During the holidays, my older sister flies down from LA to Atlanta, I'll pick her up at the airport; and the next morning we will drive down in my car to Florida to spend the holiday with our mother. Back in 2013; that entire year I could not find work. So when December came around that year, my sister came again from LA as usual, but I explained to her that I may need to stay back and not drive down to FL with her just in case I have an in-person interview. She got so upset with me, she ended up renting a car and jetted out my house and left. So a week passed by, and just as I suspected, I had an interview and I got hired with a company in NY. I packed my things and got on the road for a 14 hour drive. It's a year now and I'm settled into my job. One day my sister calls me and says I think I'm going to try and sell moms home in FL. Mind you, it has always been our wish for mom to live closer to me in Atlanta since our later father passed on a few years ago, we didn't want mom to stay in a big house all by herself anymore. My mom also did want to come to Atlanta; it was just overwhelming for her to think that how are we going to pack up a 4 bedroom house. Just a little history with my older sister. She never really finishes anything she starts; and tends to procrastinate a lot and make excuses. So a few weeks passed, my sister called me again and she she sold moms house! I was surprised because again, she never finishes anything. She ends up packing up my moms entire house by herself; mind you my 74 year old mom couldn't really do much because she just had surgery in one hand. I couldn't come down there and help because I had a new job. All I could do was send money. So I deposited $1800 into my moms account to pay for the moving truck. While my sister sold the house, she was supposed to find a home to buy in Atlanta and move mom right into her new home. Unfortunately she couldn't find a home in time, so basically she moved my mother into my house. While all this is happening, I'm still in NY working trying to make ends meet and get caught up on bills and my mortgage. So my sister calls and says, so mom is at your house now, so when are you coming back. I was so livid with her; because she knew my circumstance. Long story short, I have been working in NY for 3 years now. The first year, I came back to Atlanta for Christmas and noticed there were sticks underneath my from door and patio door. Mind you, my mom has been showing signs of dementia and is extremely paranoid. She's been like this for years but the behavior has literally traveled with her from her FL home, into my home. Everything she used to do in her house; I noticed now she had started to do in my home. I didn't think anything of it because I knew my sister was busy looking for homes for my mom; and that she was only going to live at my place temporarily. Second year past, we all meet for Christmas in Atlanta in my home. I asked my sister, "so what's going on with finding mom a house. What's up with that plan"? She says, oh it's still not a buyers market right now. I didn't take this situation seriously as I should have from the beginning because I was so busy trying to sustain my job and stay focused so that I could pay down my bills quicker. So now we are in our 3rd year. Yes, you guessed it right! Mom is still living in my house. My mother would call me frequently in NY and complain about every little thing that bothers her about my home. It has gotten so bad, I had to leave NY and come back home. In just the few months I've been back, I can't find work and my life has been a living hell living with my mom in my house! She hates my neighbors. She feels like there are cameras hidden in my house watching her every move, and she feels the neighbors put the cameras in my house. She keeps my blinds closed all day, there are sticks hinged up the door knobs, and a stick laying behind my sliding door, she has newspapers folded up and tucked underneath the doorways; which is what a weather strip is supposed to do, but apparently that's not good enough. She says, an intruder will get a clothes hanger, and stick it through the cracks of the door and try to open the lock from the inside! Right now, it is so hot in Atlanta, she won't put on the AC because she says there is something poisoness coming through the vents that is making her sick. She won't let me open the windows because she says the neighbors are smoking weed, and it's seeping through the house. How does she even knows what weed smells like; I don't know? I have tested everything she's uncomfortable with, and I'm fine. I don't smell any foul odors outside, I breath perfectly fine if I turn on the AC. If I go out with friends during the day, I have to call her 5 minutes before I reach the house so she can take the stick off the door. I have the keys to my home, but that won't get me inside. My garage is manually locked up. If I'm out late, I have to sleep at my friends house. Needing advice!
Beyond that, your mom probably needs to be in AL or a family care home. She will not be able to continue living on her own. Your sister doesn't sound responsible enough to find her a safe placement. You may be able to contact someone at social services to find out the best ways to help your mom legally.
Basically I had a conversation with my sister on the phone. When I asked her for a current bank statement to find out what does my mother have left over from the sale of her home; my sister went crazy and started yelling at me saying I have the audacity to ask for such a thing. I told her, "I have every right to ask for this document because she is living with me in my house"!.
After she finished yelling, she hung up on me and called me back saying "you know what it's okay. You don't have to pay mom back; we will be fine and she will be out of your house before the end of this year!"
Her comment threw all kinds of red flags to me. This made me feel it was a cop out to prevent me from seeing how much she took from that sale. The first year I was in NY, I borrowed some money from my mom to pay my mortgage as I was a few months behind. I have already paid her back some of the money, but since I had to leave NY and come back and take care of my mom; I'm unable to pay her back the last bit of money I owe her since I can't find a job in GA. I have one more month of mortgage to pay her and I'll be done.
