My mother owns two homes and land that she obviously expects my husband and I to take care of. We have our own home and yard to mow and my husband still works full time. I don't know how to push back on her when she complains about everything "going downhill" and needing work. I suggested a neighbor man and a relative to help out and she threw her little tantrum. We cannot keep up with the work and she controls the money and receives crop money to maintain the property. I am the trustee but she blabs everything to her nosy sisters so I have to be careful what I say and do. They judge me and would think I'm taking advantage if I were to take over her finances. The properties are needing work but I'm 60 years old with a bad back and do the mowing myself. Where does this end?
Does the trust make a provision of funds for such work? If so, do it -- and who cares if anyone gets suspicious or cranky or gossipy over it. Anyone who complains should be told that they are welcome to come do it themselves.
You can only do so much. I would have your Mom's cognition tested. If you are her PoA you need to make decisions in her best interests. This does NOT mean you do the work yourself or struggle to find freebees for her (as this is no longer sustainable or in the realm of reality).
If you don't harden yourself against the mere opinions of others then you are not the right person to be trustee. Don't make emotional decisions or they will surely be bad decisions.
I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart as you manage the trust.
So, act like it. If mom throws a tantrum, leave. You and your husband and your needs are at least as important as mom's! It seems as if you're still feeling that you are the little child who must obey mom or be punished. Is that appropriate now? Is acting out the old family dramas useful in any way?
Where does it stop? It stops when you become the grownup. I wish you luck in learning how to do that because it's going to get worse as mom's health declines. It would be best for you and husband if you survive her and inherit those properties that she's dangling in front of you like carrots on a stick.
What do you mean by, your mother owns two properties but you are the Trustee? What are you the Trustee of? Do the homes and land belong to your mother, or to a Trust?
At one time my Dad even asked for me to resign from work. Since during my career I had to break a few glass ceilings, I wasn't ready to quit. So I asked my Dad if he had resigned from his career to take care of his parents? He said "no", and never asked me again.
Take some time for yourself and maybe work out where you and hubby might like to live when he retires. You two have a life to live and you deserve to live it.
This is quite ridiculous of her to expect you to do free labor.
Learn the word “ No” and stop caring what anyone including nosey aunts think.
2. Tell Mom you and your husband can no longer do the work and she will need to find someone.
3. Ignore anything she says to the sisters. Who cares.
4. It sounds like Mom is financially comfortable. She needs to be outsourcing this.
or
2. use your written power as Trustee to become in charge of all property management. You take all that paperwork and either speak to the atty who did it or another atty who does estate planning and trusts,, so that you can pay for all work being done on the land, lay it’s costs, and pay yourself a management fee.
Is it an actual working farm / ranch? So how are workers being paid to do work / harvesting?
Or it is dead land that gets a payment from USDA to stay out of commerce? Who is doing the paperwork on this? and is she paying the property taxes and are they current? I’d check on both of these cause if these aren’t being dealt with, it helps establish that all control of the trust need to go to you as Trustee as she’s incapable.
Your mother sounds like a bit of a bully and will take advantage of your peace-loving nature. You have to stand up to her. Will she get mad? Sure - whatever. Your job is not to keep her happy but to manage the property. I believe she is the type of person who will always criticize, so pleasing her is a lost cause. I had a mother like that. I decided to do what I thought was right no matter how she reacted. It meant that she and her affairs were well looked after and my conscience was clear. She wasn't going to be happy with me no matter what I did.
((((hugs)))). I know what it is like
I sold my house so I didn’t have to deal with it in my old age but somehow my parents assumed we should take care of theirs. It was infuriating but I lived there six months out of the year and so I did it. But everyone’s needs would have been better served if they sold their house and went into AL.
In general, you have to stop letting her bait you. You have to realize that she is doing this to get a charge out of it, and your reactions are her reward. I know you have hopes to get the land at some point but your mom isn't even 80 years old. She could be here for 15+ years and every single moment you'll have to watch everything you say and do so she doesn't disinherit you? From land that you can't do much with because of your physical problems?
"Mom, my sciatica is acting up again and my Doctor says I am prohibited from mowing. Husband has his own obligations."
Just stop mowing. Let her find someone. She shoots you down when you make suggestions so back way off. If things go downhill, they go downhill.
Your Mom could easily live another 20 years or more if she has 3 sisters
in her 70's and 80's.
It sounds like mom can afford to hire a lawncare service to maintain her properties.
I, too, am in my 60's, with arthritis in my knees and hips. I can no longer keep up my own yard maintenance, so I hired a landscaper to come monthly. I don't like the cost, but it needs to be done, and I can't do it myself.
Don't pay any heed to mom's tantrums. That is a manipulation tactic, and it seems to be working. As long as it is working, she'll keep working it.
It takes courage, but the relationship has switched rolesfrom decades ago and you and your husband are not obligated to run yourself ragged to work for her. Suggest viable alternatives (ie, selling the property, hiring caretakers/handymen, etc by using HER funds). Make it clear that it is her choice on how to handle her property without you both doing the hands on work.