My mother in law came to live with us. I just don’t know how to continue every day for maybe quite a few years.

Hi Alenka :)

Dont beat yourself up too much. You are doing a lot more than some.

You dont have to love her or even like her but sadly, you do have to tolerate her.

So when you are doing 'you part' why not think of it as 'a job'?

So in this new job, you are caring for a 99 year old BOSSY, controling woman.
Mmm!
Do your job to the best of your ability, be civil (with a smile if you can manage one. lol)
Think of something else when she rants on and on and on etc...... Just smile and carry on. White noise her out.

Give your love to your hubby and save some for yourself.
Well done, doing what you do.

Take care.
Buzzy

That's a tough situation. I'm not sure how I would handle it. I hand it to you.....you must really love your husband. I'm not sure how I would feel spending my most prized years in my home if I didn't feel comfortable.

I suppose that I would explore what happens as her dementia progresses. She may lose mobility, become incontinent, develop sleep disorder, resist care, neglect hygiene, etc. Once those things arrive, it may not be as easy to accommodate the living situation.

Honestly I think at 99, she has lived her life and there is no reason she can't be in some type of care facility. At the age of 70, things could change quickly for you or your husband and then your chance to do YOUR thing is over. This will take its toll on you...Good Luck.

Oh thank you all.

Alenka - you have a few years before your husband and you start losing mobility. My dad put off "enjoying retirement" until he was 72. Then at 74 he had a major stroke and that was it - nursing home. Put your MIL in a care facility near you - visit, advocate for her, but do some things with your husband while you have a few years.

Kimber and others have excellent ideas. You really can't put your life on hold waiting on what might happen with others. I might discuss it with DH and see if he is on the same page.

I see where you are coming from. My MIL was passive-aggressive and knew how to get her way with her 3 boys. Not so with their wifes. After 8 years of marriage to my DH she and FIL moved to Fla. We visited every couple of years. The last few years of her life we went once a year. She passed at 91 in Fla. Of thev3 boys it would have been my husband to take her in. Like you, it was easy to get along with her in short visits. And no, I didn't love her. So I can see ur delemia. I would set boundries. If she gets nasty tell her you r not taking it and walk out. There will come a time when her needs are more than you can handle. And you shouldn't. It will be what she needs trumps what she wants. If she has money, there is respite care so u can get away. ALs and NHs offer it if they have a room available. Since ur husband chose not to live close then he must understand which is a good thing. Don't constantly complain so that when you bring up u can't do it anymore he listens. Remember too, a Dementia person becomes selfcentered and like a child.

The one fear I had, at 65, and had Mom in my home, was that my husband would die before we could enjoy our retirement.

And again I want to thank you, all of you. All thoughts are appreciated very much. Just to talk about it with somebody who understands is helpful.

My husband understands and we are on the same page so that is very good. And he says in any signs of serious medical problem we will have to solve the situation differently. She has money so it shall not be problem.

I am very introverted so it is already a problem to have her there. And it is superfluous to explain her dementia and bossy manners, all of you know about it more-less.
It is difficult even more for my husband so I don’t want to complain to him much so this forum and all of you guys are my help. And it worked so well. I feel understood and accepted.
I have those stupid guilty feeling that I should be more loving...but...
I thought you guys will tell me exactly that - that I have to try more, that I have to overcome my shortcomings. So it feels somewhat satisfying to read that I am probably not so bad a person with my thoughts.
Thank you all. You did a lot for me. I feel more relaxed and forgiving towards myself. Maybe I can be more generous with my MIL also...
And I am very sure that within some time limit we can arrange another solution.
Thank you.

I personally think you are awesome, I would not be able to have her in my home.

To say she will not go to a facility is selfish and she doesn't have the right to hijack your golden years.

Hugs to you for being able and willing to deal with this difficult woman.

Hello Alenka. First off, NEVER let ANYONE say you are not a wonderful person! Taking in a family member who has Alzheimer's and dealing with all of the symptoms and progression of the disease qualifies for sainthood in my book!
Second, please have a conversation with your husband. You and your MIL are being impacted by a horrible disease. You have serious issues with your husband's health that need a calm and quiet and loving home. She needs to be in the best place for her care as well. My opinion at this point is she is unable to make logical and coherent decisions regarding her own care -- she is reverting to child-like emotions. You and your hubby need to step in to say that "an Alzheimer's care facility is the best place for you" and then put her there. They have trained people that can deal with her effectively and release you from the stress and angst she is heaping upon you both.
When my sister and I were caring for our 90-year-old Father, our goals were 1 - Safe, 2 - healthy (as possible), 3 - happy. Note that happy was last. Again, when cognitive issues hit our loved ones, they often don't make rational decisions. By getting her into a facility that specializes in her disease you and your husband can support her with frequent visits and she can enjoy you as children and not as caregivers.
All my best to you and your husband. You are truly wonderful!

