My MIL, who has dementia/Alzheimer's came to live with us in February. We have always had a wonderful relationship until her disease has progressed. I am her main caregiver, as my husband works. She gets angry at me when I tell her she has to do things, changing underpads, taking showers, won't let her walk alone, etc. For the past month, more nights than not, she will get up and wander around the house looking for her husband, and will find him in our bedroom asleep with me. She turns on our bedroom light, asks him "Why are you sleeping with THAT woman", gets ugly with him etc. We used to get up and make sure that she understood that she was his mother, not his wife, which she would after a few minutes. Now we just let her tell us "Where to go" and let her go on off to bed and she will go back to sleep almost immediately. In her waking hours, she sometimes knows me, most of the time not. I wonder in the back of her mind somewhere when I'm trying to take care of her, does she still think I'm her husbands girlfriend and thats why she won't do anything for me without fighting. Has anyone ever had this particular situation? And I'm not new to the family, my husband and I have been married 25 years. It is so bad for me, I am so depressed that I just don't think that I can continue. I feel like a failure, and so ill equipped to handle this. My life has completely been turned upside down for her, which I know she doesn't understand that, but still. I used to keep my 2 young granddaughters, but she either cries, or gets ugly with me and I don't like them seeing this. I don't want them to be afraid of her which I know children can be with the elderly. I miss my old life!!! Am I being selfish? BTW we brought her from a nursing home where she lived with my FIL because she hated it and didn't want to be alone. Had I know how much she would lash out at me, I don't think I would have ever brought her to live with us.
And I can imagine how difficult it is for her to see him "sleeping with another woman"!
I can imagine how difficult it is for both you and your husband to have her walk in on you.
This is not going to get better.
If you truly can not handle it then you have 2 options.
Place her back in Memory Care (nursing home if that is needed)
Hire caregivers to do most of the care and if necessary hire one over night.
The big question is are you prepared to care for her as she becomes more dependent for her ADL's (Activities of Daily Living) Bathe her, toilet her, feed her, brush her teeth, dress her. She may get angry at you when you "tell" her to do some of these things because she gets confused and may no longer recall how to start the process or even do what is asked, or she needs a while to process what you have told her to do and if you get angry that she does not do it right away she may get angry or frightened that you are angry.
Is the house ready when she has to use a walker? wheelchair? These things can happen in a matter of days or weeks depending on her decline. My Husband went from walking 1 day to not the next day. (no exaggeration)
You may decide you've had enough (especially of the nightly interruptions). YOu will need to have a very calm and gentle conversation with your hubs, as this is his mother. You are under no obligation to care for her in your home. Maybe research some nice places in close proximity, or adult day cares, and have this info in hand when you talk to him. At the very least, MIL should be paying you for her care (and please make sure you do this is a way that the transactions do appear as "gifting" as this may impact MIL's ability to qualify for Medicaid, should she need it -- many do need who didn't think they would!)
It doesn't matter if MIL "doesn't want to" live there...the caregiving arrangement has to work for both parties (care giver and receiver) or it doesn't work at all. "Burn out" is a real thing that ruins marriages, health and finances. You and hubs should read some of those posts here on this forum as a precautionary tale for your futures if you don't make decisions now. You should also watch some of the very helpful Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to really learn what will be manifesting in your MIL as she progresses in her dementia. Also, your hubs needs to get a PoA for your mom so he can legally manage her affairs. This MUST happen asap. Bless you for your willingness to help to this point. May you both receive peace in your hearts to do what is best for all.
If husband is not agreeable then make sure MIL sees a neurologist. She may need a med adjustment. I would also use her money to hire someone to sit with her while you get out of the house. Maybe spend a weekend with grands and let DH deal with HIS mother. Maybe a CNA who can bathe Mom for you. I had one for Mom and it was great. She bathed her, dressed her and visited for a while.
There is Medicaid home care too if MIL fits the income criteria.