My mother is now living with me permanently after a fall and now feels homeless. What should I say to help her feel better?

Have you tried to get her on a more diurnal schedule instead of her current nocturnal one? With her brain damage/dementia, having her up and about at night seems like a real challenge. When my mom with dementia lived with us, I was so grateful for night time when I knew she would stay in her room, except for getting up to pee. No questions. No nothing.

My MIL had been gravitating to going to bed right after she ate dinner at 6 PM and then up at 1 AM wanting to get ready for the day. She has moved to a new nursing home very close to our house and they have worked on getting her righted and it's worked well! They do not let her go to bed until 830PM and now she's not sleeping all day and can be woken up enough by her visitors (unlike when she was turned upside down).

Try working on her sleep schedule. It won't resolve most of your issues but you deserve to get a good night's sleep! Small changes can lead to her being on a "normal" schedule.

Take care of yourself. Burn out happens very easily. Try to have her be as independent as possible. Use her money to hire a cleaning lady. Then add an aid at least for some chunk of hours a day or at least a week so that you can leave the house ALONE. Even if you don't feel like you "need" it, it will help keep you sane.

Best of luck.

If you have family help I would get her out of the house for a few hours and decorate her room as close to old bedroom as possible adding her favorite chair, etc. She feels homeless now and depressed which makes decisions tough to make. Just this might make her settle in better. Remember this is all new to her too. Bless you for being a wonderful daughter & breath.

Find your mother a new “ apartment “ in assisted living facility and help her decorate it .

Your other thread describes how Mom with dementia living with you is not working.

How about letting her some simple activities with you. Example helping prepare parts of a simple meal that she’s always liked to cook, maybe a small pet to keep her company and take her mind off her past, going for a walk, going to a cinema to see a film and so on.

Ritagrosz: Tell her that she is not homeless since she is living with you. She cannot live alone, but perhaps she forgets that due to the brain damage.

When I had to place my Dad in a NH it was awful, he felt the same way and would often say he felt like he was in prison (lockdown happened the day he was placed 😞) o bought him a T-shirt from Amazon that said "Prisoner of the month" and he got a big kick out of that. Just do your best to comfort your Mom, respect her space as hers and hopefully with the love and support you show her, she will feel better. If she's unable to get out, maybe see if you can get her interested in some online shopping, maybe ask her if there is something she always wanted but never bought for herself. Maybe a fluffy new blanket for her bed in her favorite color or something to hang on the wall that interests her? I wish you and your Mom the best. My Dad died in 2022 and I cherish every memory I had with him - the wonderful and difficult. Hugs to you both.

There's nothing you can say that will change her feelings. But you can let her know that it's where she will live now and that it is her room. And treat it that way. Knock if she is inside and wait for her to answer, let her decorate as she pleases, etc. Let it be *her* space.

Did you move her own bedroom furniture and artwork into her room? When I moved my mom to memory care, even though it was expensive, I moved her own bedroom suite, side chairs and matching ottomans, lamps, artwork from the walls, art quilts she had made and hung in the house, etc. It became her own space. Otherwise it would simply seem like a hotel with none of her own personality in it. I leave it to her to arrange (and endlessly rearrange) all her personal items as she chooses. She may not be able to live alone any longer, but she is still a human being that deserves respect of her private space (at least to an extent...often I arrive to visit during meals so I can inspect clothing and supplies for things that are needed, items that need to be laundered, etc. - mom is no longer able to make good decisions on these things, so I must monitor).

If you are committed to taking care of her, let her know that she needs more care now and your home is her new home and she never has to worry about being homeless. What happened to her old home and personal posessions? Can you move some of her furniture, items and mementos into her room so that she has familiar items in her space? Does she have a space where she can decide what to watch on TV, with a phone, etc.? Talk to her about what she would want to do with her days. Would she prefer being in an assisted living facility where she might have people around to do things with. Or would she want to go to a senior center, where she can meet other people and have activities designed for older people? Are there activities in the neighborhood that would be suitable for her? Would it help if you set up a for-hire car service on her phone so she can go places on her own, or does your area have car services for seniors? Get connected with a local social worker or the State Department of Aging, about her options and available services for seniors.

It isn't (just) a matter of what to say. It is what you do.
When she is out of the room (breakfast time or just out for a change of scenery), YOU personalize her room with family photos, things she likes and/or had in her own home. This is important.

