The nursing home is holding my Mother "hostage" with a POA that was forged. Any help?

OP's mom passed away. Case closed, folks.

Please note, this post was 3 years ago. OP no longer responding.

I agree with Maggie. IF you can get a NH for your loved one who needs 24 hour care and medical staff, count yourself lucky. The wait list for govt. funded care is long and getting longer by the day with us baby-boomers aging. If YOU embrace where she is and definitely stop the drama you will help make her final years happier. I do not believe she will be better off in your home with you at work all day and with a caregiver you don't know (I dealt with MANY during my husbands last years, its NOT a high-paying pleasant job and usually you get what you pay for).

I don't see the harm in posting onto old threads on this website. If someone is searching under topics for words like "elder exploitation" "hostage" "nursing home" and "POA" then this thread comes up and it can start a new person helping or getting help from those who post on here. My mother passed away in 2016 but people need to know my story on how both unethical lawyers in conjunction with corrupt nursing homes can basically take full advantage of an elderly parent with dementia.

Carrie, there were many, many other factors at play with this OP and her mother, plus major family dynamics at play. There were probably 10-15 other threads from this OP that gave conflicting stories and in the end, there was no clear resolution. There were reasons we don't know about as to why the OP was being barred from visiting, and she gave multiple stories about the whole situation several times. Her mother passed away 2 years ago and the OP is no longer active on the site.

Unfortunately, things aren't always what they seem when someone posts. (Please don't take offense to that - but those of us that have been here for several years have seen this happen before.)

CarrieSoCal, not to totally negate where you're coming from, but not sure how nursing home was being paid, but if she was on Medicaid, it wouldn't necessarily pay for inhome care; the rules are different and if I remember correctly, she really didn't have the money to hire it, although she talked about it but think she didn't really know how much it would cost, at least to have much; now she might have been willing to take on the task herself, but...
my dad's grandson basically had the same attitude but after basically doing that to keep my dad out of a nursing home, after 2 yrs. it was just about too much

It might be bad etiquette to revive an old thread here, but I disagree with the answers that expressed negativity toward the askers' desires and intention. He mother was going to die much sooner and in much worse health in that nursing home than she would in her own home, with the same amount of money spent on home care as is spent on the nursing home.

I found out how genuinely harmful bedrest is to the elderly by seeing my father all but destroyed on 9 weeks of bedrest, engineered and maintained by my sister, using a revoked power of attorney. She despises him and wanted him out of our mother's life for as long as possible because he'd become incredibly irritable and demanding.

I also wonder why so many answers doubt that it is possible to want to care for your parents out a respect and reciprocity for all they invested in you. I'll move mountains to keep my parents in their own home and am ready to sue my siblings if they try to have them removed. I put myself in their place, imagine being forcefyulluq removed from a home I've loved for 60 years and taken to a) jail b) the zoo c) a dystopian nightmare d) all of the above, known as a nursing home. The feeling would be terror, and terror is not tolerated in the new place.

Nobody is "happy" in a nursing home. It is NOT a reason to bring somebody home with you. I believe you are underestimating the amount of care an old person with dementia needs.

Have you actually investigated "in-home care?" It is often a revolving door of unreliable home health aides. What is your "contingency" plan when they "call in" or just don't bother to show up? Are you willing to diaper her and clean up her feces as the dementia progresses? What will you do when she enters the "violent" stage of the disease?

I recommend thinking the situation through thoroughly and avoid making a decision based on "emotional" reasons.

not to keep this going, but in response to this last, we had a similar situation with my cousin

Nursing homes and lawyers prey on older people with dementia. I hope you’re not in New Jersey and the nursing home smells any sort of money. I was an only child and the only caregiver of my mother (no siblings or other family) and the corrupt nursing home and two unethical attorneys were literally able to completely drain my mother’s savings and take over my deceased father’s government pension,  despite frantic calls to the NJ Ombudsman’s office and filing complaints to the N.J. Law Ethics Committee. She went from 130 pounds to 70 pounds and died all alone, falling out of her hospital bed without rails. She never had any physical healthier problems when she lived with us in a clean and safe home in a small suburban town. One of the unethical attorneys gained guardianship, despite us going to a long expensive heart breaking trial and losing and even with us suggesting a public unbiased guardian. We were not even allowed to visit her and we had cared for her daily needs for 25 years after my father’s death. Yet the lawyer took her home to their house for Thanksgiving only two weeks after falling at the NH and breaking her hip and shoulder. I hope your family can get help from your state Ombudsman’s office or a reputable attorney. Good luck !!

