Parent who drives away caregivers: What to do?

Is she in independent living or an Assisted living. They are different.

If Mom keeps going thru aides then stop hiring them. Tell her she will need to depend on the aides she is paying for thru the money she is paying for care.

Your Mom is just a miserable person. If she does not want to be involved with activities or make friends, thats on her. Not ur responsibility. Its up to us to be happy in our lives. Not to depend on others to make us happy. Life does not work that way. Mom has to except her circumstances and work from there. She may never be happy and thats on her not u.

I would sit her down and sit in front of her and tell her, she is a miserable person. Its up to her to make the best of the rest of her life. She needs to be nicer to those around her. But at this point, she is going to die a very lonely person.

2 or 3x a week is enough for visiting. She needs to get involved in what is available. Its all up to her.

You've already answered your own question in your last paragraph. Yes you should stop hiring caregivers for your mothers every whim. As long as continue to be her answer for everything(by providing the caregivers)she will NEVER take advantage of what her facility has to offer.
So in all reality you my dear are enabling this demanding and bad behavior from your mother, and if you want it to stop then you're going to have to stop enabling her.
She'll adjust don't worry, or she'll just have to go hungry and be lonely. And that will be on her not you.
So please get off this crazy hamster wheel you've been on for far too long and start taking your life back, and accept that more than likely your mother will never be happy and that again is on her not you. Some people just like being miserable, but that doesn't mean that you have you be miserable along with her.

People with dementia often feel lonely because they forget a visit almost right after it happens. Get her a photograph book but also stop hiring people she abuses. What does she need from them? A clean room? If/when she is cognitively clear explain to her that NOBODY gets everything they want and as the song goes if she tries, she can get what she needs.

Stop hiring help and stop showing up for a couple of weeks.

Call the facility and tell them that you will answer THEIR calls in a true emergency but that you are going "no contact" with your mom so that she can adjust.

Do not tell mom; she'll just bully you more and wear you down.

I agree with everyone, don't hire any new people. Let her figure out how to get her hair done. At the worst she will finally start using the services available to her. If she complains to you about needing help getting this done remind her that she drove the helpers away so she has to live with the consequences of her actions. Drop your calls to once or twice a week for awhile so she has to adjust to her surroundings.

You've got what I call a senior brat on your hands and here's how you handle one.

A senior brat benefits most greatly from tough love. So you don't hire another caregiver. You don't tolerate one more moment of complaint or nonsense from her. You tell her plainly that you will not listen to her complain and if she continues in her bullying and demanding behavior she will get kicked out of AL and the next stop will be a nursing home. A person can demand and bully all they want there because the staff isn't going to jump through hoops to appease and coddle some senior brat wants to act up.

I was an in-home caregiver (mostly to the elderly) for 25 years and noe operate my own homecare business. I've had countless seniors like your mother who were demanding bullies. How I handled them was I give it right back to them. I give it as good as they can and better.
Tell the caregiver you give her permission to put your mother in her place when she acts up. You'll see a big change when she knows no one will take ger crap anymore.

Here are the lyrics for caregivers and patients alike!
No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometime you'll find
You get what you need

Is mom in independent or assisted living?? You reference both in your post, making it unclear. If she's not in AL, she needs to be. Stop jumping thru fiery hoops to make a miserable woman happy....its not going to happen. Once you accept that reality, things get easier. Don't hire anymore staff to keep her amused, it's not working. Leave mom be to use the on site services she's paying dearly for! Unless she's skin and bones, she's eating the horrible food they're serving too! Much like my mother who managed to maintain her 190 lb figure on the "tiny portions of horrible food" she was served in AL too. Snicker. Leave her alone to carve out a life for herself or to sequester herself alone in her room all day, HER CHOICE. She's a grown woman who doesn't need to be treated like a toddler even though she's acting like one.

Good luck.

OUR means are not what pays for a NH.

HER means do

I trust you are not spending any of your own funds on her care.

She spends her money and when/if it runs out, she goes on Medicaid (Medi-cal in California).

If your mom is not in need of a NH and is "Independent" then she shouldn't need any help from her adult children.

Leave her be.

Has she ever been evaluated by a Geriatric Psychiatrist for depression?

