My sister cares for our mom now and says her health is none of our business. What should we do if we hardly get to speak to her when we call?

Maybe visit???
Do you live too far away???

LADY:

Sounds like sis is holding a BIG grudge. If you haven't called in a long time and left her "stranded" with your mother, I'd be mad at you too. Swing by her house every now and then to show her you still care, don't make any excuses, and apologize if you have to.

Do it for your mother, as I'm sure she misses you too. Good luck.

-- ED

So many of us in this forum are left on our own to care for our parents. Family "scatters" when one person steps up to shoulder the burden. Please believe me when I say that caring for a parent full time is hard work, endlessly stressful, and isolating.
Do you know why your sister is behaving in this manner? Have you offered your help? Have you stayed with your Mom to give Sis respite? Do you visit your Mother often and get involved in her care?
Without knowing your family dynamic it is hard to suggest a solution. Either you are not pitching in enough or Sis has develped a martyr syndrome. Neither senario helps your Mom much. Both of you: Put your Mom's needs first.
good luck

I am trying my hardest to heal a brotherly rift 40 years on. I am the child of one of the brothers.The reason i am doing this is for my grandparents even though past, because i know they wouldnt want this to happen. JUST LIKE I AM SURE YOUR MOTHER WOULDNT. SHE GAVE BIRTH TO BOTH OF YOU. HER ELDERLY CARE SHOULD BE JOINT. DONT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOUR FAMILY BEST WISHES AND GOOD LUCK!!!

Just a guess....are finances involved? Is your mother paying your sister to take care of her? Is she possibly trying to keep that secret thus limiting your access to your mother? Like I said..... just a guess.

Is your Mom living with your sister or is your sister living with your Mom in her house? That would make a big difference right off the bat as to how I would deal with things.

How often do you call?
Do you live so far away that you cannot visit?
It is not clear why you are letting this happen and you are not
letting your mother know that you care.

Need more input to aadvise on this one,Why does your sister feel it's not your business? Is it perhaps due to not pitching in when your Mom needs you? Sounds like there is more to this, I have six sisters in the begining of this 6yr journey they all went out of there way to tell me that if I took our Mom with Alzhimiers/Dementia in that they would HELP ME with her CAREGIVING two yrs into the process THEY BAILED I ended up quiting my job to care for her along with my 17 and 10 year old. My husband brings home the essentials but emotionally it's difficult. I'm not at all Happy when anyone of my sisters calls and says Oh just thought I check to see how MOM is?? It's been 7 yrs now,not ONE of them come by and we live in the same CITY. :(

I went back to LadyM's profile and learned a bit more about this situation from an answer posted on the thread: "How do I deal with my brother-in-laws that only want to help out when it's convenient for them?" Evidently the brother in law influenced her sister to make various financial moves back in 2009. So, this does sound like it is about $.

I think possibly some laws may have been broken here and a lawyer or someone in law enforcement needs to be brought into this.

that is tricky, I was also wondering the same thing the other sue asked, about her funds, are there alot of things or funds that she could possibly talk mom into all of? Do u offer your help on a regular basis, or whenever u can? that does say alot! Maybe u could be more specific on what the real deal is going on behind closed doors, does she have a resentment against u from along time ago? I could go on and on, but without knowing all the facts, its hard to really give u advice on what I would do! get back to us with more info, so we can make a more educated decision, on how u can be of help! let us know please as we do care!

Just keep in mind that the person that gets hurt the most in these things will be your mother. You are her daughter too and she needs you with her as well. Firmly, but politely let your family know how you feel about being shut out and that you aren't going anywhere.

Lady, there definitely appears to be resentment coming from behind your sister's comment. I've been in your shoes and this may sound corny and Pollyannish....but I have found that really the only answer to "melting the ice" in relationships is love. "Love never fails." I think that's from Corinthians. If one of you could break the ice by doing something sincerely loving toward the other, I"ll bet you could get to some genuine communication between you. Talking in person is key. Most people are decent, loving people deep down, but let's face it....we've all been hurt, and by the time someone's in their fifties, they've probably been hurt quite a bit by other hurting people. As they say, hurt people hurt people. It can be hard, I know, but try kindness.

seems to me there is something going on that u are not aware of, and nor are they trying to make u aware of it, whatever it is! Do just what someone else mentioned, say u are her daughter too, and not going anywhere! and maybe if its safe I would just show up there! how does that sound, or is that too much overstepping your boundaries? u know them better than I do!