The post is helpful in some ways, but you'd have to know the entire story behind the original post to understand why we want comments on this turned off. Those who were here to see this play out from the beginning (like me) understand. There was far more going on than is stated in the original post that you're not seeing here.

The reason people are asking those making new comments to start a new thread is because they will get far more responses than they will here. We really only want to help you get the most input that you can.

This post is helpful. There are other posts that have gone on for years. They are good to read through when you have had a similarity in experiences. This is a wonderful site and the chance to gain wisdom not only in an answer but to look back on what you have experienced to help others makes you stronger.

PLEASE, if you have a new story, start a new post!

why don't they at least turn off/stop comments on this post?

My sister placed our Mother in an assisted living facility. When I learned of this I tried to take my Mother home. The facility, Sunrise, along with the sister not only prevented me from doing so, I was arrested for trespassing. The facility refused to even discuss the issue when I had a letter saying my Mother was free to leave, written by the facility’s Counsel. Nightmare. I filed for Conservatorship, the sister has filed opposing me. It looks like we are going to trial. All this, the sister placed her there 2 days after the sister took Mother to an attorney to sign new legal docs, making sister sole beneficiary of Mothers now new Trust. One day after she left Mother there, she went to our Mothers home and stole all her property and listed her home for sale.
The victim? Absolutely, our Mother. Funny, almost same as when our Father passed in 2012.
Absolute nightmare. So stressed, My weight went down to 77 pounds. I await the day, hopefully, she goes to jail. Found the facility was drugging Mother, have reported same. Have an attorney, but now the Court is involved. My Mother doesn’t understand fully the situation, saying she has not broken any laws. Absolutely heartbreaking.

When my Mother's attorney played a fast one starting by arriving at 7:00 am when the meeting she requested with my Mother and I was to be at 10:00 am. We said Ok but first lets have coffee. I went for coffee (the meeting was at Mother's Senior Facility in Independent Living 2 years ago.) The attorney and a law clerk(the witness) walked out with new papers signed by Mother as I came -quickly- back with the coffee. Mother was not read nor did she understand what she had signed. It was upsetting but all was not lost. A former Township Commissioner was also a resident at the facility, a good friend to Mother and myself. He and his wife went to lunch with us, discussed the matter, and suggested we could advocate for mother's wishes by going to a Notary in the district where he was previously a Commissioner. He and his wife accompanied us there and he signed as Mother's witness on a statement revoking the document the attorney and witness tricked her into signing (on my Brother's behalf). It is just an idea for you to get the document revoked that places your Mother in the position she is in against her will. Legal entanglements and power struggles over a Loved Ones best interests are not for the weak at heart. God was in control. Mother and I poured out our hearts to the Commissioner and he advocated for us. Thank you Jesus. Put matters into God's hands. The tide has turned following a long and bitter battle with other disputes with family and the previous rogue facility that were devastating to Mother's health and finances. I was banned and my son moved Mother out of the rogue facility. Mother has greatly improved over a year at a another facility where I have been her 24 x 7 caretaker. My son found Mother and I an attorney who did us some good. It was just recently through a phone call from the Attorney's office when he verified that Mother wants to be with me that brother is more cooperative and now carefully comes to me instead of manipulating behind my back or outright hollering at he long distance. Cooperation is new. A soft word is better than a sword. I just hope brother doesn't blow a gasket when he finds out how much one little phone call from the attorney cost Mother. Before the phone call we had a phone conference. $290.00 an hour for 3 hours is a bargain compared to what a court battle could be. Do what you have to do out of love. 

I am a daughter of a once strong father, an intelligent man, a mechanical engineer and he loves me unconditionally even still and it is killing me to see him waste away. I will do anything to keep him safe, strong and maintain his dignity.
I am a registered nurse and I know I cannot care for him properly, I know I do not have the strength for 24/7 care, I do not have the ability to provide a safe environment for him, I do not have the ability to detach myself as his daughter and become his nurse. I am smart enough to know that he needs more care than I can give. I know he deserves better care than I can give, and I know that he will be provided very good care and that I have done all I can do by finding the BEST and the SAFEST nursing home for him. I will be a better daughter to him, I will have patience for the smartest man Ive ever known, I will sleep at night knowing he is safe as he kept his family safe at night. My heart says one thing ,but my head says I AM PROVIDING HIM THE BEST CARE that I can give him! I am at peace with that.
I hope you find out all you can about the facility, I hope you feel good about your decisions and enjoy the good days with your loved ones and let the bad days go. I hope you find your peace in all the chaos!

