My mother accused me of elder abuse and served me with an EPO. Now she's alone and I'm out of the house. Who do I contact for help?

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My mother accused me of elder abuse and served me with an EPO. Now she's alone and I'm out of the house. Who do I contact for help?

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My mother has dementia and it's only the beginning...I am her daughter and live with her. She has threatened and has called police on me before. I have had to bring up sensitive issues with her recently...driving on revoked license. She has come home and oviously hit someone or ? Lies to her Dr. about meds she's supposed to take and doesn't. She doesn't keep appts with Dr. Lies and says she has no way to get there. She has become an "ER abuser." She does not have anyone but me to help her. Her medical problems are extensive. I have nowhere to go and spent last 3 days in my car due to her false accusations. HELP!

Alzheimer's & Dementia Elder Abuse Elder Law Family Caregiver Refusing Care

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From your profile, it sounds as though your mother has struggled with mental illness all of her life. Add dementia to that and you've got a really toxic mix.

I really don't understand why you would move in with someone you've never gotten along with, but that's water under the bridge. You are placing yourself in danger by trying to "help" your mother if there is an order of protection against.

I would take the Order of Protection as official permission to leave and get your life back on track.

Your mother, sadly, will only get help when you step away. Do that for HER sake if not for your own.

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I would shake the dust of that situation off myself and let her deal with the consequences of her actions.

You can't help anyone that doesn't want it, but you can end up in jail if you don't stop trying.

You need to say goodbye to her and get away before she gets you in serious trouble. Obviously the courts think that you are in the wrong, they don't lightly issue orders of protection. She has shown you what she thinks of you, believe her and move on.

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Don't you need to go to court for an EPO? If so, then Mom must have her faculties to be able to do that.

I agree with Barb, your legal obligation to her is null and void. Go on with your life. I may call adult protection services to get her on their radar. Explain that the charges are bogus. That you have been the only one who has done anything for her. But for now with the EPO thats not possible, but you still worry about her. You expect mental illness at this point maybe with Dementia mixed in. Is there any way they can do "well checks" periodically? Tell them you are willing to help but living with her or with you is now off the table.

What will probably happen eventually, is during a "well visit" it will be found she can no longer be on her own. If no one steps up to the plate, the State will take control. For you, I would allow that to happen. The State will be able to place her in a facility quicker and get her Medicaid quicker. She is doing this to herself by alienating everyone.

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This is an awful time to be homeless. Not certain if shelters are taking people. Do you have a job? Unemployment?

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Even though you have been removed from the role you might benefit from Caregiver Support. Check with your local AAA or ASAP to see if they offer it. Also see if they have an Elder Mental Health Outreach Team (EMHOT) and refer your mother. I agree that a call to Elder Protective Services is in order letting them know she is unsafe at home alone. Because of the Protective Order you can no longer have direct contact with her. If she has a hospital admission and they contact you make sure you relay that because of her placing the PO you cannot care for her and that she is an unsafe discharge. I'm hoping you are able to get back on your feet and move on. You have done what you could and she has told you that you are no longer needed or welcome.

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Sounds like it is high time for you to concentrate on yourself. You need shelter, an income, a life independent, from your mother. Speak to social services about what they can do for you. Right now you are a homeless person. You need to build up your own resources. Re your mum, explain the situation to APS so they are aware of your mother's problems. Contact her doctor and inform her/.him of your concerns including her driving with a revoked licence, then turn your energies to help yourself.

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Shelters are taking people in this state, it’s not a terrible time to be homeless in CA. The state is putting the homeless up in hotels.

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What state do you live in?

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I agree that you cannot remain dependent on your mother any more. You will have to access help the best you can and concentrate on yourself now. If you are able to drive now there are many delivery jobs available; agree with Cali that you should access social services for the homeless in your area. The answer can be difficult and there is no easy answer, but you can see where dependence on an abusive mother has got you. She is on her own; so are you. I am so sorry. It is very tough times. Try a woman's shelter first; they at least can steer you in the right directions.

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You should call 911 & say she’s a danger to you & herself. They can take her to psych hospital & they keep her there till meds adjusted. When you call the 911 be close to her house & when they arrive, meet them & explain you live with her but she needs 24/7 care. She has dementia but needs to be declared mentally incompetent by dr . You have right to live there since you have been living there all along taking care of her. Let us know how it goes. When you get her stabilized, then see Elder law Atty. You have rights. You don’t have to be homeless.
Hugs 🤗

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No, with a EPO in place there are zero options to contact people now. Credibility would be an issue, I echo the move on advice given here. The time to alert agencies is past.

