I am sorry to have to ask this, but I don’t know what to do. I am not asking for judgement of advice to spend money that I don’t have, but y’all are so comforting and have been through these same things, and I am completely empty of an ability to think. I need to pull myself together.
My brother is basically total care at home and must be watched all the more closely because he is ambulatory and will not use his walker or call for help. And he is confused.
My husband had a lacunae stroke earlier this year and is a fall risk and “feeble”
My brother in law just fell and broke his hip a couple hours ago and is in the emergency room. He is schizophrenic and my sister feels he cannot function without her ( he had a multiple compressions spine fracture years ago and can barely get around. Plus she will get another bedsore and require more home health herself from all the sitting)
I sent my daughter to sit with them but she was in an automobile accident a couple months ago and has a torn tendon that limits what she can do.
While I tried to fix lunch and cook some soup for later, every thing fell apart of course.
My brother did not take his medicine. He went to bed.
He would not drink his liquids ( this is not new, but one on one care does not leave much time to also take care of everyone else.
What can I realistically do with all this as it is piled up at once?
I assume that my sister and brother in law will join us at my house when the hospital decides to cut him loose.
No one is young. I am 75.
Saying that, No wasn't even in my vocabulary. When I lived home, Mom was always volunteering me once I had my own car. Then I married and she still volunteered me. This was my first No. "Mom, I work f/t and now have a house and a husband. Please stop volunteering me. U can ask if I can do it, and I'll tell u if I can. My NOs come when I am overwhelmed. I will not take on more than one thing at a time. I babysat my gson from 2 months old to 20 months. Mom, with Dementia, moved in. My daughter put grandson in Daycare. I could not care for both. Lately, a friend has asked me to go to an alumni reunion more than once. I must have told her No in a text, no on the phone and a week before the event, NO. And it had nothing to do with DHs hearing (which is what he thought) it had to do with...I didn't want to go. She tells me when she doesn't want to do something and I except the first NO.
So, as you use the word NO it gets easier. No excuses have to be made, just NO. My kids do it all the time, why is it my generation (born 40s, 50s,) have such a hard time. Because we felt we couldn't say NO. I taught my girls if u don't want to do it say NO. You don't need to explain why. "Sorry, I have to say NO."
So, in Jo's situation when/if sister asks to move in, its "No" when sister asks why "can't you see I have enough on my hands with DH and brother". If she keeps insisting, just say, "No, sorry, I just have too much on my plate to help."
This way too much to deal with, start setting your boundaries. If the others get upset, so be it, they need to work things out for themselves, that's what adults do.
Maybe you could do a thread on giving others strategies on how to say no. I think it would be very helpful for those who have never learned how to say no. Your posts are always strong and on point.
Jo123456
15 hours ago
Thanks everyone.
I have pulled myself back together with your help/
I still don’t know what I will be able to do, but I called my daughter back from the hospital and have gotten my brother to bed.
And I have a trusty dog by my side (my sister’s dog).
The only person you owe anything to is your husband. He should be your total care. Its time to tell brother that he needs to go into a LTC facility because you are finding you cannot care for two people. Brother can apply for Medicaid. I know this will be hard. Call ur Office of Aging and see if they can help brother with the process.
Now your sister. Her husband is going to need a lot of care. If she is not able to do it, then he will need to go to an AL or LTC. With his mental problem I would say LTC. Like you, its your sisters decision on how to handle "her" situation. There are SWs at the hospital that will help her. Your BIL will probably go to rehab. That is where your sister will need to make the choice to bring him back to their house with help or put him in an AL or LTC. Do not offer any money. If sister doesn't have it, she can apply for Medicaid for him as the Community Spouse. She will have her home, car and money to pay the bills. Does she have children, if so they need to get involved. Don't allow her to rely on your daughter. There is help out there sister just needs to tap into it.
You can't do it all. Hope you have POA for brother. He can be declared incompetent and then you can place him. If no POA, this is where u allow the State to step in. You may not want to do this but its the quickest way to get him care. Plus, if something should happen to you, he will be cared for the rest of his life.
