My parents had all 4 children put as Healthcare POAs in order by oldest first. My mother was hospitalized last year for 2 weeks before her passing and the oldest (by law) wasn't keeping the other 3 informed or asking about decisions. Now we have had to place father in nursing facility and I'm afraid of the same thing happening. The oldest barely knows my father and I'm worried we will not be informed of decisions that may need to be made. Is there anything we can do??
My brother is exactly like yours but in my case I am not included at all. And he let me know things would not be 50/50. So I am just out of the loop and at this point am not obligated to do much. Good luck to you.
I can see the difficulty from both sides, not least because I am my mother's main (read: sole) caregiver and I imagine my siblings probably feel the same about my decision-making practices. My problem is - they're not THERE! So when a decision needs to be made, and it's more or less a here-and-now one, what should I do? Added to the logistics, there's also the point that although I do update them, I get very little feedback. I often feel like saying: "want to know more about how mother's getting on? Meet me halfway - express an interest!" There's nothing I'm not happy to discuss with them, but I have no idea how much they want to know. And sometimes explaining the background to a given decision would mean having to fill them in on about 3 years' worth of medical notes - there isn't time.
So, to repeat, keep calling, keep asking, make sure he can't possibly think you don't want to be as closely involved as possible. But in the end, one person does have to make the decisions; and for better or worse he's it. As far as you can, support him.
Looking ahead, would he agree that he doesn't know your (and presumably his?) father well? If so, and you can touch on the subject without rancour, I expect there is a mechanism for his resigning medical POA in favour of the next sibling in line; you could try broaching the idea.
I'm a fine one to talk: I've recently decided against giving exactly this kind of information sheet to my brother and SIL; but, in my defence, that's because I'm afraid of its being misunderstood, miscommunicated and/or misused (my SIL has "form" on this). But if my mother ever does go to stay in their care (over my dead body she will, as things stand, but IF) - then she will arrive with a full clinical history pinned to her chest.
I feel for you. I hear snippets about how "overprotective" I am, and "too attached," and "too close to see what's best for her" - as if I'd do a better job if I were as ignorant of her likes, dislikes and current condition as they are! You're now in a horrible situation of being forced to trust people to get things right when you actually do not trust them to. I'll keep my fingers crossed that you can get the message through soon.
I don't know if this would work in the States, but I'd call the hospital, ask to be put through to the ward, then ask the nurses' station to page one of my father's team and try to speak to them direct. You may not be POA but you are still a close relative with a legitimate interest in your father's wellbeing - it's worth a try? Obviously (I know you know) you'd only ask direct questions about your father and give factual information about what you know about his health; you wouldn't be critical of others.
Best case scenario, they weren't giving you answers because they hadn't had any results to speak of. Hope you get better news soon. I agree that people will reap what they sow - but I don't see how that helps you stop worrying about your father!