I met a wonderful guy through a reputable online dating app. We’ve been texting daily in the app for a month and there’s a definite connection. I’m in my early 50s, he’s in his early 60s. I’m impressed and touched at the way he cares for his dad who is in his late 80s. He doesn’t complain, he cooks, cleans, shops, jokes with his dad, and makes his life as pleasant as possible. I asked him his plans for the future and he said that he will take care of his father until the end. Then he wants to turn up his romantic life, travel and do him. I’m glad he has a plan for his own happiness. Right now though, getting to know him has been a challenge. We text a few lines and then he has to get back to caregiving. Most times it’s near midnight after he has gotten his dad to bed and done the evening chores. He texts me, texts a line or two and then nothing; Poor exhausted fellow falls asleep and I’m left hanging. He’ll eventuality wake up in the wee hours of the night to send an apology. So far, I’ve not gotten angry. How can I? But how am I supposed to get to know him with little snippets of texts each day? We have talked on the telephone. And I did have a background check run on him, and everything checks out. We have both made it clear that we like each other a lot. And I think he’s worth being patient for. How do we make this work when his day is so circumscribed that there’s no time of day to have his undivided attention to get off a meaningful conversation or just finish a conversation? Am I asking too much? I’m not asking to be number one or number anything. His father is and should be the priority. Every day is a gift at that age. What should my expectations be in this blossoming relationship? He has expressed that he does not want to lose me. Please bring on the advice.
I know it's easy to get hopes up but, what types of information do background checks give you?
Does he have any help caring for his dad?
"...What should my expectations be in this blossoming relationship?..."
Your guy hardly has anytime for himself and much less for a relationship. So, I wouldn't characterize your relationship as "blossoming." It's not going to blossom into anything fulfilling by your expectation. Perhaps after his dad dies. It could be months or it could be years from now.
He needs a bit of relationship outside of his stressful caregiving job. I totally get it and I don't blame him. Caregiving sucks the life out of the caregivers. So he went searching online and met you. Whatever attention he can give you now is probably the most he can give you. Demanding more from him will put extra burden and extra stress on the poor guy, and will result in disappointment on your part.
So, the decision is yours. Accept him as he is and be OK with the little attention he can give you. Or move on. Both choices are not wrong. The wrong choice is staying with him and demanding more attention which he can't give.
Is he the only caregiver to his dad? Is he retired? I was going to suggest to meet him for lunch at work if he still works.
Does he live near you? He must be lonely being his dad’s caregiver. It is isolating.
Do you have a time frame that you are willing to wait? I think that I would be honest with him. I wouldn’t lead him on if I weren’t planning on sticking around.
He is the main caregiver and lives with his dad. He took early retirement to take care of his dad full time.
We are 5 hours away from each other. And with COVID we are not expecting to meet until it subsides to keep our own health and that of the people we care for safe.
We have talked by phone with his father nearby. He was honest and answered my questions. I guess I will give it until it’s safe to meet in person and meet his dad to assess the situation. I think that his stepping up to take care of his dad so his sisters don’t have to take it on and care for their families is sign of a noble guy. Caregiving almost always falls on the females in the family. I know because I did it and how it burnt me out. My brothers had their lives free of caregiving for our mom, dad and sister. Thank you!
The only way I can see your possible relationship working is if you went over to this guy's house and helped him take care of his Dad if this guy allows you to. You would need to learn about his Dad's needs and about caregiving.
As far as this guy being on a dating app, my guess is he is doing this because he needs an escape from caregiving as well as wishful intentions to hopefully have a romantic relationship one day.
If I were in your shoes I wouldn't expect much from this guy because of his caregiving. I would look for someone else who is available in every way.
I say remain friends,(if you want to)but you keep looking for someone that's more available, and in 10 years or more when his dad has died, if you nor him are in a relationship with someone else at the time, you can then revisit this. Best wishes.
Expecting anything more than that would be wildly optimistic and a little unreasonable. But a shared ray of sunshine every couple of days is not nothing, as long as it's not *all* you've got to enjoy.
Trying to "make it work," by the way, must inevitably add to his burden. He Does Not Have Time. And attempting to improve his caregiving productivity - while that might be possible in theory - would be outrageously presumptuous. Don't even think of doing that at this point.
