Need more patience, how do I get it?

Please, please do NOT allow her to live with you if she has dementia - it will get worse and YOU and your entire life will be torn to shreds. This behavior is intolerable and no matter what you do or say, it will only get worse. Don't get involved in her care - it is just too much. Place her and be active with visits and calls - let her be cared by those who are trained for this - not you.

Patience is a difficult virtue to develop later in life, I think. But it can be accomplished. One key is “expectations”. When our own expectations in a matter are not met by the other person, we get impatient or angry or discouraged because our own expectations (or our belief that we have a solution that another should agree with) are rejected. Frustration ensues, and we think we must convince the other person to change to our own point of view.
So then it makes sense to examine our own expectations, to re-examine what we are attempting to impose on another person’s life, a life they HAD BEEN in charge of for all of their years. And then make gentle changes according to their preferences.

And, even with a person with dementia, it makes sense to examine THEIR expectations, or just their responses, if possible, because that can teach us about how to better communicate and reach them in some cases.

Example: “mom, you SHOULD eat breakfast, lunch and dinner”.
Instead, specific questions or suggestions: What do you like to eat? Would it help to have small plates prepared for you, etc. You already know those things, but my point is, instead of saying “you SHOULD or you HAVE to…”, it might be more productive to enlist their input so they feel ownership or investment in the decisions that impact their day to day lives. If they can’t, that’s another problem to solve.

These suggestions here are probably already known to you and I hope I don’t sound patronizing, but, when we are busy and sometimes swoop in to quickly check on mom’s welfare, we sometimes forget how we sound in our hastiness. Or, in our frustration and emotional panic, our responses are not thoughtful or empathetic (or correct).
I am trying to remind us to relax a moment, be present, be WITH our loved ones. To listen, even if you don’t/can’t agree. Be silent regarding your judgments and criticisms. Instead, say “how can I help you today”? Show them you are listening. They can tell.
Demonstrate love, by loving gestures and small kindnesses.

You know how important it is to not feel powerless.
Best of luck in your decisions.

I too am dealing with the same issue with my mother, who turned 90 today. She has been diagnosed by 4 different doctors with severe cognitive impairment but will tell you no doctor told her that. We have printed the reports over and over and she throws them away. We took her car about 2 and half years ago and she has never gotten past that. Every day we get dozens of emails saying the exact same thing. "No one told her she couldn't drive, we are bullies and stole her car." She mostly refuses to participate in any family events and is depressed all of the time. She lives alone and certainly should not be, but unless we get conservatorship we can't do anything. We have POA and it is not enough to make her go to a memory care unit.
Sad but I keep hoping she will get worse and she won't continue to send the hateful emails.
So I don't have any advice, I have completely run out of patience with my mother. It is difficult for me to even want to visit her. Fortunately, we have a woman who checks in on her a few days a week, but it isn't enough.

There is a lot of good advice here, so I won't repeat it. Understand that your patience will not improve until she starts to relent. Unfortunately, as her dementia progresses, she will probably commit an act or have an accident that will force your hand. That could still occur, even if you moved her in with you. You could start by having different people to check in on her. That could be a sitter, friend or "housekeeper". In the meantime get her affairs in order and prepare to find her a facility. My mother fought me " tooth and nail" in her fight for independence. After she broke her hip, I was forced to place her in AL. After 4 mos., my sister selfishly decided to take her out of this environment, but only during the evenings. I still paid for AL (as daycare). But, this only lasted for about a year.... they fought constantly! It was a battle of wills and this was just from the hours of 5:00 pm to 7:00am!
I wish you the best and know that having other siblings involved is not always a blessing.

Joyce4me: Imho, I do NOT advocate moving your mother in with you and your boyfriend. Your mother should find facility living - or actually you should do that for her as she has dementia.

I would suggest if at all possible, find a place for her. It is soooo hard to care for someone who doesn’t want to be cared for “because there is nothing wrong with me”. Or “I can take care of myself” coming from someone who forgets to take her meds, or loses them, who starts fires on the stove, or in the oven, or sparks flying in the microwave. When they have dementia they loose ALL ability to reason. Judgement goes out the window. It is a 24/7/365 job. With NO regard for you. They get very selfish and they are right all the time. Even though they can change their mind about something, they will swear they always thought “that way”. It is turmoil on top of you being exhausted, putting an unbelievable strain on any relationship. I am 10yrs into this with my mother. We have good days, but not often. She has called the police on me because she didn’t get her way. They came with lights & sirens at 10pm! Then I got a stern talking to about her calling them “for our family disputes”. I didn’t know she called them until I heard the sirens and she said “you are going to be in trouble now”. Which brings me to their sneakiness. She took the phone and called the operator from her bathroom!! She didn’t call 911 because she forgot how! She is having hallucinations and you can’t tell her it is not possible that the event did not happen. Which goes back to you can not reason with them. At 96 I can’t put her in a facility now after 10 years taking care of her. It would literally kill her.
Think about this long and hard before you make a decision. All of this I never would have imagined from my mother, who was the most caring, unselfish person who always thought of others first. She has no clue how much work she is.
Good luck with your decision. Prayers for you.