While you respect your mom and her wishes, you do not listen to a person who is depressed with a brain injury - in terms of what might be best for her well being. You need to assess what will support her - and take control of the situation. These are loving gestures. She will appreciate this - even if she doesn't initially respond / show it.

What to say?
* You provide empathy - understanding - support.
- You take her hand, look into her eyes and tell her you love her.
- You acknowledge how she feels, not agree or disagree.
- You offer reflective listening "I hear your saying xxx" "I understand you feel xxx" - - - - BY DOING THIS, YOU LET HER KNOW SHE IS BEING HEARD AND THAT SHE MATTERS TO YOU. YOU ARE LISTENING TO HER WHICH REINFORCES TO HER THAT SHE HAS / IS VALUED.

Understand that she is depressed and there may not be anything specifically that you can do besides - what is MOST IMPORTANT - being with her letting her know she is loved.

Don't try 'too hard' to help or change as this will (continue to) cause you frustration and is anxiety producing. Be as calm as possible, smile, be 'happy' for the little wins - if you get a smile back, a squeeze of her hand in yours, a sense that you are 'getting through' with her response.

Share your day with her.

You may not know how the brain was affected specifically. Ask her MD and do some research on how the brain changes in the specific areas that were affected.

Be aware to not burn yourself out. This is so easy to do, even when one (me) was aware to not over-due and yet still have responsibilities that require me to be 'on' when almost every part of me felt 'off' (tired, exhausted, overwhelmed).

- Do what you can to renew yourself, often. Even the little self-supports such as taking five minutes to sit and focus on breathing (the out breathe)
or
- Go for a walk or jog
- Engage in a hobby or decide to start a new one
- Perhaps take up photography and photograph your mom, and you together.
- Download and if you can, learn Photoshop or some program and manipulate photos (lots of fun)

YOU CAN GET A PUZZLE MADE OF A PHOTOGRAPH. Try this if she is able to do a puzzle with you, or with help. Even if she can't do it alone, if she moves the pieces around 'trying' that is enough.

- It is easy to get caught up in 'doing for another' and forgetting about 'doing for our self' - you are equally as important as anyone else and you need to keep yourself going to support an/other, your mom.

Lastly, if it might feel right, consider getting volunteers - or a volunteer in to talk with her or do a project together (collage, looking through a magazine ... if she was interested in gardening or birds before, look at these types of magazines- photos).
- Contact a local church or volunteer organization, or enlist old / new friends and neighbors.
* even 15 minutes of a visit could make a huge difference to your mom. . . especially once her room represents / reflects her 'old' home in some ways that make it feel like home.

Lastly,
* Ask MD about mobility and what would be good for her to do daily. Moving is one of the most helpful antidotes to depression and more. Be sure to get her up and out daily. (Be it in your garden, living room, outside, for a ride, walk around the block - whatever she can do-with support).
* Ask MD about medication or diet changes. Smoothies are excellent as a way to get in lots of nutrients (I do this 3-5 x / week, adding a small piece of garlic and ginger root, prunes ... and lots of other things like chia seeds, Lions Mane, collogen, spices, more). The base is yogurt, banana / berries and juice (or milk). If she needs calories, use ice cream.

Gena / Touch Matters

Good Afternoon,

If you can get your mother's comforter/bed spread a few familiar items from your's mother's home this may help.

Tell her you are trying to keep her out of a facility. Give her things to do like fold the face clothes (even though you may have to re-fold them when she is not looking) or break off the tips of string beans, pair the socks, anything.

Can her Church people visit once a week with Communion, a Bulletin, etc. That's what I did for my mother.

Their brain is broken so you can't explain too much but make them feel included. The color lavender and music in the background of their era calms them. Or, simply sit and hold their hand.

Just say this is your home too and you have a family who loves you and we will make sure you have everything you need and hold their hand and sit beside them on the sofa then go get some cookies or a piece of chocolate to share. Works every time!

They usually like fresh flowers on the table too...I know it's hard and it breaks your heart but if you are calm, they will be calm. We have to be "sure-footed". I just love that word.

Happy New Year! Ireland

She is Lucky to have you - Not all people have a nice relative that takes them in . She Maybe confused from the fall or stroke and is disoriented . You May Just have to say " Mom I am concerned about your well being and I can't have you fall again . " She probably Misses her home and is home sick . Can You get some of her furniture and Pictures to hang and Mimic her old bedroom ? That way she won't be so homesick .