Caregiving is hard and sometimes effects the health of the Caregiver. Their days are focused on one person. Anytime they get is doing shopping and errands. No real time to themselves. Some just burn out. I really don't see this relationship "blossoming" anytime soon. I wouldn't hang my hat on it. Nor, would I go visit and help out after a month.
Go on with your life. Work, enjoy friends, have interests. Even if u saw this guy everyday for a month should you jump into anything.
I like that you appreciate our honesty. Some posters don't.
Time? Energy? His is all spoken for.
You give us a PERFECT picture of what this fine gentleman has left "for you". So you do recognize the truth. It is abundantly clear, and it won't change at all. So............the only question is................
Is that enough for you?
Because nothing here will change, and he has let you know that.
I suggest that this gentleman remain a lovely friend for you.
You can give what you can give, but realistically you will STILL have time on your hands for a REAL relationship, and I would be honest in saying that I intend to keep looking for one on the app.
You may find one. You may not.
You may call him and he may tell you he met a wonderful woman on the app who wants to move in and help care for Dad. Good luck, then, to them all.
Were this me, I would make it clear that our lifestyles have huge differences in needs, and in abilities to give time and attention. I would say "I like you so much. I admire your intentions for your Dad, but right now Dad is your priority, and his needs mean you don't have a whole lot left over; I hope we can remain close friends."
So instead of asking what he can give to you, why not instead give to him; do you make a mean Lasagna Casserole? Be his good friend, and keep that app thing up to date, continue to try to find someone with time for YOU.
Wishing you luck and hoping for update.
I look good on paper, too. In person, I think a guy would be shocked, and not in a good way.
I'd take this VERRRRY slowly, and not get my hopes up.
His dad could live 10 more years. How long do you want to wait?
Sorry, I am SO skeptical of online dating apps. Have a friend ion her mid-50's who fell for a Nigerian money scam---to the tune of about $7K. She THOUGHT she was talking to a 50 yo businessman stationed in Cyprus. Right. The 'guy' was actually a 22 yo Nigerian national who DID live in the 'bad' part of Cyprus and she got far enough into this 'relationship' to fly to CYPRUS and find him.
Needless, to say, didn't end well. She's lucky she wasn't hurt, other than her pride.
"Falling4ACrgvr" is way more gutsy than I would be. Actually, I couldn't do it at all.
Great point about "looking good on paper"- LOL.
I agree there are so many ways people can be scammed or taken advantage of. You're friend was extremely lucky she wasn't hurt in any other way except her pride! Hopefully, she only had to learn that lesson once because if she were to do it again, she might not be so lucky next time.
I would also heed the wise cautions you've been given by other posters. Some accomplished con artists can be very cagey. I'm not suggesting this man is like that, but you don't really know and background checks can be limited.
I wouldn't count on anything except what you have now. His life could change dramatically. But if he hints at needing help, make sure your ears are perked up b/c that could be a sign he's moving to a different level of relationship.
Periodically there are threads similar if not almost identical to yours. Woman meets man of her dreams, they become closer, she wants to help or he expresses a need for help, she becomes a helper, for free, and becomes frustrated b/c she's now a free caregiver, her own life is compromised, and she feels used, which is exactly what is happening.
So just be careful.
And it could be that he has no interest in a long term relationship and just wants a talking friend during this period of caregiving. I would wonder why he posted on a dating app if he's not in a position to date.
That might be something to seriously consider.
Good point that "if he hints at needing help," she should pick up on that being a possible sign. For the reasons you mentioned, it probably wouldn't be a good idea for her to jump into a "caregiving" role to help him out especially at this stage of the game. She might find herself in a position she may find hard to get out off if she discovers it's not all she thought it would be.
I think like "Midkid58" said - take this VERRRRY slowly - it goes with the saying "haste makes waste" - don't rush anything that shouldn't be rushed.
I've found it's better to let things happen naturally - whenever something is forced that's when things often go awry!
6:30am rotations, diaper change, clean up
8:30- 10:30 rotation, check diaper start cleaning up, bed bath/wash down, lube up, make breakfast eat mine first, feed, dress (not lately textures are the current issue) , medicine. Clean her room.
10:30 -11:30 1st load of laundry, clean up kitchen. Thank god my father bought an amazing all in one washer/ dryer. Hourly checks.