Its time Jo to make changes and not take on anymore responsibility. Our members get a little "passionate" but its because they have been there. Yes, its hard to say NO but I am learning to do it. Just say, lets say its sister, "Sorry, I can't take on anymore than I already have."
So, whatever they plan to do when you are gone, they should do NOW.
Does your house of worship have volunteers? At our church there is a ministry that cooks dinners for those who need help. I make dinners from time to time for families, such as after surgeries or a new baby in the house, etc.
Has anyone ever thought that some of our suggestions and responses are so intense that the OP gets scared and so overwhelmed, that the alternative is to keep the staus quo?
Not a criticism of anyone's offers of a solution (because I couldn't read them all).
Because there have been times in my life that asking for help was way too overwhelming, and doing nothing was better for me in the long run.
Guess what! If you were no longer there, things would get sorted pretty quick smart. It might not be to everyones satisfaction, but hey, life was never guaranteed an easy ride.
Listen to your mind and body. What are they trying to tell you? You have too much on your plate is the message I am receiving. Hence your thinking you need to pull yourself together. Even if you were just having a bad day when you originally posted, and life has returned to its routine chaos, it is long past time for you to relinquish at least some of your carer responsibilities.
1. You do not have to martyr yourself. No one can make you do that, you are allowing it to happen.
2. You are not indispensible. If you die tomorrow, someone would organise something.
3. Tell anyone and everyone you are not coping. Send them on the guilt trip they have forced onto you.
4. Go out into the garden or local park, anywhere in the fresh air you can be alone. Take a pencil and paper, a page to each person. List what you do for each person every single day, their special needs, their medications. Then write down suggestions as to how others might help, no matter how outrageous the idea or difficulty of the task.
5. Call a family meeting, put your cards on the table, or in this case your sheets of paper. Then tell everyone it is up to them to pick a person and take over your role. No notice to them. No excuses.
6. Have a pre planned bolt hole to hide. It might be a friend, a refuge, a trailer park. Somewhere no one would think to look for you. Have suitcase ready, call a cab and disappear. Turn off the mobile phone.
You need to detox and the family needs to form a support network. Tell them when they have put permanent plans into place to put an add in the newspaper, or on social media etc, only then will you return. Bet it takes no more than 2 days, 3 max.
In an entirely different scenario, nothing to do with caring, I did this and it worked a treat. Not only did I realise I was dispensible, those around me got the message not to take me and my generous nature for granted.
I have pulled myself back together with your help/
I still don’t know what I will be able to do, but I called my daughter back from the hospital and have gotten my brother to bed.
And I have a trusty dog by my side (my sister’s dog).
Not just a day at a time, but sometimes a few hours at a time.
Hug that dog tonight,
Get your jammies on.
Go to bed.
Next time your brother lands in the hospital, do not accept discharge back to your home. Let the professionals at the hospital get emergency Medicaid in place for him and find him a bed at a longterm care facility.
At the rate you are going you are going to die before any of them do. Sorry to be so blunt.
Who is signing for BIL's discharge? Please make sure that sis is not saying "oh dont worry, my sister will take care of us".
If your bil broke his hip he likely needs surgery and then will be sent to rehab. Where he can transition to long term care of medicaid.
Everyone except your husband must transition into another person's care or a facility. Do not accept your sister and brother-in-law into you house from the hospital. Do not allow the hospital to bully you into accepting to care for those you can't. BarbBrooklyn will hopefully post what you are supposed to tell the hospital so they don't hound you.
I know this is not what you came here to hear. But you are being ground to a pulp and you need to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help your husband, and then maybe the others. It would overwhelm the best of us.
Please contact the Department of Health and Human Services to talk to social workers and get the others on their radar so they can become wards of the county and the county will provide their care, not you. You will still be able to visit them and love on them, but you won't have the burden of caring for them 24/7. Please think on this...your sole responsibility it to your husband and your own children. There are solutions for the others, you are just reluctant to take them. Don't feel guilty. Blessings!
Why is your brother not in a facility?
I'm just trying to understand why you are taking care of all these folks. Your husband needs your care and you are no spring chicken!