Narcissistic mother now has dementia and needs my care. I don't know where to turn.

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. It is sad news, but, there are options. I'd try to look at it that way. While your mother may have been very challenging to deal with previously, I'd consider that her progression with dementia may likely change some things. My LO was also a very demanding person. She was quite selfish and spoiled and quick to be demanding. However, as her dementia progressed, she became quite different, because her brain changed. The focus then becomes how to manage her care, like feeding, changing, bathing, etc. The speech is lost and so there is no real dialogue anymore.

I might get appointments with all the experts you'll need, like an attorney to explore your rights and responsibilities. You say you are part owners of her condo? Also, explore Medicaid eligibility her assets, long term care insurance, and prepare yourself for what is to be expected for someone with her condition. Most people who are mid stage dementia, really aren't able to live alone. They are at risk of fires, strangers, falls, mistaking medication, eating non-food items, wandering, inability to handle hygiene, etc.

I hope you can find some answers and some support. If you can make arrangements for her care, maybe, you can start some healing.

Your mom needs care. Not necessarily yours.

Have you gotten a "needs assessment" from the local Area Agency on Aging? They will come and assess mom and tell you what her care needs are. They can assess her assets and income and tell you if she qualifies for aid.

Get yourself to a therapist or counselor to discuss why you feel that you need to do this yourself. Your mother's life is HER responsibility.

I agree with Sunnygirl. Check into Medicaid. Medicaid is what pays for a bed in a nursing home. It will be a process to get your mom approved but if she can move to a nursing home it will take much of the day to day burden off of you.

If you tour some places and decide on one you think is the most appropriate for your mom the social worker will help you with the Medicaid process and paperwork.

Get her placed in a home, sell her condo, and live the retirement you wanted to live. Visit your mom but do not be her hands on caregiver.

Dysfunction in early years can cause depression later especially when we have to deal with the parent involved. I know the feeling. I am on antidepressants. If her care is costing you money which is no doubt more difficult due to her proximity perhaps you can transfer her to a facility which she certainly sounds as though she needs with her ailments. This may not solely solve everything but you could remove yourself from seeing her daily which is only worsening your feelings. Then maybe you can find small ways to help yourself further.

I’m so sorry you have to go this alone with your husband. Excellent suggestions here. I, too, went through the same thing with a mom who was the only child that developed dementia and BAM, I was the only sibling to care for her.
I made appointments for as many doctors for her care. I would send a letter to the office regarding my specific concerns of her issues prior to the appointments so that they knew before she was seen. Any discussion from me in front of mom would send her to the roof!
Also, check into Area on Aging! There are facilities in some states that offer Medicare beds in well rated Board and Care homes and Assisted Living Facilites although very limited in most counties.
Maybe consider a service such as Comfort Keepers or someone to come in 2 or 3 times a week to hang out or care for your mom to give you a break. Use a good well rated company so that if the caregiver is sick they will replace her with someone that is personality matched with your mom.
Long Term Care Insurance if you mom does not have any, unfortunately might be hard to get at this point in her diagnoses.
Now about you! You need a break! I went 10 years doing this and I was a stress case the entire time. Depressed, a ball of nerves, and guilt tripped the entire time! Take a vacation even if it’s for the weekend. Have someone come take care of your mom and you and your husband leave! You have siblings that can fly in to be emergency contacts if need be. Do NOT feel guilty! You deserve it and need to take a break for your own mental health and physical health. I waited 8 years before I did and I’ll tell you, I fell like a new person and it helped me deal with my mom’s situation and her in a whole new way.
You have a slew of friends and help here and we’ve gotcha! We will be your siblings in your venting and suggestions! We will never go away so comeback to us anytime. Your good works and love toward your mom will be greatly rewarded when you get to look back on it someday! Already you are a hero in my eyes!

Here’s the link for your state. It is the 1915(c) waiver regarding the state services for elderly and waivers for assistance. Each state’s Area on Aging should provide this info. Also call your local Ombudsman Office. They actually are amazing with community resources and assistance as well.
http://ahca.myflorida.com/Medicaid/Policy_and_Quality/Policy/federal_authorities/federal_waivers/index.shtml

Oh hell no!

Get her assessment done, get her placed and go enjoy your life.

You have zero obligations to be her hands on caregiver.

Making sure she is in a facility that provides her with her needs is the only requirement that you are obligated to. It utterly floors me that narsisitic parents think they can steal their adult offsprings life.

Choices have consequences and hers is that her daughter goes back to being a daughter and leaves the caregiving to the pros.

You and your husband worked hard and it wasn't so she could continue to keep you feeling like crap so she has it nice.

Sorry if I sound harsh but I have walked in your shoes and I have no tolerance for this or people that make it seem like you get some reward for giving up everything for your parents. A truly loving parent would never ask or expect their children to sacrifice everything for them.

Hugs, it is okay to place her in a facility on Medicaid and if your siblings give you any flack, tell them to come get her, period.

Thank you to everyone who responded. I'm new to this site and still a bit confused about the forum format, so I hope I'm replying properly.

On the medicaid- my mom has both income and assets, so I don't think she would qualify.

When we purchased her condo it was about a 50/50 split and it is deeded in her name and also my name and my husbands. We set it up as rights of survivor-ship, so eventually the condo will be owned by just me and my husband (if I survive this!). I now regret this, but at the time it seemed like the best solution. She is literally next door to me. She really likes the condo, it has a nice view, and she brought all her nice furniture and has it fixed up to her liking. I was thinking I would be looking after her for the long haul, so I thought the proximity, plus the privacy of her having a separate place was the best thing. Way better than her living WITH me. That was my thought process at the time and my husband was agreeable. My mom was thrilled.