11:30 -2:30 it’s hour checks, changes. She sleeps heaviest at this time. I can get a cat nap
2:30-3:30 is make lunch, change diaper, rotation, feed, Treat any skin spot areas again.
3:30-6 is any daily house cleaning, paperwork, errands when I have the help. I’m lucky to have a sister close enough to dads that will do that shopping or sit with mom for couple of hours durning this covid times.
6-8 is make dinner, feed, wash, lube up, diaper, meds, Treat any skin spots, clean room again.
8- 11:30 is second load of laundry, entertainment because it’s when she is mostly awake
11:30-midnight I go to bed, up every 4 hrs for rotation, diaper/ clean up.
from the moment I wake up my phone alarm goes off every hr (welfare/ diaper check) and every 4 hrs When I go to bed (rotation to prevent bed sores, even with good mattress)
This doesn’t even include shopping, errands, doctor appointments, social things like parties or holidays.
this might not be his day now, but it will be when his father gets to weak to get out of bed.
you might want to ask yourself when will he have the energy or the time for you. I’m 49. Date night (maybe and rarely) if he can find outside help. Travel (more then likely isn’t going to happen). There is no magic time frame of when his fathers death time might come it could be 1-20 years. This is his life now and if you sign up it will be yours too. He is painting the rose colored picture for you without the actual details of hard labor, without the daily issues of self harm, urine, Pooh explosions, throw up, medical emergencies etc.
He's created an impression of a dutiful and loving son. Perhaps he is; perhaps he's not. How could you possibly know? And given the distance from him, you probably won't know.
He states he doesn't "want to lose" you. Heads up; he doesn't HAVE you to lose, and it needs to stay that way.
You might try "taking the bull by the horns" and not be so available, or not return his texts immediately. You need to create distance to protect yourself, just in case.
You might want to read this other thread of people in similar situations:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/the-sweetheart-scam-169804.htm
There are at least half a dozen prior threads of women falling for men who pretend to want their companionship, but keep them at a distance, or just take advantage and accept their free help.
A good test might be to back off and let him take the lead in the relationship, and see how far he takes it.
Funny, I just reread her post too and thought the same thing about "how does she know he's doing all those things?" The old saying "actions speak louder than words" came to mind and she hasn't "seen" anything other than his online profile.
Spot on - you said many things I thought of saying in my comment a minute ago.
Obviously being on an online dating app, you've seen this man. I'm just wondering if over the course of the month of exchanging texts if you've "seen" his dad/family (sister, niece) - I don't mean in person but, photos?
I did pick up on you saying "so far, I've not gotten angry" - that already tells me you may be feeling impatient (yet on the other hand, he's worth being patient for). Followed by "how can I?" after he is sending apologies. You've also mentioned being left "hanging" - not a good feeling to have. I guess there's just a couple of things I find troubling but, as I said it's based on experiences as well as studying this type of thing.
Keep a clear head and other options open. I know it's hard to do when one is smitten but, your well-being and happiness is at stake.
Yes, I’m patient. But capably impatient (I’m an attorney). Yes, how can I be angry at a guy for taking care of his dad? He’s not the first guy I’ve talked to online recently in his 50s and 60s to fall asleep during a text or phone call. But he’s the first guy that I’ve ever been this fond of. You get a great conversation started and then boom no response for over an hour. Frustrating. Yes he apologizes. He is aware that this is a problem. It’s his job to fix it. Not mine. I’m not anything to him yet to make any demands. Nor him of me. I’ll keep the dialogue open. I’ll see what progress is made while still being his friend. I’ll keep you updated!
You really don’t know this man. You’re not emotionally invested in his life. You haven’t even met him. You are genuinely interested in him. He has told you that he wants to meet you.
Does he ever get respite? What about when he has a doctor appointment for himself or does he neglect himself due to caring for his dad? Does he find a caregiver for his dad for appointments, or other important issues that crop up in life? Has he given you any clues as to when he would meet you in person?
Does he plan on at least looking into hospice? They provide respite care on occasion. Has he invited you to visit him? Would you go?
Be honest with yourself. At this point there isn’t a relationship. Sure, you have feelings based on your assumptions and a few texts and a voice on the other end of the phone. That’s not a lot to go on. What does your gut tell you? Any bad feelings? Don’t discount those. Trust your instincts. Don’t be easily fooled. Be logical.
