My husband and I had to take over the care of my elderly MIL from my SIL.
A little background...My husband and I lived in another state. My SIL was continually asking to borrow money for my MIL's medicine and assistance to pay her property taxes...which we have done for the previous 5 years.
My MIL's property was paid for. She has almost 3 acres and had a tiny 3-bedroom trailer. Between her SS and husband's pension, she should have been able live comfortably.
One day my MIL decided she was going to run away from home and come to TX. Thinking she just wanted a break, Hubby drove to her home, picked her up.
He was shocked by what he saw.
The property had been overrun by junkies.
Her daughter, daughter's ex-husband, 3 children, their spouses, and 3 great grand babies, were all living on the property.
The trailer was in shambles with holes in the walls and floor, 5 outside dogs, 11 inside dogs, grass 4' tall. Drugs growing in the garage... you name it...
They all had money for drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol but no money to pay bills, or purchase mom's medicines. They ran up her credit cards, ran the phone bill so high it was shut off.
SIL also even now bullies "mom" into giving her money. We aren't looking at 40.00 here and there, sometimes it's hundreds...with "I have to have it"..with an "or else" tied to it. Or else I'll be sleeping in my car, I won't be able to go to work,..etc" yet she always has money for pizzas, fast food, taking her grandchildren skating, running around with friends, staying in hotels, etc.
MIL did not want to leave the property permanently - as her husband had died there.
Anyway, Hubby moved to her place.
He made it as uncomfortable as possible to stay there. Phone was shut off, (put mom on ours), cut off TV, power to their camper. After a few calls from Social Services, and literally physically assisting the police with arrests...they all left.
1.5 years later, hubby had the property cleaned up enough to put a nice double wide trailer on it and have a septic system installed. (Here a lagoon is all that is required).
Yes, the property is in MIL's name with my husband as the beneficiary. MIL and we also are making payments.
MIL's care became difficult for my husband so, I retired from my job, moved "home".
I take excellent care of my MIL. In fact, she is spoiled and with God as my witness she deserves it.
People drive by our place now and actually stop to tell my husband he is doing an excellent job and that place is looking so nice.
The local first responders (who were out here many times -not for MIL - for calls that were drug related) have mentioned some of the things they observed and have expressed their relief that MIL is now "safe".
Problem: my SIL and Niece (neice is now clean) have been telling relatives they are going to sue us for the property when mom dies because FIL verbally promised the property to them.
Do they have any standing? I wouldn't think so but I don't know for sure.
BUT, my SIL is very conniving. I don't trust her. When she comes over, things disappear, mom gets stressed - starts looking for money in her wallet, (without telling us "why"..which we already know.."why"...) and
Now she is trying to take mom out by herself "just to be with her".
Mom does not have a will, but has made my husband the beneficiary to her life insurance and property.
MIL's memory is really poor. She will ask me 15+ times while we are waiting at the Dr.'s appt. why she is there. I always answer, never raising my voice and always behaving like it's the first time she's asked...because to her it is.
SIL will take advantage of her memory issue whenever possible.
Suggestions?
Its as if she thrives on causing problems and anguish for everyone around her.
She knew her son molested her grandson. She told him to be quiet about it. Then, she brought a mentally diminished woman with a small child, into her mother's home to be a couple with this son. When she found out that Social Services were coming to check on her mother, she moved them all out to a town 30 miles away, leaving her mom in a beaten down trailer, with wood planks to walk across the floor on.
SIL other son is a junkie. Just a bum who refuses to work any job and smokes pot - for "medical" purposes.
SIL dtr is absolutely evil. - The police know her by name. And I don't need to elaborate further on that one. She's a recovering addict naming her baby after the "wife of Satan-Lillith " if a girl or "Lucifer" if it's a boy.
SIL x husband who lives with her on and off, used to shoot up her son with heroine and other chemicals while he was sleeping.- yet she takes him in everytime.
While SIL took care of my MIL she was severely neglected.
Mom remembers none of this. Her dtr can do no wrong. I know MIL only wants peace and does not want to deal with conflict. But she badgers MIL into giving her whatever she wants.
Added to this: My husband refuses to deal with it.
I work from home and take good care of my MIL while my husband is at work.
I make very good money and care for the majority of the bills. His money is mostly used for food and supplies between paydays.
BUT I can't work, care for mom, and deal with my S'sIL nuttiness, too.
I'm tired, angry, resentful, and frustrated.
Thank you for letting me vent....