Grandma1954 August 1, 2023 3:00 pm (maybe I should have left this off...)

STOP the insanity.
She has help where she lives.
If she needs more help than is PROVIDED and PAID FOR in "Independent Living" maybe it is time to transition to Assisted Living.
Since mom is cognizant she is aware of what she is doing and understands consequences.
So sit mom down and have a conversation something like this.
"Mom we have had several caregivers and for one reason or another they have quit. You can get the help you need from the staff here so we are not going to have any more caregivers come in."

Don't back down.
She will do just fine, she may not like it but thus is life.

She needs something to keep her occupied

Cover909

When residents start making any staff bring meals to the apartment rather than in the general dining room and the person is not physically sick, this is a clue that IL may be coming to an end.
It looks like she is ready for MC. She can still be obstinate but there are more social activities provided geared to this stage. When my mom and MIL went to MC,(same facility but different times) they both had gentle pushes to get out of their rooms and join in. It was done with floor staff who would just say " aren't you going? You will have a good time"
For one last ditch effort, speak to her geriatric doctor or make an appointment with one to see if some medication will help make her more compliant.

One of my neighbors also had a mother who was no longer safe at home. Her family did have group talks with her that she would go into MC if things did not change. That fell on deaf ears and she was eventually placed. They kept their promise

She’s paying for retirement community services & she’s not happy with caregivers — so there’s 2x the cost and 2x the dissatisfaction. I’d stop offering alternatives and let it sink in that she gets what the facility offers. The more you cater to unreasonable behavior, the more you feed the monster. But I did hear that people who choose to be in a retirement community do better than those forced into it. Is she lonely because she wants the past or because she can’t make friends?

Just a clarification, please: In your first paragraph, you state Mom is in Independent living, but the description of the services she has access to (onsite hair stylist, housekeeper, activities director, etc.) make your mother's setting almost sure to be Assisted Living. But it would be good to hear from you on this, TiredOut. If your Mom is paying for Assisted Living, then the assistance available to her at her residence is what she must available herself of. Yes, please do stop hiring caregivers. I think it would be a caring extra to retain the once-weekly housekeeper friend, but only if this friend agrees to cease purchasing and delivering fast good to you Mom. If your Mom continues to send her on 'food runs', then, yes: She will lose her housekeeper family friend, too. It's important to realize that the CNA workers at Assisted Living are hourly wage earners who are prone to be 'cowed' by a mean or angry elderly. So, give up on the agency-based extra caregiver cost. DO GET TO KNOW your Mom's helpers who are on duty at the Assisted Living. In a personal interaction with them, let the personnel know that you are appreciative of their efforts, even if your mother does not seem to be. Coffee cake or breakfast muffins delivered once in a while, can go a long way to building an understanding. Perhaps some occasional flowers for their break room, on a special holiday. Letting the Activities director know that you appreciate her continuing to reach out to your mother, although you recognize how frustrating it can be to continue to engage a very negative person. You state that you are an introvert, and I respect that, but pushing yourself to show appreciation for the Assisted Living employees that your mother MUST learn to rely on: is worth the effort. Continuing to hire outside caregivers whom your Mom intimidates: is not worth the effort or expense. Direct your efforts to supporting and appreciating the Assisted Living's paid caregivers whose job it is to deal with negative and bad-tempered residents. Just knowing that the families"care": goes a long way to sustaining these beleaguered folks.

Mom sounds alert & spoiled: so was mine. Like many of you, I was the ONLY one who did (& was expected to do) everything for her. Only daughters must be caregivers, not sons. After numerous complaints, including asking me to return items to the store she insisted she hadn’t ordered: she had.) I’d had enough.
I went to the staff & asked for assistance. I was told they could provide shopping & other assistance. The extra charge was minimal & she could handle it. Fortunately I was in charge of her finances.
I told her how things were going to be. I’d be visiting her 3 days a week, but the staff would do her shopping. “Call when you need them.”I retained control over her medical purchases & did an occasional errand (repairs et al) but managed to regain some sanity. THIS must come first: take care of yourself, then others, when& where you can!

