I live with my grandmother as an agreement reached before her failing mental health and the death of my grandpa, her husband of 73 years. Her POA has moved from California to be near us and is aware of her failing mental state. She tells me I overreact after continuously begging her for help. My mother has summoned her to find help, even providing numbers and names and how to yet she has failed to do so. How can I go about making use of that information? I can’t wait anymore I will end up in the hospital with a heart attack. I am 45 years old and these last 2 years have been a slippery slope. family visits for maybe 2 hours once a week, she def does the "show timers" thing and she’s acting out in front of my 11-year-old daughter. the POA has made no attempt whatsoever in FEAR SHE WOULD BE BLAMED FOR PUTTING HER IN A HOME. I need help!
Many caregivers come to forum after years of caring for elders without a clear contract for pay to tell us them are homeless, jobless, and with broken physical and mental health. This is to say nothing about what they subject their children to if they drag them into these situations.
I wish you good luck.
If Grandma is not competent, this might be a good time to contact an Elder Law Attorney about having a court appointed Conservator/Guardian who will act in your Grandmother’s best interest.
These are really tough situations. Best Wishes
I can only guess that you moved in with your grandmother for financial reasons. Do you have an income that would make it possible for you to leave?
Before going all legal, leaving, APS etc - how about a family intervention? If Mom is in your corner, arrange a meeting with Mom, POA, Grandmother & yourself. This is where good old fashioned clear honest talk comes in.
Keep it simple.
Grandma needs more help.
State I am willing to do THIS much (list it). OTHER help must be arranged to fill the gaps: in-home or AL/NH.
Ask Grandma what her preferences are. She may have insight or not, but it's good to involve her & see how she feels about things.
The POA's priority seems to be avoiding a NH or maybe avoiding any strangers (or avoid spending $). This is SO common. Or plain old denial. Again, common (unfortunately).
Explain a NEW way to look at things is to change the priorities to *ensuring Grandmother has enough care*.
Maybe the POA made the mistake of promising 'No Nursing Home ever'. Silly - but people do.. POA can arrange copious amounts of in-home care without breaking that promise anyway.
Grandma has dementia and is probably not decisional so asking her preference is probably not going to work.
I tried everything
Whatever living arrangement has been made you need to look for other arrangements if placing grandma in a facility is in the future.
Send a letter, I would send certified, to the POA and inform the POA that under the current conditions you can no longer SAFELY care for grandma.
Outline what changes need to be made in order for you to continue caring for her.
Pick a date that the changes need to be made by. If there has been no improvement then tell the POA that for grandma's safety and yours you will no longer be able to care for her.
You could contact APS and inform them that as of (give the date you gave POA) grandma will be an at risk senior living by herself with no caregiver.
Why would you put yourself in that position? It doesn't matter you were trying to help.
My sibling wanted to move my mom into my living room, along with her living in my home. I said no. I could handle mom, but not her. She would enjoy controlling my life, my husb life, my mom life, my home. And I had no authority, or POA to even by 1 depends. You never give over your life to someone else. They will enjoy controlling you while making you miserable and wont care if you have a heart attack. And you better not sign anything!
My sibling tried to get me to sign paperwork for a nursing home. So did the admin. Wanted me to come in to talk. I refused both thank goodness! Pushed mult times, tried to tell me its no big deal, just sign that person was receivedin nursing home. No way!!! I would owe millions if I did.
I got sent a bill and I'm not poa. My sibling laughed and did nothing. I was getting sued. She stop paying bill. I had to get a lawyer. That shocked her.
You need to get yourself out of that situation if you have to threaten to call the police to remove your loved one. Or sue poa. She's not doing her job. She's hoping to save money for her inheritance. I'd also make up a itemized list of things you paid for and your time cargiving. She owes you thousands. Get a lawyer. They will help you sue her and get money you are owed. Her care is not free. The lawyer will wait to be paid. If they want a retainer up front, call another. My lawyer didn't ask for payment up front. We found out all sorts of horrible shenanigans, I would have never found out on my own. Even my lawyer was shocked.
She's not going to without huge pushback. She's laughing you put yourself in such a position. So your going to have to get nasty. Doesn't matter if that isn't you. It wasn't me either. But I got results I would have never got on my own. Now go get a backbone and do it!!! You are not letting down your loved one. You are helping yourself, and her get proper care she needs. And you will find out if shes doing anything with the money, she shouldnt be doing. It's over your pay grade now. Get on this right away.
To stand up for herself. How much time do you have left, to see to your dayghter, bc all your time is taken up with cargiving. You need time with her too. Good luck.
Why would you put yourself in that position? It doesn't matter you were trying to help.
My sibling wanted to move my mom into my living room, along with her living in my home. I said no. I could handle mom, but not her. She would enjoy controlling my life, my husb life, my mom life, my home. And I had no authority, or POA to even by 1 depends. You never give over your life to someone else. They will enjoy controlling you while making you miserable and wont care if you have a heart attack. And you better not sign anything!
My sibling tried to get me to sign paperwork for a nursing home. So did the admin. Wanted me to come in to talk. I refused both thank goodness! Pushed mult times, tried to tell me its no big deal, just sign that person was receivedin nursing home. No way!!! I would owe millions if I did.