Also document EVERYTHING. If you had and before after pics of the property that would be super. Ask authorities if on there previous “visits” to the drug infested trailer if they can give you copies of their reports, describing the bad living situation. From this point on, try and document ALL contact between you/your husband/MIL and SIL. Even if you can get your SIL or niece to only contact you through email, so what they say is in writing. Definitely contact elder law attorney. Also, in regards to documenting everything. Ask him what phone recording law are in your states…can you legally record phone calls or video visits where your SIL is involved?
I doubt SIL will sue because as another said, it takes money. However there are enough desperate lawyers out there who could help her (doubtful, but possible).
I think your “safety and peace of mind” lies with being prepared and documenting as much as possible. Get that will, and with SIL drug history, I’m sure you and MIL will be ok. Good luck!
I posted pics of the deplorable conditions on FB. The paramedics and police who responded quite frequently have expressed concern for MIL. I'm not sure how much they would put in writing.
I've spoken to the police depth. They can pull up their records if ever there was a legal need.
I've been given advice from the police which I am following. I have spoken to an Elder Law attorney and am following his, too.
I guess this is going to be a one day at a time thing.
You and your husband sound like great people and I'm happy your MIL's business is all straightened out.
As for your SIL and niece threatening to sue because your FIL "told" them the property was theirs... Please that is ridiculous. My father said I could have a pony when I was a little girl. Should I have tried to sue him in my adult life because he didn't make good on his word? LOL. They would get laughed right out of court with that one, providing such nonsense even makes it that far. No lawyer will even take that seriously so don't worry.
If your SIL claims she's clean and sober, tell her to prove it. Drug testing kits are available at pharmacies everywhere. She wants to take her mom out "just to be with her" then fine. She should if she's clean and sober. Not if she isn't though.
Your husband needs to make sure his mother's money and assets are tied up tight though. I mean MIL can have no access to any money that does not go through him. Take her to a lawyer to get a POA done and a Will. This is very important because if your hubs doesn't do it, his drug addict sister will. Make sure anything of value at MIL's place is locked up good or removed from her house.
All addicts lie and the all steal. The test of time is what rebuilds trust and a long time of regular testing proving they are clean and sober.
You must make an appointment with a reputable Elder Law attorney right away. They fully comprehend how to legally safeguard MIL and her property and can navigate the family dynamics. By doing so, this also protects you and DH—who are actually trying to do what’s best for mom—from future lawsuits. Predatory relatives have no scruples and are tireless when it comes to getting what they want.
We had a situation where a SIL (who lived in another state) was using my brother’s illness and disability to get money from my mother, supposedly for his care. It was actually going to buy new cars, trips, and extravagant home and garden decor while my brother spent his days confined to a wheelchair or isolated in a room sleeping on a mattress on the floor. I guess SIL didn’t realize others could see the goodies she bragged about on Facebook. She would also come crying to my mom when her property taxes were due. I later looked up her home’s tax records, and it was clear she never bothered to pay them. The last straw was when she secretly got my mother to co-sign a luxury car loan. I found out about it when SIL missed making payments, and the bank was sending my mother threatening letters which upset her enough to show them to me.
My mother agreed to meet with the EL attorney who had done her trust and will. After meeting with us and reviewing the evidence, he sent SIL a ‘Cease and Desist’ letter demanding she refinance the auto, warning her about Elder Financial Abuse investigation, and to have no contact with mom. It worked. My only regret was not realizing earlier just how far the abuse had gone. If I had listened to my guts instead of my mother who thought she was doing the right thing, it could have been stopped a lot sooner.
Please... take action, don’t delay! You have more than enough evidence (and actual police records) to show a history of abuse. In the meantime, document the abuse by keeping a record of what you see/hear, and take screenshots of any texts or social media. This will help back up your claims.
Since SIL is always going to be looking for an angle, consider making sure that MIL is mentally competent when she makes all these legal documents. Get a medical doctor to declare her mentally competent. If she isn't. apply for guardianship.
Get an iron clad will. Leave a little money to SIL to keep her happy. But if she demands more, you can always say she got hers in cash by constant hand outs. Id also keep a running tab of 24 hour care. That way if SIL complains, you can say this is what we did. And you have it for court if needed.
Id stop letting her in the house. She can meet at a restaurant. That way no items missing, no searching for the purse, and no money. She is there with you, so no asking for money. Tell her the tap is stopped in case MIL needs more care in home, or in a nursing home. She has to save her money. Dont let SIL take mom out alone. She can have her sign checks or credit. Who knows. Tell her she isn't allowed on the property since items went missing. Don't open the door, until she has made an appt to come over. Get some cameras. Change locks. Keep all vehicles locked.