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I don’t know the details of your State’s EPOs, but here the courts are likely to order our version of the order immediately as a first step, even without seeing the applicant in person. There would be hell to pay if the allegations were all true and the applicant was murdered or seriously harmed, so they jump first! After that, the order can be taken back to court to be appealed or checked in more detail. If you have been evicted wrongfully, there are a lot of legal issues as well as the allegations, and you shouldn’t just accept the order.

I think that you need help from a professional working within your state’s system. A social worker ought to be able to deal with it, but if necessary go to the police and ask for advice – and ask them where you can go for help, if the police don’t seem the right place. If you have a free community legal service, that could be even better. You really need help, immediately. A car is not a good address!

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MM, here you have to prove cause. Being named on a EPO can cost you your job, security clearance and many other things, so they don't jump first. It is not as easy as making an accusation, you have to have some proof that you are in danger. Otherwise there is no due process. You can ask for a court date to get the order revoked if it was done in error.

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Call 911 and tell them she is a threat to you and herself!! I agree that she needs to be in a psyche facility!! Take care of you. You need to be independent of her. It’s time to take care of you and live on your own.

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elaine1962 There is an order in place that prevents daughter from going to house. Mom reported her as abusive or threatening, so daughter had to leave. Says she's living in her car

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Either call 911 or take her to ER and leave her, refuse to take her home and let the State take over - it sounds drastic and unkind, but you seem to have reached a point where unfortunately you need to "be cruel to be kind". She clearly cannot manage and needs care, sometimes one has to play the system to get care for our LO even if it means we cannot be with them as we would like.

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With an EPO is place, the OP doesn't have the option of taking her personally to the ER (and SHOULDN'T). Calling 911 or reporting her to APS would be more appropriate. (I tend to dislike abbreviations, but here I've used 4 of them!)

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Thanks for sharing your part of the story in this VERY delicate matter. To give you a suitable reply we must hear BOTH sides of the story.
For example, it is not clear why you live in a car. Is your Mom supporting you?
Some things are not clear in your description. So before you call 911 be a little wary, as some actions backlash in unpredictable ways.

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I read your story in detail. If the case is so bad, move on with your life, get a job and a home of your own. Move on......

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would a social worker to make a care assessment help?

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I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. It is so hard when you try to help your mom and she refuses it, and you see what she keeps others from seeing. My husband and I were the only ones who saw how bad my mom is because we live in the same state and everyone else sees her maybe once a year. So when we thought she shouldn’t be alone we tried to take steps to make it happen. We discovered that she only went to her neurologist when she was having a good day so he never saw her issues, otherwise she would cancel the appt. so of course, he said she was fine to live alone. Other family said “better a few months of her enjoying her independence than forced somewhere else where she is always unhappy. I had to step back because of no support. 18 months later I found her on her shower floor and Drs say she was there at least 2 days. While in hospital I took over her affairs and discovered how much she had neglected and how much of her bills were either paid several of the same payment or none at all which were several months past due; and her meals consisted largely of ice cream, candy and chocolate wine??! And she was living close to as a hermit - not enjoying her independence or having any kind of life, but only happy about the fact that no one was telling her what to do. I kick myself for not being more assertive about her being on her own. She is now in a nursing home and going mentally down hill even faster, and I have so much work to do for her. Had we persevered then, she’d have had a better life and I wouldn’t be as burdened with fixing everything now. And to top it off, my brother who pushed for her independence the most has since died and now can’t even grieve him properly because anger seeps in from him pushing me to let her live her own life. So I encourage you to seek legal recourse through an elder lawyer before she becomes even more of a burden on you and they should be able to help you resolve your living arrangements as well. If you are a believer in the God of the Bible, He promises that if you seek Him and ask for wisdom, He will give you an abundance. But then you have to act on the wisdom. Unfortunately I didn’t act on what I knew was right the first time. And if you are not a believer, God promises that if you seek Him with your whole heart, you will find him - then you can ask for His wisdom. May He bless you through this terrible journey

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Where do you live, I mean city/State? I am so sorry you are going through this, I understand your fear of walking away even though she pushed you away, as I suppose your petrified what will happen to her now without you. Do you have any siblings?🤔