I got sent a bill and I'm not poa. My sibling laughed and did nothing. I was getting sued. She stop paying bill. I had to get a lawyer. That shocked her.
You need to get yourself out of that situation if you have to threaten to call the police to remove your loved one. Or sue poa. She's not doing her job. She's hoping to save money for her inheritance. I'd also make up a itemized list of things you paid for and your time cargiving. She owes you thousands. Get a lawyer. They will help you sue her and get money you are owed. Her care is not free. The lawyer will wait to be paid. If they want a retainer up front, call another. My lawyer didn't ask for payment up front. We found out all sorts of horrible shenanigans, I would have never found out on my own. Even my lawyer was shocked.
You need to get a backbone. You can't wine poor me, and expect her to step up. She's not going to without huge pushback. She's laughing you put yourself in such a position. So your going to have to get nasty. Doesn't matter if that isn't you. It wasn't me either. But I got results I would have never got on my own. Now go get a backbone and do it!!! You are not letting down your loved one. You are helping yourself, and her get proper care she needs. And you will find out if shes doing anything with the money, she shouldnt be doing. It's over your pay grade now. Get on this right away. Good luck.
Why would you put yourself in that position? It doesn't matter you were trying to help.
My sibling wanted to move my mom into my living room, along with her living in my home. I said no. I could handle mom, but not her. She would enjoy controlling my life, my husb life, my mom life, my home. And I had no authority, or POA to even by 1 depends. You never give over your life to someone else. They will enjoy controlling you while making you miserable and wont carw if you have a heart attack. And you better not sign anything!
My sibling tried to get me to sign paperwork for a nursing home. So did the admin. Wanted me to come in to talk. I refused both thank goodness! Pushed mult times. I would owe millions if I did. I got sent a bill and I'm not poa. My sibling laughed and did nothing. I was getting sued. Thanks to her. I had to get a lawyer. That shocked her.
You need to get yourself out of that situation if you have to threaten to call the police to remove your loved one. Or sue poa. She's not doing her job. She's hoping to save money for her inheritance. I'd also make up a itemized list of things you paid for and your time cargiving. She owes you thousands. Get a lawyer. They will help you sue her and get money you are owed. Her care is not free. The lawyer will wait to be paid. If they want a retainer up front, call another. My lawyer didn't ask for payment up front. We found out all sorts of horrible shenanigans I would have never found out on my own.
You need to get a backbone. You can't wine poor me, and expect her to step up. She's not going to without huge pushback. She's laughing you put yourself in such a position. So your going to have to get very nasty. Doesn't matter if that isn't you. It wasn't me either. Buy I got results I would have never got on my own. Now go get a backbone and do it!!! You are not letting down your loved one. You are helping yourself and her get proper care she needs. It's over your pay grade. Good luck.
Tell the POA you don't want her to do ANYTHING but be a visitor....tell her you want her to let you do everything you normally do (bring her her meals, clean up as needed, etc, etc), so she can see what you go through.
I doubt it will take anywhere near two weeks for her to see the issues....the newness and showtiming probably will only last for a day, then it will become normal and she will act like she normally does, I'll bet.
But I also agree with what someone else said...your daughter is living this with you. How is living with this going to shape her mind going forward? Are you able to spend quality time with your daughter, or is she just existing while you pander to your grandmother's every demand? How are you going to feel about that later in life?
(copy and paste into search window)
https://www.myflfamilies.com/service-programs/adult-protective-services/protecting-vulnerable-adults.shtml
If she gets out-of-control, call 911 and send her to the hospital for a 72 hour hold.
Let the POA know that you will not think twice completely abandoning your grandmother if it comes to that. It likely won't but if it does, have an exit strategy in place for yourself and your child.
You can also visit the probate court in your town and petition the court for conservatorship over your grandmother and her finances.
The current POA is derelict in their duty. When a person has medical/financial POA for another person they are legally obligated to not only administer that person's money and assets appropriately, but they must also act on their behalf in their best interests.
It is not in your grandmother's best interests for the POA to refuse to release any funds to go towards her care needs. This is illegal. Please go to the probate court in your area and talk with them. Then petition for conservatorship (which is higher than POA) for your grandmother.
If your state has an Ombudsman's Office or Agency on Aging, I would recommend you speak to them. A call to APS won't go amiss either because financial abuse is also a form of elder abuse. Snitch on this POA straight away to them. Your mother really should be talking to these agencies as well.
In the meantime, when she is lashing out in front of your daughter, you stop her in her tracks. Cut her off. Whatever you have to do or say to her do it. DO NOT allow your child to live in abuse for one second more. Abuse is abuse whether it comes from dementia or not.
I would strongly suggest contacting your state's Dept of Elderly Affairs for assistance. Request that an in-home evaluation to be done as to the risks related to your grandmother's mental and physical health. Is her failing mental state due to dementia or other mental health issues?
What does her PCP say about her overall health?
Who is the POA? It seems like your mother doesn't know who this person is or has had a falling out with the POA and your grandmother.