I am all for people following their dreams but not in every situation. You do have to look at the entire situation. Are there risks involved? Is it really worth it?
A woman's intuition is her "best friend" and definitely should be listened to and not ignored -- it's built-in for a reason -- to be used!
Food for thought - how many caregivers do you know who don't complain (ever), cooks, cleans, shops, jokes around and makes life for their loved one pleasant 24/7, 365 days a year? He sounds like a "perfect" caregiver, one I only wish I could be.
So far with all the situations I've read on this forum since I joined three months ago, not one in my recollection has that type of story. I am not knocking ANY caregiver on this forum and I think the majority of them are doing fantastic but, they still share frustrations, unforeseen problems that arise in which they ask members of the forum for advice/suggestions etc.
Also, has he mentioned whether or not he's been married before? If so, any idea as to what happened?
When something sounds too good to be true - usually it is.
As far as complaining goes, it’s normal! Even my therapist told me it was okay to get angry over legitimate reasons.
Besides, I truly despise ‘Pollyanna’ types. They are usually fake! Everyone has bad days. No one is upbeat all of the time.
1. Meet them VERY QUICKLY in real life. Covid is no excuse not to meet; both of you wear a mask and sit apart. One excuse leads to 100 excuses.
2. Do not extend the texting and phone calls out for too long b/c that's a red flag. They're hiding something. Either their photo is very old or they've gained like 200 lbs or they're 4'5" tall or SOMETHING.
3. Meet in a coffee shop and sit close to the exit door. That way, you can make a quick escape if need be. And sometimes, need WILL be.
4. They always always ALWAYS sound wonderful on the phone or in texts and emails. They say sweet things, it's perfect. Real life is a whole different story. It's kind of like 'dating' a prisoner. When it's all on paper, it's romantic! It's fun! He says all the right things! YAY! Then he gets out and all h*ll breaks loose. Same thing with the Dating Dot Com scene.
5. Beware of the man who is SO caught up taking care of their elderly parent (or child or friend or client.....) that they have NO TIME FOR YOU. And remember the following phrase if they have no time for you: "He's just not that into you." Because let me tell you something. A man who is TRULY 'into' a woman and truly interested in pursuing her WILL find time to meet her and spend time with her. Period. No if's and's or but's about it.
Meet him. Quickly. Rip the band aid off. Then, if you like him, realize his first priority is his father, not you. His father may live another 10 or more YEARS. Those years will get worse as far as his health goes and as far as how much time your b/f needs to devote to his care. Do you REALLY want that at THIS stage of your life?
This potential b/f is already in his early 60's........by the time his father passes away, he could be 70. Do YOU want to be a caregiver to THIS man in YOUR retirement years??
Just some things for you to think about. Play the field and DO NOT PUT ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET. The men NEVER do when they're on these dating apps. N E V E R. So talk to a few guys and have fun. That's my advice.
GOOD LUCK!
Valid points! Dose of reality in your answer. Love it!
That being said, I would NEVER think of someone who you've chatted with a few times via text and phone as being a "boyfriend", potential or no.
This is an aquaintance and should be treated as such.
Not even getting into dropping out of conversations only to text you back in the middle of the night.
As long as you know that you are being played and are having a good time with it, you are a grown woman that can do what she likes.
His Dad is in his 80's, he could live another decade. Do you want to be waiting for another 5-10 years?
Some texts and a few phone calls are lovely, they may be the beginning of a friendship, but a romance? A relationship cannot blossom when one person is not available.
Is he trying out for sainthood or enjoys being a martyr because he is a glutton for punishment doing the work he is doing.
I really am not trying to be disrespectful but it just sounds strange. Why hasn’t he asked to see you over the weekend if his family gives him a break then?
I am only looking at this from a logical point of view. He’s procrastinating. My question is why?
Still, I wish you all the best but I truly feel that you should move on. Don’t keep investing your time and emotions into something like this situation.
You could ask to meet you for coffee and see what his response is. If he turns you down, he’s a phony. Just how I see it. I may be wrong but I it would show how interested he really is in building a relationship with you. Do you agree? How would you feel if he delayed meeting you? I would say so long at that point.