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When my husband began to do very strange things, I wrote a letter to his doctor explaining what he was doing. It resulted in big changes in his meds, which did a lot to bring a difference. I'd do that, and since you lived with her and yet care about her, you can write kindly. Tell the MD that she isn't taking her meds (my hubby was taking them too often), that you know she lies to them (I assume you have been with her when she kept appts.?).
The other problem is being kicked out of the house. Are your personal items there? Go to the judge who granted the EPO and ask for an aide to accompany you to get the items that are yours (put them in storage if you have to) and find a friend who will let you crash on the couch while you look for something more permanent.
Sooner or later this will catch up to her and she'll realize she needs you. Or a different living arrangement, like AL.

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Maybe this was already mentioned. I suggest calling the Dept in Aging In your area and share you concerns about her needs that won’t be met if you aren’t there. They can assess and offer services. If she can make decisions, even if bad ones, they might not be able to do anything. But you have done what you can to make sure she is safe. At this point you will probably have to plan on living elsewhere at least for now.

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See if you can talk with court clerk of judge who signed the order and explain what you did here. Be sure to tell them recent argument started over her driving on revoked license and the unexplained dents in car. You might also want to call Adult Protective and explain this situation. All involved need to know the house is your primary residence and you have provided care and oversight.

Records would show when she last filled RX versus how many pills on hand and verify she is not taking the meds. Doctor could also use this info to verify she is not telling him the truth. Abuse of the ER will show many trips for medical care and probably very few times that they keep her. If she is going to ER complaining of pain just to get pain meds, that will also help people understand the situation.

You probably need an attorney to defend you when the order goes to court for hearing. Often orders are for limited period, a hearing determines if it will be extended. You can ask for a court appointed atty if you have no money to pay.

You do need to get out of your car. Do you have any friends or relatives anywhere who could give you a couch to sleep on until this is resolved? There are shelters, however with covid that may be too risky. Maybe rent a room in area that would be much cheaper than hotel rate.

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Just wondering if you have a relative or friend to stay with until you can afford to get your own place. If you can’t get anything done through your Mom’s doctor, then there is little you can do if she banned you from her home. Wait her out for up to 4 weeks and she will end up needing you because if she isn’t taking her meds, she will end up in the hospital anyway. You need to get out of this toxic atmosphere anyway. You didn’t mention her age. If she is truly elderly, you would be successful going to a government agency like another poster on here said and telling them she can’t take care of herself and contact the police if she no longer has a valid driver’s license but out putting others’ lives in danger. Maybe have a witness with you about the dementia. This is a big downside of moving in with a parent and you become as dependent on them as they are on you. Your case is not unusual. Case worker will give you advice.

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Write mother a letter explaining your concerns. Ask her if it is ok to come and talk with her a certain day and time. She may realize you both need each other in your lives. If that does not work and she truly is incapacitated petition the court for guardianship after discussion with her doctor and mother if possible. Give her the chance to try to work with you first before getting Probate court involved. If mother doesn’t want you as guardian the Judge may appoint a professional guardian and you and mother will have no say of whatever the guardian wants to do as where she lives, monies/estate, whether you can see her or not etc.

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This would be a violation of the EOP and could get the poster in more trouble.

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Are you able to get a police person to go inside with you to get your belongings? Get you belongings and get a storage unit until you find a place to live. Send a letter to her doctor of things she has done or still doing so the doctor can give you a letter stating that she can no longer live alone. Give a couple weeks for doctor to get and review letter but in the meantime make her a doctors appointment and go with her to her to the appointment, so if she lies you can correct. In your letter state that you would like doctor to recommend having her checked out for memory issues with a neurologist. They may want to do a MRI along with testing. If she fails that you can get a letter from them too. These letters will carry a lot of weight and then contact Adult Services or Dept of Aging and when they arrive show them the letter/letter's and explain you can no longer take care of her, due to her constantly calling police on you. If they deem that she needs additional help then let them make decision that she should be placed and where. Don't feel guilty, because she will continue to deteriorate and she will not be able to live alone and take comfort that you took care of her the best you could.

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Is there anyone that can check on your mother? A neighbor, friend, other family member? Dementia is a terrible disease. Praying they find a way to help those with it soon. I'm not certain how much you can do with the EPO until your court date. But your mom needs help and so do you. In our state you can call 211 to find out what help is available. They can give you information on shelters, legal advice, food banks in your area. You are in a terrible dilemma and need help ASAP.

