I care for my 90 year old father and my siblings are accusing me of neglect and abuse. My family and I have shared a house with my father for over 37 years. My siblings visit infrequently and in the last 3 years my father's health has deteriorated. Stroke, diabetes, partial hip replacement, pacemaker surgery, gangrene and depression, over the last 3 months he has refused to seek medical help and has all but stopped eating. Short of force feeding him and physically caring him to the hospital I haven't been able to get him any help.
I've spoken to advice nurses and his primary doctor all saying that if he doesn't want medical help then there is nothing I can do. But now I'm being told that I have to make him go to the doctor and make him eat because I'm legally responsible. My father makes all his own decisions, no one has power of attorney and my siblings are blaming me for my father's failing health. I finally convinced my father to seek medical help and he was admitted with pneumonia and my siblings reported me to APS, the case was closed because there was no evidence of abuse or neglect; then my siblings reported me to the hospital. No matter what I do I'm being blamed and harassed by my siblings yet they won't take responsibility for my father. I need to find help, because I'm afraid that the situation with my siblings will only get worse, I don't know what to do.
Last year, he started coughing badly. When he was coughing up phlegm, I knew it was getting serious. I tried to get him to go to the clinic. He refused. Our attorney general's pet project is elderly abuse. So, I was terrified that if father died, I would be used as an example of elderly neglect/abuse. Dad's phlegm became brownish. He still refused. In desperation, because i Knew he had pneumonia, I called 911. The operator was Not going to send the ambulance because father said he will refuse them entry. I Begged them to please at least try. They came, they asked question (he passed, no POA and not declared incompetent) and left without any documentation. Then I called APS - and the lady said that if my father refuses medical help, that is HIS choice. She then gave me the elder lawyer. I went in person, got interviewed, and was told that if father refuses medical help, then there's nothing they can do, nor I can do. It is his right to refuse medical care. So, I then went to his insurance to try to get one of the doctors do a home visit. The insurance told me very firmly that NONE of their doctors do house call. And none of them will prescribe meds without seeing the patient. She then gave me a number to go to - APS! I was getting the run-around.
In my case, I did my best to get help for my dad who refused medical intervention. No Paper Trails in all that phone calls and visits. So , in the future, if he refuses to go to the clinic, I will be panicking like I did before.
First thing to do is get a lawyer. A good lawyer! Best to find a lawyer Familiar with the Elderlies. I will check another poster here on AC if she can give you some tips. She went thru what you went thru - and still is. Get a lawyer would be your first priority. Hope it all goes wel.
So, I know if you're involved that you're probably worried about your Dad. You probably haven't stepped out of this because you care about him. But, at this point, you need to take the time you've been spending on his welfare and put it toward your own welfare. It might sound selfish to think about doing that, but it's not. You have to make sure you cover yourself on this.
First, you need to get your father, if he is competent, to sign a POA for health and financial decisions. You should explain to him that without it, the decisions for his care will go to the State and you siblings will have a certain amount of say in that. Would he rather you have the legal responsibility for assisting him or the system? Does he want the siblings to have anything to say about his treatment? If not, then he NEEDS to give you POA. He can make his wishes known in the POA and then it would be your responsibility to abide by them. If he is not competent, you need to file with the court for guardianship and conservatorship (if there are assets). StandingAlone knows about this first hand. Her mother refused to give anyone POA, so the State ended up making the decisions. It was a nightmare for her, and a very difficult decision. And she is right, the hell with your siblings! You need to follow your dad's wishes. You seem to be the only one with a thick skin that can handle the emotional upheaval that these situations often cause. There are similar stories all through this site.
And Book is right as well, you NEED an attorney, a good one, a litigator (should it become necessary), to represent you and your father. I realized I needed an attorney when my siblings requested an investigation of me by APS. If you were in my state, I would know who you should retain. But check the website AVVO to find an attorney, make sure that person is a litigator, or you will have to start all over again. I found this out the hard way after retaining an attorney that specialized in preparing trust documents, wills, and plans for Medicaid by protecting assets.
I was shocked when APS showed up the door and thought that sisters had accused me of physical or emotional abuse. But, the charges were financial exploitation which absolutely floored me since they KNEW there was nothing of the sort occurring and of course, no physical or emotional abuse either. They could be brought up on charges of false reporting. APS also closed the cases, yes there were two of them, one for my mom, the other for her hubby. The APS investigator actually told me that this was nothing but a spiteful and vengeful act by siblings.
Nothing like vindictive siblings to make a difficult job almost impossible. In my case I think the sibs did this to try to get me to turn tail and run. But, now really, wouldn't that have made me look terribly guilty? So, hang in there, forget about siblings, they have ulterior motives, and may be to relieve their guilt for not assisting by getting you out of there, one way or the other. One sib tried this with other sib two years ago, and was sort of a bribe by making a donation to other sibs cause in exchange for joining forces with her to get me out. I have seen so many bizarre things from sibs, that never in a million years would I have expected to see. I have very little to do with the sib that holds POA's that is another nightmare, and nothing to do with the other. I still keep them both updated on mom's condition, but only receive one acknowledgement and pat on the back. But our battle continues.
My sister will have mum in paris in april for 12 days!!!!! lets see how she manages? It makes my blood boil when they do nothing towards care then blame you for everything how dare they.
Just keep telling the doc whats happening it is very scary when siblings have the cheek to accuse you of abuse if mine ever did this id walk away.
Siblings cause so much stress and crap there should be a law to jail them for "NEGLECT".
You know my mum broke the washing machine as she puts what she wants into it? i told my brother not to let her out there to the machine also its dangerous as theres a leak in the roof? i lock the door when im out so she cant go out there and have told him this when i get back hes let her out there with his key and now a new machine that we cant afford? Great support but its made me so mad that I know i will have to leave and my brother will have to look after her as im waisting my time here with his stupidity.
My poor mum its not her fault she dosnt know what shes doing but him not listening to me is going to drive me into a looneybin.
He does whatever she asks and ignores me so i may leave and let him at it i wonder how long he will last?
They have no idea the stress they cause us they should be licking our feet for caring for thier parent but no just drive us mad with thier crap. To accuse you of abuse is the lowest ive heard shame on them.
When he passes you will know you did the right thing! Hugs and heres to family EH??
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