Personally I think your mom is in a transitional stage. Alzheimer’s and dementia never get better, but they develop at their own speed for each individual person. I think your mom will resist help until she becomes worse. She will not know it, but you will. Soon or later there will some kind of circumstance in which you will have to make a decision. I would use the time that have now to make sure you have all the POAs and your mom’s finances in order, for when she becomes incompetent. For now maybe a part time caregiver or companion might work, but probably not for long. Also, look into Medicaid if money is going to be a concern.

Denial makes her feel more in control. But dementia is dementia. If she’s not ready to move in with family maybe hiring an caregiver or aide to assist her with medication reminders, meals, misc tasks around the house, would make her feel still independent and in control. If you try to move her forcefully, she’ll hate you for undermining her authority. Watch over her carefully for signs that dementia is fully set in and she is in total need of additional care. Dementia is awful and no one wants to realize they have it.

I am glad so many are advising you against moving your mother in with you. Any other solution would be better than having her move in. She will certainly begin to need a lot more care than you can handle yourself and a lot more than your boyfriend would tolerate.

I think it's time to put her into a full time facility to get the care she needs. I hate to say this but I don't think you can do this all by yourself.

Your mom not only has dementia but she also has anosognosia - the inability to be aware of her true mental and physical health. The problem is that she can put herself and others into danger because she isn't aware of her limitations.

I suggest you have your mom visit a local family lawyer with you while she still feels "in charge." Explain that is will be helpful for her - and you - to have her legal paperwork completed now. She will need a will, power of attorney for medical affairs (name you as the person to make those decisions) and power of attorney for financial affairs (name you as the person to make those decisions), She might also want to get an advanced directive to outline if she wants CPR, mechanical ventilation, liquids and nutrition if she is unable to express her wishes.

I suggest you enlist the help of her doctor. The doctor needs to evaluate for mental competency. If your mom is not mentally competent, then you will need to start using those powers of attorney. Have the doctor explain what your mom can and can not do. Follow-up by writing those "do's and don'ts" and posting them in a couple places your mom will see them.

Ask the doctor if it is time for move in with others - like you. If the doctor says "yes", then start making plans for mom to either move in with you or into a residential facility.

* I would not recommend she move in with you. Take this advice to heart. (See last sentence here.)
* I encourage you to go to TEEPA SNOW'S website to learn more about dementia and how to manage / communicate / cope with challenges. Teepa is one of, if not, the country's expert on dementia.
- There is NO "I'm trying to talk her into moving in" - she cannot make these kinds of decisions. You need to understand this and make plans accordingly. If you do not have POA, then you may have little weight in decision making.

-- BE SURE TO HAVE MD DIAGNOSIS paperwork - so you can move forward as you need to.

* Many people with dementia do not know / believe they have it. That is why it is such a difficult / challenging, if not tricky, situation to deal with -

* Cease saying words / phrases like "looney tones" - this quality / type of communicating will not support her overall. Be gentle, firm, kind.

- You might say (as I tell my clients) "I forget too - it happens with age."

- Always avoid arguing. This is a set up that has no positive end result and only causes more emotional upheaval / frustration - for both of you. In HER EYES, SHE IS RIGHT AND WILL ALWAYS BE RIGHT. So, you need another strategy: acknowledge her words and do what is necessary, within your legal boundaries.

* The 'BRICK" is DEMENTIA. Yes, you will continue to encounter it. You need to understand that your mom does not have the brain cells / chemistry to manage her own life / decision making.

* Cease phrasing such at TNT. This type of language doesn't help anyone involved although I realize it is how you feel / want to express yourself. I encourage you to consider your words carefully - stop - before they come out of your mouth. Some words can be very hurtful and slow down the needed decision-making / process. Be kind - to yourself - and firm and kind - with your mom.

