Out of state daughter wants to stay with 82yr mom for 5 weeks after dad dies to help. Is this postponing her grief process? My husband said I am not helping her and only she can deal with her grief. She and I are very close and we want to get some financial details reshaped, plan his memorial service in 4 mos, help take care of his things (keep, repurpose, etc), and get her in a new routine. She is 82 and fairly healthy.
My dad and I were also close and I helped with his care giving 6 weeks pre-death. Once I leave I will not return for 3 months to pick her up to take her to his home state for his memorial. I do not feel it will hurt her but give her a little support that she needs.
Am I off base by wanting to stay 30 days post cremation (thru Mother Day)? I am retired so I am available.
Maybe that is how your husband grieves, but many of us BENEFIT from having someone else around who knew the loved one. That's why there are traditions like wakes, funerals, shivas and the like, so that you can grieve with the support of your community.
Does she want a visitor for any length of time?
If mom is willing to have your daughter move in for over a month then that is her decision.
I am not sure I would want a visitor for that length of time.
I would slowly encourage her to make outings on her own, meet up with some friends, etc, just to start the process of "moving on" while you are there. You could also find "excuses" to go off, maybe to drop off donated items or to pick up supplies without her, giving her time to be alone. As time goes on, you can assess how she's adjusting.
To have to just pack up and leave her alone to deal with all that needs to be done would seem rather heartless. Sure, some people prefer to be alone in the grief, but others need the companionship, a hand to hold, a hug, whatever it is they need. If nothing else, having to haul things away can be a challenge for someone at 82! Just clothing weighs a lot. If there are other bulky items to be "repurposed", she'll need the help!
If she adjusts quickly and feels she can go it alone, you can always head home sooner. Do beware that you don't want her to lose her independence by doing too much for her - she may not be willing to let you go when the time is up! Encourage her to do what she can and to get out with others as soon as possible.
I'm going to assume your folks were married for about 60 years, and if they were like mine, they spent only a handful of nights apart. To lose your life partner, then be left alone to "deal with your grief" with no services to provide closure is frankly appalling -- unless it's what she wants.
My mother has dementia, so she couldn't be left at home after my dad died anyway. However, she was distraught when we had to move him out of their bedroom and down the hall before he was even gone. Not having him by her side was devastating, and the hardest part for her in those early days was waking up and remembering he was gone forever. I'm very glad I was with her those mornings, because it was terribly hard for her.
You are doing the right thing to stay, because you'll be able to tell how she's doing, reminisce together, and take care of what needs to be done. This is as much for you as for her.
1) Your mother may be glad of your company. It may stop her feeling very lonely, after the high emotional involvement with so many people around a death; and/ or
2) It may be of real practical value for all the family in dealing with the many things that need to be re-organised after a death; and/ or
3) As your husband says, it might make her focus on you, instead of putting enough time into understanding her own loss and grief; and/ or
4) Your husband may be feeling that you have given enough time and energy to your mother, and its his turn to be the focus now.
All of these things make for a very complicated time. Do your best, and remember that 5 weeks is not such a long time, really.
I agree that it's a bit bonkers to think that a very elderly recently bereaved lady must just pull herself together and cope, but that's why I suspect that his real reasons are about something else.
I had a neighbor who was extremely close to her father. He died with Parkinson’s disease. Her husband got upset because she was crying too much.
My neighbor would come over to my house to cry. It broke my heart.
Some people think that a person can ‘get over it’ quickly and it doesn’t work that way.
If you want to be with your mom, please go be with her.
I am so sorry that your husband is acting this way. It’s terribly insensitive of him.
5 weeks is a long time. I’d be concerned that she’d start relying on you to do things and not be quite so motivated to find her new path. 5 weeks is a house flip, what all are you doing that needs 5 sequential weeks?. Could you break this up into 2 trips over 3 months instead? This way you can do things and then go back and see if she’s keeping up with changes, dealing w paperwork & mail, taking her meds, doing grocery shopping, getting housework done, keeping up w her friends and neighbors. If your there all the time, she’s likely to become reliant on you. Plus it will help appease hubs.
If it’s likely that you will be going up 3 or more times a year, I’d really encourage you to remake a room or 2 & relax area in the yard so that hubs can come w you on trips and you all have your own space. So it’s not waking up in your college bedroom. So it’s not a Temple to MyBraveFather. So that hubs doesn’t feel like an interloper. I got my Hubs a hammock, side table and set up a mini frig in the garage, set up an “office” area in the study and made a huge difference on his attitude on stays at my moms. Do things that keep him a priority.
if you were up there for 6 weeks b 4 your dad died, what were you like when you finally returned home? I’m gonna bet that you were beyond a bit of a wreck and this is a big reason why hubs doesn’t want you going and staying away for weeks & weeks again. There just too much fallout emotionally for you that he recognized and you may not be aware of.
Her grief may change once you head back home but after 5 weeks she'll have a new routine and be ready to face her new world.
Me thinks hubby is tired of being neglected and wanting wife to come home sooner than later to spend time together - I know my husband wouldn't be very happy if after 6 weeks I then planned to spend another 5 weeks with mom. Me thinks my hubby might express the same reasoning.
My sympathies to your mother, you and your family.
What is important here is what the 82 year old MOM would want, not the opinion of the husband.
All that to say that I think if you could stay with your mom for several weeks, that would be a blessing to her, not a problem. In fact, it might be a special bonding time that the two of you need.
I would venture to say that your mother is already grieving. Grief doesn't come at the flip of a switch. I don't think her grief will be delayed, but may be more marked when you leave unless there are people she can socialize with. If you're going to stay with her, which I think is a good idea, learn something about grief. Be there to listen. Allow her to grieve in her own way (like your husband says). Don't feel like you have to keep her occupied. Talk about your dad, reminisce, but also allow her some quiet time. And, yes, help with all those necessary “housekeeping” chores that must be done after the death of a LO.
30 days to remain with someone after a loved ones death is not a great deal of time at all. There will be many loose ends to tie up that probably won't even be accomplished in that period of time. Sorting through dad's things may even have to wait a while - she may not be ready to part with 'stuff' yet.
Stay the month. It will give you a better understanding of how she is dealing and have some company while she steps into her new life as widow. Tell hubby you'll see him in a month.
She lost her spouse and the father of her children and it is a huge adjustment even if she already prematurely grieved his loss during his illness.
Focus on what's necessary for now. That's what you both need. There's plenty of time for grief; it'll keep.
Condolences to you and your mom. It's wonderful you have each other.