The POA is afraid of losing what financial windfall he/she anticipates upon your grandmother's death not necessarily placement in a nursing facility which seems that the family is requesting.
Get the state in to do the evaluation and if necessary to disqualify the POA and placement of grandmother into a nursing facility for better care.
What does her PCP say about her overall health?
Who is the POA? It seems like your mother doesn't know who this person is or has had a falling out with the POA and your grandmother.
The POA is afraid of losing what financial windfall he/she anticipates upon your grandmother's death not necessarily placement in a nursing facility which seems that the family is requesting.
Get the state in to do the evaluation and if necessary to disqualify the POA and placement of grandmother into a nursing facility for better care.
Some of the language you have used in this request for help is very strong and if you and your mother are using this language when talking with the POA it is no wonder why you keep getting push back. Tone down your frustrations and use gentler language to promote better caregiving for your grandmother.
Or ask specifically for a certain amount of paid assistance hours out of grandma's money. Specific. X number of hours per day per week. Same ultimatum - if you can't arrange payment for this, I will be moving out on X date and you can provide or arrange for grandmother's care as of that date....I can no longer do this alone.
Bottom Line: Blaming means that there is less money in the pot when the will is read --
Include copies to family with whom you don’t want to hurt by your departure so they understand all the circumstances and you won’t be smeared in a campaign by the POA.
Keep in mind, if you leave, the POA may permanently block you from visiting your grandmother.
. I know that is so hard to do, but in time you may look back at leaving as the best decision you made.
"...your daughter is living all of this with you, and it does have an impact on her. (...)sometimes, as hard as you try, your daughter's needs come last....or she hides what she is feeling/thinking as she does not want to burden you".
Additionally, I believe you 100% when you write that the stress and hopelessness will give you a heart attack. You must make changes right now, today: don't tarry.
Your literal life is at risk, and your daughter's whole life too. What will she do if you die due to this unendurable situation? At age 11 she will have no-one to rely upon, and what a grotesque story she will have to tell curious people: "oh, my mom died because she gave her health and happiness and then her life caring for great-grandma with dementia, no-one else would step up so she did, and died because of it".
If you die, who is going to step up to lovingly raise your 11 year old daughter? Obviously, no-one will. Because no-one will help YOU when you beg for help, so why would they change their stripes and help your little girl when she would be motherless and crying out for their help?
I know my message is harsh and shocking, and that is because I am trying to shock you into seeing this situation clearly. You must make immediate changes before you die or have a stroke and become incapacitated yourself and your daughter left motherless.
Save your daughter. Save yourself.
Notify your grandmother's physician of her care needs and have her assessed for accurate care needs replacement .
Let the POA know that you will be calling Adult Protective Services to report the patient care needs and POA not cooperating if the POA continues to be in denial and refuses to be compliant with patient care needs ( which are far greater than one relative living in the house with her for her care).
A successor POA cannot take over unless the original POA steps down or is removed legally
I learned the hard way that you don’t do any caretaking for someone unless you are the one with medical & financial POA……..they have all the control
That is the best advice on the thread. Never do any family caretaking unless you are the medical and financial POA.
She lived an hour away and worked full time. She wasn’t available for medical issues, so I called her lawyer and complained she has shingles and needs care today! “Linda” would only drive up on 1 weekend day.
My cousin also hired a live in person off a registry, who had been arrested for assault, so she crossed over to CT., from Mass to get work. OMG!
I fired her when I found out.
The entire time was chaos and arguing with family mad, they no longer had access to her checkbook.
Lawyer talked “Linda”,into signing POA to me since my mother kept calling me for help.
Good luck, I mean it- 🤗
Perhaps, a visit to a Neuro-Psy Geriatrician for an assessment every six months.
Also, Grandma's primary care doc can do an assessment too and write a script for a "day" 4-hour morning one day a week respite program in the neighborhood. They provide hot meals, exercise and with insurance you can request physical and occupational therapies.
No one person can do this alone. It sounds like you are in the trenches and the POA has the control. This is not a good situation for any of the above aforementioned.
The POA probably thinks what are you complaining about thinking that you are probably living there "rent free". Your mother is probably stressed out thinking her sister has the power to call the shot while the both of you (mother/daughter) are in it so to speak.
You have the proper paperwork in place before you do another thing. Contact an Elder Attorney and a Social Worker. You have to have paper trail for everything these days and I recommend you do it soon.
Enough said...
Note the reaction you get.
Hopefully, acceptance. With a Right, will need to book some 24/7 help or book Grandma into some sort of respite care then.
If you are met with straight out no, you can't, heavy guilting or anger - treat this as educational. Teaching you about this situation. Leave it for 2 days. Then call again & remind about the dates & what needs to be arranged & paid for.
If after a few days you are still getting nowhere, you may even consider contacting APS to report the situation & for advise?
Your week away will be a good chance to reassess. Basically Grandma's care plan needs to work for you & as you are such a major part of it. As her needs increase, so must her care team. Keeping someone at home is a fine aim, as long as this does not cause harm - to her or you!
I always knew he was a narcissist who tried to control every single person he was ever in a relationship with…..they all left him & rightly so.
Before I left I told him “you might be able to control mom but you’ll never control me”.