Mom has refused to give any POA at all. Hospice is trying to help but mom calls all the shots. Dad doesn't know what he does but he has become very violent, makes himself dead weight, bites, scratches, kicks, head butts. His care is more than our family can endure. We did get him on hospice but now mom won't allow them to come and although it is our home, we have no say if she says no to them coming. She has tried to take over our home and says they aren't leaving. They do have a home but she would not let anyone in to help and Dad ended up in the hospital. She cannot do it alone and we wanted to help. Now due to the progression, it has been 10 months since they came, we are all but at the end of our skill set and need help. Unless she agrees we are stuck. My family doesn't even want to come home because they have to help and get punched, scratched and such trying to help. We have pleaded with the social worker but she just doesn't know what to tell us because mom holds all the power over the situation. I feel like throwing them out but I can't do that. What can we do? I love my parents and want to help but this is getting to be just too much.
Your mom should be assessed for mental impairment, she is harming everyone with her nonsense and that leads me to believe she is suffering deficits herself.
Have you thought about telling her she has to leave if she doesn't allow help? What are your plans for her after dad dies? I would definitely start thinking about that with her irrational behavior.
I pray that the SW can help you help dad.
If mom is obstructing his care, that is abuse/neglect and should be reported to Adult Protective Services.
The next time dad hits someone, call 911 and have him transported to the ER for a psych evaluation. (You will need to revoke Hospice to do this.
Have you discussed a psych eval with the Hospice nurse or social worker?)
Refuse to take him back into your home. Give the hospital his home address; if they see fit to discharge him, let him be transported there.
Drive mom back to her house and let her be in charge there.
I just read your post from last year about your mom's "spending disorder". Long term mental illness is in play here.
I would allow the State to take over guardianship of them both.
You are trying to do the right thing, but their needs are far beyond your abilities. Step back so that they can get the care they need.
If actually dementia or mentally ill herself, you may need legal guardianship.
If competent, but Mom is obstructing care for Dad, this is neglect.
I have seen a sort of similar situation where the wife totally refused all outside help for her very ill husband. Had their (barely) adult children working 24/7. Hospice dismissed too. Eventually one called EMS & he landed in hospital. Due to his serious issues no doctor would allow him home as 'unsafe discharge'. Wife competent yet in massive denial, said her husband "always had bounded back before" etc. Social Workers involved. Those children did not have time to fully find their voice but did learn to stand up to Mom (somewhat). They had a plan. The plan had professional support. They would accept Dad home ONLY with outside help & hospice allowed in. If Mom cancelled again, they would call EMS & have him transpoeted to resi hospice care (he was very close to end of life & guardianship would take too long).
I think this could work for you. With or without the Professional backup of a Social Worker or Hospice Nurse. State the rules for care IN YOUR HOME: you need more help or you will NOT help. So outside help & hospice must be allowed. Or they both leave. Him by EMS, her back to her home or a hotel.
It's a little like blackmail... So I'm thinking this though.. but that is what I think I'd do.
If she isn't his POA, then you may need to petition the court to have her evaluated as to her competency to act in his best interest. This is not a good situation for your Dad. I disagree with your assumption that unless she agrees you are stuck. Don't be afraid to go over her head in your father's interest.
Perhaps inheritance is an issue. OK, well most end up willing their house. Even if it's worth a mil, that's about $300K and change for each kid.
My ILs have refused any kind of rehab, any kind of AL, and have chosen to pay $170K per year for their 24/7. This is with some mobility loss and minor incontinence, age-related decline. At his level of care, it could be twice that.
MCs exist because they have the equipment and the people to care for people with severe dementia, and because most people don't have the means and wherewithal to turn their home into a personal NH. And as the child, you have absolutely no obligation to. Mom wants to live with you after he passes? Then it is up to her to BE THE ADULT right now and act accordingly in your home instead of acting like she can't get kicked out herself.
If she isn't his POA, then you may need to petition the court to have her evaluated as to her competency to act in his best interest. This is not a good situation for your Dad. I disagree with your assumption that unless she agrees you are stuck. Don't be afraid to go over her head in your father's interest.