My sibling said my dad had a will and she had it. Either she did, and didn't like what was on it, or didn't have it. Even told 2 lawyers she had it. I had to go to court. It is a pain. And it costs $$$.
Get a will! Or the govt will step in.
SIL can say she will sue all she wants. She needs $$$ for a lawyer.
She has to prove Father said he would give her the land. If he wanted to it would have been in a will. And the property reverts to wife so she has some place to live. Very hard to prove hearsay. Don't worry. You have proof with police/fireman what was going on there. That's always a plus.
Good luck.
"Problem: my SIL and Niece (neice is now clean) have been telling relatives they are going to sue us for the property when mom dies because FIL verbally promised the property to them.
Do they have any standing? I wouldn't think so but I don't know for sure."
I'm addressing only these issues.
1. It's unclear to me whether or not the SIL and squatters are still on the property. If so, and depending on the state, there may be laws that require they be treated as tenants, and evicted pursuant to state statutes.
2. Question no. 1 would also affect whether or not the squatters (?) have any standing, in legal terms.
3. Whether or not they were verbally promised any interest depends on the state's statutes of verbal commitments. This is a question only for an attorney knowledgable of apparently undocumented and ALLEGED promises. Oral contracts can be iffy and vary from state to state, although at one time they generally weren't honored (based on what I've read).
4. So the issues are twofold: whether any verbal commitment was made to the SIL (and niece) and whether or not any such commitment would have been valid if it was made.
5. There may be another issue but I don't have the knowledge or experience to address it, so I'm just raising it for consideration. It's the fact that you are making payments on the home. I can't recall the legal term for accrual of an interest by virtue of making payments, and don't even know if it's a concept any more. But it needs to be addressed, just in case it might be valid. I.e., you may have a vested interest by virtue of the payments, and that interest may factor in to the SIL's claims of alleged rights.
These are complex issues and should be answered by an attorney with real estate experience, on contested issues. While there is an ancillary elder law issue, it's not the governing issue.
Good luck. I'd be interested in knowing what an attorney advises.
She must not again ask her mother for money. MIL is not able to consent to giving her gifts and to persist with this is emotional and mental as well as financial abuse. If SIL does continue to discuss her financial difficulties with her mother, then you will need to go legal on her because not to do so would be neglect. Take advice.
FIL's verbal promise has no status, but as to what happens to the property when MIL no longer needs it - does DH care very much? I only ask because it can be consoling to remember that there are some fights you never need to have.
absolutely no visits alone.
i know you said she has no money but the land, housing and the money have put into the property are worth something.
Your SIL could contest but doesn't mean she is right. A Will should say why a person is not inheriting. In your SILs situation it can be said all the money Mom shelled out to her previously is her inheritance. Your niece? Grandchildren are not left anything in Wills usually. With me, my children only. If they want to give anything to their children that's up to them. There is a "trickling" effect. This means you can have it written that if a child dies, their inheritance will then go to their children, the grandchildren.
Ask a lawyer how a beneficiary is viewed legally. Can this be contested? If SIL contests, she will probably need a lawyer, can she afford that?
Just a thought...l so hope you kept any receipts in what it cost you and DH to clean up the place. Any costs in getting the squatters off the property. Cost of getting rid of the old trailer and putting in a new one. Because if SIL does contest, then half of your costs you may be able to deduct from her inheritance. Its her fault the clean up was needed.
Dad promising SIL would get the property...he is gone and it was not put in writing. I hope Dad had a Will and Mom inherited the property so the decision what to do with it is hers. If he died without a Will, then the State steps in and determines who inherits. Usually the wife gets a % and the children a %. Another good question for a lawyer. Please, get you ducks in order. Will save a lot of problems after Mom dies.
If no one is her PoA and a certified elder law attorney deems she is not competent to create one, then I would definitely pursue guardianship of her. That will put an end to SIL's ability to influence her. She can't change her Will after a diagnosis of dementia.
I'm not an attorney but SIL probably won't be able to sue anyone if she doesn't have a strong enough case and no funds to pay the attorney. Not to mention her speckled past / arrests, warrants, etc will be sure to come up in court.
Kudos to you for the a-mazing work you did on MIL's behalf. Blessings!
Best out to you; wonderful the care you are giving your MIL.