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For some context, My partner (M) and I (F) are both 25 and have been together for 5 years. He has been taking care of his mother for the last few years. She was homeless but he got her into hotels and would bring her everything she needed. Eventually he was able to find her a place and shared rent with her on it and would get her groceries and take care of her. In December 2021 she started having severe health problems and has spent the last 2.5 months in the hospital. She got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. He had to make the hard decision of whether to be her caregiver. It was an incredibly hard situation but he decided that he can’t handle that right now. Understandably so, he is young and works 6 days a week. He has 3 other older siblings but none of them have a good relationship with his mother and don’t speak to her much at all. He is the only person she talks to, every day they talk on the phone and he does his best to go visit her but it is so hard for him mentally to see her in that state. Lately he is exhausted and sleeps when he doesn’t work. We’ve become distant. I’ve done my best to let him know I’m here to support him however he needs. And I’ve given him lots of space to process everything. But the last month has been so incredibly hard. He has good days and bad days and on the good days he’s so thankful for our relationship and my support. But on the bad days he says that it’s hard for him to worry about anything but his mom. He doesn’t have access to therapy because he doesn’t have insurance. So his mental health is not in a good place right now.


I guess what I’m asking is for support and advice from those who may have been in a similar situation. I am nervous for his mental health. I know he doesn’t want to break up but he just doesn’t have the capacity for a lot of things right now. What would you do in my situation? If you’d stay, How can I support him?

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My goodness, MichiganGirl, I met my ex where you live, near Detroit. I spent my 20s there, and in retrospect, they were some of the best years of my life, even though I didn't appreciate that at the time.

I kinda feel like I'm talking to myself 32 years younger, and that's said with all compassion and no condescension.

What I'd do with your BF is work out exactly HOW you jointly will help, and crucially, what your personal boundaries are. One reasonable boundary is that she can never live with you in the long-term, period.

How you may help is by helping her get into a Medicaid SNF or if there are assets perhaps an AL or MC option. If this is a long-term relationship, you do have the right,, right now, to say that you will not be the caregiver, or have him pay for the aides, or whatever your boundary is as you formulate it.


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Your boyfriend is obviously suffering from depression and sleeping when he isn't working is a clear sign of that. He wants to be a hero for his mom, but he can't do that, he's realized, and has now allowed the state to take over her care but is feeling guilty and torn about that decision. It's very hard (especially for a man, for some reason) to see his mother in this state; with Alzheimer's at play, and with him being helpless to DO something to fix her and/or the situation she's in. He's always been able to do SOMETHING up until now; to help her in some way by pitching in for rent/groceries, etc. Now he feels useless as a son and even worse that when he visits her, it causes him to feel even MORE emotions he can't process properly. All in all, a mess in which he doesn't know how to get out of.

If you were to leave him at this point in his life, he'd likely feel utter despair! If you love him, I think you need to find a way to help him THROUGH this terrible situation he's going through. Even without insurance, he should see a doctor about getting some anti-depressants. Many many doctors, when they know a patient does not have insurance, will agree to take a flat rate (reasonable) to see him and then discuss a course of treatment. He has a job and makes a salary; if he was helping his mother with rent which is no longer a necessity, he can use THAT money to help HIMSELF now by seeing a doctor. There also may be free or low cost therapy/counseling available to him via social services in his county. Or, he may be eligible for Medicaid health insurance; has he looked into that possibility? If not, he needs to b/c depression can lead to the loss of his job and even the loss of his life, God forbid. If he can get on some meds and/or get some counseling to help him, then he may be able to accept the situation mom finds herself in and come to terms with it. Then the two of you can move on with your relationship when he's not bogged down in the muck & the mire of HER situation. He, right now, can't see the forest through the trees; depression is standing in the way.

Wishing you the best of luck helping your b/f get the medical help he needs.
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herdingcats Mar 2022
This is such a compassionate and reasonable answer. Best of luck to these 2 young folks. A lot to deal with at a young age. It can make them stronger as a couple, but will take a lot of work on the part of both of them.
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Your partner needs help to realize that he can't make his mother better and she is in the best possible location given her circumstances. If you want to support him through this I think you need to think about 3 things:
1. Only he can change his mindset. You can assist him in getting help, but unless he wants to change, he won't.
2. You are young and this is a time in your life when you should be growing financially, with stability, security, and if you desire your own family. You won't be able to do this with your partner in his current state.
3. His mother could live for years or even a decade, you need to think about how this could impact your life for a very long time if you decide to stay.
I was 29 when my mother was in an accident and needed full-time care. She is still alive and I am now 53. I know my partner wouldn't have stayed with me had I dropped everything to care for her or spent all my time focused on her, not because he didn't love me, but because we had our own life to live.
I would have a plan. Help him get the mental support he needs, but also be clear about what you want from a partner. If he can't provide that within your time frame, you need to either accept the situation or leave.
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Please find an Alzheimer's caregiver group near you. He and you need some people who truly understand how this disease creates challenges for families and relationships. They can also offer solutions.