Tell your mom she is not homeless. She took care of you at home and now you are lovingly taking care of her at home. Just be patient, kind, and loving. You are a blessing to your mom.

Before we got the diagnosis of dementia, my Mom said she was homeless. She was living in the condo, she lived in for 10 years prior to this time. Even though she knew where all the food was, where her clothes were, etc., she thought she was homeless.

It was a temporary phase.

I empathize with you. Maybe add a few personal touches here and there, maybe a few items from her home and see how that goes.
I don't know what you could say to help her feel better.
You just keep her safe and do what you think is best.

Your mother is not entirely well now in the head, which is what has necessitated this move. And she is angry, depressed about this final loss of home and autonomy. This is absolutely normal.
Listen to her. Tell her you know that it hurts her. Reiterate what brought you both to this place. Offer again to move some favored things into the room, or simply DO it.
What you should say is this:
"Mom, I hear your grief. I know how sad you are. But the fall did injury to your brain. And at least FOR NOW you cannot be alone. And I cannot move into your place. I know your are sad and grieving and I have shed tears for you myself. But this is where you are. You have gone through so many tough things in life, and this being plopped down in my spare room is one more. Let me help you make it seem a little bit more like your own home until we can see about getting you better. And let's know that we will both cry about this; we didn't want this to happen to you. But let's use the time to talk about good memories, and watch something fun on TV together, and play some old songs."

Something along those lines but anything you come up with as long as
1. It recognizes and HEARS her mourning her loss
2. It doesn't rob her completely of hope.
3. It lets her know you enjoy her and want to enjoy good times again with her.

My heart out to you both. This is tough stuff.

She’s correct, it’s not her home. She’s mourning her losses, wouldn’t we all? Seeing her home and independence slip away has to be incredibly sad. Have someone take her out or at least occupy her in another area and decorate her room with her familiar things, no discussion, just make it happen. Acknowledge her feelings, but don’t continue endless looping conversations about it as that will only frustrate you both. Things have changed, and whatever “happy” looked like for your mom may well be in the past. This will be a big adjustment for you both. Wishing you both peace

Acknowledge her saying "this is not my home".
She is right this is NOT her home it is your home, your husbands home, your kid's home.
Maybe say something like this...
"Mom, your right this is not your home but this is YOUR room"
"We love having you here and I feel much better knowing you are safe"
"If you really don't want to be here we can start looking for Assisted Living places" (I am sure she would much rather be with you and the family rather than in an AL, where she will still not be in her "own" home)
And one more thought...
Is there any way to convert a part of the basement to an "in-law" apartment? A small 1 bedroom, a little kitchenette area and a bathroom? The only problem might be stairs and an emergency egress.

I feel like no matter what is said, this subject will still be mentioned to you. Also you can't manage her feelings on this matter and you should know, you are doing the best you can to provide for her. Wanting to make things right and being able to are two different things :)

When DH aunt moved into the NH, I asked if she would like me to bring some personal things. She said no, she wouldn’t be staying long. The doctor would soon be releasing her to go home she would say. Of course, she wasn’t going home.
So I played along.
Just give your mom time to adjust.
Meanwhile when she mentions having no home, tell her you know she misses her home and then change the subject. Look up Teepa Snow. She has good techniques for redirecting on her youtube videos.

Maybe 'home' is still too raw, too much to process. It is a huge loss - but your Mother is extremely lucky to have you by her side & provide her new home 🩷

See what catches her eye now when out with you (or in magazines/online). Maybe she will fill her new space with a completely new style? I image TBI could effect taste in colours, style, objects.

Was she a fresh flowers person? Or liked dolls or teddy bears? I'd be tempted to sneak in a pretty vase if so.. or a small bear. Maybe Paddington Bear with a suitcase. He is away from home too.

This new chapter of her life can bring new joys too! I hope so.

What else can be done ? Not much . She has a good situation in that you have been able to take her in and help out . Tell her this is how it has to be now and that’s all that’s possible . She can decorate the room and make it feel as much her room as possible .

not sure what else you can say. It might help if you can get other friends and family to also reiterate this and give the exact same message that you are giving .

You say that it’s your house and you will decorate it as you wish. If she doesn’t like it she can find somewhere else to go. For now, she should just wait while she adjusts to the changed circumstances, and be grateful that you have taken her in.