Our mother is 87 years old. My brother argues with her every few weeks, to the point where he is yelling/screaming at her. My mom could be a little less combative herself I feel, but bottom line is she is 87 and my brother needs to control themselves better.
Since it's happening with such frequency of every 3 or so weeks, I'm starting to look in to how to go about reporting someone for elder abuse. There is no physical abuse going on, but the psychological is enough. Also, it seems to be similar arguments every time.
I'm wondering, would the sibling be removed from the house? Would they be incarcerated? If so, would they or the family have to pay any money? For what it's worth we are in Alabama, if that makes a difference. Thank you for any feedback.
APS charges are very serious. It’s sad that your family is arguing. He isn’t physically abusing her. Are you concerned about him doing so? In stressful times, people do argue.
Your mom doesn’t get a free pass for being old. Both parties need to show respect for one another.
Please give us more details.
Have you tried living with your Mom recently? Is she a sweetheart to live with, with all her elderly problems? How many days would you survive? Would you start screaming after the third day?
Is your brother threatening physical abuse?
Has your mother expressed fear of your brother?
Is this the norm for them, these loud shouting matches, or is this unusual?
What you should do is speak with your mother, as nowhere do you indicate she has dementia. Ask her what she would like to do about her son's shouting at her. I am assuming you have already spoken with brother?
That being said - are you witnessing these screaming matches yourself - are your sisters present? Or are you going by your mother's recounting of the events that occurred?
Abuse is never ok. But that being said - there is a lot of information that we are missing that would fill in some important gaps.
If your mother has memory issues, dementia or ALZ and is relating these arguments to you herself - are you 100% certain they are accurate? People with dementia - literally because their brains are broken - cannot be counted on to relay accurate details - through no fault of their own. If you do not trust your brother certainly she should not be left alone with him. But if she is the one relaying the information it wouldn't be unheard of for the story to be distorted. It frequently happens that people with ALZ or dementia choose one person to fixate on negatively, whether they have done something wrong or not.
If, however, you or your sisters are witnessing this- then you have a different situation. If your brother is participating in the caregiving - ask anyone here - caring for a loved one can leave even the most even-tempered living on shredded stress levels. Perhaps your brother needs time apart from your mother. But maybe not in the way you think.
If your brother does not provide care for your mother - perhaps there are other issues that are not being shared here that would contribute to the problem. You do mention that your mother could be less combative herself - is this a long running issue? Has she always been provocative or combative with him? Is there any history of abuse in the family?
You say that you are starting to look into reporting him to someone for elder abuse. This is a slippery slope that you cannot come back from. I have seen lives ruined for reports that were unfounded or false but it didn't matter - the damage was done. So tread carefully.
You jumped pretty quickly to removing them from the home and incarceration for yelling and screaming, while maintaining what sounds like your mother's participation in the arguments. You don't mention that your mother has expressed that she is afraid of your brother or claiming that he is abusing her.
And I'm really lost as to the question about whether they or the family would need to pay any money? To whom would they pay money?
The only time they will do something is if there is physical abuse or the elder is no longer safe living alone.