My mom, 87, is unable to do much anymore due to her decline. How can I help her understand that she is not "lazy" or "dull"?

My dad very often felt this way. He missed taking care of others, his yard, his projects, and volunteer activities. He wasn’t much for reading or tv and found filling his time frustrating. We talked often and I always tried to reassure and encourage him that he was here for a reason, often that reason was to be a friendly voice on the phone to others who were isolated and alone. He would reach out to many former coworkers, classmates from many years gone by, people he’d known through church and his former exercise place, all kinds of people that could use a kind word on the phone and help them not feel isolated and like someone cared. Sometimes these old friends would come by for lunch, or when dad could get out they’d meet up, but often they’d just talk, reminisce and check in with each other. I was amazed by how many people he found from years gone by to reconnect with. He was a blessing to others. Perhaps your mother could find others in her same position and connect, it would life the spirits of both

Luna, she may not cook any more but I am sure she did in the past. If you can not find anyone to help her write then recording her would be another way to do it and you would have her voice ...something that you will treasure later

My Mom is in assisted living right now and I'm experiencing the same thing. She loved participating in activities and going out and having lots of visitors and now she is depressed and bored because she's not allowed out, we r not allowed in and activities are all cancelled. Some ideas I had that seemed to cheer my Mom was to send an email to all my friends and family and ask them to mail her a letter or a card. She loved getting mail from folks she hadn't heard from in years. It was fun and a big surprise for her! I also bought her blank recipe books and cards from Amazon ( her place does allow her to receive packages). She's making a recipe book for each granddaughter of all her favorite things she liked to cook. She could dictate the recipe to her caregiver to write down or they could google recipes and use those if she can't remember. I'm planning to rent a house on the beach for Thanksgiving and I'm taking my Momfor 10 days. I feel like her mental health needs this and I'm not wanting my Mom to be away from her family for the holidays. We will have to be careful and social distance and not go out to shops and restaurants but I think with careful planning it will work. She already has had Covid and recovered. My point is plan something she can look forward to - can u visit for the holiday? She can cross off days on the calendar and look forward to it! Best of luck!

Nana had a good idea with the cards.   Cicibee, your comments on kindness are appropriate as well.

My father's local Meals on Wheels worked with school children who drew cards for the senior MOW recipients.    Just the thought of the time they spent was heartwarming.  My father always enjoyed them.

Given that the USPS needs support, I've decided to back off on e-mailing and send letters or cards instead.  I used to use copyright free art to make my own cards, then either print them with colored ink or hand color them.   The coloring was very, very soothing, as has been observed when folks with dementia have been given art projects.

I'm also coloring some for drop-off at rehab, AL and other facilities.   Adding a bit of mystery, I won't be signing my real name, just something like "someone who wishes you a pleasant day", or something uplifting.  Then I'll hand deliver them to the facilities.   

I'm also working on finding ways to do the same for the Veterans, either in the VA homes or VA hospitals.  

My2Cents, good ideas about staying active, especially exercising at home.    Listening to music is very therapeutic and helps avoid depression.   And people can "dance" with their feet while sitting down.   

Luna, you might want to send your mother a series of cards, each focused on something she used to do, and compliment her on those accomplishments.  One thing I've noticed as have others here is that mobility tends to make us feel diminished.    Anyone who believes that should read about Stephen Hawking, who was probably more challenged than most of the people for whom we care. 

Granted, he had more support and access to assistive devices, but he also kept his mind active.   He'll be remembered not only for his fight against ALS, but also for his scientific activities despite his disabilities.

Lockett, I feel for your pain, but I think you really undervalue yourself.    First, I think the concept of what is "normal" is not relevant for most people, and especially elders.   Second, STOP referring to yourself as a misfit!

Think of all the wounded soldiers who have wounds, amputations, TBI and other war inflicted injuries that most of us would never get, or even see.  Yet they're working and fighting for more normal lives.   Granted that they do have the VA as well as support organizations, but they also have the benefit of military training and of perseverance.

Please think of these situations.   I rode the bus to work for years.   One woman who periodically also rode had some type of limb disability and was unable to walk straight, or move her legs or arms in a straight line.   Yet she rode the bus.   Guessing her age, I would say in her 20's.

Another was blind, and rode the bus daily.   She got off in one of the toughest areas.    I always admired these women and wondered if I would have the courage to be that strong and brave if I had the illnesses they experienced.

So, Lockett, please reassess your situation and think more positively of yourself...please?

And Luna, consider at home activities for your mother such as writing, art work, making and/or writing cards for pick up and delivery to other homebound people.  

Reaching out to others in need is a wonderful form of productivity.

Remind her that this year is "different" because of COVID. Everybody is seeing less people, some have lost jobs while others are working from home, kids are home schooling for the most part. She is not being unproductive; she is being safe. Since she has so many family members, maybe she should make it her project to check in on everybody regularly and listen to their concerns. She can offer the wisdom of all her years or experience. Help her set up a schedule to check in on family and ask her caregiver to help her make the phone calls.

What kind of decline?
Is she still cognizant? You do not give any details in your profile.
Can she start a Family Favorites Cookbook? And a little history behind the recipe. Did she get it from her mom? her Mother in law? What is the "secret" to the stuffing she always made? (I would love to have had this from my Mom or Grandma)
Can she start a family history book. Where did she come from? her mom, her dad? (so much better getting the real story rather than reading it on Ancestory)
If she can not do these things herself you might want to check with a local scout group maybe there is someone looking for a project to earn an Eagle Scout or the Girl Scout version is called a Gold Award.

Grear that you call everyday but you should FaceTime everyday..
She needs more Visitors, try to arrange 7 different peiole to pick an hour one day a week to visit her so she'll get a Visitor every day.

Try to find things she can do like paint by number or coloring, making stuff if she knits or crochets.

Let her know just what you said about everything she's done and now it's time for her body to rest.

One thing I have said to my mom is that the world can always use more kindness, and she, in her interactions with others, is always giving that. It's powerful stuff, that everyone genuinely appreciates. She makes other people's days better.

My Mum went through a period in the spring after 2-3 months of social distancing due to Covid. All her regular activities were canceled, Church, Dragon Boating, volunteering, Hospice Support Group, swimming and much more. She felt completely useless and unproductive. She wrote out a list and went to the family GP, as she had had some chest pains.

The GP read over the list and acknowledged how hard the isolation has been on so many of us. He also sent her for tests and likely the chest pains were anxiety, her heart is fine.

Mum is 86 and lives 100% independently. She has a remarkable group of friends who are all in the 80's many have outlived their husbands. As time has passed, several have decided that they have to live life, and they are getting together again. Mum went swimming most days with one friend. On Friday nights a group in her neighbourhood gets together to play dominoes.

Finding a way to be social engaged really has helped Mum to get through these last 7 months.

ChristServant, baking cookies for first responders is a wonderful idea!    She could realize that she still has worth.     LunaATX, perhaps her caregiver could help her.  Even if your mother just gets together the ingredients, and (of course!) samples the cookies, she's making a valuable contribution.

Some folks who've found ways to help during the pandemic eventually get public recognition.  Imagine if that happened, and/or if the local fire department or police force gave her a certification of appreciation, or honored her publicly.

LlamaLover raises another issue:  how actively is she involved in her grown children's lives?   Could she call one of them daily, rotating the sequence?  Or call her grandchildren?   

I think she could make arrangements with her own grown children to bring the next generation into getting better acquainted with her, sharing their interests, and in turn helping her think more highly of herself because she's NOW making a contribution to the second generation.