I think you are a wonderful person, not at all selfish.  Considering our fellow human beings at the end, and how we would want to be treated definitely counts for something!  It's so hard trying to do what our mind tells us is the right thing, but our heart and emotions are not in it.  Taking care of people with dementia, our lives are on hold. They aren't even the person we knew.  It's not about what we deserve in a selfish way, it's about being able to survive not only financially and physically, but emotionally as well. I don't believe in overdoing it to the point that our lives are lost along with the dementia patient.  Even with those thoughts, I have conflicting feelings about how long I will do this.  One thing I am not doing is anything he can do for himself; also, should he begin to fall, I will not catch him, thereby injuring myself and becoming yet another burden to my family. Usually, I tell myself I will reach my limit when he becomes aggressive, cannot care for his own personal needs, or I am just emotionally spent.  I'm getting emotionally spent long before the other problems have begun! :/   I firmly believe in preserving my health for my healthy children and grandchildren, and since I am 15 years younger than my spouse, I have plenty of time for that. I don't want this thing eliminating the capacity for enjoyment of not only by golden, but my later middle years too! Emotionally, this is so hard. Trying really hard to "lean not on my own understanding," and allow God to "direct my paths." God bless your decisions.

My mother always told me it doesn't matter how you feel. The only thing that matters what you do. Try to see if you can get some help in the house to take some of the burden off of you and your husband. You don't have to like her.

Someone told me I'm a good daughter in law. I'm not really. I am a good wife. Anything I do for my husband's parents, I'm doing for him more than for them.

Alenka (is it your name Alena?), my mom has apporximately the same thing, her (she is 90) body functioning much better than her brain, and in addition to that she was and she is always stubborn and bossy to me, thats why after she went to the hospital and rehab (first time for the 15 years after living with me, and for 100% because she never listened to me and did what she only want) I made a decision to leave her in LTC facility. The problem is that my life is not easier, I am coming almost every day (yes, everybody will say do not do this, but this is hard) and dealing with every problems that inevitably occur in such facilities. If I only have money to hire caregiver home, i ll do this, but I dont. But she is not your mom, so hopefully for you it will be easier.

You know when you come across someone you just don't like so you are nice but distance yourself, can't do it with a MIL. I would go visit my MIL alone. My husband would drop in and she would tell him things I said that weren't true. She would turn what I said around making her look like the victim. He would come home and quietly ask me what I said. I would tell him, he'd say OK and walk away. It infuriated me until an incident between me an MIL that DH took my side. I then realized he "knew" his Mom. Asking me only confirmed his suspicions. My one SIL hated her. The other one grew up next door so learned to understand her. Me, I never visited without my DH.

I felt sorry for her at times. I think she felt she was the Matriarch and we should do what she suggested. I think she wanted to have a relationship with the DILs, like shopping, having lunch, but she ruined that with her nastiness at times and her lies. But I didn't love her and felt guilty about that.

There is no promise of tomorrow.

Start touring memory care homes now before either you or your husband have an emergency or your MIL has a precipitous decline.

My in-laws put off their retirement and then it was too late and retirement was thrust upon them due to illness.

You are balancing two ‘wants’ - what you want and what she wants. You can’t balance a see-saw if one end is always the weightiest, and no-one gets any fun out of it either. Think about how to give yourself more priority. Is there a respite option that would give you and your husband a chance now to do some of the holidays that you are hoping for in the future? Where I am you can get respite for a month a year, and it is 'respite' for the carer, not the visitor. Your husband should be willing to give you priority for a bit of the time, even if it isn’t what his mother wants.

you are absolutely NOT selfish... a lot of people would not do what you are doing... I wish I had sage words of advice, but the on,y thing I can say is that I know how you feel. My FIL lives with us, and while he is not mean, bossy, I just don’t like or respect him. This makes interactions awful. I am not good at hiding how I feel. I have found that if I do not have expect for someone, forget the rest, particularly when you have to share your house with them. I do not .ike the things I think or the disruption to my life. It sounds like you may feel the same.... don’t be too hard on yourself, we are human, and this is not natural, especially when the one on the recoving end is not nice. That really irks me because I have had to always go along and get along... why are so many elders so damn mean, nasty and hard to get along with? You don’t owe her anything.

try to keep your marriage a priority, as well as yourself. MIL needs to make the transition. Best of luck