This thread is more than two years old. The mother has died. There really is no purpose served by continuing to discuss this.

If someone is in a similar situation and wants feedback, please start a new thread, so we can all focus on the relevant details of your case.

They are not holding your mother hostage, they are acting under the instructions of the POA. They have to honor this document by law, especially when a court has ruled it valid. The POA is for your Mother's care not to judge who visits her. Maybe your approach to staff is causing them to feel threatened and thereby relaying this to your sister. Your sister's place being closed down doesn't mean she was giving bad care to your mother. It just means she lacked the funds to hire help (if a house) since you said place, you didn't specify if this was her own home or an apartment building. If your mother is 86 I'll bet you nor your sister are spring chickens. The approval of the POA is required regarding its contents. What you describe of the nursing home is describing over 75% of nursing homes in the country. Her age causes the osteoarthritis, not her care. Since you are not there 24/7 I find it difficult to understand how you are so aware of her therapy, bed locks, etc. Your approach to your mother may be too negative for her mental well being. I find it sad your Mother does not have contact with you but sometimes if a person can't put themselves in check for the sake of their loved one of their own behavior and conversation, it's best for the elder one to be separated. You didn't mention if your mother has access to a telephone. Sorry if I don't seem to be on your side, but I've been in and still am in your sister's position. It's very difficult for me as I have to text my brother TO call our Mother or he will go for months with no communication, living 15 minutes away. My suggestion is to call ahead and ask staff is it ok if you were to join your mother for lunch or dinner, visiting out in the open and then leave after. Best of Luck.

Tell the nursing home to go screw it. Any monies you owe them, they will not see one thin dime of it!!!!!!

Same thing happened with me. The sister wanted to keep her in the home, as it would have been easier to raid her assets (as it was, she went to her home and stole all her property), the “home” wanted to keep her because they wanted to keep the $6,000 per month. When I tried to visit my mother, they arrested me for trespassing! I got an attorney and filed for Conservator. Prior to the hearing the court investigator needed to interview my mother. As soon as she stepped foot off the property, she became “free”, legally.
Even though I had letters from the facility’s attorneys saying she was free to go.

However, on my first visit to see my mother I brought along a Revocation of POA, which my mother signed (no notary) and proved very helpful. The facility was horrible, over medicating my mother, rarely giving her mail, lying to the attorney.

When there are family squabbles the court will usually appoint a guardian and a conservator someone impartial to look at everything. Have you thought of contacting the district attorney? I certainly would give that a shot.

My sister put her in a nursing home 2 days after she took her to an attorney to make new estate planning documents, naming herself as sole beneficiary of the new Trust. She wouldn’t tell the other kids where she placed her. Then she went to my mothers home and stole everything, including my mothers wedding ring, etc. I located my mother, she signed a Revocation of the sisters POA. The nursing home prevented me from visiting my mother, finally arresting me for trespassing. I had to retain an attorney to file for Conservatorship to get her out of that home (later learning they were giving her meds specifically not approved to treat people with dementia. When I got my Mother out of that place, she lived with me. The sister was so mad, she filed papers opposing my filing for guardianship. She lied, she stole my mothers belongings (she still has not returned them) she even tried to sell my mom’s house. The court, after hearing her lies, etc., appointed a court rep as Conservator.

My mother has had all her estate planning documents in order since 2001, she named me as trustee, POA, healthcare POA, Executrix, etc. Then the court decided she didn’t have the capacity to sign any documents after 2013, and that the legal documents in effect in 2013 would be the correct documents.

The court still appointed a Conservator, who is now in charge of where my mom lives, and in charge of her estate.

Since I was named Trustee of the trust in 2013 (since inception in 2001), and in the Trust my Mother also appointed me as her Conservator, should she ever need one), as well as executor, POAs, etc., how can the Court (Kern County, CA) ignore that and appoint a court person to be in charge?

What is the point of estate planning documents when they can so easily be ignored?

To this day, the sister still has my Mothers property She stole her entire safe, containing her 2 plus carat diamond ring, other jewelry, cash) her tax returns, her checkbooks, her furniture, pictures, clothing, everything. My mother and I called the Sheriffs, and they didn’t do a thing, they called it a “civil” matter.

Now my Mother is in a “home”, where she share a room, and uses a “communal” bathroom. She hates it there. My hands are tied. My Mother did everything right, with respect to her estate planning, she saved all her life, and this is how she ends up? It is a crime. By the way, her assets exceed 2 million dollars. So, why is she living in a dump that she hates? Why aren’t her wishes, as set forth in her legal documents since 2001, being respected?