* DO UNDERSTAND what you are taking on by 'inviting' her to move in with you and your boyfriend. I believe you have no idea - it is a kind gesture with ongoing, never-ending responsibilities for a multitude of situations that will come up. It will be frustrating and effect your primary relationship. You are 'too young" at 50' (or 60 or 70) to take this on in your own home. She will consume your entire life.

--- The life you know now will be over. Frustration and gates, locks on doors, and more (incontinence, bowel movements in closets - the list is endless). You don't want to take this on unless ABSOLUTELY necessary. Get your mom help in her own home where she lives now.

* Please talk to others; find other resolutions. You must keep a 'safe, secure, space for YOURSELF (and your boyfriend).

* If you do not have POA status, check into it. If she won't allow it (you need MD diagnosis ASAP) to move forward.

CJL . . . below said: (I copy important responses for emphasis).

"If you want to keep your sanity, don't move her in with you and your boyfriend. It will put a major strain on the relationship between the two of you and he can walk away. You can't. Dementia doesn't get better, it only gets worse as time goes by. In my opinion there should only be one move and that's into assisted living. Not knowing anything about your moms finances, I hope that's an option for her. With what you described, it doesn't sound like she is safe at home alone. Maybe telling her that she is moving to a new home of her own might be easier for her to still feel independent. Hugs and prayers for a good future for you and your mom!"

Gena / Touch Matters

Hi Joyce,

I too am an only child, no children and no spouse at this time. My Dad began declining slowly in 2015 with dementia. I attended seminars through department of the aging and listening to others experiences. No two are alike. When I realized he was getting meds mixed up in 2017, etc and had an eposide which later was diagnosed as anxiety he was in hospital and then rehab for 30 days then I had Dad come stay with me for a month. During that time I interviewed companies that could provide help for meals and meds. Dad bounced back fairly well and wanted to go home.

I found private help as a referral from a rehab employee. She came in for breakfast and dinner and ensured he took his meds in pill boxes. I was close to having Dad move in but with the help at his home it eased the stress somewhat BUT I had to find other help after she quit after 1 year. I found a local lady who was awesome and could walk to Dad's. I visited twice a week for 4-5 hours each day - I retired in 2015 mostly to help with Dad.

Not knowing your financial situation you can certainly start with finding someone your Mom will enjoy stopping by and accepting the help. I told Dad that these people were friends of mine and they want to help. He didn't know they were being paid - he thought they were just helping.

The point is yes there was help but stressed increased. I even considered Dad being with me but having help come in but then I knew that may be challenging having strangers come in my home.

In 2020 moved myself and Dad from MD to AZ - huge - placed him in assisted living and that really eased my stress to some point but was an hour away. Dad passed in May of this year at 94. Everyone tells me I did more that the average daughter and nothing to feel guilty about - I agree.

You will discover you will do as needed - It's ok to try certain scenarios - knowledge is power - know your options and what they cost. Several people in my community have a parent living with them. It is working. Sometimes it doesn't, and you have to care enough to know they need the specialized care as you can't let your health/relationship suffer. If your Mom was the spouse of a Veteran and can qualify financially, there is $ assistance. Best of luck - stay strong and organized.

I found that having a from the heart conversation with my mother actually helped both of us. I would start out with "Mom, I love you and I know you love me. Right now this situation is not working and we both need to figure out how to make it work" Then talk about how it would be easier for you if she moved in with you. Or ask if she would prefer an assisted living facility. Similar to working with a toddler, give her some choices that both of you can live with.

Moving your mother in with you and your boyfriend is a terrible idea. She may soon need more care than you can manage. Look into placement for her in a Continuing Care facility. You may need to hire some home help while she remains at home. Even someone to manage medicines and prepare some meals.

Do some research on the care needs and progression of Dementia. Alzheimer's Assoc is one excellent source of helpful resources for all types of Dementia.

You cannot make her "be around a long time' by brute force. Her dementia and age will take their own course.

Your mom might do just fine with a little bit of help around the house.
Hire a private caregiver to help her out and maybe even take her out as well for socialization.
I did senior homecare for almost 25 years. Nearly every client I ever had was not receptive to accepting help or allowing someone into their houses. They always come around though. The clients who most adamant about refusing help were always the ones I became the best friends with and the closest. It can be a little awkward at first, but I think this might be a good solution for your mom right now.

