Last Saturday my dad passed on hospice with an intestinal blockage (that has now occurred twice).. and the Dr's did not recommend surgery for him because of his age, dementia, and other co morbidities.. All siblings had a conference call and agreed that if the blockage didn't clear on its own (like it did last time).. that we would go for hospice and comfort care.
This is the text I just recieved from her.
"On what planet or altered reality was what happened to daddy ok? I’ll never forgive you. I hope you die the same death so you can see what he went through."
I believe she is unstable, uninformed, and I am sure I (as medical power of attorney) did the right thing... I followed advice of the doctors..and we all previously agreed. It was hard to watch him die like that...but she is wanting to put it all on me.. and it is so hurtful.
deep breaths.
Yes, she may be unstable. Unstable people, even stable unstable people, are sent off their rockers by deaths that they are unprepared for; folks who are unstable usually live in a bubble in which everyone is immortal.
Dad made you POA for a reason. You did the right thing.
If you can, ignore your sister's note as the ranting of a person who is not in control of herself right now. I know you want to tell her to pound sand or suck eggs, but if you NEED to say something to her, just say "I know you're hurting right now; we got the best medical advice available and we took it; you're not a doctor and neither am I; I looked to the docs for what they thought was best and that's what I did".
If you answer her truthfully it won't change her mind.
If you are angry back it will escalate.
If you are kind in response she will never forgive you for that either.
So get rid of it and try to forget it. Leave everything to time.
And stop reading anything you receive from her. Do not punish yourself.
Your dad’s body wasn’t working any more. Your choice was kind, intelligent and humane.
His passing was God’s will, not yours.
Your Dad gave you POA because he knew you would make the choice he wanted. You did. Don’t look back.
Forget your sister’s cruel words. You don’t need “friends” like that. After my parents passed, a sibling said some similar things to me. I wish I wouldn’t have let those statements haunt me—but they did. I wish I would have known about this forum. I was silently suffering alone.
I decided I would not put myself in a position to hear that again and cut off communications. I have no regrets.
This forum brings healing.
Golden23 gave great advice—I have maintained close relationships with my nieces and nephews. That has been wonderful.
I’m so sorry you lost your dad. You are not alone.
He did have hospice and we moved him back to the memory care with Mom. Mom and the hospice nurse were the only ones there when he passed. There was one issue with one of the hospice nurses not medicating enough on one of their shifts and he had a period where he was in discomfort and pain before the pain meds could be caught up. All my sibs tell this story of how my father was writhing in pain.. and EVERYTHING around his care was attributed to me. So I also have guilt about that period of time when he was not comfortable... of course it was only an hour or so..but my sibs have magnified it as if it happened all night long.... but I am not happy with him being in pain at all.
We also had a conference call with all sibs and decided on comfort care if the blockage didn't clear again.. so I'm not sure how they are putting this decision squarely on my shoulders.
As for my sister.. she has been known to say some very cruel things in the past... then when she is ready to be back in my life.. she acts as if it never happened. I think right now she is trying to get rid of all the guilt of her lack of involvement by targeting me.
Its so difficult to get past this with no real (family) support. I do go to therapy and I have a support group at the memory care and they have been much more supportive then my family.. also you guys have been very supportive as well. Others here have also been in my situation and I know it is common.
My point is that the surgery your father would have needed would very likely have killed him. Your sisters words show her to be behaving in an irrational manner. People can say hurtful things out of grief and frustration but that doesn't mean those sentiments should be regarded as valid. Just know in your heart you did all you could and acted with concern and love.
I'm going to guess that while wrong to attack you like this, especially by text, your sister is just grieving and in fact taking it all out on you is actually an indication of just how much you were the right person you are, how "safe" and secure she feels in her relationship with you. It's like a teenager telling mom they hate you and will never forgive you for not letting me go to the concert 4 hrs away with the 30 yr old guy they met on-line. Ridiculous we all know and so does the teenager deep down but emotionally they are secure in focusing their negative emotions at you. Your sister may be feeling guilty, earned or not, because she wasn't there or because she did agree and in her mind he was going to come through just like the last time, maybe she chose something over visiting the last time she was thinking about it, was distracted last time she spoke with dad or didn't tell him she loved him, we often have regrets when a parent passes. Grief is a personal thing with many dynamics and it's also a shared thing, hopefully that's a positive thing but in your sisters case it sounds like she is sharing it negatively at the moment. You have every right to be upset with her text, you are grieving too with all the same emotions and not taking them out on her but maybe your relationship is such that in other circumstances you would shluf off that text as sister venting inappropriately? I mean I have a brother who lives on the other side of the country so while he cares and wants to contribute and he does don't get me wrong, he is not a part of the day to day, week to week or month to month care of mom and often just doesn't see why the other brother and I "allow" Mom to be so unreasonable...he often wants to take a logical firm approach with her that while makes sense to us we (other bro & I) know is just going to make her dig her heels in and cooperate less. Hard to explain but the point is he just has a differing approach, says whatever he's thinking without consideration and sometimes it really frustrates or hurts me talking to him, other brother too but we know it's just Bill being Bill. My advice would be to try and put this text aside for now and giver her room to grieve, be angry (probably at herself more than you even though it's directed at you) maybe even angry at the situation more than you personally but you represent the situation as the one with ultimate control. Be inclusive of all your siblings at this time, you need each other and then later when some of this process has happened, after any service, after details, at the right time (you will know it) let her know how hurtful that text was and talk it out when you aren't both angry and highly emotional. As right as this time was for your dad to pass, as right as your decisions for him medically were and as expected as it might be the passing of a parent is simply emotional and that's ok. What is it they say "we hurt the ones we love the most".
I'm so sorry for your loss but happy for your father's peace.