If you can answer that one, my hats off to you.

I am frustrated, angry, and feel I have let my Mother down. What, if anything, can I do? Please dont say hire an attorney, I have already done that.

What the hell good are the estate planning documents good for? All the years of keeping them in order, as per my mothers wishes, not to mention the expense of the documents, what good are they? What is the point?

I am so sick of it all...I even have records of all the times I tried to get help, the Dept of Aging, I must have written to that agency 50 times.

I wrote each time the sister would write a check from my mom’s checkbook (forging her signature), the most recent time in December 2016, for $200,000, I even have the documents the sister prepared, forged, and sent to each of my mom’s various assets, trying to change the beneficiary, so her distribution would be, if not sole beneficiary, then the most. My mother always had and continues to have her assets distributed equally to each of her 3 daughters. This sister was just not happy with that.

I knew it was going to happen, as our father passed in 2012, and she kept everything he had. He even passed without a will, but she somehow was able to file the probate so that the other kids were not even notified. She did all this, practically under our noses. I saw her do it with our father, and thought my mom was safe. Now, it seems she will do it again.

My Mother knows she has stolen her things, she has tried to do what we are all taught to do, call the police. I have called the police, nothing ever happens. How can someone go to their own mothers house and steal all her property? Take her to an attorney, tell her she is only signing papers for a “trial stay” at a home, then leave her at a home (for what she thought was the rest of her life), then go to her home and steal all her property, and then try to sell her house? My Mother has asked her for her things, even her clothes, but this sister just ignored her. One time she told my mother, and me, to go home, get a pickup truck, and she, the sister, would happily give her back her things, only to refuse to answer the door 20 minutes later?

This sister has tried to isolate my mother, going so far as to cancel her telephone service four times, and to file a restraining order on me to prevent my contact with my mother.

This sister had it all planned out, she placed her in the home, 3 hours from where my mother lived (I lived just down the street from my mother). However, she placed her in a different county, in Los Angeles county, she the sister worked for many years, knowing all the law enforcement personally. This sister didn’t know who the father of one of her children was, so had to practically give a paternity test to the L.A. law enforcement.

When our father passed, she was so proud of herself that she “bragged” that she had forged 8 credit cards in our father’s name, while he was in 4th stage lung cancer! I remember, one day she came to me and said “here, this is for you,to remember dad”...and she gave me a pair of his sweat pants.

Even back then, I tried to get help. Not one agency would help me. The manager at the bank told me that she had withdrew all of my father’s money from his accounts, but “carefully left the accounts open with $1.47” so that IRS would not be notified. She kept the things I had given our father throughout the years, things I had made for him...

So, now what?

ATof3, this thread has become largely academic.

But while I wholly agree that being harsh is almost always unnecessary and unhelpful, it is important to spot the gremlins in what a poster says if you're really to help her. And when there is something like, as in this case, "I lost the petition due to a forged POA *that was ruled valid*" it is best to take pause. ML says the crazy sister forged the POA. But the court did not agree with her, apparently. Is the court crazy too?

Sometimes, and I don't for a second blame them because so do I, people come to the forum looking not for advice but for approval - and sometimes it's fine just to hand it out lavishly. But if your approval will only reinforce damaging, self-destructive beliefs, you're really not doing the OP any favours.

I think there’s no need to be so harsh. MomLover has already stated that Mom is unhappy, not eating (which is causing too much weight loss), wanting to go home with MomLover and that MomLover is hiring HomeHealthcare to be with Mom when MomLover cannot be in the home. Give her some credit for having thought this out before asking for advice instead of slamming her about “where were you when ...?” She didn’t forge POA, crazy sister did. Kindness, compassion and empathy goes a long way in these situations, especially from one caregiver to another. Beating each other up is not at all helpful.

Goodness this thread is 2 years old! Someone upthread said the mom has actually passed away.
Hope that her family was able to heal and the siblings have moved on as a family unit.

I understand what ur going thru....I actually have my mom's p.o.a. cus she feared my sister putting her in nursing home ....she now takes her money to try n make me look like in neglecting .....u can go I did writing samples n prove its been forged n most states lawyers do it pro bono. Also if Yu visit they will look n see how often Yu visit. Her but if you need anything further I would be more than happy to help you. If Yu need to help just send me an email or message thank Yu.

Also, that is *terrible* advice. Unless you want to go to jail, that is.

This is an OLD POST.

The original poster does not need our suggestions any more. Her mother has died.

Just go behind the NH's back and take your mother home with you!