Hi Joyce4me,

This site offers a lot of good honest knowledge from all learned from years of experience.
Right now, it actually sounds like your mother is fine where she is -- memory issues and all.
Of course, everyone and every situation has uniqueness. I wouldn't want my own individual rights to be taken away and be forced to live with one of my sons. [although I actually might love it - I do not think I should be under another's rules.]
Why not just go there once or twice a week to maybe visit, clean fridge, re-load food and check meds. In the meantime, maybe getting daily care and check-ins from a social service agency for elders; if there is one in your area.
Her neighbours and friends might check in on her, etc. These are just my thoughts and might enrich her life.

However, please take note of this site's combined, gained insight and the sharing of that priceless knowledge with you, me & each other. It has helped me tremendously. I still have serious and complicated issues with my own mother but at least I can have a better perspective and we DO have support - this group!

Your mom's wishes are to stay in her home and it sounds like you love her very much and want to care for her, very much.
Mom could easily stay in her own home; with just some modifications; like her daily care, food and cleaning provided by someone or agency, etc.

After all, if you were her; what would you want?
* Independence for as long as possible ?.. or
* being forced to move, do something, etc. that you don't want and will probably
make you sad, angry, uncomfortable and feeling useless.

I don't want to sound harsh in any way. but... maybe.. you are that brick wall. You sound like a wonderful daughter who wants the best for her mother. In my opinion, that would be to abide by her wishes and have to remain in the home that she is happy in.

Anyway, I truly wish you the best of luck and God bless You.

-Bevel

If you want to keep your sanity, don't move her in with you and your boyfriend. It will put a major strain on the relationship between the two of you and he can walk away. You can't. Dementia doesn't get better, it only gets worse as time goes by. In my opinion there should only be one move and that's into assisted living. Not knowing anything about your moms finances, I hope that's an option for her. With what you described, it doesn't sound like she is safe at home alone. Maybe telling her that she is moving to a new home of her own might be easier for her to still feel independent. Hugs and prayers for a good future for you and your mom!

Hi Joyce - I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing this change with your mom...I can imagine the range of emotions this must bring for you ..especially being an only child. I've read the advice from others that you've received and it's filled with really exceptional and meaningful feedback...much better than I could give. I think really processing all they have shared in making next steps will help begin the process...and also making sure you're maintaining a support group for yourself thru friends, family, etc - to make sure you're taking care of yourself too. Also, connecting with the right doctors and cognitive resources to support your mom is important. Sending you blessings for continued strength.

Check out https://teepasnow.com/. This organization has been an amazing help for me, and has team members that you can meet with to discuss your concerns and work out what’s best for you and your mom. They offer a free half hour of consultation, followed by a very reasonable fee if you go over. Like you, I have a dad with dementia who was unable to recognize that he was suffering from the illness (anosognosia). Dad stayed with my family for a while, then independent living, now assisted living. You’ve heard some very strong opinions regarding care for mom, and personally, I think it’s really up to the family to make that decision, with mom being a part of it as much as you can include her with her condition. The others are right who say caregiving for a dementia patient in the home can be extremely challenging, but some people really feel best with their loved one nearby and are ok with that. Depends on you. Teepa Snow’s “Positive Approach to Care” is the gold standard for dementia care, and I dare say she probably has a video out there on YouTube somewhere that addresses your concerns here. I have met with both a Teepa Snow consultant, and Teepa Snow herself with a team she works with as part of “Ask Teepa Anything.” Both sessions were extremely valuable! Good luck with mom. She’s blessed to have such a caring daughter. To lift your spirits, check out stumpedtowndementia.com. This woman cared for her mom till the end (in her home) with humor, compassion and love. Her mother has passed now, but you might enjoy reading her former blog posts that highlighted her journey throughout the caregiving experience.

My Mom had difficulty remembering when to take her medication and we found Philips Medication Dispenser
to be very helpful. It told her, by a voice mechanism that it was time to take her medication, she pressed a button and the medication was dispensed. If she didn’t press the button, we received a call from the machine letting us know. The dispenser is easy to load We rented it through a local agency for a monthly rate.

Think long and hard before you move her in with you. There's a lot of good advice on from those of us on here who have done that... read each reply and weigh against your individual circumstance.

Best of luck.

