For some context, My partner (M) and I (F) are both 25 and have been together for 5 years. He has been taking care of his mother for the last few years. She was homeless but he got her into hotels and would bring her everything she needed. Eventually he was able to find her a place and shared rent with her on it and would get her groceries and take care of her. In December 2021 she started having severe health problems and has spent the last 2.5 months in the hospital. She got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. He had to make the hard decision of whether to be her caregiver. It was an incredibly hard situation but he decided that he can’t handle that right now. Understandably so, he is young and works 6 days a week. He has 3 other older siblings but none of them have a good relationship with his mother and don’t speak to her much at all. He is the only person she talks to, every day they talk on the phone and he does his best to go visit her but it is so hard for him mentally to see her in that state. Lately he is exhausted and sleeps when he doesn’t work. We’ve become distant. I’ve done my best to let him know I’m here to support him however he needs. And I’ve given him lots of space to process everything. But the last month has been so incredibly hard. He has good days and bad days and on the good days he’s so thankful for our relationship and my support. But on the bad days he says that it’s hard for him to worry about anything but his mom. He doesn’t have access to therapy because he doesn’t have insurance. So his mental health is not in a good place right now.
I guess what I’m asking is for support and advice from those who may have been in a similar situation. I am nervous for his mental health. I know he doesn’t want to break up but he just doesn’t have the capacity for a lot of things right now. What would you do in my situation? If you’d stay, How can I support him?
I kinda feel like I'm talking to myself 32 years younger, and that's said with all compassion and no condescension.
What I'd do with your BF is work out exactly HOW you jointly will help, and crucially, what your personal boundaries are. One reasonable boundary is that she can never live with you in the long-term, period.
How you may help is by helping her get into a Medicaid SNF or if there are assets perhaps an AL or MC option. If this is a long-term relationship, you do have the right,, right now, to say that you will not be the caregiver, or have him pay for the aides, or whatever your boundary is as you formulate it.
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Some churches offer grief counseling that is on a sliding fee scale or free. Sometimes there are grief support groups. He needs to do something. Maybe offer to go with him to the first one or two.
The other piece that needs addressing is that he should consider allowing her county to acquire guardianship of her so that she'll get placement into a facility where she will receive the care she needs. Eventually he won't be able to afford her monthly care. He needs to contact county social services and get an idea of what resources are available now and in the future. He can also contact his local area's Agency on Aging. May you both gain peace in your hearts on this journey.
Mom was homeless and now in hotels? Do I have that right. And he in only his early 20s? Even if he was a late in life child, then Mom isn't that old?
Which is making me question if you are looking at either ONLY mental health issues OR dementia, OR both.
Also, what is the "severe health problem" that had Mom 2.5 months hospitalized, because frankly that just doesn't happen normally? Was it fully addressed or is it chronic?
And you say he is not her caretaker? Is he her POA?????
This information is crucial.
If Mom is young and dealing with an early alzheimers you have two decades or MORE. I think, without the support of other siblings I would encourage your YOUNG partner to get professional counseling about what to do, as this will DECIDE his life, and were he to become caregiver OR EVEN POA he would likely be putting his life on this altar forever. That would mean you would have a decision. Sacrifice your own young years, and please don't bring children into this, OR move on.
For myself I think that a homeless Mom I would give guardianship of the state. Let THEM support and choose care that is in her best interest for safety. I would not take this on to be frank, and I am an 80 year old with some history under my belt, and many years as a nurse.
Only your partner can decide this. AFTER he has made his decision only YOU can decide if you are on board with this or not. You already know what it looks like at best. If you stick around on Forum you will understand what it looks like at worst.
I sure wish you good luck, and again, consider seeing a licensed Social Worker who is specially trained in life transitions work. This isn't about what Mr. Freud had to say about your toilet training. This is your LIFE TODAY, and what to do with it. You are young. We aren't trained in this. You need professional help in my humble opinion.
Good luck to all of you.
The State is now responsible for her care. Your BF no longer has any say in her care. The guardian reports to the State. Is he being given rights to see her? If so, then he can visit. Take her some goodies. Buy her something new to wear. (If she is collecting SS all but a small amount goes to offset the cost of her care. The small amount is set aside in a Personal Needs Acct for her personal use)
Maybe this all has caused depression. If he belongs to a Church, maybe talk to his minister. Without insurance he really has no options.
If you were to leave him at this point in his life, he'd likely feel utter despair! If you love him, I think you need to find a way to help him THROUGH this terrible situation he's going through. Even without insurance, he should see a doctor about getting some anti-depressants. Many many doctors, when they know a patient does not have insurance, will agree to take a flat rate (reasonable) to see him and then discuss a course of treatment. He has a job and makes a salary; if he was helping his mother with rent which is no longer a necessity, he can use THAT money to help HIMSELF now by seeing a doctor. There also may be free or low cost therapy/counseling available to him via social services in his county. Or, he may be eligible for Medicaid health insurance; has he looked into that possibility? If not, he needs to b/c depression can lead to the loss of his job and even the loss of his life, God forbid. If he can get on some meds and/or get some counseling to help him, then he may be able to accept the situation mom finds herself in and come to terms with it. Then the two of you can move on with your relationship when he's not bogged down in the muck & the mire of HER situation. He, right now, can't see the forest through the trees; depression is standing in the way.
Wishing you the best of luck helping your b/f get the medical help he needs.