Some people are reluctant to let in other caregivers as they feel that can’t do the job as well as they can. Some are just not ready to trust outsiders with their loved one. It was hard for me to let anyone take care of my parents. It was a long time before I could hire caregivers and even longer before I fully trusted them. We are in friends status. When I have the ability to go see him then that will be pivotal.
I met my dear DH on an online dating site. By this time in the interchanges, I and most people in any dating situation would be wanting to have some contact with the other party’s friends, work colleagues or relations, to make sure that everything stacks up. I appreciate the 5 hours and the Covid issues, and your extensive checks as an attorney (hard to forget it), but you should be finding another source of information about this guy. Otherwise quite honestly it’s hard to pick whether you or he is the scammer!
I am surprised some of you met spouses on a dating site.
You say that you are an attorney. Great! Use your skills to cross examine him with. Lawyers get to the bottom of issues, right?
Get to the bottom line and then you can make a wise and informed decision.
Knowledge is the key here. The more you know the better because knowing and learning information is what matters. That’s how we gain experience.
You’re playing a guessing game at this point. Are you living out a fantasy with a stranger?
From what I have read, he is basically a stranger, not even an acquaintance of yours because you haven’t even met him. Be realistic about the situation that you are in.
Hey, if it all turns out well, invite us to the wedding! We will lift our champagne glasses to you in your honor.
Just read your response to Glad. I love knowing how people met!
My daddy met mom when his ship was docked in New Orleans. He saw mom from a distance and thought she was pretty so he followed her! Nowadays, he would be described as a stalker, right? LOL
Anyway, his opening line was so cute! He followed her home. She and her sister were on their way back home from an outing. He asked her for a glass of water. Hahaha, now that’s an original pick up line for you, huh?
My dad was so handsome in his military uniform. Mom gave him water and the rest is history.
I asked mom what did she think when daddy asked her for water and she said, “I knew that he had water on his ship so I figured that he was sweet on me. He was very handsome and polite and I saw no harm in giving him a drink of water.”
Oh, and her sister ended up marrying my dad’s brother so they were sisters and sister in laws and brothers and brother in laws and we the children of theirs are double first cousins!
27 ish years ago, my then boyfriend broke up with me, being sad a friend of mine that owned a bar forced me to come be sad at his bar, so I went and didn’t drink. The man of my dreams was freshly back from war and decided it was a great idea to get 😵 drunk @ same bar. He was just so handsome sitting in his corner, watching people, not moving. His friends where dancing, trying to pick up girls. He got up and went to bathroom. I have no idea what came over me but I went and sat in his chair and waited for him to come back. He wasn’t thrilled, but he wasn’t rude. He didn’t pay much attention to me. I gave him my number and left. He doesn’t remember most of it. The next day all his buddies where like if you don’t want that girls number from last night give it to me. So he called asked me out, then literally wouldn’t go away. He told me matter factly on our 2nd date he was going to marry me, took him 8 months to get me to agree, so we eloped less then 72 hrs after I agreed.
he still has that silly scrape of paper I wrote my number on and he still wouldn’t just go away.
Years ago, when the internet was just starting to become popular she was talking about an experiment that she was conducting about conversations with strangers online in chat rooms.
She said that she decided to check it out so she came up with an alias name and age.
She said that she pretended to be a young woman in her twenties and said how interesting and fun that it was and had tons of guys flirting with her.
Then she went into a serious conversation about the dangers of people catfishing online. She remarked how she felt that most people were living out a fantasy.
I would hate to see falling4acaregiver become Falling for a trap!
What do your friends think about this guy/situation and have they given you any advice/suggestions? I'm sure their insights would be very good since they know you much better than those of us who are strangers.
I know someone that didn’t get on the airplane that crashed 9/11. This is a friend who travels 80% of the time for work! He had no qualms flying.
He just felt something odd. Thank God he did not step onto that plane.
The OP has no strange feeling at all about this guy. I think it should be as plain as the nose on her face.
Love is blind! Or in this case, hoping for love in the distant future.
Our hearts are in the right place trying to get the OP to open her eyes and possibly prevent what could be a disaster for her.
Your ‘match’ issues are very different, but they may be just as real. It can be really difficult, and it seems as though it may be difficult for you, whichever way you go. Best wishes.