I am going to agree with Lilliput, are you helping out? Just a phone call now and then to check on Mom is not enough!!. I have two brothers and Mom came to live with me eight months ago and it has been the hardest time of my adult life. My brothers use to call her daily when she lived alone, and we all talked about what needed to be done. The minute she moved in with my husband and I ( married just 2 years), its as if they sighed with relief and vanished. I have to call them to ask them to call at least once a week. Moms condition is much more serious than we realized, and she will NOT go to a doctor. She wandered off for the first time a few weeks ago-we caught it quick because I make sure she is fed three times a day, and it was breakfast time. In the entire 8 months my husband and I have only been out of the house together for 2 hrs, and we rushed home. I absolutely resent my brothers for not pitching in, almost to the point of wanting nothing more to do with them. I was able to trick my Mom into seeing a doctor once and he said if this were a 4 stage disease she is at 3. I work part time from home now, I use to travel every month I can't go anywhere anymore. I asked one of my brothers if he would let Mom stay at his house for a week I had a film festival to attend to screen a project I produced and my husband wanted to go with me because we miss our time together, my brother said it didn't work into his plans, the week before he managed to go on a cruise for a week with his wife. One morning I was hysterical, overwhelmed from the harshness that comes with this disease and asked my brothers what about if I drop dead this is so much to handle, I work nights when she is sleep and am up early to make sure she is cared for, what if I die are you gonna help take car eof her then, the one brother said well we will just have to figure out what to do if that happens; the other said well you know she can't come and live with me. We ended up having my grown daughter with her husband and 3 children come dn from NY to NC to watch Mom so we could go to the film festival-what a sacrifice, her husband had to take off from wk for a week. My brothers think I am superwoman, I am not. I am so sad this is what has become of my mother (and lets not even get into the hostility that comes with this disease), I miss my husband-on weekends he is on caregiver duty and I try to catch up on my work...so we really have little to no time together. Lately I feel like nothing pertaining to her care is any of my brothers business, while they do call and speak to her once a week (if I email at this point and remind them), we are not speaking at all anymore. I do not know if our relationship can be fixed, and as far as the finances response above, that just never crossed my mind...no one would do this job for money, you have to love the person. It is the hardest job in the world to give care to a parent that talks in fairy tales and thinks people can come through the walls and repeats themselves 100 times a day, that no longer bathes unless you make them, that thinks you are evil on any given day, that you use to look to for advice, someone that knew more than you...no I imagine the sibling is really resentlful that she is going through this by herself!

BROKENHEARTED - It might work if you speak with your brothers and give them a specific time to come and stay with your mother. \Talk it over with each of them and ask what night would be good. It is much easier to stick with a specific schedule than to leave it undefined. Settle on one night for each of them and you and your husband can get some time.

Crowe I bet you're right. It's that whole 'love of money' that causes so many problems. Gee, I wonder WHO warned us humans about that???

Elizza, they can't be bothered, they have more important things to do and when I asked them to help out when I needed to go to CA I gave them 3 months notice with exact dates, they told me way in advance "l can't say what will be going on then", and the closer the date came the more excuses on how what was going on in their lives wouldn't allow them to be their for her. Most recently they said if its too much for me to handle put her in a nursing home, when I explained that even though I don't think that is where she should be I can't afford $5000 a month, the response was put her in a government facility, I am not going to do that. She thinks they are saints with their once a week calls, and I will let her think that but I have learned after eight months I am on my own with Mom, in truth my husband and daughter and best friend pitch in. They have no intention of coiming over one night a month, she has not seen either of them since she moved in with my husband and I. They barely saw her before, maybe twice a year...but now that she's with me they are on with their lives.

I am helping with my parents now, almost same situation. I have one brother and love him very much, he handles situations differently than I do, but it is very frustrating and I do feel alone in this. I found the more I share with him about my dads health the more involved he gets at times and I have learned to ask him for help instead of waiting for him to offer. I have tried to think the best for my dad because he truly loves my brother so its not about me its about my dad.

Susan, its the opposite for me, the more I tell my brothers about her condition the faster they run away...I allow my brothers in her life as much as they will participate, but in this moment they are completely MIA and there is nothing that seeminly makes them want to show up.

I am just managing my time in a way where I can learn how to cope without them

i am not saying that this is exactly your case, but i know somebody that did the same to her sister because her sister didn't visit her mother, just wanted to know about her by calling her over the phone and this sister didn't help her with money. so visit her and maybe take care of her for a weekend. I don't know you, i am just guessing.

I do have to say one thing, as a nurse that works in Long term care we often get overwhelmed ourselves with the care that it takes to handle our patients and we get to leave it all there when we leave. For those of you on this thread I have read so far I must say I find you all to be amazing people for the care and love you give those that need you most.

It's very easy to get upset with your other family members for not doing their part, by their part I mean pitching in to help when able out of love not out of obligation. It truly takes strong, compassionate and caring people to provide such good care.

Once again, as a nurse I see families that come in often, and those who do not visit at all. I had one patient that passed away and I could find no family to call. I spent over eight hours of my time tracking down her sister by piecing clues together I found in her personal belongings. No one should die without having someone know about it in my mind. Though it would be nice to be thanked on occasion, even though its not required, would be nice.

