I am so anxious I can’t sleep. For the first time I will be taking my mom out of the house for respite for two weeks. She is going to freak out. How do I do this so that she is not so upset.
As a recap she has Alzheimer’s and doesn't understand anything I say so telling her this is needed for my sanity and marriage would be pointless. She thinks she doesn't need anybody even though she can’t do anything on her own - even to make herself a coffee!! Help - what do I say or do to make this easier on both of us
" . . . and you aren't going to be able to have a second of good time if you are worried and anxious....but you might just have to bite that bullet and go."
* During the pick-up process: I recommend that you smile a lot while (trying to / ) think about where you are going and what 'fun' / relaxation you will have. Thinking of the 'good' and necessary 'time out' for you while packing her up and smiling will be positive energy in the air. I believe, like dogs and cats, (and I'd say all or most animals), they pick up on feelings and intentions. And, YOUR intentions are for her benefit as well as for you to continue to be available to care for her.
* I would not explain anything as that is a red flag. And, she won't understand anyway. "Less is more." Smile, touch her (if she likes to be touched).
* Could you help her in the car, i.e., be there as if you are going with her? While she may freak out due to being moved regardless of why and where, stay as calm as you can. You are doing this for HER and YOU so YOU can keep providing the care SHE needs.
* As many have said, pat yourself on the back and 110% acknowledge the good you are doing for you - to keep going. So many here run on empty and wonder why or how they can continue to function.
* I would certainly give her meds (relaxation) during this transition.
* Would she listen to soothing music (head set?) or just in the room . . . perhaps a CD that could be played in her room and then played in the car - she may think she's in the same place w/the same music on - ? Or the radio.
Have a good time. Be present on your trip. If you start to fall into the guilt or worry pattern, quickly visualize your mom being well cared for - either bathed with soothing warm water or being given a gentle head or hand massage (anything that would be welcomed by her) . . . FOOD ?
*** Perhaps even a visit of a pet. Pets are excellent therapy. Actually, a cute little dog might be a good idea to have 'handy' (borrow a pet ?) to divert her attention during the moving process.
Gena / Touch Matters
You seem to understand that this is a necessity for you and your husband. Then do this respite with the knowledge that you both will come back to taking care of Mom with a much better "heart". We love them beyond belief, that does not mean that we "like" their behavior or attitudes. Learning that all her ways are a reality to her, but do not seem so to you.
This is not easy, nor is it what you most likely would like things to be. Take care of you too. God Bless and Good Luck
Now on you your elder. You explain it whether she can absorb it or not. If she truly now can understand nothing at all, then tell her you have something to attend to and will be back for her, insinuating that it won't be long. However, if she has ANY memory at all, don't fib.
Don't expect this to be without grief or pain. Some things don't have a fix it. She may indeed react negatively. You already expect that. So let it happen and move on with you plan. You will be back stronger. I wish you the very best of luck, but you already know, in these circumstances most things don't have perfect "fix it" solutions.
If a response doesn't work for the intended recipient here, it may certainly help another reading your response. That's one of the gems of this site - perhaps like a chat room; we can all learn something in this area of work, whether family needed or people like me who work with others.
In any case, this is an excellent alternative to moving mom out. Have someone come in. I thought of this too - wondered if an option.
Unfortunately, expect a meltdown when you take her to respite. She may feel you are abandoning her. Tell her that this is a vacation for both of you. OR, tell her you have to have a procedure and these folks will care for her while you recover. Talk with her doctor beforehand and get a prescription for anti-anxiety medication. The medication will help her to relax with all the new changes.
I am a strong believer in 'expect... so one can prepare for it.
Abandoning her? I would imagine she may feel that way often not having a sense of 'time and space' -
For subsequent visits I told it like it was. I told him my husband was a great guy, supporting me while I cared for Dad, and I needed to take a little time with him. Dad actually seemed to get it and felt like he was doing something good.
Dad was in a wheelchair with dementia and each visit he was less "there" so he worried less.
The real struggle is managing your own mind. You have to be able to trust the respite facility and trust them to do their jobs. No one will care for your LO like you will. As long as they're safe and fed for the two weeks, you are doing the best you can for all concerned.
Probably would have been better to hired help for two weeks at your own home so she could stay in a familiar place and ya'll go on vacation for 2 weeks.
For the first stay, I did yield a little by dropping by once a week for a brief walk and talk for his benefit and also to make sure he actually was coping/being well cared for - it put my mind at ease and also reassured my dad that he wasn't being abandoned.
Of course he was looked after perfectly well and seemed content with all the pampering.
Doctor says we all need a holiday. That's all. Only IF she asks where she will go, tell her a hotel.
On the day of the transfer, let's get in the car. Going somewhere new today. I'm sure the people will be nice..
Here is the hotel. Show her her room. Be upbeat. Hug goodbye with a Have a lovely time!
IF she asks, tell her you will be in a different hotel & will see her afterwards. If your face shows worry, she may pick it up & get confused or fearful (or worse). Look positive.
(You can cry in your car on your own later 😞). The 1st time will be the hardest.
I so told her "doctor said you must drink 2 litres of water" otherwise she will have to come and use a drip ... ".
As for the reason why she will go there, whatever fib works best. You know your mom best, so go with something she would "buy", whether it is one of the suggestions posted or something else that might work for her.
My mother refused to let aides into her place so we had to move her. She refused to consider moving anywhere, but especially not AL, although that had been in her own plans prior to dementia. I had suggested brother mess with the thermostat he installed (NEST), which he could monitor and adjust via WiFi. It was winter, so make it colder, then too hot, etc and tell her the heating system was failing* and she'd have to stay elsewhere while it was fixed. Instead, he went with a medical excuse. She managed to bruise her leg and develop cellulitis just before the move. He wrote a phony letter from 'Elder Services' at the hospital that treated her. In it, "they" said she either moves to a place we chose or they would place her. She was madder than a wet hen, but reluctantly went with my brothers (I did everything else, but stayed out of the actual move.)
So, if you can think of something that she might believe, go with that. Try not to over-stress yourself worrying about what might happen when you take her there. There's no way to really know or make it better. Those at the respite center do this and will know how to handle it. You might ask her doctor if she could take a very low dose of anti-anxiety meds, which might help (I would start them before the move, to see how it goes.) After you drop her, try to focus on your "time off." The benefit you get from the break won't happen if you just worry the whole time! She'll be in good hands. ENJOY THAT TIME OFF!!!
(*funny thing is the heating system actually DID die, several months later. thankful that it wasn't winter anymore, so it wouldn't cause problems.)
wouldn't try and explain how long you will be gone - depending on the stage of her dementia - as long as she knows you will be coming back then having tea and saying they will look after her you will be back soon MAY be a way to go. Unfortunately it may well be a bit trial and error. Good luck - make sure you get your break.
Mum has no dementia but is starting to be confused and forget more and more often.
One piece of advice I often see on these forums is to tell white lies if it saves your sanity and your marriage. So can you tell your mom that you need to visit a friend who is sick and you don't want mom to be sick ? Or something else your mom can understand. How about plumbing is broken in your house and needs to be fixed and everyone has to clear out?
Good luck.