Since it seems you both have to work a lot, you both need to create a plan that allows each of you enough time to meet individual needs, your relationship needs, and then address his mom's needs. Keep talking and encouraging each other. Get help from a counsellor if need be.
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Your BF has been carrying a very heavy burden by himself at a very young age. ALZ is a very sad diagnosis and he is grieving, even though she hasn't passed he is losing her in small increments with every passing month. She eventually will no longer remember him, which is an incredibly painful thought. He knows the trajectory of her disease and there's nothing good coming, only pain and suffering.

Some churches offer grief counseling that is on a sliding fee scale or free. Sometimes there are grief support groups. He needs to do something. Maybe offer to go with him to the first one or two.

The other piece that needs addressing is that he should consider allowing her county to acquire guardianship of her so that she'll get placement into a facility where she will receive the care she needs. Eventually he won't be able to afford her monthly care. He needs to contact county social services and get an idea of what resources are available now and in the future. He can also contact his local area's Agency on Aging. May you both gain peace in your hearts on this journey.
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MichiganGal Mar 2022
thank you so much! She had been appointed a guardian by the state and is in a care facility currently provided by them.
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When a partner does this and does not see that she needs far more help than he can give, he himself has a severe problem and this will flow into your relationship. Support him as best as you can but don't expect any good to come of this while she is alive. You may not have a choice but to split if he does not wise up and place her or find her a full-time caretaker. Obviously he sees her as the most important - do you want to live like this? I would not.
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Riley2166 Mar 2022
And once you have dementia, you are g o n e - and until he accepts this, watch out - your life will be miserable and why should your life be ruined because he is so blind?
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I think it would be helpful for you to find a counselor for yourself to help you work out what would be best for you. You can also talk with the local department of aging and local support group[s] that provide info and support for families with dementia and Alzheimers. This would also help you decide how much and what you can do to help. Try not to let yourself get to frustrated with the situation. By telling him you are there for him, you have probably done the best thing for him. Don't fall into the trap of telling him what to do and try not to enable him by trying to do too much for him

Has your partner talked with the people where his mother is - they can at least refer him to places where he can get some support and make sure he understands the services they provide. Has he talked with his siblings -they may be willing to provide him with some support even if they won't deal with their mother. I also agree that if he could provide her with financial support, that he should have some money to get some counseling. He needs a lot of support to get his feelings understood and ways to deal with his concerns.
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You are young and this may come off as harsh, no person is worth giving up their youth for someone as they battle depression. This will be a long journey and your own needs and wants will take a back sit to theirs. This is no way to live out your life especially in your youth. You will never get this time back, make sure you use it wisely.

Sometime the heart just does not know what is best. When it comes to depression their is often very little friends and families can do. Even professional help may not lead to great success and it will take years even with medication. This should not be how you life out your younger years even if you stay together you will may very well come to resent your partner when your life is not how you picture it.
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Dear OP, I found your post confusing until I realised that it covered quite a long time. BF’s mother has been homeless, then hotels, then in a place with BF’s shared rent, now state Guardian and living in a place they provide for her. This must have taken most of the 5 years that you and BF have been together, since you were both 20. Now “the last month has been so incredibly hard. He has good days and bad days...but on the bad days he says that it’s hard for him to worry about anything but his mom”.

You need to look at this relationship again. Your BF certainly shouldn’t be worrying about his mother now, when she has a stable place to live and a state appointed guardian. Too much involvement in the past, with his mother at an age where she is the only one able to be in charge of her own life? Withdrawal symptoms now, perhaps? It’s so strange, it might even suggest a double life – 6 days at work and asleep the rest of the time makes that almost possible.

Whether or not he can afford therapy, he needs to sort himself out. You can’t do it for him, and you have been trying to do it for far too long. At age 25, you shouldn’t be shackling yourself to an unfixable problem. Whether or not he is ‘thankful for your support’, you need a man who stands on his own two feet.
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AlvaDeer Mar 2022
I totally missed that the state is guardian. I think then that the BF is likely enabling her not getting into the care she needs by what he's doing. His choice, but I hope he never takes on the guardianship, and I think our OP will have to make her own decisions for her own life. I didn't think it out as carefully as you did, M. I think problem is more one of the BF than the Mom if she is in guardianship of the state.
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MichiganGal: Imho, perhaps you can seek the services of a counselor for yourself.
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