You gotta put your foot down because this has taken a toll on you! Once she is in an assisted living or in a facility, you need to practice some well deserved self care, Dearheart! She's going to do what she's going to do and it isn't a reflection on you, whatsoever! Just know it. The days of "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" are over. You aren't happy because you want her to be happy, but it does not sound like she ever will! So...put her in a nice place she could afford and take some time off for good behavior and do something to take care of you, whatever you can afford! See a friend if you can and maybe stay at her place for a night or two, like a mini vacation, but just do not call your Mom because she will bring you down. And remember: tough love!

I know you said your Mom has always been what we call “a help rejecting complainer” but her situation exacerbates her already difficult personality. If she says she is lonely, believe her. She doesn’t have a spouse or close friends any longer and her family doesn’t really like being with her and I’m sure she picks that up. Also, if she has some dementia, she forgets you just called or an anyone visited. If you can afford it, take her to a social work psychotherapist who will get paid to listen.

i don’t come on here often but I was reading your question and the various answers. I can’t find your reply saying Medi-Cal only pays for medical not custodial. Medicare pays only for medical… Medi-Cal is how you get help from IHSS and they help with custodial. Seems she needs assisted living at this point and that’s it. You’ll never be able to fully please her. Someone said that once you accept this fact then things will get easier… totally true. Don’t double up on care because it costs so much you’ll run out of money.

There are volunteers in many places who will provide a social visit to elders. You could try to find one. But be prepared for mom to reject those people as well.

My mom insisted on a paid companion when she was in independent and then assisted living. Dad went along with it and he did the hiring. It kept him off the hook, and he didn't want to take mom on her endless round of doctor appointments. Dad was careful to find companions who were on my mom's social and educational level so that she would consider them friends rather than just 'the help." They dressed nicely and mom would take them out to good restaurants for lunch. It worked. (Mom had driven away all of her real friends by this time, or they'd died.) Mom would not take the facility's provided car to appointments, though it was a Lincoln Town Car and quite comfortable. She would not go to the dining room if she didn't want to see the people there. She was superior, dontcha know. She was also a big pain in the A. If it had been up to me, I would have stopped most of the extra help so she could live like real mortals, but dad wanted it.

Then they both got really sick, and I managed their care at home until they died.

So you're not the only person who has been through some version of this, and it's up to you how to handle it. Think of what is to come and what your commitment will be as it unfolds. More disengagement at present might be the only way to save your sanity.

Most of the answers are right, but there is a helper no-one has mentioned to you. First, I know this is hard for you. I know it. We love our parents very much and we don't want them to be uncomfortable or feel alone. She doesn't have to feel this way, you don't have to feel this way. There is an answer . He is the same answer to all our problems. Pray to God for strength, guidance and peace of mind for you and your mother. Do not hire anymore caregivers unless YOU see a problem with their care, and limit your contact with mom for a little while. I don't know how long but she needs to learn to depend on others and trust them. This can all be done without being mean or disrespecting your Mom.(Not that you would ever!)Remember, there was a time when all of us could not care for ourselves , our parents had to do everything for us. That's a parents job so I'm not saying you need to repay her for that. I just think about those things when I deal with my elderly loved ones so that I can have empathy. I'll leave you with this , the bible teaches that You can do all things through Christ ,who strengthens you! I'm sure a lot of people do not believe this way anymore, but what do you have to lose. If you have tried everything else why not try Jesus too. As a nurse and homecare agency owner I have a heart for our Legacy adults, and believe me when I tell you I know exactly how difficult, rude, and mean they can be . We still love them. 1 more before I go. Proverbs 3- Trust in the Lord with everything you got and not your limited human understanding, in all things acknowledge him, and He(God) will direct you. Be blessed. I love you.

Yes, I hear you - I understand the burn out.
It isn't fun. It is challenging and difficult for you and your mom, and the facility and caregivers.

No, facilities do not offer volunteers to visit residents. You need to set that up. (I question why you thought they did/do. Wondering if you asked prior to moving your mom in this facility).

From what you say, you are expecting services from a facility which they do not provide. Talk to the social worker / administrator there to find out exactly what they provide so you will have reasonable and accurate expectations.

* Often/at times, a person (caregiver) or whoever is in 'the line of fire' feels abused and IS being abused verbally and should not acept this behavior. It is 'more' than you say:

"The agencies we've worked with seem incapable of finding anyone who can deal with a cranky old person."

