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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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You don't have to visit her on the exact days of the holidays. Usually the facilities have special activities and food, so she'll experience something special. But do visit her as often as you can around the holidays to make sure she is OK and to tell her you love her, and bring her special treats or gifts -- a warm indoor poncho (one that can be machine washed and dried), a stuffed animal if she likes them, a comfortable pair of slippers.
When my father's condition deteriorated to the point that we could no longer care for him, he kept wanting to come home but when we were able to bring him home for a short visit, he was still uneasy. We finally realized that he was experiencing what we had been told by others in our support group - "home" to him did not mean his life with us, "home" meant his life with the grandfather and grandmother who raised him. There was no way that we could take him home. The best you can do is try to meet your loved one where they are and look for ways to distract them with love. You will be in tears when you leave but that's part of loving someone - you will always hurt when they hurt and that's all right. They may be suffering from this awful disease but they are still in there somewhere so do your best to treat them with love, tenderness, and respect but realize that you cannot fix them. As important, be as gentle with yourself as you are with them. My heart goes out to the letter writer.
She’ll likely act the exact same way as any other visit. Don’t go and ruin your holiday if there is usually drama. Your own enjoyment of the holiday is more important. It’s just another Thursday for a demented person.
It's Thursday. She (probably) has no concept of the holiday or if it is special. Do you usually visit on Thursday? If so pop in for a visit. The facility will probably have a Thanksgiving dinner and in some cases if you made arrangements in advance they might have set a separate dining room for family so you could have a dinner. You could stop by later for dessert. If you have a lot of family in for the holiday you might want to take turns visiting if they want to visit. 2 people at a time, maybe 3 but limit the number and time.
My mother was normally difficult when DH and I visited, but I made it a point to go see her on holidays. If they were having a TG meal at the AL, we'd join her. But not in MC though, bc guests weren't invited. I'd either bring her some food from home or a pie, etc. At Christmas, I'd reserve the private room for Christmas Eve and take over a homemade lasagne and we'd have a celebration there with gifts etc. I wanted mom to feel like she was participating in the holidays even though she complained she was alone, that everyone else's family came to take them out, etc etc. The one time I took her to my home from MC for the holiday was not a good experience for anyone, mostly her.
If she carried on about going home, I'd just tell her "when the doctor says you're well enough to leave"....... etc.
Tell us more. Are you not typically visiting your mom? Do you live many miles from your mother? Does your mother typically become (and stay) somewhat agitated when she has visits from you?
I don't really think that any Holiday nonsense figures in your question. Your question, when dementia is involved is about agitation being the outcome of your visits I think? And that is a larger question. Usually something that happens when the person who has dementia sees a visitor he/she believes will SAVE or RESCUE. In other words, take her home. This is usually a passing outcome of visits where the loved one has expectations still of escaping back home.
Since your mom has dementia, I doubt she knows that a holiday is here, approaches, or has passed. If she usually has agitation when you visit, then you probably need to visit at a time during the day when she is her most lucid and biddable. It doesn't have to be "on" the holiday to visit. If you visit her more often, then your visits will become more of her normal routine and cause less agitation. If more frequent visits are not possible or agitation is the result of any change in her routine, then you may wish to talk to her doctor about medications to help with anxiety and agitation. These meds could be given before you come to visit or at first signs of difficulty.
It seems you're not aware there are levels of dementia, and someone can be quite advanced before they have zero awareness of a holiday. Also, a person with dementia can be very incapable in specific ways and very capable in others; it depends on the person, the level, and where in the brain it's affecting them.
Also, since this mom is in a care facility, it's highly likely they're acknowledging the holiday with signs, events, and special meals. So it's not like she won't hear about it. Plus, if she watches TV, she'll see about it.
If so, does the facility have any events on Thanksgiving day? My MIL's place has a church service in the morning and then the Thanksgiving meal after that. We go over there to be with her during the meal, take a group photo, and then decorate her room for Christmas.
If you go in the morning, your Mom may not "Sundown" as much. Afternoons will be worse. If you can accompany her to a facility activity and then leave while she's in the activity there will be less chance for her to wind up (and call an aid over to distract her while you say your brief goodbye).
Is your Mom on any meds for depression or anxiety? If not, maybe it's time this happens.
I hope your holiday with her is as good as it can be.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Do you usually visit on Thursday? If so pop in for a visit.
The facility will probably have a Thanksgiving dinner and in some cases if you made arrangements in advance they might have set a separate dining room for family so you could have a dinner.
You could stop by later for dessert.
If you have a lot of family in for the holiday you might want to take turns visiting if they want to visit. 2 people at a time, maybe 3 but limit the number and time.
If she carried on about going home, I'd just tell her "when the doctor says you're well enough to leave"....... etc.
Good luck.
Are you not typically visiting your mom?
Do you live many miles from your mother?
Does your mother typically become (and stay) somewhat agitated when she has visits from you?
I don't really think that any Holiday nonsense figures in your question.
Your question, when dementia is involved is about agitation being the outcome of your visits I think?
And that is a larger question. Usually something that happens when the person who has dementia sees a visitor he/she believes will SAVE or RESCUE. In other words, take her home. This is usually a passing outcome of visits where the loved one has expectations still of escaping back home.
Also, since this mom is in a care facility, it's highly likely they're acknowledging the holiday with signs, events, and special meals. So it's not like she won't hear about it. Plus, if she watches TV, she'll see about it.
if you do happy thanksgiving then change subject matter - it’s just a day
If so, does the facility have any events on Thanksgiving day? My MIL's place has a church service in the morning and then the Thanksgiving meal after that. We go over there to be with her during the meal, take a group photo, and then decorate her room for Christmas.
If you go in the morning, your Mom may not "Sundown" as much. Afternoons will be worse. If you can accompany her to a facility activity and then leave while she's in the activity there will be less chance for her to wind up (and call an aid over to distract her while you say your brief goodbye).
Is your Mom on any meds for depression or anxiety? If not, maybe it's time this happens.
I hope your holiday with her is as good as it can be.
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