So from me to you....Thank you all so much for being the kind of people we should all strive to be. God bless you, and give you the strength you need..

To susan63 - I think you may have nailed it. I am going through the same thing with my father and my sister trying to hide the fact she is being paid, even with a home health care aide also present. My father won't discuss it because she has convinced him that I have an "agenda". Yeah - getting him out of her clutches, maybe.

If you are speaking from experience, how did you handle this? I hope this is not happening to the OP because it is heartbreaking. He is not getting appropriate medical care either from what I've been able to piece together. Hugs to you and the OP.

LadyM,
From all this you can gather that if you want to be involved....then get involved.
Obviously your sister resents you for what she has volunteered to do. It's a gut wrenching job and she feels abandoned. No one knows what they're getting into when they become a caregiver and it's an incredibly rude awakening.
Your sister needs help not phone calls.

Sounds like this situation is rife with family dynamics! In an effort to smooth the waters and make some headway, I might consider writing your sister a letter and asking her what you can do to assist her. So often telephone calls and even visits become confrontations which are counter productive in most cases. Writing a kind, gentle, loving, honest letter does not put your sister "on the spot" for a response and is less likely to be taken as a confrontation or accusation. If providing respite care is not an option (you live out of town, health issues, etc) you may offer to pay for non-medical home care hours to provide some respite. Your local Alzheimer's Association may also offer an annual allotment of respite hours they will pay for (ours is $300.00 per year).

i'm sad to see so many leaping to the conclusion that you aren't doing enough or that it's about money...my sis just plain resents me. i've offered to stay with mom for the nightly caregiver shift to save tons of money but sis ignores my requests...she is now ordering me as to when i can see mom and with which caregivers! it has nothing to do with money or how much i offer to help...she has poa and is a control freak and doesn't want my input or help...tries to shut me out as much as possible! she's away for 3 weeks now but has the caretakers monitoring ME and reporting to her...even threatened me with a restraining order and says I BRING negative energy to the house and drain mom when the truth is she brings the negative energy ON ME and no one cares if i get upset! i'm assuming your sister resents you and is standing in the way...go visit your mom soon and often! if you can, get poa and see if you can move her away from sis before it's too late...you need MPOA and if possible, FPOA...talk to mom when you see her and tell her what sis is doing...praying for you here!!

can you get your mom out of the house for lunch or something? if so, see if you can get her to an estate attorney for free consult...and advice...good luck!

Well I know this may not help but I care for my mom and my mom doesn't WANT to talk to my brother and sister on the rare times they call...which is when she is in the hospital..then they disappear again.. also when they talk to her...she can't help but speak back but because of her breathing problems she starts coughing and gets short of breath. My mom is disappointed and doesn't want to hear the I love yous...she would rather see her adult kids her son wouldn't even talk to her when she was well on Christmas..when she called to talk to her grand kids. All her money is tied up in trust. I always knew this would be my job and I have help..my brother and sister resent me but I try to do the right thing and call when something acute is going on. She is in the hospital now. I called my sister and asked her to call my brother who wont take calls from our area code...She lives overseas but she still could write or call on occasion..she calls RARELY and only for a minute or two. My sister said she would be happy to and thanked me for letting her know what was going on. I said if there is any change or anything to let her know I would ...but if she doesn't hear everything is the same. And she is fine with that FOR NOW. My brother took a large sum of money that was to come to my mom after my father's death.. he was the executor. It was discovered missing by me and now he has to pay it back with interest and lawyers fees it took to get it all sorted out. He is mad because he thinks he is owed the money...even though he was paid handsomely for being the executor and a lawfirm did most of the work whom my dad's estate also paid for. My mom is at home with caregivers 24/7 now..because she can afford it and doesn't want to be in a nursing home..but she is much worse now and needs hospice. I handle all her medical issues..dr visits.prescritions insurance..ect. I have no access to her money..she has a trust officer for that and my siblings know this...as when they want money from my mom they call her trust officer who tells them to ask my mom. She is still capable of making decisions for herself and her personal business...she just relies on me to handle all her medical..as its just one less thing for her and she trusts me...she named me as her HCPOA long before my father ever was even retired let alone after he died suddenly.

I hope that you can write a letter to your mom telling her you are thinking of her..if you are worried that she won't get the letter and it may be intercepted...ask her priest to give it to her or a trusted friend or anyone you know that might be able to visit with her privately without your sister there. Good luck. She may not know you are trying to reach her...or she does and your mom is just angry...angry that she is ill and angry at the world. In that case..you just have to accept it. Offer to help in anyway.. go by when and if you can as much as you can...Write a letter to your sister..it might soften things and help..don't accuse..just reach out. Don't give up..that's what your sister expects...keep at it...she will soften...because she will get tired one day and feel isolated and need to reach out...then she will be comfortable calling you. Good Luck