Alenka, I would do as many have suggested and find a good MC facility and bring her there, before either you or your DH have some illness or crises that prevents you from being able to enjoy your time together. Many have placed an elderly (or not so elderly) Alz. patient in MC and after the kicking, screaming and I hate this place, they have found that their LO (?) eventually is happier there than at home. A MC facility usually has activities for them and others they can talk to where at home you are IT! Your MIL doesn't have the right to say you must keep me here, her dementia will progress and she cannot make sound decisions for herself, especially when you are the one who is supposed to do everything for her. I would seriously recommend placing her as soon as you can for her own good and yours! This will allow your DH to visit when he wants and allows him and you to to establish a more healthy relationship with her and not be her caretaker. You have EVERY right to enjoy your time with your hubby and not have someone else dictate what your lives should be like. Blessings to you both. Lindaz.

I read something this weekend that I feel applies to every caregiver in the world.

" Love is what you do, not how you feel."

You obviously have love, it shows in what you do.

Have you started looking for a facility or in home help to ease your burden? I pray you get some relief and an amazing vacation soon.

I wouldn't feel bad if I were you. You are already doing something great if you have someone living with you that you don't care for.

I've told my Hubs if he ever considered moving either of his parents in with us I would move out. I consider myself a good person but there is a limit to what I will tolerate. I know living with them would ruin me and my relationship with my Hubs. Knowing this about myself changes my view about myself and makes me feel like maybe I need to try to be nicer but having said that I know I am a good person but also know my limitations. End of story.

Patience is the key because she is 99 and not very much of her time is remaining.

Hi Alenka - well, you have come to the right place sister!  First, I am sure you are going to get a lot of feedback that you need to quit beating yourself up as a "self-proclaimed" bad person....  That is absolutely not true, moreover,  you are a human and a kind one at that.  There are a lot of people who would never even consider this, and I don't even believe that makes them "bad people", just confident in their choice. 
While I don't deal with a "bossy" FIL (who lives with us), it is the day to day grueling presence... absence of personal space and time alone my with husband.  I was holding my breath, and ready to launch about the role your hubs is playing, until you clarified that he does treat you well & obviously sees the challenges and fully knows she is difficult.  Here are a couple of mantras I go by:
.  I don't care how old you are, you have NO right to be mean to others just because of age/inabilities
.  I don't care WHAT you did for a living, still no excuse (see 1st comment)
.  Some would say that if she can't take care of herself, your family is extending a large courtesy to her (especially with her unlikeable personality) to even allow her the option.  If she was a school teacher, I am sure she is familiar with the phrase that we can't always get our way, that includes going to a nursing home.  You gave no life time guarantees of housing for her

You are ahead of the game by realizing that you, your husband and none of us for that matter, know how many days God has for us - I too, resent spending mine with someone I don't like, certainly do not love, and actually have ZERO respect for.... my husband and I have had epic battles, come close to separating and everything in between.  It sounds like you and your husband are close - keep it that way, and always communicate.  While you should take up for yourself, I too, would expect that hubs steps up and sets Mom straight when she is being unreasonable.  You have got to realize that you will never feel differently towards her, and possibly worse.  Not being negative here, just real - things like that don't change for the better, especially when they are ungrateful and mean.  What you and hubs decide to do moving forward certainly has to be a personal choice, but I urgently say to you that you have got to safeguard your relationship.  Have date nights (without MIL) of course - set boundaries, and if she is being a boss, set her straight.  It is your house, not hers, I can't understand why grown adults revert back to being 5 years old when it comes to their parents.... I have found that just like with children, if you don't set the ground rules, bad habits form and then it is even harder to turn it around. I realize this all makes me sound like a harsh, uncaring, unfeeling person, but like you, I only care for my FIL as a fellow human being, not 1 thing more.  I don't think this situation would be easy for anyone, even when you absolutely adore an in-law.  I just don't think we are designed to give up our entire lives for someone that you are not married to, her give birth to.  I have read a lot on this site, and the recurring theme seems to be ungrateful, mean spirited, controlling, unreasonable elders; and they say teens are bad....  I do think these types of behaviors usually stem from a lifetime of being that way, and do not just sprout because you are older.  Heaven help, when and if I find myself there, I sure do not want to be the one making my kids miserable.  I do think helping our elders when it is warranted, appropriate and appreciated is a wonderful thing.  I just don't think it is a requirement.  I would leave the door open to re-considering nursing home care if she does not improve - you do not get to reclaim lost days on the end of your life, just because they get squandered by someone else.  Best of luck to you, and keep us posted!