Agencies do their best to find people. Period. It isn't easy to find caregivers generally speaking. People are not doing this as a 'career'. They are usually not college educated, and usually English is NOT their first language. They are people trying to make a living doing whatever they can. And caregiving is generally cooking, cleaning, managing hygiene/bathing needs.
- I am a care provider although I have a background in counseling and two years of on-line training/education in dementia (with Teepa Snow). And, it is / was not necessarily easy for me to deal with combative clients.

* Yes and No: You might try refusing to hire anymore caregivers although you mom needs their / this quality/kind of assistance, whether she wants it or not.
- You could start with trying (and doing, not just 'trying" setting CLEAR LIMITS AND BOUNDARIES with your mom. Discuss with her the 'downside' of not caregivers (or less caregiver time/support) - tell her it is 'up to you'.
- And do tell her that you do not have time to continually be interviewing or managing new caregivers 'all the time.'

Believe me, I know it is not easy. I had a client when she was 99. I worked with her for perhaps a year off and on as a 'caregiver.' While I love(d) her dearly and I still do (she is now 104), I had to stop providing care as she was TOO CRITICAL. However, I have also 'paid my dues' and worked with a very difficult person for three years because financially I had to. And, I LOVE this work although now I focus mainly offering socialization visits, organizational mgmt and managing care (supervising, hiring others).

It is important to remember that the client (your mother) is frustrated, fearful, angry at her current situation/dis-ability). However, this doesn't mean that a care provider should ever 'take abuse.' If I were working with your mother, I would likely have left too. Everyone deserves respect. Caregiving takes a very special person(ality and maturity, and heart of compassion). It requires a person to step out of their self and into the heart and mind of the person they are caring for ... which is not easy to do 'all the time.' Most people are not trained, experienced to do this at all.

Take care of yourself.
Set your mom straight. "This is how it is (now)" -
If she falls or needs assistance that she doesn't have, it is on her. Do NOT feel guilty. You want to - and are - do your best to provide her the best and safest care possible. And, you can only do so much.

See if her medication could be adjusted. To keep her calmed down.

Gena / Touch Matters

P.S. You might want to try hiring directly vs through an agency.
Do your own screening.
Ask in advance how they would handle (various situations /scenarios) -
- Ask about their experience with difficult people.
And this may be more than you want to do (hiring directly).
Agencies screen, do criminal check (or should be), and have insurance for workers' compensation, etc.

Sounds like it is best you keep working with the agencies.

Even a couple of visits with a social worker or therapist. Or / and have a three way conversation. Tell her it IS possible that if she doesn't 'adjust' and (get an attitude adjustment) that she may be required to leave and go to a place that is 'worse.' While you do not want to scare her, this could be the reality. She needs to take some personal responsibility for her behavior and it sounds like she isn't 'used' to doing that. I wonder if you consider her a narcissistic personality? Not easy street. (And so hard on her, too.)

I do not know if your mom has dementia or if she does, the degree or kind. Different kinds of dementia affect different parts of the brain.
Since she is in ind living, she likely is 'just' angry at being there and 'stumping her feet' wanting to get her own way. You must set clear boundaries with her - for your sake and hers. Gena

You wrote ‘She basically wants everything provided for her, including conversation that her fed-up and introverted son can't provide because he's sick of her constant complaints and demands.’

I sure can relate, as an introverted daughter.

We even found an awesome PSW who had so much in common with my mother and loved to chat. No - my mother kept trying to fire her and block her from entering her home.

She demanded only me, 24/7, to fulfill all her needs, including social. Is your mother expecting you to be everything to her? During this especially miserable, shadowing stage, my mother was assessed as having dementia. On the surface she seemed fine and showtimed brilliantly, but couldn’t name her town, grandkids, age, etc. Your mother may be the same. When they direct the conversation, they can appear more cognizant than they are.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: You cannot make her happy. But you can keep her safe.

If she is in a safe, suitable place, step back to see if she can solve some of her own issues (like her feigned loneliness). If she’s like my mother and always needs someone to blame (me) she may never move forward as she clings to some delusion that she can’t.