Sometime the heart just does not know what is best. When it comes to depression their is often very little friends and families can do. Even professional help may not lead to great success and it will take years even with medication. This should not be how you life out your younger years even if you stay together you will may very well come to resent your partner when your life is not how you picture it.
You need to look at this relationship again. Your BF certainly shouldn’t be worrying about his mother now, when she has a stable place to live and a state appointed guardian. Too much involvement in the past, with his mother at an age where she is the only one able to be in charge of her own life? Withdrawal symptoms now, perhaps? It’s so strange, it might even suggest a double life – 6 days at work and asleep the rest of the time makes that almost possible.
Whether or not he can afford therapy, he needs to sort himself out. You can’t do it for him, and you have been trying to do it for far too long. At age 25, you shouldn’t be shackling yourself to an unfixable problem. Whether or not he is ‘thankful for your support’, you need a man who stands on his own two feet.
Your boyfriend is stressed, depressed, and probably has anxiety. You might have to help him to find help. There are plenty of free support groups that can be helpful to him.
Alzheimer's does not go away. He will be his mom's caregiver forever, until she dies.
So, if you remain with him, YOU will end up as a caregiver by default, for your boyfriend and his mom.
If you don't want to be his mom's caregiver, then you will have to leave the relationship.
Can you, would you consider sharing - say - one or two per week of the visits and daily phones call so that he can ring-fence those evenings for himself? What's your working pattern like?
At first he'd refuse, of course; but you can work on that. There are lots of reasons for him to accept your taking over part of the burden including:
two heads are better than one
it's a benefit to his mother for an outsider to take a sympathetic interest in her
she may possibly tell you things she can't say to him, so he'll get broader information and
[fake it to make it, if need be]
you want to get to know her.
People with dementia, people with mental illness, are people. I understand of course why he finds it so hard to see her how she is; but the stigma, fear and repulsion that go with these conditions are almost the biggest part of the problem. Maybe that's the bit you can help him with.
"That is not my decision, it is up to X. I come visit to see you and spend time with you. There is no point in asking me to do things I can't do, or in wishing that your situation were different." Something along those lines...
This is a chance for him to be supportive of her and meet some of her needs for socialization.
Keeping his visits under an hour, going prepared with a small gift (a couple of pieces of fruit or candy, a magazine or newspaper, a small flowering plant from the grocery store)and having a couple of ideas of what to talk about (weather, his work, a positive experience they shared in past, what she had for lunch, etc.) might help him keep the visit going in a way that is not emotionally draining for him.
She did the best she could, and now she is in a place where her basic needs are met and there is a responsible decision maker who doesn't have a big emotional attachment to her.
So much sadness for his mom and for him.
Give what you can give with an open heart...and consider a therapist for yourself to help you sort out what is best for you.
1. Only he can change his mindset. You can assist him in getting help, but unless he wants to change, he won't.
2. You are young and this is a time in your life when you should be growing financially, with stability, security, and if you desire your own family. You won't be able to do this with your partner in his current state.
3. His mother could live for years or even a decade, you need to think about how this could impact your life for a very long time if you decide to stay.
I was 29 when my mother was in an accident and needed full-time care. She is still alive and I am now 53. I know my partner wouldn't have stayed with me had I dropped everything to care for her or spent all my time focused on her, not because he didn't love me, but because we had our own life to live.
I would have a plan. Help him get the mental support he needs, but also be clear about what you want from a partner. If he can't provide that within your time frame, you need to either accept the situation or leave.
Has your partner talked with the people where his mother is - they can at least refer him to places where he can get some support and make sure he understands the services they provide. Has he talked with his siblings -they may be willing to provide him with some support even if they won't deal with their mother. I also agree that if he could provide her with financial support, that he should have some money to get some counseling. He needs a lot of support to get his feelings understood and ways to deal with his concerns.
Since it seems you both have to work a lot, you both need to create a plan that allows each of you enough time to meet individual needs, your relationship needs, and then address his mom's needs. Keep talking and encouraging each other. Get help from a counsellor if need be.
You are both too young to manage this situation. You are ill equipped. There are organizations, agencies, services, etc., many non-profit, with teams of people who have years of training and education that will take care of this and then go home at the end of their day when another shift of people take over.
You DO NOT take care of her. You see that she is TAKEN CARE OF then back off and focus on your life.
What if you become pregnant? What if you have a special needs child? Become a solid and stable adult for your own life's curve balls.
What do you mean support him? Are you Bill Gates? Or maybe you have a PhD in mental health or family studies?
You are romantizing a festering monster. This is NOT what either of you should be doing. It's a disasterous whirlpool that will spit you both out in tatters. Think of a lost future.
At 25 your only job is to eat and live healthy, sleep well, get training, sock money away, listen to Youtube lectures about budgeting and how to buy a house. As a young person use that extra energy to shore up for the elderly you. I'm here to tell you it going to be tough and a big surprise.
Travel, or if you can't join a group of people that share a fun hobby. I know one young person who is crazy nuts about playing a particular instrument and just jams, not to get famous, but for pleasure with friends. I recently met a young lady that works part-time in a fabric store. She loves to make costumes for students in school plays and plans to make theatre costume making her profession.
You don't have to go to college. Learn a trade or become great at a hobby. Hang with people who are uplifting. These are the things you should be thinking about at your age. You should not go down this path. But if you insist, take a photo of yourself today, and then again in 2 years, and then when another 5 years flys by you'll look like 40 at 32.
You're not going to be helpful.
You don't even know what BF is like as a partner, without his priority with his mother for the entire time you have been together.