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The most frustrating thing about caring for a loved one is accepting that, for better or worse, it is their life and their decision. It sounds like you’ve been imposing your decisions over their objections. Support is just that, support. If you cannot do that, please seek out an agency who will and step back.

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Support? You consider telling someone they shouldn't be driving un-supportive? OP is imposing HER decision??? Revoked license in the original post, which is generally the STATE's decision, along with dementia... you need to be a bit more "supportive" than just smiling and saying that's okay hon, just go ahead and do whatever your little heart desires.

If you read the profile, it provides a lot more feedback. This isn't just a grumpy old lady who wants to do what she wants to do, buy what she wants when she wants and alienates everyone - personally I wouldn't even be supportive of her if that was just "her", and the only issues. But, considering the dementia, driving on revoked license, not taking medications, skipping appointments, but using the ER (no follow up, as she says she has no way to get there), etc., this woman needs supervision, not support. In OP's case, it will need to be someone else who provides the supervision. The EPO prevents her from doing anything with/near her mother. Even if the EPO is dismissed at court, there's no way OP should even think about trying to be the hands-on care-giver/supervision. NOTHING is going to make that relationship work. IF some entity can step in and get her mother situated in a safe place, she could, IF she still wanted to be involved, be her advocate and "guardian", but no way should she even consider providing the care. now should she try to butt in until the EPO is resolved.

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So sorry for your situation. Good advice about seeking out APO & legal aide lawyer. One other thing that you can do is to call her doctor & relay the fact that she's non compliant with her meds, driving, etc. as they may not exchange any info (HIPPA). Do you have any friends that you can stay with until you can get some things worked out. Good luck
po

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Condolences for your situation Unfortunately an attorney is the person to contact.
That EPO has a court date, to prepare for that court session, document everything that you have been doing.

The temporary/emergency EPO legally blocks you from contacting her or caring for her. If you are concerned, your attorney will advise how to proceed.
At this point if you contact her or anyone to "check on her," then you will be in violation of that EPO; if she tries to drive, it's out of your hands. If she crashes her car, then ... there's nothing you can do.

As mentioned your next move is to contact an attorney and to locate a different place to live. You're not legally allowed to contact her if your mother is missing appointments, then her doctors will need to be documenting their concerns.

Since you have an EPO, then you're not technically supposed to know anything that is happening with her post-EPO.

BUT if she is a danger to herself and others, the State will eventually step-in. Eventually the ER will discharge her into a nursing home.

If she is abusing the ER system then, the ER will catch onto her abuse, informally she will be deemed as a "regular."
If she has been diagnosed with dementia, but she can file an EPO, then that Dementia diagnosis will be questioned, by a judge (who is unfamiliar with Dementia).
There's not much you can do other than contacting an attorney, and finding a different place to live.

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What on earth is an EPO? Why can't people spell words out so people understand? I know she is her mother but she has dementia and is doing things that are totally wrong, wrong, wrong AND SHE IS DESTROYING YOU - THE ONLY ONE WHO HELPS HER. That is simply unacceptable. You do not allow this. First of all, document everything in writing. You must find an attorney - some will help you free for a consultation. Contact the police, the medical people, aging professionals - all of them. Just the fact that her beh. Were someone to do this to me, I would walk away - please seek help from anyone who can listen and beg for a couch until you sort this out. She should be removed and locked up in a facility.

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Emergency Protection Order

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The same thing happened to me only I don't live with him, my dad pulled knives on me and reported me and I got orders to stay away (he's 100 years old & still difficult). Two options have her declared incompetent but that's time consuming and expensive as you both would have to have neurological tests done and lawyers. You can't make your mom do anything she doesn't want to do and she will continue to be able to make complaints about you and the law and State agencies will take her side unless she is considered incompetent. She is protected under Elder Laws. The other is to try to get her on Medicaid if you haven't already and get aids to take care of her and step away. There is no perfect solution for you to continue living with her if she has dementia on top of her baked in difficult personality; you will stay on the merry-go-round It's not easy to back away but that may be the best way to help her and keep your sanity.

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My mother accused me of elder abuse and served me with an EPO. Now she's alone and I'm out of the house. Who do I contact for help?

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