I agree with the responses. Stop hiring caregivers and let those in her IL/AL facility provide her care. My 94 yr old mother has been thru 2 beautiful AL facilities, “had it all” in both, yet she constantly complained about anything and everything. My sister and I took/take the brunt of her complaining, of course. After they couldn’t accommodate her at the 2nd AL place, after having numerous falls required 24 hr assistance, we moved her to a much smaller home. But she didn’t go without complaining, kicking and screaming.
Since being there for 8 months she has run staff off to other jobs, been to the owner/principals “office” twice for rudeness, behavior etc. We’ve read the house rules to her several times and told her if she doesn’t treat people with courtesy and respect she will have to leave to a place she really won’t like.
She is on calming meds now which sometimes help. She has her favorite caregivers and not others, because some give it right back to her. I’ve heard her say things that I wouldn’t ever dream come out of this woman’s mouth. So in reality, we’ve lost the mom we knew. She is in the best place for her and the caregivers take good care of her. She just doesn’t realize/believe how good she has it, and likely never will.
My sister and I are each others’ rock. We take our vacations and try to live our lives knowing mom is taken care of. I maybe talk to mom 1x week now, see her less. Many calls go to my VM.
Please let the AL caregivers do their job. Don’t hire any more extra care unless medically needed. Take care of YOU and live your life. And don’t stress or worry about her. It’s taken me 4 years to get to this point, and sometimes you just have to let go as hard as it is. Best wishes to you!

For some reason, I feel I should recommend having her blood tested to see if she is lacking in specifically, the B vitamins. Stress is a big factor here. I feel she is quite manipulative and anxious. I know you'd hate to medicate her, but these issues are taking such a toll on you and her caretakers, that perhaps there is something to "gentle her down". All of these kerfuffles, keep her dopamine/seratonin levels high and that feels good to her. When she makes a fuss, she feels more alive and in charge. As for refusing added expenses...perhaps she should be put in the next level of care, assisted living rather than independent living. Caretaking is difficult. It's almost as tho' the "needy one" would envelop you making you an extension of their failing body/mind. Ain't it a b....!

For some reason, I feel I should recommend having her blood tested to see if she is lacking in specifically, the B vitamins. Stress is a big factor here. I feel she is quite manipulative and anxious. I know you'd hate to medicate her, but these issues are taking such a toll on you and her caretakers, that perhaps there is something to "gentle her down". All of these kerfuffles, keep her dopamine/seratonin levels high and that feels good to her. When she makes a fuss, she feels more alive and in charge. As for refusing added expenses...perhaps she should be put in the next level of care, assisted living rather than independent living. Caretaking is difficult. It's almost as tho' the "needy one" would envelop you making you an extension of their failing body/mind. Ain't it a b.

A Geriatric Psychiatrist can prescribe medications to help her.

This is a common problem with the elderly. I wish I had solutions. Just know that no matter what you do it will likely never be enough and she will never be happy and still complain about being lonely. If what you are doing is helping keep her safe then keep doing it. The caregivers are used to being treated like that and cycling through them is not unusual.

The fact that you mention she " has always been like this ( behavior) somewhat days to me that a Geriatric Specialist or Psychologist may be helpful to a degree; they can complete assessments and provide therapy or recommendations which may include medication to assist with these " behaviors". I emphasize" behaviors" as your description paints issues such as control, entitlement, demanding, selfish to name a few. This may be part of her personality that has been deferred to and catered to over the years or it may also be S/ S of other Psy or clinical needs.
Have the Geriatric Specialist or Psychologist give you a cognitive assessment that will let you know if she cognitively can comprehend and retain conversation correctly. If so, have the conversation with her about boundaries and limitations asso with caregivers and family. Start by asking her to tell you or the Dr. why she behaves this way. She of course may balk but also it may point out some things to her and you folks. Tell her that bullying caregivers and family will not be tolerated and what the consequences are if she does.There is some validity in your thoughts to forcing her to use the staff services. She of course will not like it but it will help her build trust with them.
Either way, do not let her continue to bully staff, caregivers not you the family. Get her to one of the above specialists ASAP. They will give a " level of care needs " assessment and make referral recommendations for addressing her behaviors and bringing sanity to you the family. Don't cater to her manipulative behaviors.

Practice good self care !