Because she can still do most things independently, like feed herself, take her meds, bathe herself, and is reasonably mobile I thought it would be okay for awhile. At that time I was still in denial about the dementia.

Four months in and here I am, the mess I described in my first post. I had no idea the dementia would be so hard, or how progressed it was as she can hide it in certain situations. She just doesn't say much or will blame her old stroke. Maybe she herself is in denial? I don't know, but it's clear to me the dementia is there. Based on my research it will also progress. In fact it HAS progressed. I now clearly see why her friend wanted her to move here so badly. She saw it then.

Prior to her moving I thought she was okay enough that she would be able to socialize on her own, make new friends, find things to do. She does NONE of that and I have no clue how to help her make friends.

Today I emailed our local senior center and asked about activities. I also set up a "wine and snacks" early eve get together with an older friend of mine who lives close that I've known for a few years. Hoping maybe she can become friends with my mom too. Beyond that I have no clue. Also it's hard for me to picture my mom going to a senior center and doing activities, so I don't have high hopes on that one.

What I do know is I can't be it ALL. I don't want to be around her negative BS and narcissistic ways so this entire thing is a challenge. Being around narcissistic people is such a drain, and it's always been that way with her. Everything is about HER ONLY. All conversations are one sided. I don't think she really knows or appreciates any of her kids. Only what they can do FOR HER. Then there is the abuse if she isn't getting enough attention. The little digs. Like Sunday night she was at my place because I asked her if she wanted to come over and have dinner and then watch football with me and my husband. She came over, but then got annoyed I was watching the game and not giving her my undivided attention. So she started complaining about one of my dogs (who was doing absolutely NOTHING but laying in her bed) that she didn't like "that one" because she was "too needy" and then tells me I made the dog that way. It's MY FAULT the dog is needy according to her. She goes on about this for about 20 mins, I looked at my husband and he just rolled his eyes. Absolutely nothing warranted her stupid rant, but it was MY FAULT.
I could give hundreds of examples.

As for assessments, I plan to address this when she has her neurology appointment in March. I appreciate the tip about sending the doctor a letter beforehand so she doesn't flip out if she doesn't like my questions. Since this will be her first visit to this doctor, to establish, I wonder if I can still send a letter ahead of time? I'll have to call them and see. Hopefully I can. I really need to fully understand her vascular disease and how fast this is going to progress.

Thanks for listening.

I am the daughter of a NPD mother who has moderate to moderately severe dementia. I have been going to a counselor to learn how to set boundaries as I have both a mother and brother with NPD. I would recommend this type of counseling. It will free you in your mind. You will never change a person with NPD. You can ruin the years you have left with your husband if you don't decide to stop catering to her nonsense. You can help your mother with things that are true boulders in her life - taking her to doctors' visits, etc. but you are NOT responsible to be her social life. You can learn to set up emotional boundaries so you are not tormented by the mental abuse of the NPD mother. My mother also has assets and desires to remain in her home. My NPD brother fires anyone who has been hired to help - cleaning lady, gardener, etc. and will not allow a caregiver to help. Dealing with him is even worse than her. I am learning to identify NPD talk and ignore it or laugh at it but realize that I will NEVER be validated by my mother in my lifetime. So it's time to stop looking for her approval.

I feel for you, I am in the same trap, except that my Mum is a 10 minute walk away.
in order to preserve my own sanity i have set boundaries of what I am prepared to put up with from her. If I am at her house or out with her and she starts blaming me for everything that is wrong or has ever been wrong In her life, I just get up and say I don’t want this conversation with you yet again and I am going home before I get angry and if necessary leave her in tears, because when she used to be unable to control me she used to get up and slam out of the room, but she can’t do that now so she cry’s.
I am an only child and I can honestly say I don’t love my Mum and on,y moved her close by because she was struggling living alone and I, like you, felt guilty that she was using her neighbour as a carer. It was the worst decision and she moans about having moved all the time. If I could I would put her back where she was in a heartbeat and just get carers in.

i am on anti depressants and still work full time even though I am 67, I would love to retire but she would then just think I should be with her 24 /7. Our retirement plans are on hold because they involve us moving away from here to sunnier climes.

All i I can say is that I make sure I have a bit of me time at least once a week, take a yoga class, go out for coffee alone, take up a hobby that takes you away from home for a few hours it helps.

i don’t believe in God so I won’t say god bless but keep strong and invest in yourself and your husband before she sucks you dry. Px

Awh, so sorry to hear this. Yes, caretaking is depressing, even for those who are not prone to it. You have basically described my mother, although, she still live 800 miles from me and my brother. I am the oldest and have always been the scapegoat and punching bag, my brother was the golden boy, although abused, not to the degree that I was. I have not spoken to my mother for 8 years, no one else in the family speaks to my mother either, only my brother when he has too. We now call him the "Golden Goat". She is defiant, won't move, if you ask her to do this, she will do that. Something will happen, then we will place her in a home, now we just sit and wait. I am 72, have had nothing but elder problems and estates to deal with since retiring, this is not what I envisioned. Have you considered moving her into AL? Do you have her POA? Remember you are entitled to a life too. My Best!

If your mom has financial means you can hire a companion through a service like Visiting Angels. I've used them with great success. This is a compromise, that you can have your mom near and keep an eye on her but she'll have company to drive her places and take care of her needs but you will have a boundary so she can't abuse your good graces.

My mom lives next door to me, she's 90. I don't think she has NDP and she wasn't abusive but she is a negative, skeptical, pessimistic person who barely sees boundaries. She had her whole life to make friends but didn't. I've gotten over the delusion that I'm responsible for her happiness. I'm not her entertainment committee. So now i no longer feel guilty when I go out with neighbors and i don't allow her to "tag long". She had her chance. Plus she's Debbie Downer. I do love my mom but as I said, she's had her chance.