Dont move her in with you. Move her to assisted living right now so she still has the ability to learn a few new things and make friends. I saw the same thing happening with my Mum, my brother refused to believe me and moved her to independent living from her house. The independent living was too much to keep up for her, she also wanted to keep her independence. I saw food rotting in the fridge so I bought frozen meals, however she could no longer operate her microwave that she’d had for years. So she’d eat sandwiches all the time.
also I strongly suspected that she started only wanting to eat when I was there. ( I dropped by almost every day after work for a few minutes). Forgetting to eat will be mitigated by the staff calling her for meals and after she gets into the rhythm of life in AL she will just go at the set times.
She forgot got her pills even in prepackaged cards. But she remembered to hide them from me hen I started to question her the first couple of times I saw they weren’t used.
I believe that had she made the leap to AL she would probably still be there today rather than very poorly off in Memory Care. (CoVid separation did not help).
get all her paperwork done NOW. You have a very small timeframe to work with. Mum and brother went to lawyer to get it all done, but she got tired, they only got part done other part was procrastinated on which led to ongoing messy situation for a while and a lot more cost.

First of all, if you can afford it, find an assisted living/memory care facility near you. She will still have her own apartment, semi-independence and activity schedule. Incude her in the process. Get her doctor involved! That's the only way we were able to move mom. We blamed the doctor for everything, and that seemed to help. I won't sugar coat it. This us the hardest thing you'll ever do. Mom was angry and crying for over a month. Sympathize with her. Visit as often as possible. It took over a month but she finally acclimated. We took her out for lunch and to family events frequently. You'll feel guilty for the rest of her life, but not resentment from the 24/7 care. She will be safe and eventually it will become her normal. By the way, we always call it her apartment so she didn't equate it to a care facility! Good luck, God bless.

For now, stop trying. Everyone forgets and the older you get the more you forget.
Your mom has the right to be independent as long as she wants.
It's no big deal that she forgets how to cook something.
She is a smart woman fir not wanting to move in with you and your boyfriend. As long as she's safe living in her own place, it's her choice and she should get to be the one making the choice.
As long as she remembers how to eat, drink, go to the bathroom, ect.
Even if she starts leaving the gas oven on, just change it to an electric oven.

As far as forgetting a recipe, there is so much precooked frozen meals that are easy and microwaveable to fix.
The best thing to do knowing mom wants to stay in her own home is to stop bothering her about moving, help her make her home easier to live in.

Juse let her knowi living with you is an option whenever she wants then help her be independent as long as she wants.

Dementia takes away insight and decision making skills. She sounds unable to know her own needs. Your job is to keep her safe! There comes a time when we have to do what is right even if they disagree..give her a choice..your house or a facility. She will choose your house!! Plan to have her visit your home for a weekend..then keep her there. When my mom refused to eat, lost 18 pounds, took 2 overdoses of drugs and would go outside and walk on ice to see if it was slippery I made the decision to Assisted Living facility so she would be safe. I could not take her to my tiny one bedroom apartment. She now loves it there…has friends her own age, activities, great food and me visiting for hours 3 days a week. Was it easy? NO! It was the right thing to do. Good Luck..

Of course I want mom to keep her independence as long as possible but now she is starting to forget her meds and she isn't eating properly she will eat a cracker and call that supper and thats basically all she will eat when she is here she is at least eating twice a day lunch and supper plus snacks
Yes Eric wants mom to move in with us he is trying to encourage her to move in and with the delta variant sweeping across Kansas I'm scared that she will catch it she doesn't pay attention to who she lets in and out of her apartment
Here I know who comes in and out I'm just trying to keep my 84 year old mother with me as long as I can
She was staying with us for about a month or so while they were working on her apartment she gained weight went from 125 to 140 lbs her doctor was thrilled she went back to her apartment and lost 11 lbs in less than 2 weeks

When it became apparent that my MIL wasn't remembering to eat we transitioned her to a facility. We can't fix her not remembering to eat when she's by herself in her home. She wasn't remembering if she took her meds so was under- and over-dosing herself on her thyroid meds AND prescription pain pills. FYI she got covid in May of 2020, was deathly ill for 4 weeks (signed a DNR), we called her sons up from AZ to say goodbye, she was put on hospice and then — had a full recovery. Now she is vaccinated. My point is if your mom doesn't have any underlying health issues and is vaccinated, I'd worry less about transitioning her into a facility if that's what will be best for everyone involved.

Your mother may have dementia, but that does not give you the right to decide that she has to move in with you.

Try offering her different options that allow her to conserve her independence, and perhaps she'll gradually begin to listen to your advice. As long as admitting that she isn't as able as she was = she has to move in with you, she's going to admit to nothing and she's not going to take any steps to take proper care of herself.

Sadly, dementia is progressive, there may come a time even moving in with your boyfriend and you, that it won't be permanent.

It may be time to think about placement.