My sister was basically throwing it in my face; and to be honest...technically I really don't owe her anything because she's been living in my home for 3 years for free.
However, my parents never raised me to take back from them what they have provided for me my whole life. It's a tough situation. It's like I have the morals and values my parents taught me growing up, yet my mother is mis-treating (using and manipulating) me and I'm turning into a person who is heavily angry all the time which goes against those morals I've been taught. Then when I get angry, she tells my sister that I'm emotionally abusing her! My sister then calls me and attempts to cuss me out and she is going to call the authorities and report me!
It's like a big domino-effect, but I'm handling it and staying prayerful! Only God can help me out of this situation!
Here's what I see: your sister dumped your mother on you. You had a good job situation and had lived in NY for three years. But then you gave it all up to come back and babysit your mother.
Your sister stole money from your mother. Your mother needs to go live with HER.
You are 35 years old. Time is marching on, if you want a family. Time to get rid of your mother. She and your sister have been using you.
You are being taken advantage of by both your mother and your sister, both of whom sound like they have mental illness/personality disorders or the like. In addition, your mom may be dealing with the beginnings of dementia.
"Mom, I'm going to need you to be out of the house by July 1 (pick any date you please). Please tell me what you need me to do to help; oh, and just to be sure that you'll be out, I've started eviction proceedings; you need to know that i'm serious about getting my life back."
Well, since you brought the subject up, what's your problem with getting the state, or in any case authorities of some kind, involved?
You have reason to believe that your sister has stolen a substantial amount of money from your mother. That's a serious crime. What are you doing about it? What if the theft comes to light, and at the same time it comes to light that you knew about it and did and said nothing? Are you going to say in your defence oh well my sister got really annoyed when I asked her? I do not think that would get you off the hook.
Next, you say your mother is stubborn and won't get herself checked out. It sounds very much as though your mother is not so much stubborn as mentally ill. She bars the doors and stuffs the cracks for fear that someone or something is coming to get her. What if she falls while you're out, and neither you nor the emergency services can get into the house? What if there's a fire, and she can't get the door unbarricaded in time? Again, you can force an evaluation; but yes you would need back up from the state to do it.
So for just those two very important reasons, it seems to me that getting the state involved is actually what you should do. And besides, the plan to buy your mother her own house is a pipe dream. She obviously can't safely live alone; and what makes you think she'd feel any happier or more secure in her own place when she's scared stiff and paranoid in yours, with you there to help her? I think it's high time you called for help.
You seem terribly concerned about upsetting this woman who has been imposing on you for years, living in your house without compensating you, expecting you to heed her crazy demands to get in your own home, etc. If she will not agree to accept medical help, tell her you are at the end of your rope, and she will have to move out. Get an attorney if she won't leave. It will be a bargain in the long run. And don't pay her bills from your money.
Another alternative is to contact Adult Protective Services in Atlanta. They should come out and do an assessment. Tell them you can't keep her in your house any longer because you are probably going to sell it, and she won't leave. Maybe they can reason with her.
Yes I agree to have my mom evaluated. I go into detail about this in response to Okayhoneybee. You can see my post to her.
I definitely agree her behavior is not normal, but she is stubborn and won't get herself checked out.
Yes, she did spend some of the money on her own bills because she told me this last year; verbatim "sshhh don't tell mom but I spent most of the money". I remember that conversation like it was yesterday, I just wished I would have documented it somehow. They will never admit to it, but I believe my sister spent so much of it, they are stalling by making excuses that "it's not a buyers market"! They've been seriously using me.
I asked her for a current bank statement of the account where the money from the sale of my mothers house was put into, and she literally cussed me out then hung up the phone on me. She said I had the audacity to ask such a thing. I told her, well you don't have a right to know either, yet your hands are all in her money. She then called me back saying, you know what it's okay. You don't have to pay mom back; we will be fine and she will be out of your house before the end of this year!
When she said that to me, a thousand red flags popped in my head. My sister is a grade A certified manipulator and I see right through her. This conversation happened 3 weeks ago and I told myself that I'm going to have to take over now before it gets even worse.
Yes is it truly a mess and I don't have anymore tears to shed seriously! As for my mom being evaluated, and with my mom not living alone, and how she feels about assisted living, you can see my previous posts to Okhoneybee and Grammyteacher.
I feel like a prisoner in my own home; it literally looks like a dungeon! My beautiful house is just isn't the same anymore. While I was gone, she made it her own and re-decorated and re-positioned everything. It's like I've been kicked out my own home. I found my bedroom mattress and some of my other belongings in the garage. I'm just so hurt I'm numb.
Thank you for sharing your story as it is truly encouraging, but I wish my mother were as easy as you. She is extremely stubborn, and at the age of 74; she still feels like she's 50 years old and can go about as she pleases. Don't get me wrong, my mom is a tuff cookie and can get around (cooking, cleaning, gardening)...all the things she used to do when younger in her 50s, but her brain is going a different direction and we as her kids didn't get the memo! it's tough. She is not allowing myself to live and I think it's very selfish. She had her life. She was married, had children, traveled, owned a few homes. I told her this the other day; and that she needs to allow me to live. Plus she butts in all the time. I told her that she is robbing me of my womanhood. I'm 35 years old and I now have a boyfriend whom I've been dating for a few months now and he has been so supportive with me and my situation. We are talking marriage, and I hope everything will go well. My boyfriend asked my mom one day, "what are you going to do when your daughter has a family of her own. She is going to have to tend to her family for the majority of the time". She didn't say anything. I am just praying things get better.
I am not sure if my sister has POA; as I am afraid to ask my mother right now. I have to ask when she's in a good mood and that's almost never. Literally today, I was comfortable enough to ask her finally what is her budget (a.k.a. how much she has left from what my sister took) without getting yelled at! Mind you, they don't tell me anything. I don't know any of my mother's financial affairs, but yet she's living with me!!!!
My guess is that no one is POA right now because while I was researching to become POA over my mom, I found out it is pretty costly. Knowing my sister who does not have a job, she is probably not POA. But I do need to find out for sure; because my mom could have funded it for her.
As for having mom evaluated and considering "assisted living", look at my message to Grammyteacher. Thanks so much for your advice and truly appreciate it.
Yes, she does need medical diagnosis. You can read my previous answer to okhoneybee.
What she needs now is just someone to keep her company, and someone to take her to any doctor visits she has. Right now, I'm the one doing this. I know that she needs to live with someone, but my mother is very stubborn and very set in her ways. She is 74 years old, and is acting like she's 50. She feels the way she is acting is normal, and that she's not sick and that she is fully capable of living by herself. And please, don't even mention the words "assisted living". I can remember as far back to when we were kids. She told us then and will forever continue to tell us..."don't you ever put your mother in a home".
We thought she would change moving from FL to GA because she would be in a different environment; but it didn't and only got worse! She literally has my house locked up like fort knocks; just like her previous house in FL! All of my moms sisters used to tell us that our mom needs to see a therapist, but my sister was so upset with them and offended, she ignored them. I did not know the condition worsens if the person is moved to a different area. :-( I'm just so tired, all I can do is pray and be proactive in finding my mom a home.
Yup you guessed it right. My sister took a lot of the money! As for my mother being diagnosed, if I mention to her going to see a neurologist, she would raise h*ll! The best person to do this is my sister. They have always had a special bond, and they treat me like the black sheep of the family because they say I'm distant from the family. She drives me nuts when they tell me this because they know I have to work! But they don't complain when bills are paid. They don't complain when I take care some of their bills. Bottom line, I'm the stable one and they have been using me for a long time. Last year around June, my sister did make the effort and got my mom to see a therapist. They had 2 therapy sessions, and on the 2nd visit, the therapist advised my sister that my mother needs to go see a neurologist. As they were heading back to my home, my mom told my sister to never bring her back there again; and that somehow my neighbors put her up to this. Regardless what my mother told her, she still should have done exactly what the therapist told her to do. While all this is going on, I'm in NY working.
You're right when you say, "something doesn't sound right!" I know what it is. My sister took a lot of the money; and she's stalling constantly telling me "It's not a buyers market" to keep my mother in my home while I live miserably with her.
It's okay. My sister has been manipulating me my entire adult life, and it stops now and I will find my mother a home if it's the last thing I do.
Yes she still has the money from the sale of her home, but very little of it. Yes, I even tried to ask her to buy me out; and she looked at me like I was crazy. I mean, she hates my neighbors but she keeps procrastinating about leaving my home. It's unfortunate because this home is my prize possession. It's my first home; I didn't have anyone help me. I bought this house on my own as it's of sentimental value and neither of them supported me in that process! So if I offered for my mom to buy me out, you can only imagine how bad this is for me. I can't stop crying and emotionally stressed out. Right now, I'm making appointments with realtors and will get this done. I may cry, but I can't let that stop me and have to get serious about the situation.
I also did offer to drive her to LA, but she says no. She doesn't want to take the airplane because of the vertigo feeling. She doesn't do cars, and neither does she do planes. Truly appreciate your advice.
My mother has some of the money from her house sold. My sister took some of the money, which is preventing my mom from getting a descent home. Now that I am back in Atlanta, you better believe it; I'm looking for homes for my mom as we speak and I will just have to work with the money she has left.
I have also tried to convince her to move to LA, but she is scared of the airplane. You could tell her their are pills to take for the vertigo feeling, she will not do it! I even offered to drive her, but she says no.
Truly appreciate your inquiry. I am on it for sure and will get this done!